A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I'm looking for an outside perspective on my relationship with my boyfriend please?We have been together for 4 years but due to the fact he works evenings and I work 9-5 we can only see each other twice a week max for a couple of hours at a time. However the problem is, every time I see him he wants to have sex with me. It sounds like a good thing, but sometimes I'd like to cuddle and chat instead because we barely get to do that. He doesn't understand this. He thinks that because we barely see each other that I should want to have sex with him all the time. But I'm starting to feel like a fwb since it's all he ever wants to do. We quite often go for dinner but all he talks about is how he can't wait to get me home so even that is all about sex.I love the fact he still wants me after all this time, but sometimes I'd like to stay in and chat about our days or something like that. But if we're in his house it ALWAYS leads to him touching me and trying to initiate sex. Even if I'm in mid sentence! He says he finds me sexy so he can't help himself, which is lovely in a way, but sometimes I feel like that's all our relationship is. I've even found myself lying and saying I'm still on my period to avoid it sometimes but then he looks for bjs instead (which I like doing for him but again it's bringing things back to sex as usual).I feel like such a horrible person for lying to him and for not wanting sex as often because I do love him and I do like sex but I need more than that from him. I also find it hard to say no even if I'm not in the mood because he gets so hurt and says he feels rejected. So I always give in. In fact I think in 4 years I've turned him down twice.I'm guessing it has a lot to do with the fact I'm unhappy with the amount of time we see each other at the moment but there's not much I can do about that (he loves his job and the hours will always be unsociable). He has now asked me to move in with him but I'm reluctant because I feel I'll be getting pestered for sex constantly. In fact he listed 'more sex' as one of the reasons why me moving in will be so great! He thinks because we only do it twice a week that he's not getting much, whereas I feel that's ALL we do and I'm missing the emotional side of things.Can we find a middle ground? And am I doing the right thing by having sex even when I really don't feel like it? I think that's how he shows his love and I don't want to push him away but I'm actually starting to dread sex now because I feel it's expected of me.I've tried talking to him several times and he ends up hurt and thinking I don't want him. Which isn't true at all. I just need to feel heard and loved without it being the lead up to sex sometimes. Any advice will be great, thank you.
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female
reader, citadel  +, writes (23 October 2013):
twice you mention "he feels hurt"
Well, if that isn't manipulation at it's best I don't know how else to spell it.
He pushes the reset button everytime you want to talk about mmm.. ANYTHING. You're not in a relationship your in HIS relationship. You can't expect to validate your life through him. Or for that matter anyone. It's YOUR life. You want love, you love yourself, you look in the mirror and say
I LOVE YOU.. and then things will change, because you'll start to live up to that talk with your face in the glass.
He's emotionally unavailable. Look it up. Read till your eyes bleed. If he was my man, I'd lie on the bed with a bike pump and say "here honey, blow me up, whoo oo ya baby, ooo can't wait"
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): This sounds like my marriage in the early years. (We have been married 15 years).I can tell you now that if you continue on his path it will destroy our relationship. I was in your shoes and my husband was just like your bf, down to the part about feeling hurt any time youbsay no so you always have to give in.Sooner or later you will start to hate having sex with him because for you, sex is no longer a choice or a voluntary act. Instead it is something you cannot say no to because your bf will take it the wrong way.This has nothing to do with how often the sex is and whether it is "only" becauee you see each other twice a week. He is using you to get his needs met and being unconcerned about your needs. It is a one way street relationship. And deep down you feel used. Because you are. Bottom line is your bf is selfish and seeing this relationship as being primarily about getting his needs met and assuming that your needs are exactly the same as his, meaning he is unconcerned about you.However you also play a role in this. You are reinforcing his selfishness by giving in all the time just to avoid his emotional blackmail. If you do not feel positive about having sex you need to not be having sex. He needs to accept that you saying no is NOT a rejection of him. The fact that he equated your "no" to sex as a total rejection is a huge problem with his self esteem that only he can fix and he needs to because it is unhealthy and a distortion of what a relationship should be. Your relationship turns into simply preventing him from feeling loss of weld esteem. When that is what a relationship is about it is unhealthy because it becomes your responsibility for his self worth and that is messed up and not fair on you.Now if he doesn't truly get his self esteem shattered to bit just because you don't feel like having sex one day, then he is a emotional blackmailier and manipulator for telling you that you need to have wed with him to save his self esteem. This is also very unhealthy and dysfunctional.In my marriage it led to me hating sex with him and losing trust in him. I started to feel unsafe in my own home because he would demand sex from me and use force to get it if need be. All while claiming that i was enjoying it so it was OK. We almost got divorced over it. Things only started getting bettter a couple years ago when he started seeing a therapist for his weld esteem problems and she told him to leave me alone and not demand sex from me anymore. So things are better for me now. But we may still get divorced because I just hats sex with him now so I don't think I will ever want to have sex with him again. Bottom line is that your relationship is a one way street. He is using you to get his needs met or to keep his self esteem intact (for him having sex is related to hos self esteem otherwise he is a master emotional blackmailer). Any reason for being a one way street is bad whether it is sex related or not. But where sex is concered its extra harmful to the relationship because once you start finding sex unpleasant it is usually the beginning of the end of the relationship. You need to start standing up for your right to have your needs met too. That includes the need to not have sex every time you see each other at the expense of conversation or other things you enjoy. Just because sex is what he wants the most, doesn't mean it is what you want the most and he needs to learn to compromise just as you have. You need to stop conditioning him to expect to get his way all the time. That means you need to deal with the discomfort of him emotionally blackmailing you, without giving in. If he would leave you or cheat on you just because you want to do things as a couple besides sex all the time then this is not a healthy relationship at all and you should get out of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): well..stop going o his place. instead of that set a date in a place and see what he does. if he has a excuse or argue about it, you have you own answer and he probably doesnt want spend quality time with you but only satisfies himself.
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