A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend whom Ive known for about three years. He is 35 I am 45. We are also now work colleagues although I only work at the same place one day per week. He introduced me there by asking his boss to let me cover for him whilst he was posted abroad and they were so pleased wih my work they kept me on.The problem is this: he has - and I discovered always did have - very strong attraction towards me and I don't feel even remotely attracted to him but I had started to love him just as a friend. He is extremely ambitious and, even before I really knew him, I got an odd feeling from him - something 'not right' that I couldn't pin down. As I've gotten to know him I found he suffers from very extreme depression but there are no obvious life factors affecting him eg no trauma as a child and nothing else that could have caused the depression - I know this because we e talked a out it so much. He is very dependant in his wife because of his depression but she wants children and he is just clearly not even in the right frame of mind to 'go there'.When he told me of his feelings I was in a very vulnerable state as I had just gone through a crisis - I felt sick at the thought that he had given me this work whilst having ulterior motives. But the thing is I desperately need the work and - although he has these problems - we do get on really well. I don't have many close friends and I can talk to him.But despite his extreme depression be always manages to get what he wants in terms of career moves - he is so very nice to people and none of his colleagues or boss know about his depression. I should add I also suffered and still suffer at times from this but there were very obvious life events causing it.He has now said that he did consider withdrawing from me as a friend because he finds it so hard to be close to me without being able to show all of his feelings. And he said he may still have to do that because it causes him so much distress he can't cope. I shoul say I have not and do not ever flirt with this person in even a remote way.I feel so sad and upset about this because I don't have many close friends and intellectually we do get on so well. I'm also aware that he is able to be strategic I. Ways that I'm not and in a way I do need to learn from him about making career moves etc. I know I have difficulty trusting people so I'm not sure I'm overreacting or if I should just walk away. I e tried saying to him ' but what if I were gay?' Because to all I tents and purposes I may as well be as I have absolutely zero attraction to him and I'm just not really I interested in anyone in that way right now.Any opinions most welcome!
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female
reader, Sara_the_Slytherin  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I can identify with a couple things you said. I think that ambition is a very admirable quality to have. This does NOT mean I think you should pursue him. I'm just saying that I understand what it's like to suffer from depression and be an ambitious person at the same time in spite of all that. I am very sorry that you've also suffered bouts of depression. I have suffered from anxiety and depression throughout life and, as in your case, a traumatic life event has triggered it. I think that some people are more sensitive or just more prone to it than others. There is nothing wrong with opposite sex, PLATONIC friendships, but I think you realize it would be wrong to go down the relationship path with a married guy. I think that perhaps his unrequited feelings for you may be the reason for his depression, but it would really be wrong to get involved with him. You need to be very clear that all you can be is a friend to him. I would be there for him if he needs to talk, but it wouldn't hurt to distance yourself a smidge until his feelings for you have waned a little. Make it clear that you don't wanna be involved with him romantically. It might help you to get someone to talk to about your depression, and he may be in need of counseling.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 October 2013):
 If you know he feels so strongly about you, I would pull back. This can end so badly for you. 1. because you work together and 2. because he is married.
Combine that with his mental health, I'd let him go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013): There is nothing wrong with having a close friendship with this man. But it is very important that you make sure you are clear about boundaries and make sure to not allow him to cross any with you. He is a married man, and that's the end of it right there. You have these great conversations with him and he trusts you, so gently advising him to have these kind of discussions with his wife is where his energy should take him.
Do not get yourself wrapped up with a man who is married. That will bring you nothing but trouble.
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