A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi to all. I've been talking through the phone with this old college male friend lately. We live thousands of miles away. We are currently both single. I'm happy talking to him because he always speaks highly of me and he is a good friend. It's like a little boost to my self esteem now that I had a rough brake up and have been having some emotional and financial crises. I've always known he likes me but I have never been interested in him. We were about to graduate when I was talking to him and he surprised me with a kiss and I didn't know what to do. After that I felt a little awkward towards him but acted normally the very few times we saw each other before he left. Through the years we have been in intermitent casual contact through the internet and now he is calling me. I think he thinks I like him (which is not true) and he is contacting me everyday and is acting very interested in me. I want to keep the friendship but need him to understand I'm not interested in him as a man. I really don't have the courage to bring up the subject since he hasn't told me anything yet. But I have to focus on my things and now I'm worried he is going to be like stalking me over the phone and/or messenger. I'm planning on not answering some of his phone calls. Oh! and the other problem I have is that he likes to have looong conversations for hours and hours and I'm not always interested in that, specially now that I'm studying for a very important test I have next month. What to do?
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self esteem, stalking, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 April 2008):
 Just tell him straight that you like him as a friend and you
are not ready for any relationships. He will get the drift.
Excuse yourself if he is too long on the phone and he will not call anymore.
He can feel that you are not interested in him except as a friend only.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): You don't want him as a man, but you want his friendship. Are you for real? He is a man. Boot him into touch rather than lead him on any more than you already have.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 April 2008):
 Looks like Danielepew was answering at the same time I was writing my reply. You know, he's probably right about the fact that you won't be able to keep him as a friend, once he knows that you are not interested in him romantically. I guess the best thing to do is to be honest with him and just flat out tell him that you are not a prospect for him...
I was hoping to save your college friend some grief, but I think there's probably no honest way around it...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 April 2008):
I'm assuming you want to remain friends with him and that you don't want to hurt him unnecessarily.
You need to give him a graceful and face-saving reason for why you're not the girl for him, I think.
Right, first off, tell him the next time you talk that you are getting so busy with studying that you just don't have the time to chat for long. Nicely, of course. Set an alarm to ring, or have the doorbell go off in a few minutes after you start talking to him.
Then, I hate to suggest you lie to him, but maybe you can start talking about a man that you have like in your study group (ooh, I so hate this lie, but...) is becoming just a bit more than a friend.
When you do talk with him again, say how happy you are to have a good buddy to chat with and not have to worry about any stress over having a good male pal who doesn't have romantic designs on you. How great it is to have a good old platonic friend who isn't putting the moves on you...
I know, it's all lame and probably very transparent, but I don't know what else to advise you if you really do want to keep him as a friend.
The problem with the fictional boyfriend is that this story may come back to haunt you if you are both keeping in touch with mutual friends...
Wait, just a thought, if you have a close friend who is also in contact with him, you could let him/her know that you are not interested in your long distance old buddy...worth investigating.
Sorry if this all sounds like bad high school advice, but I'm just throwing out some suggestions.
If you really don't want him in your life you could just make it plain that you are in no way interested in even continuing the conversations, but it sounds like you are trying to spare him some hurt...
I hope some of this helps; good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 After I posted my first impressions, I saw the posts by the other two agony aunts. I'm sorry to disagree with Cherriepie: This is not the time to be a cold hearted bitch. The man is in love with the poster, and I assume that is because she has some virtues he has noticed. He is not a bastard for falling for her, I assume.
I do agree with Stacy. If you want to break the bad news in a casual manner, mention a boyfriend or so. He will get it.
But it is never a good idea to just let another person to grieve alone. I wonder how many people have come to Dear Cupid because someone behaved like "a cold hearted bitch" to them.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (15 April 2008):
I know you will disagree, but tell him what you feel as you feel it, the sooner, the much, much better. Tell him that you can't help but notice he is interested in you as more than a friend, and that you wouldn't want any misunderstanding to arise or get worse. Tell him you have a boyfriend, even if you don't have any. You may not want to be embarrassed if he came up with something like "I'm not interested, you crazy girl", but, if you had to choose, what would you choose: some embarrassment, or a problem getting way worse?
Very often, women think that this kind of problem is better solved if they make themselves unavailable. Women think the guy will take the hint. That happens only very rarely. Usually the man takes centuries to discover what is going on, and by the time that happens bitterness has accumulated. Whatever happens, resist that feeling of NOT answering the phone. No problem is ever solved by letting it fester.
Some time ago, in an article here in Dear Cupid one of us brought to our attention that scientists have finally understood that men can't read women. Either we don't get what they say, or we misread it. I am sorry to break this news to you, but your looooooooooooong conversations with him, the very frequent contact, and the "little boost to your self-esteem" might be interpreted in a very different manner at the other end of the phone. I'm not saying you gave him false hope, but I am saying that things can be interpreted in different ways.
Sorry, you won't keep the friend. That is not what he wants from you: he wants you as a woman. He doesn't want any less. I'm afraid you can't have it both ways. Just as he will have to accept you don't want him as a lover, you will have to accept that he won't want you as a friend. Life may be unfair, but such is life. And, you know what? It's better that way. He won't give up on you if you call him "a friend"; he will insist. It's best if you cut him short now.
You don't have any proof he will stalk you. But chances are he will get way more desperate, and likely to keep calling, e-mailing and all that, if you DON'T speak your mind. I was also under the impression that he was a good man, since you were happy to talk to him?
Let him call you again and give him the bad news. He will thank you for being sincere and straightforward. Believe me.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (15 April 2008):
 I have been in your exact predicament. Loving to talk to him cause it makes you feel good to have someone who tells you how great you are etc. The worst? When they say "I love you" and you just have to sit in silence... quite awkward. Luckily you are not there yet. About the long conversations just be honest. Say "I have a lot of homework to catch up on so can we talk another time?" Or something like that. It shouldn't hurt his feelings and it isn't mean or even a lie, it's the truth. I wouldn't start ignoring him though. It is pretty mean and I have made that mistake in the past and now feel terrible for doing it to them. It's really not his fault he likes you and wants to talk to you so you shouldn't ignore him and be rude. What about if you casually mention a guy you are seeing? I don't think that would be rude, you and him are not dating and he hasn't outwardly brought up liking you. It will get the point across without having to bring up the conversation about whether or not he likes you and him asking you if you like him too... blah blah. Good luck !
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A
female
reader, Cherriepie +, writes (15 April 2008):
 I hate to be harsh but its is so easy to throw off a guy who is a thousand miles away. Dont answer his calls. ignore his texts. Change your email if you must. but really if you just tell him to cool it off he will get the message. Its time to be a cold-hearted bitch, and that's what you have to do to get rid of some guys or have them just back off. Trust me he is better off being without you anyway, because as you well know he will never get in your pants..so being a bitch to him is doing him a favor....
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