A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I've already sent in a plea for help a few months back. I got wonderful feedback, but I'm still having trouble. This has something to do with my mom. This is a really hard topic for me, and I apologize in advance if I write a lot. I just want to warn, because I need to tell it all or I think I'm going to explode. It all started around May 2009, I've lived with my mom my whole life and me and my two siblings that my mom had with my dad live with her. I only go to my dads house over the summer. Then I come back home. My dad lives in Texas and my mom lives in Florida. Everything was fine with my mom. Out of my moms kids I'm the oldest and I always took care of my brother and sister. My mom was my best friend, I could tell her anything and vice verse. I know some of you may think this is impossible, but it's true I wasn't a complete mommas girl, I was just her best and worse child. I always told her what I think and yes that got us into some bad times. Even resulting in many times with me crying in the backseat with a suitcase packed by her and she's basically yelling the whole time saying how she was fixing to send me off to Texas. She never did. She usually turned home within a few miles away from the house and yes I have been hit and every curse word and the most things that a mom yells at her child that will never leave their memory, a few times I even had nightmares for weeks once, I had run to my Nanas house and she let me stay thier, all I can remember about being their is waking up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face because I saw my own mother lunge at me from my memories and I could still feel the pain as my whole left side of my face was pushed as it was scraped across the wall, causing a huge bruise under the skin. (I know your thinking give me the question already...I need to explain this first before the question so that you will know how much of an impact this is on me. please bear with me.)Even though I had these fights with her, I still loved her and like a daughter...I forgave her. Okay back to the question. Like I said around May 2009 my mom had gotten cheated on by her going on 12 years boyfriend who was like a second dad to me and my brother and sister. My mom took it hard. Not only did she kick him out. She stopped coming home. I could go a week without seeing my mom. It started to get bad when I realized that she was taking her emotional state to work and had gotten fired and kept it a secret. By then my mom had 'new' friends, when she was home she yelled and always said that we complained that she was never home and when she was we never spent time with her and was in our rooms. We was i our rooms because we knew she would just yell at us and I had told my mom one night, that she can get as mad as she wants, but if she wanted to take her anger out on someone to not touch my brother and sister. Of course You can probably tell what she told me and did. I didn't care, I just didn't want them to get hurt. Yes, I had A few mental breakdowns whier I cried like a baby, but only when I was alone. I had gotten so use to not having a mom that I never talked to her. this went on for 5 months. Until finally I got over it and was tired of being scared. I took a stand. I called my dad. My dad picked us up two days later without telling my mom. He threatened to get custody of us to take us. I didn't call my mom for 4 months after I left. My dad urged me too...but I didn't want to, she had hurt me and why should she get my sympathy? I could say that living with my dad was a walk in the park, but I would be lying. It was hard. So hard that I cried myself to sleep for a month every night. I don't think my dad realized how much of an impact it was for us to move like that. Finally I called my mom and started talking to her. She told me how she was trying to get her life back together and I believed her. I wish i didn't. At that time I was 17 years old. In my Junior year in High School. I talked my dad into letting me come home, but I couldn't get my brother and sister to come home. I cried when I told them. And they cried. I love them so much that it hurt so much just thinking of living so far from them. On August 4th 2010 I boarded a greyhound for the first time to Florida all by myself. I was scared and sad. Completely lost, unable to think. I didn't get hurt on the way to Florida, But I did cry on that bus, my sister was texing me saying how much she missed me and I never got to say bye to my brother he was getting help for school. I cried that night on that lonely bus. I was so happy that it was dark and no one sat next to me, I was relieved..In order to come home for my Senior year I had to live with my Nana. My dad made that decision. I now live with my Nana, I get to go to school with my friends I've known my whole Life. My birthday was today September 29th, 2010, I turned 18. I didn't have a party. The best part of my day was school because my friends was their. When I got home, it was like a regular Wednesday..when I came back I can count on one hand how many times I've seen my mom in person. She can't call me because she doesn't have a job, and no money. She says shes trying because she wants us back and my dad won't let my brother and sister come back until she has a job and a place that she can live with us their. For the first week I was here including that night on the bus I cried myself to sleep because I missed my brother and sister so much that it hurt. (yes I'm crying as I type this and remember it..) On my birthday today my mom calls me for 20 minutes to talk to me and tell me happy birthday. I know she is not able to come see me, but it hurt so much to not see her. God it hurt. It hurt so much, it hurts right now...Here I was crying on my birthday. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to have faith in my mom and she use to be strong and now when I see her I don't see my mom, shes completely different, I want my mom back so bad, I don't like feeling this way! I use to be so strong and optimistic, but now I'm not, I don't believe in miracles or myself anymore. I want to stop being so sad and confused! It use to take a huge blow to make me cry, now I cry at the drop of a hat, it's crazy and I hate crying, I hate it! Please someone help me! Please! oh please help me...Just anything will help me...and I'm sorry for the long response, I know this story may make people say that it is not really bad, but it's bad to me. This is my reality everyday and I need help. I don't want to be this way. I'm scared that I may do something stupid...and I'm on the verge of it.
View related questions:
best friend, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 October 2010):
 It does hurt when someone talks to you that way, when you have such admiration toward them. Maybe not through what she has done with her life, but through who she is to you. I want you to remember and anytime someone talks to you that way, that how they talk to you is usually not about you, but it's a reflection of how you view themselves. I've found that people who truly love and accept themselves to not talk down to others. So, don't let what others say to you cause you to begin judging yourself and who you are.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): She'll have to excuse me for commenting, but my sister linked me to this and I started to cry when I read it.I, being the sister of the one who wrote this, hope that some day I'll move on from this. I hope that all those memories built in my head are left behind, replaced by better memories and less worry.I'm far too young to be as stressed I've been, and I want to be able to live and be a teenager.It feels like..I lost everything.My mom, my friends, education, my home, my BEST friend..which was everything to me.I'm scared that things will never be the same again.But I'm hopeful that one day I'll see my mom again, in person, and I'll recognize her-- I'll adore her like I used to.Love you big sister, and it was brave of you to post this and what not, despite that you put yourself as anonymous.-Sincerely, little sister~
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for replying. I can try the letter thing and I will see about counseling. Just by reading you guys responses has helped me see the many things I should have seen a long time ago. It's just that no matter what anyone says to me it hurts but not a lot. But when my own mother talked to me that way...I just get hurt so bad. I believe she is the only one to be able to make me cry with just one word. It never fails for her. But thank you guys! :) Believe it or not you actually helped this girl see some things in a new light. :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 You do not need to cry. Your mother still loves you and your siblings very much. I know how much it tears you apart inside when you remember your mother acting unfairly and cruelly towards you. You almost feel betrayed because she is your mother, she is supposed to be the one who makes you happy and takes care of you. She was your friend. No, my mistake. She still is your friend.
She needs time. She got hurt badly because of someone she loved. Without you three there at home, she is probably feeling more hurt than you can imagine, to have lost a boyfriend of 12 years and then her children. It is something a mother only sees in nightmares and fears. If there is a chance, you should visit her, when you can talk to her, then tell her that you want to help anyway you can. Speak kindly towards her because I am sure she misses you all alot and she feels the same way if not more vividly than you. There is no stronger bond than that between a mother and her child. This is just a small part of your life, a small hindrance but something you can overcome.
If you ever truly believed that miracles can occur, if you ever had faith in good fortune and happiness then now is the time to connect with that belief. You need hope, you need to give your mother hope. Just hold one. You were all happy once and with time and faith, there is no reason why you cannot be happy once again.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 September 2010):
Happy Birthday! It was my brothers birthday as well. You have really been through a lot of dysfunction, but have been extremely strong going through what you have. Although your mom is a mom, and should have been there for you so much more than she has, I want you to see her as a person too. You've been hurting, and I'm sure you're mom has been in a great deal of pain as well. That doesn't excuse her for what she's done, but it does show the human side of who she is. People handle pain and experience differently. She had some hard time and painful times being cheated on, and it sounds like that experience broke her foundation or what I'd call her core sense of self. You said it use to take you a lot before you'd cry, and now it doesn't, so you recognize everyone has a breaking point. That happened to be hers. It sounds like she regressed into a state of feeling worthless, therefore, her actions were a mirror reflection of how she views herself. Often where this happens, depression and detachment replaces the sense of self.
You are 18, so you know as an adult your life and who you are will be created by what you do or don't do. In reading what you wrote, I sense that you are a very strong individual, and feel that you need to focus that strength to empower who you are. You've gone through hell, but it's up to you to decide that's not where you'll live your life. You can decide to love, and to live every moment through that love, and to be the best you that you can be. I know you're worried about your mom, and we'll get to that. I wanted to first stress how important it is for you to be who you choose to be despite what you've gone through in the past.
I want you to write your mom a letter. I don't want you to place blame for this bad situation that you and your siblings should not have had to experience, but to write how you remember her when she was strong. Be detailed. Express your admiration for when she was a strong woman, and how you want to see that in her again. With her now working, there should be churches or organizations that can offer counseling or coaching to assist her in regaining this strength that has been lost for to long. Remind her of how you two use to talk, and how you could tell her anything. See, as I stated, the depression and disconnect replaced who she was, so in her mind the old her no longer exists. This letter is meant to jog her memory so she remembers who she was, and what it was like being the strong woman you know that she can be again.
I want you to find an adviser or a support group for your health and well being. It's often beneficial to know that you don't have to go through this alone. There are people and groups who care and who will join you in your journey and that will be there for you when you feel you're slipping or loosing strength.
I hope this helps. Take care.
...............................
|
