A
female
age
41-50,
*rustrated without the truth
writes:I need some serious help, my boyfriend and I have been together off and on for over a year.. I found out he was a member of a adult website and listed himself as bi-sexual, when confronted he was defensive and said no I just like looking at stuff..I took him at his word, months later I find that he is posted again,now with naked pictures of himself, When confronted he said that was a long time ago, You don't trust me.. blah blah, we had moved in together once and he moved out he is talking about moving back in and us eventually buying a house together.. My mind is all over the place he treats me so good we have a active sex life and I love him. But if he is not being up front with me or how will I ever know if Im just a cover for him. He was married once before and said she ended it. I often wonder if it because he found out the same thing I did. What do I do if he is Bi-sexual? How does this work, he won't be honest about it and denies it when asked.. Im so confused I can't imagin he would string me along with this big lie but on the other hand we work together also and I am afraid he is worried I would out him at work, which I would never do, I just want the truth. So what do I believe?? Please help me I am going so crazy over this.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 To answer your follow up, I would say men can have sexual attractions to other women and a relationship can bloom; likewise, men can have attractions to women and men and still want you to be the one. I would think he feels a LOT of shame about what's happening. His discomfort level is obvious as he's "censored" the topic. A couple years ago I had his tendencies too (although never really acted on anything, just was attracted to both sexes). I was hurt when my bf would bring it up because it seemed like he was insinuating I didn't know what I wanted when I wanted him. I think what's most important right now is just securing the relationship, because at this point, you're feeling unstable with all these uncertainties..it's a trust issue. OK, so he knows you're uncomfortable, if you weren't you wouldn't be bringing it up to him so frequently (or asking us for advice!)-- say that the only reason you bring up this subject so many times is his going behind your back is making you feel insecure about how he feels about you. He'll probably try to reassure you the usual "i'll give you the world" promises: put the burden of proving himself (as trustworthy, as only wanting you) on him--maybe say that you need a little more than usual right now to indicate that feelings are mutual and that neither of you are wasting your time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): Well he had just proved to you he can't be trusted. The prob. with bisexuals (aside form my christian's beliefs that it is a sin) is that you have double the possibilities of being cheated on; plus usually men who are attracted to other men too like to have both, the woman in the house and the man outside. It's like a perverted fantasy for them. You never know if you are going to satisfy them, what role do they want to play... If they get tired of your womanly things they will go after a man just to forget about women and their stuff. Hey! Theres' a reason why God created the woman for the man and the man for the woman. I say walk away. Of course it is easier for me to say it than for you to do it but I don't see you being happy with this man in the future. It is always a big red flag when someone tells you you just can't talk about a subject anymore. I also see manipulation and defensiveness from his part. Wake up and see it objectively. Relationships have their ups and downs but us women usually don't notice that manipulation,lies, drama and pervertion are no signs of the normal ups and downs of a healthy relationship but the signs and symptoms of a sick and twisted relation that is headed for disaster and must be broken. Been there and done that. Blessings.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 February 2008):
 Dear poster, none of us can tell you the truth. The only person who can do that is your boyfriend. All we can give is opinions.
My opinion is that he really is bisexual, meaning he likes to have sex with men and women. It seems clear, too, that you wouldn't really like to be with him if he is bisexual. This doesn't have anything to do with approving or disapproving his sexual option: it would only mean you're not comfortable with it.
You need proof because you don't want to make a decision on the basis of incomplete information, or suspicion. For me, there's no question that he's bisexual; men who are not homosexual are extremely unlikely to let others see them naked in the internet. But, my being convinced is no proof. However, a hard fact of life is that sometimes you need to do make a decision on the basis of incomplete information.
The question you need to ask yourself is, can you stay with him even if he is bisexual?
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A
female
reader, frustrated without the truth +, writes (19 February 2008):
frustrated without the truth is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, I would love to understand why a person would be dishonest about something like this. I have tried to talk to him but I always get shut down, He tends to put it all back on me again saying that Im mistrusting. But he has never really been clear with me about this. When asked he said he was confused after his divorce and was depressed & even thought of hurting himself. So like I said I trusted that he was telling the truth. he made me promise not to bring this issue up again cause it really bothered him. But I did cause the mental torture Im putting myself through is aweful again he gets mad at me about the trust thing. Can a man have sexual attactions to other men but be faithful and love a women and have a normal healthy relationship??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Thanks for the advice, I guess my biggest problem is the lying if he is?? I could never say that he wasn't wonderful to me cause he really is. If he is bi-sexual that is a life style he can have, I would not judge him for it but it is not one that I want to be a part of I have explained this to him. I want a straight man, It is hard enough in a relationship with out the added problems of this. Honesty is very important to me as it is all of us. I don't want to spend the next 10 years with someone who down the road decides that he is gay. My heart is just sick about this. When we had broke up before he went out with another women which then made me doubt the things I saw.. Please keep the advice coming. I need help!
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Hi there!
I think the important thing here is you need him to be really honest with you about his sexuality and what he likes or dislikes. Is not only that he is or not bi/gay, but rather that if he has sexual fantasies or desires, you should be able to know if you can fulfill them or not and, if not, if it is something he would act upon or not. Him getting into adult sites and looking and posting pics would not be bad at all if you knew about them and if he could be sincere and open with you about this. Ive known people with really "excentric" sexual behavior and as long as they have an equally "excentric" partner then everything is good. However, if this is a problem for you or it makes you feel insecure about your relationship, then you really need to address it.
Best of lucks.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (19 February 2008):
I mean, there's technically nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes; the lying and the putting up pictures behind your back however, could be construed (depending on your definitions) as adulterous. He HAS admitted he "likes seeing things" which to me is as much as an indicator that he has homosexual attractions. Maybe you could try saying that's okay with you, and that you accept this in him, but he can't go out side the relationship SEEKING for this alternate lifestyle, unless he wants it to be over. try to show him that you embrace this, maybe ask if he wants to see some kind of gay porn together, gauge his reaction. be supportive of him only if he stops searching for physical or emotional love outside the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Difficult one. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth. The term bisexual is a bit broad. It could be that he's had relationships with people of both sexes, he could have experimented with gay sex in the past, he's curious about sex with men or just attracted to them. Which is it? If he tells you he is bisexual, how will you react? Would you be willing to stay with him? I know that I would find it very difficult to stay with a bisexual because there's a chance he could go off with a woman or a man! If you would still be happy to go out with him, tell him so. I think he's scared of losing you - I'd say your instincts are right on this.
You have to bring the subject up again. He's reluctant to talk about it, so tell him that you want to know about it because you love him and won't judge.
All the best to you.
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