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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year now. We've had our ups and downs just like anyone else, but recently we've been arguing often. Recently, I accessed her laptop and found cookies with evidence of porn and videos. I decided to take screenshots of them and kept them on my usb drive to confront her later about it. Granted, I don't have a problem with her watching it, since I myself look at it as well, but I wondered why it's on her computer when she said she doesn't look at the stuff. The dated time accessed is during the time/days when I'm gone for the weekends or in class. I have asked her if she did and she says she doesn't. She doesn't know how it got there and says that she has no reason to look at such things. No one else has access to her laptop. I just want her to confess to it-that's all, but she doesn't. I know she's looked at it in the past because she's shown me sites before. Should I just forget about it because I am guilty of looking as well or continue to nag on her for not confessing? She's gotten angry at me for looking at porn, and I've asked her to watch it with me (with her not agreeing), but at the same time I feel she's being hypocritical.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (1 July 2005):
Maybe it wasnt hers, sometimes my pc downloads porn that i havent been looking at.Maybe shes embarrassed about being 'caught' ?I wouldnt worry about it.
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (23 June 2005):
let it go!...but if hers is "personal" so is yours and she loses the right to say anything to you about your habits, until she can tell you how these things "miraculously" appeared on hers...You both know how they got there...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2005): Response-I didn't sneak in as you mentioned. As I opened winamp, a video file was there labeled 1.mpg. I decided to play the file. I then went to look at the 'recent items' played and it showed me where the files were located and I went there to the cookies. It wasn't just one site or one cookie. It was hundreds. I am not trying to shift the blame as you are saying. If she asks me, I tell her. Just as much as I expect from her. The fact that I want her to admit to it, is for the truth. No one else has access to her laptop because we live together. She does not take it anywhere else. It's not important that shes looking at porn, its important that she tells me the truth if I ask. If she can't be honest with this, how can I believe her when I see evidence of something else?Nevertheless, I'll let it go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2005): Oh, how I love it when the shoe suddenly hits the other foot! What hypocrisy! Bev writes "Am I to presume you innocently borrowed her laptop and settled down to write a letter to your mother when, out of nowhere, the cookie-cache suddenly exploded itself all over your screen?"Well, how about the woman one question up who "discovered" her 47 yo boyfriend was chatting online with 18 year old girls? I'll be he just told her what he was doing. I'm sure she wasn't snooping on him. What, really, is the difference between that guy chatting with young girls (and face it, they are probably old men his age posing as young girls)and her looking at porn while he is away? Dude, if she is looking at porn, count yourself lucky that her mind is that open. Maybe your sex life will benefit. If she isn't, no big deal either.
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reader, D_Missy +, writes (22 June 2005):
I agree with everything Bev said. Its not a deal. If she looks at porn, get over it. Its her business. My exboyfriend use to bother me about it all the time and all it did was piss me off. That sort of thing is meant to be a PERSONAL thing. Don't go snooping around her that kind of area, you'll just get your fingers snapped off...or your heart ripped out. She denies it because she might feel embarrassed by it. Is it really that much of a mission for you to embarrass her? Leave the poor girl alone.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 June 2005):
 Am I to presume you innocently borrowed her laptop and settled down to write a letter to your mother when, out of nowhere, the cookie-cache suddenly exploded itself all over your screen?
Let's be truthful... You didn't "access her laptop" and find "evidence of porn"; you sneaked in and went looking for it. And like every shame-faced snoop who ever found what he was afraid of finding, you now want to shift the blame for seeing it onto the victim of your snooping.
Smoooooth.
Why is it so important to you that she confess to it? Why have you spent so much time on reasearching the times and dates that the files were created? Isn't it just to assuage your own conscience? Would it make you feel "less guilty" if you found that she was actually hiding something?
This is a classic "pick your battles" challenge for your relationship. YOU have your suspicions and you don't want to be swayed by her denials. SHE insists - for whatever reason - that she doesn't know where the files came from.
You're not likely to get compromise, ever, so ask yourself how important it really is. If she looks at porn while you're in class, and the fact embarrasses her (I'm guessing), so what? What do you gain by making her wrong?
And if by some chance - the computer is second-hand, somebody borrowed it etc - the cookies don't represent her browsing, why would you want to risk damaging her respect by insisting that she's lying? You say no one has access to her computer... but, excuse me, you seemed to get access to it easily enough!
Accept that you went looking for trouble and you found it. Apologise for insinuating that your girlfriend's a liar, then resolve not to snoop around on people's personal property again. It's not worth the effort you're investing in this.
Let it go and stop obsessing; how would you like to be explaining to friends in six months' time that your last relationship went bust over a cookie file?
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