A
female
age
41-50,
*girl1779
writes:My best friend is a guy. We met almost two years ago. When we met, we started out dating each other - going out, seeing each other, having sex, etc. After about a month, he never mentioned anything about a relationship so I asked him how he felt about me. He said he did not believe in relationships and that he has forced himself to not care about anyone romantically. He says that it makes no sense to have rules and boundaries in relationships and that people should just do what they want. I took that as meaning he wanted our relationship to be "open". But, I was wrong. After I asked that question, everything changed. He stopped being affectionate, back rubs, even kissing.Over many months, I came to learn he had a girlfriend for many years since right after high school and they had a normal relationship. They even lived together for many years. Eventually, she carried on an affair with someone else and he found out accidentally. He said before he found out he cared what she did, he used to be jealous, wondering where she was and who she was with. When they broke up, I think it hurt him so deep that he just gto totally screwed up. He's an extremely talented artist who is just letting his skill go to waste. Not sure why. I know there was a dark period after the break-up where he would not leave his apartment or answer the phone but he leaves so many details out that I don't know how olng after the broke up that this happened and how long before he met me. It's seems like a sore subject and he is so tight-lipped about it.Since I asked that question a month after we started dating, he has always maintained that he and I are "just friends" but it's obviously something more than that. We sleep together on a regular basis and we do EVERYTHING together. We are best friends but there is also a sexual connection if from nothing more than just all the sexual bonding. When I moved to a new apartment building 5 months ago, he decided to move too - into the same building I live in, right down the hall.Until about 6-7 months ago, he never talked to other girls or had sex with anyone else. But since about that time, he does it from time to time. I can;t confront him about it because after all, we are "just friends". I love him on more than just a friendly level. He says he does not have those feelings towards me. I can never tell if he is telling teh truth or just trying to convince himself of that. I really don't know... I usually have good instincts about it but this is so confusing for me.Lately, we have begun to fight a lot. Sometimes because he does dumb stuff but lately because my feelings for him make me jealous and I don;t know how to handle everything. This past weekend was the worst.I made a new friend who works at my job and also lives in our apartment building. We hang out and get aong really good. She's a girl and I have not had a girl as a friend in so long. This king of made him jealous that I was spending my time with someone else. But she is nice and just like me! He met her eventually and then a few days later said to me "I want to sleep with her". This hurt me so much because even if we don't have an official relationship - he knows how I feel. Why would he say that about the closest girlfriend I have? That would make things so uncomfortable. I was getting ready to leave town for a weekend and he asked me for the girl's phone number. I told him I did not want him calling her because she is the only other friend I have and it would make me uncomfortable. He protested but then said he would not call her or do anything. Especially because my mom has been really sick and I've been worried and did nto want any extra drama to deal with. The next day after leaving town he and I had been texting each other saying we miss each other like crazy. Next thing I know, he called me and asked me for the girl's phone number. I did not want to argue because I was stressed about my mom and trying to have a good time. He insisted and I gave in, thinking nothing would happen because the girl would ignore him. He then called me back 10 minutes later and asked for her number, saying he forgot to write it down. I gave it to him again. He called back again 5 minutes later and asked for her number again, saying he lost what he had just wrote down. I gave it to him again. I was so pissed but just left it alone. He did not call me back that night or all the next day.Come to find out, he called her and she invited him to her place. Nothing happened. She thought it was no big deal because he'd been to her place once before. I still think it was over the line but she apologized and said they just hung out and other people were there. He won;t talk about it. He said I have no right to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with. But, she was my friend and I asked him to please not create an uncomfortable situation for me. We argues abotu it three times and he maintains that he did nothing wrong even though he promised me he would not do that and depsite the fact that my mom is very sick and I did not want any trouble.Usually, we make up and forget everything and move on. But, I don't know if I can this time. I feel like he crossed the line on even the most basic level of our friendship - respect and loyalty. He does not care how the situation os making me feel and could not honor a simple request out of respect for me. He did not even know the girl! Why did he have to try and go there with the one girlfriend I have?? AND while my mother is sick? He knows I have been going through so much. Why is he doing this?He came by last night after we have not really talked at all for two days. We just sat staring at each other for the most part. He never asked how my mom is doing or how my brother (who got mugged a few days ago and he knows) is doing. My family is in turmoil right now and he never asked how I'm handling it, if I need anything - nothing. He just asked could he watch a movie with me (I said no) and asked is I am still friends with the girl and asked how she is doing. I was so livid. Why would he even bring that up? Knowing that everything is rocky right now considering that all just happened last weekend? Is he just some sadistic freak? WHYYYYYYYYY? I'm so hurt. You have to understand that we have been SO close for SO long. What the f*ck is going on? I think I want to just end our friendhsip and I don't know what to do.
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affair, best friend, broke up, jealous, kissing, move on, period, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): there are soooo many better guys out there who will respect you and care for you the way you deserve. This guy doesnt even deserve you as a friend. It will be hard to let go of him as you day you've been close for a long time but it is the only healthy thing to do. Encourage him to seek help then perhaps just cut him out of your life
A
female
reader, lgirl1779 +, writes (20 February 2009):
lgirl1779 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to add that while I do agreee he may be using me in some ways, I do receive a lot from him. I know I painted the portrait of a monster but he always fixes my car when it breaks down, buys me things from time to time, gives me advice when I need it, helps me sort through some depression/anxiety issues, encourages me to meet teh goals I have, etc.
I guess that is why this is hard for me because he has been a good friend for the most part but the past two months and this most recent situation is like he is a different person. A monster that I don't recognize.
I spoke to my brother about it and thinks he is getting too close, which is something he does not want, and is trying to push me away. Is there anything to that?
THANK YOU EVERYONE who gave this even a few minutes of your thoughts and time. I truly appreciate it, kind internet strangers and it is helpign me sort things out in my mind :) Much love.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (20 February 2009):
 I think from the sounds of it this guy is very screwed up from his last relationship and has so many issues that he really needs to talk to someone about (i.e. a professional!). If he is not seeing a therapist then he will only keep on trying to bring you down into his own mess.
If he moved to the same building as you then it is clear he does care for you and wants to be close to you - but there could be a variety of reasons for this. He might just like having you there whenever he needs you, it might be that he likes to keep an eye on you.
Whatever his intentions towards you are; he is not the sort of guy you want to be involved with. He made that clear when he repeatedly asked for your friends number after you told him you did not want to give it to him. You are right in wanting to end this friendship/relationship. He is not a good influence in your life.
Speak to him face to face - tell him that this issue with your friend is the final straw and you want nothing more to do with him. Ask him to never come round again or contact you again. He will be upset by this so be prepared for a strong reaction, but you need to be strong too. Once he has left, lock the door, immediately change your phone number/block him from contacting you. you probably will bump into him seen as you live in the same building but try and avoid him as much as possible! He will get the message if you do fully cut off contact with him.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2009): I agree with army medic...he was just using you...he doesn't respect you enough to care about how you feel..you really need to let him go...and don't ever let him back into your life.!!!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (20 February 2009):
You want a boyfriend, he wants easy sex and a mate who'll help him pull girls.
This is never going to work and he's never going to wake up one day and think "I know! I'll be a proper boyfriend to this girl and not have everything I want any more!"
Stop seeing him. Tell him you want a boyfriend and since he can't give you that you have to cut contact for your own good.
He can go and chase all the girls he wants then and live in his pit of misery and think he's the only one in the world who's ever been dumped.
You can find a mentally stable human being and then you'll be far happier.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (20 February 2009):
 This is a very long post and to be honest I've not read most of it. By the sounds of it he's been using you for sex and is not interested in anyone but himself. Cut contact with him and move on.
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