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age
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writes: Ive decided that this will be the last question that I write on here as this rollercoaster is getting tiring. Just wanteed to know how to end the argumement with my ex who betrayed me. I thought I had forgiven my ex for cheating on me and leaving me with his three kids for her but as time has gone on I realised that that was not true. I was only telling myself I had forgiven him in the belief that if I said it it would come true. I havent. The truth is I feel as though I hate him (at present anyway) especially when I found out they are still together. When he had broken up with her he tried to win me back. I said it wouldnt work between us and we stopped talking for a while. Then on my birthday he kissed me and said that I was his top girl and that he felt as though Iwanted him back and that he would comeback to me in time but that he just needed his time out and wasnt ready to be a family yet. After thinking deeply about what he had said to me I decided I wasnt gonna be a mug no more. (Forget trying to make it work for the children) I told him to stop sending me mixed signals and he knows that I aint joking and I mean business this time. Let's just say I didnt turn him down politely I was full of rage and since then all our communication has broken down on his part. All I want is to move on with my life and communicate ONLY for the kids sake, I want him in their life as they love him to bits and I want us to be able to talk on a level with no personal emotions connected. It's difficult though as I do not want my baby to be around him and the homewrecker as I was pregnant with her when the break up happened. I despise this women. In the past I told myself that I cannot control what he does when he has the children and if my daughter has to see her then so be it. However, when it happened I couldnt control my emotions and felt as though life was beating me up. Since then Ive decided that I aint ready for my baby daughter to be around this oter women. I just need more time (she is 6 months). I asked him if he could carry on taking her every fornight for and overnight stay away from this woman but he hasnt replied. I told him that if he cant do that then we can arrange another way from him to see her. Bear in mind im not the kind of mum to stop my children seeing their father. He has our two boys every friday night for an overnight stay and sometimes two overnight stays. He doesnt instigate contact with my daughter anyway and is very neutral about it. i.e wouldnt mind seeing her or not, they havent built up a relationship yet. At the begining I thought it was for the best for them to build a bond but have lowered my expectations now and think it is better if he decides when he wants to see her. You can read my MANY other questions to gain some history on my tired story.I just want to end the arguments and the whole bitterness between us but dont know how.
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female
reader, pgissyd  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 thats fantastic stem, Im really pleased for you xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a quick update. Me are my ex are getting on better with regards to the situation. I do not class him as a friend of mine but primarily the father of my children and their friend. I have started to remember happier moments from our past, rather than the trauma of 2007.
I instigated a meeting with his new girlfriend which went surprisingly really well. She apologised for all the stress she caused during the pregnancy and after. I didnt know that that apology would mean so much to me but it really did as it was unexpected.
I am feeling unbelievably positive and I think that the meeting was something that I really needed to do and it has helped so much. Im feeling so much better as it feels as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. As for my ex he was not happy about the meeting as he didnt know it was taking place. I told him that it wasnt my concern and he should talk to his girl about why she didnt tell him.
Im am sooooo ready for this new chapter in my life with myself and my children and maybe one day someone new.
Thankyou again for all your advice.
Roll on 2008 x
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female
reader, huneygyrl  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 One more thing, FORGIVENESS will take time upon your part but without forgiveness you will live a bitter life. I have to learn how to forgive my daughter's dad but that doesn't stop me from trusting him, again. Honey, learn from it. Let him show you rather than tell you.
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female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (15 December 2007):
I know from personal experience, it's very hard. I've been through a situation that's similar to yours.
Have you both thought about family counseling? Professional outside interference can always work if you let it. It takes two to make it work.
However, you need to sit down and talk with your husband on how to make things work for your kids sake. The kids are feeling your emotions and it's not healthy for them to see what your husband is putting his family through. It's hard to put your feelings aside but when it comes to the kids, you're going to have to.
Have you kids mention anything to you about anything?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the time to answer this question. FORGIVENESS. For me this is the hardest thing,as I have generally tried to forgive him and when I thought I had it felt good not having the baggage. But within a month new situations arose and I realised that I hadnt forgiven him although I want so badly to be able to.
It isnt just a case of saying I forgive you but to trully mean it. Its so hard but I am working on it. How do you forgive someone as when you tell them about your pain and say sorry for your actions they dont want to here what you have to say. How do you forgive someone when you ask for their help on the children they criticise your parenting. It is not just the bitterness of him having the affair and staying with her, (although that is a big part of it) . It is the other things aswell. Such as the playing with your emotions, the rubbing it in your face that they have found someone new. The constant reminder that the relationship was 'a sham'. The constant thought of know that when you were going through the pain of childbirth that same night hed be fucking someone else. It is hard to remember any postives since the affair. Yes we had a good history before having kids and that is now dead. But he is alive and living and I have to constantly see him and know that the love has gone and I have been replaced. Dont take that the wrong way as I will never wish harm on anyone especially the father of me children but it a loss but a loss that is still around. There the constant reminder that I was not good enough and did sopmething wrong, he couldnt stand being with us and chose a new life. Im trying so hard to live a good life with my children, smile and be merry and stop feeling sorry for myself but have now realised I was just merrily wearing a mask and was trying to supress my real emotions that are so real and so far are controlling me. I just feel stuck!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 December 2007):
 Come to realize you won't be able to communicate without any emotion. Whenever someone has had a relationship that includes emotions, part of that always goes with you.
I understand you're hurt. I know you feel as if you can't forgive. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to accept what they did, like it, or forget it, it only means you forgive so you can move on with your life.
Now, just because you don't like this other girl, you can't dictate to your ex that she has to be absent when he visits children. When you see a solicitor, they'll explain that as well. When people separate, each person has the right to visit their children while carrying on with normal daily activities, without interference from the other person, unless the activities or persons they are around create a negative or dangerous situation for the children.
All though the relationship is over, you are both parents to these children. You still have the obligation to do what's in their best interest. That includes helping to foster a relationship between your children and their father. He has the same obligation with you.
I do feel for your situation. I hope everything works out for you and your children. Take care.
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female
reader, pgissyd +, writes (9 December 2007):
First of all, you need to get a solicitor involved. You need to work out child maintenance if you havent already, and you need a court order drawn up for exactly when he can see the kids, what he can or cannot do when they are with him and how long they stay with him. You can get him to have supervised visits if you prefer, so he can see the kids, but on nuetral turf and they wont be in contact with this other girl.
However, if this other woman is to be a part of his life, then maybe one day she will be their step mum. she will be as important to them as he is. You cannot stop that happening, and its best for the children if you dont try to.
So first, solicitor, get court order drawn up for regular visits, including the baby.
also get maintenance sorted out.
As for contact, you can limit that too. he has no reason to bother you, call you or visit you. If he has a set day and time each week to turn up, then he doesnt need to confirm it, he should turn up when expected or not at all. Of course you still want to know if he ISNT comming fo rsome reason, so you cannot stop the contact compleatly, but you can lay down rules.
Only to contact you with regard the children, if he calls about some other subject, put the phone down, if he visits and its not to see the kids, shut the door on him. You can get partial restraining orders for just this sort of thing. If he is causing you distress then you will be eligible.
Thats about all you can do really, other than making your emotions with him compleatly remote, not reacting to anything he says or does. dont bite when he tries to bait you into a row.
Deal with him as you would an unwanted employer. sack him from your life and treat him with aloofness from now on.
Dont argue in front of your kids and dont bad mouth him to them either. Completly cut off all emotion concerning him, nothing he says can hurt you anymore.
then and only then can you move on with your life.
You have to CHOOSE not to be affected by him anymore. Im not saying it will be easy, hell you may well hold your chin high, be polite while he picks the kids up and act totally professional. but as soon as that door closes, you may well collapse against it in floods of tears, but given time, and the less emotion you show him, you will get less and less affected by it.
Forget this other woman, SHE did not break up your home, HE did, she was just as innocent as you in all this. Well maybe a little less innocent, but if she loves him, its not her fault, its his. Stop blaming her, get angry with him, realise what he is and that he will never change, have some sympathy for this other woman, he will treat her the same way.
Thats all I can say really, I hope some of it helps somewhat.
take care and keep us updated.
Issy xxx
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