A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 11 months now. In the beginning we took things really slow, we knew each other for about a month in half before we became a couple. We were doing so well until maybe 3 or 4 months into the relationship. My boyfriend went on vacation and he caught this girl's eye. I knew something was going on while he was on vacation because he would call me and then rush me off the phone and make silly excuses. When he got home I asked him what happened. He told me that he met this girl and she liked him and they just had conversation. He told me that she told him that she had problems with her father and she would use sex to get love in relationships. He also told me that he didn't kiss her at all, all they did was lie in the bed and touch on each other and somehow he ended up on the floor and she fell on top of him. They didn't have sex. When he told me this I was hurt but I didn't break up with my boyfriend. I think after that episode I didn't love my boyfriend as much as I use to. A couple of months later my boyfriend met this new girl. She and her mother came from Florida. The girl's mother and father were both on drugs and her mother came up here to get away from her father. The girl and her mother were living in a homeless shelter and at one point the girl's mother went back to Florida without her. My boyfriend became friends with this girl. At this point my relationship with my boyfriend was kind of not there. I felt like I didn’t love him, but I wanted to be with him because I needed him. [[Before I met my boyfriend I was really insecure and non-social ((I didn’t really have any friends, I did but not a best friend who I could run to and share all my secrets with. I guess that’s why I’ve always had boyfriends to fill that void)) not to mention I had a lot of acne. He helped me come out of my shell and during the course of our relationship my acne cleared up. I was no longer the ugly duckling and other guys (hotter than my boyfriend) started noticing me.]] I had become attached. I couldn’t stand on my own without him being there, it was like we weren’t two individuals in one relationship we were kind of fused together. Back to the new girl. One day my boyfriend called me and we were having a normal conversation and then we started getting into it. He told me, “somebody is making me happy and it’s not you.” [[I used to make him so happy all he wanted to do was talk to me; he was so faithful to me. Every time a girl would try to approach him he would shut her down and tell her that he had a girlfriend]] he went on to say that the Florida girl wrote him a three-page letter telling him how much she wanted to be with him, and that she and her mother cried over him. I guess he was mad because I had never cried over him and I was his girlfriend. When he said that somebody was making him happy and it was not me in my mind I felt that our relationship was over. After he told me that I was quiet for a long time and then I finally said, “If she makes you so happy than why don’t you be with her then?” He said that he could never have a relationship with her and they were just friends. After he said what he said his attitude change and he wanted to be with me all of a sudden. The days after that were tough, our conversations turned into arguments. After the little incident I had a different mentality, I’m not the cheating type, but I did start to talk to other guys behind his back. He picked up on it and got mad but I didn’t care. We tried to make things work but we broke up, but not really we still called each other and it was like nothing had changed. He still called me baby and told me he still loved me and said he really wanted to be with me. I spent Christmas with my boyfriend and the whole day I was with him he was texting the Florida girl and I was mad about that and then she came over to the house. I was super mad. Then to make things worse he leaves me and the girl all alone in the house; that was really awkward. My boyfriend came back in the house and the whole conversation I’m just sitting there thinking about taking something and hitting the girl with it. To make matters even worse my boyfriend invites the girl to hang out with us that night; that made me crazy mad. After she left things just kept going downhill. After Christmas I decided to really break up with my boyfriend. I decided not to talk to him for 3 months so I could get over him. He didn’t want to break up with me and ask if he really had to wait 3 months to talk to me again. He couldn’t take it. Before we officially broke up he told me he had to tell me something he said that he fingered the Florida girl while we weren’t together. I was crushed I felt like he cheated. His excuse was that we weren’t together. We weren’t together my behind! I was so pissed and I’m still pissed about it. He went on say that he still loved me and wanted to be with me and that after the 3 months he wanted to get back together and all this bull crap. We finally broke up and we stopped talking for about a week and a half, then he called me. I texted him and he texted me back saying that he can’t take not talking to me and that he needed me now more than ever. I called his best friend’s girlfriend and asked her what I should do. She told me not to call him and like an idiot I did. He manipulated me and that night and I went to bed so mad that I couldn’t sleep. We started talking again and he promised he had changed. Last night he gave me an ultimatum and told me that I was going to be with him or I wasn’t and he was no longer going to be a part of my life. He gave me an ultimatum because I kept on going back and forth and I couldn’t decide whether to be with him or not. If I stayed with him I knew that I would have someone to love me, but I was afraid of losing myself again an plus I didn’t feel like I really loved him [[earlier in our relationship I did]], and if I didn’t stay with him I would have the opportunity to figure out who I am and move on to some else, but I was afraid of being without him. I didn’t know what to do. Even though I feel like he’s cheated on me twice he was still a really good boyfriend. I chose to be with him, but I don’t know if I made the right choice. I just need some advice about this situation and about relationships and dating in general. What should I do? Should I leave him or stay and did he cheat on me or not?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Chata +, writes (10 January 2009):
 Laying in a bed with another girl and touching and such when you already have a girlfriend is definitely cheating. He told you that he could never have a relationship with her and then turned around and did that? Even if you weren't dating at the time, he still lied to you before, and that is wrong. The way he treated you at Christmas also wasn't right. He obviously did not care about your feelings or your discomfort, and that is a bad quality in a boyfriend.I think that he does this because he knows that you are so attached to him that you will continue to go back to him. My advice is to break it off completely, and don't talk to him. He's only going to suck you back in if you do. You need to distance yourself. It may hurt because you have come to depend on him so much, but you just have to deal with it. This is not going to be good for you. Find a man who will treat you with the respect that you need and who will be completely faithful.Try your best to cut all ties with him. Believe me, I know it's going to be so hard, but when you look back a year from now, you will realize how much better off you are without him. Never stay with someone who has cheated on you, even if he has just come close. After such things happen, your trust is gone, and there is no true love without complete trust, I think. If he has come close to cheating, chances are that he could go further next time, and you don't want that pain. If you commit yourself to a relationship, you are saying that for the duration of that relationship you want to and will be faithful to that one person. Even if you find someone else attractive, nothing will happen because you are commited. That is how it should be.
A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (10 January 2009):
 the only reason your still with him is because your afraid to be without him, right? well then you have to leave him. if you dont love him then theres not much point in staying in this relationship. besides, i can tell that he is makeing it harder for you to trust him, and trust is important in a relationship. now mabey the things he has done werent cheating, but he knew you would be unhappy about them. so if you cant trust him and you dont love him then you have to leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): your young, you will be ok if you leave him, it's hard and painful but he was texting her and having her come over in front of you, he didn't care how you felt and she does not care about you because she wants him. Let go. Don't believe his words because by his actions that's all they are!
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