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*eedloving
writes:i have been with my husband for 12 yrs. he never show`s me he cares, he says he can`t show his feeling`s.i have tried to except it but i can`t. i don`t feel loved, wanted, i just feel i have no one. he is never there for me. i have to cope with thing`s alone. i just can`t cope no more. ur husband is suppose to be your rock, not mine. i fell out with his brother and all my husband says is i am big enough to stick up for myself..he has had bad relationship`s before. says he will never show feeling`s again. he has told his family not to contact him again..he think`s by cleaning the house it show`s he cares..i am not even allowed to watch tv in day.i have to listen to his music. he is very controlling, and all has to be done his way. he also has ocd. won`t get help. i do everything alone. go shopping. everything i do is on my own. he never want`s to do thing`s with me. he says we have different interest`s. i can`t talk to him cause he think`s i am nagging. i just want a husband, and i can`t have that. i just don`t know what to do. i have just had a health scare and not once has he asked me if i am ok. i can`t go on like this. i never get cuddles and kisses. it takes him 10 min`s to even speak to me when i come home, never get 'how was your day love?' nothing.please what do i do.....i could go on and on... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): I have been married for almost 10 years and have a wonderful little boy who I adore. My husband is a jerk most times, can be nice when other people are around. He drinks like a fish in the evenings which leaves my son and I out of the question in the evenings and on weekends he starts drinking even earlier. This past summer he threw gas on our camp fire after drinking all day, and my sons face and arm got badly burned and he did to. I was so hurt and mad, he still doesn't think his drinking played a part in it. My son is better now and thank god has very little scaring. My husband is controlling, its always his way, I am always wrong and it doesn't matter what I say I am always wrong or my fault. I've sat many times reflecting on all the names he has called me, all the things he's told me about being stupid, a bitch, a loser, etc. and it gets me down. If only I could have 20,000 dollars so my son and I can start over, but he said if I ever tried to leave him and take our son there would be hell to pay. I am just fed up, scared, lonely, tired............... So dear woman yes there are many out there with similar issues, and no where to turn for help or finanical assistance. I work and make not bad money but if I try to save some he goes out and puts us more in dept and never for us, for friends his family.. never ending. so I feel for you with my heart and soul and no its like being between a rock and hard place. There are always things to do, when he starts to yell and scream I put my ipod on and listen to some music and just let him yell and scream..........................
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reader, needloving +, writes (9 July 2008):
needloving is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi northernbird how you doing have you made your big get away yet.or are things still the same for you? i am hanging on by a small thread.it doesn`t look like things will be different.thanks for listening. x
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reader, STEVIE10 +, writes (2 July 2008):
Hi, some bits of your maggiage is running parallel with mine. Which I have just posted on here.
I think it's time for me anyway, to move away from it.....get on with loving myself, instead of loving someone who doesn't care.
Maybe this is what you should done. Best of luck.
Start thinking about your feelings for a change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): he was how he was raised. I bet his father had a hard time showing affection to his wife. Alot of these guys grew up in households where touching and showing affection was "gross" These guys will never change Many men from these types of families are verbal and emotional abuses also.. I suggest you accept his coldness or move on.
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reader, needloving +, writes (30 June 2008):
needloving is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi thank`s for all your comment`s.i have told my husband even showed him your letter`s.i have tried to talk to him but no good.he doesn`t think he has done wrong,doesn`t need help.too stubborn for his own good.so what to do now is all down to me...
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reader, needloving +, writes (30 June 2008):
needloving is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni would like to thankyou all for your replies it is nice to know someone is listening..and i will sort this out as i know in my heart i can`t take much more..you are all so helpful in what you say.northernbird70 you say you are going through the same thing but do you find when you love someone you just sit back and hope one day thing`s will change.you will wake up one day and the man you married will be a different person.i know my husband had a very hard up bringing his father was the same.he hated him for the thing`s he did.no watching tv till a certain time ,stupid thing`s really.i have told my husband why do you want to be like him.he says he isn`t but i can see it.why can he not see what he is doing to our marriage,we fight all the time,he just brushes thing`s under the carpet and act`s as if all ok.what is so wrong with someone wanting to be loved.i do everything ,yes he does some small thing`s i.e tidy round when i am at work.i like to watch chat show`s now i am not allowed.everything has to be done the way he want`s it.like you have all said controlling i could talk to you for hour`s.because now i know someone is listening than`s again.... northernbird70 i hope you manage to sort thing`s out to keep in touch.x at the moment i have 1 foot in the door and 1 out..
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reader, Artistry  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Hi there, In reading your letter, I really feel that by staying in this relationship, you are stressing yourself to the point that, your physical being is being affected. This is very bad. You recognize what is wrong, point by point.
Your husband, I'm sorry to say, is emotionally abusive, he is in his own world and he wants you to be in yours and not to bother him, this is not what marriage is supposed to be about. I don't know how long the two of you courted, as they say, before you married, or maybe he had better behavior before you two married. But for sure, right now, as long as you put up with his abusive behavior, he is going to keep doing the same thing. If you think he would lsten, try to find a marriage counselor, and the two of you go and see if this helps. My instincts tell me, based on what you have written, that he will not have another person telling him what to do, or else he would have listened to you, the primary source of the frustration. I hope that you have some financial means, or someone who can help you, but I would suggest, that you call it a day, mostly for health reasons, you don't even realize what this is doing to your body. Please sit down, somewhere by yourself, preferably out of your house, and map out a plan to take yourself out of this misery. If you confide in someone nearby, be sure they are confidential or, else keep everything to yourself.
Perhaps, there is a minister that you could talk to, but for your own health reasons, as I said, map out a plan to leave and do it soon, this is intolerable, and no human being should have to put up with such treatment. I wish you well, and good luck in the future, please keep in touch with us. Take care.
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reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Big Sis is right, what you are experiencing is emotional abuse. You are not describing a marriage or even a relationship...there is no 'partnership' here is there?
I can see why you feel so alone and isolated - and imagine a real sense of hopelessness given how you describe your husband. It is not too much to ask to be 'cared about', but there is something blocking him from being able to see how to do this.
I am not really sure what advice to give you re. where to go next, but wanted to get you thinking about something. YOU. Do you feel you have lost yourself in the past 12 years? Can you even articulate your own wants, needs, passions anymore? Or have you been focusing on and trying so hard to be half of a couple that you gave up on your own needs?
I think you need to explore what you need and want in your life...and if that is being compromised by your marriage then something needs to change. You will need to work out how to put across what you need , and maybe you could use the help of a therapist here?
If your husband truly values you, and you cn get some communication going, he will be prepared to work with you to improve things...but if he can't then maybe it is time to part ways. I just know that you deserve to be happy and that you are not just a "passenger" in your own life...stop letting your husband decide what happens for you!
I know this isn't as easy as it sounds...but you have the power within yourself to change things...you just have to be ready and brave enough to do it.
Best of luck.
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reader, northernbird70 +, writes (30 June 2008):
Hi,
I have been with my husband 14 years and I am in exactly the same situation except i am not being controlled. I have to ask him for a hug or a kiss and feel so lonely most of the time - i have never had a conversation about anything meaningful and make all the household decisions on my own - if he does drag his backside off the settee and away from the TV he moans and pulls his face after a few minutes out. He sits on the settee and drinks beer and wine - normally at least half a bottle a night every night. We had a conversation the other day - i asked him if he knew what i wanted and needed - he said no - i asked him if he knew what he wanted and needed or if he understood himself - he said no!!
Like you i am feeling so low and damaged - this is abuse - but it leaves no marks that other people can see. my main worry - which is probably the same as you - is that if i go is there better out there for me - and reading Big Sis's reply - i think the answer is yes - we just need to find the courage to make both of our lives better - stay strong and get in touch - maybe we would get through this together!
Stay safe and do all you can to be happy!!
Northernbird70
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reader, xcharlottex +, writes (30 June 2008):
With Men, you have to be straightforwrd tell them EXACTLY wha you want and need, anything else is jus wasting time and causing mre pain. Even if he thinks your nagging...It's YOUR relationship too...You're a person in this relatinship and you deserve to be treated like one...tell him. Tell him you need to feel loved and wanted and like he needs you. Tell him you don get that from him...tell him that you feel alone, and sometimes you need someone to hold your hand, and he's your husband, he's sposed to be that person...you need to talk things out with him...& if you can both fight for it to work...then it's good. If he..or you ups and leaves...he's just a big chaer of your life that wasnt right, try not to think about how much time you wasted wth him rather than just be thankful you dont have to spend on emore minute in an unhappy relationship (if that is he upcoming scenerio)
Good luck x
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reader, BigSis +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Dear Needloving,
I've copied parts of my reply to another nice woman who is having to put up with her husbands 'selfish' behaviour.
Quote;
"Emotional abuse, in my opinion, can do as much damage as physical abuse, I know, I've been there with two fairly long relationships.
You sound like such a nice lady, but whether nice or not, nobody deserves to be treated this way. We're not put on this earth to endure the fancies of other people for their own amusement.
You have to be brave and tell him exactly your feelings towards his attitude in life.
Stop suffering and stop putting up with his affairs, it's wrong."
Ok, your husband may not be having affairs, but his controlling and lack of affection toward you is really out of order and you mustn't put up with it anymore.
Be strong, if you can and put your foot down, just out rightly tell him you refuse to take his selfishness anymore. Tell him ~ either he changes his attitude towards you and treats you like a loving wife by respecting and appreciating you more, or you walk away from the marriage.
You sound as if you're a real softie, just like I was, I did everything for my last but one ex, for years I put up with it, he had mood swings and I took it just to keep the peace, then the controlling started big time, 'til I was finally pushed over the edge. I'm telling you now, It was that bad, I wanted him dead.
I genuinely feel your agony here of what you're having to go through, and I just hope you find some peace and happiness, you deserve better than him, I'm sorry.
BigSis
xXx
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