A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Wanted to ask opinions about my relationship difficulties, as I am feeling a bit stuck right now...I have been married for 5 years and just had our first child, who is now only a few weeks old. Husband is a good, kind man and loving and supportive most of the time..One main issue is that he suffers with panic attacks - he tends to get them if ever I criticise him or sometimes even ask him a question (he assumes I am criticising him), and so refuses to take part in constructive arguments...which I need to talk about at times to resolve issues.Somehow we managed this, but since having our child, I have felt unloved by him - I had such a difficult pregnancy and was unable to walk properly for the last 4months due to complications / pain....and ended up having a c-section, for which I am still recovering over...have been in a lot of pain for a long time, but my child is worth it. When I was in so much pain during the pregnancy, he would tell me 'get over it' and 'all women go through this'.To make matters worse, we have outside stresses - no outside help (or even fuss) from family around our new child. Anyway, I was hurt that after 9 months of a most difficult pregnancy...and birth...husband did nothing to even make me feel special. To top it all, it was my birthday 2 weeks after giving birth - my first birthday as a mum...and hubbie did nothing. Well, he bought me some last minute soaps and a card - I had to request a card from our child as I knew he would not get one (I was right)....and he got me a blank card from our child (not one saying Mummy). Little things like this really hurt me, as it was a special birthday for me, being a first time mum.....when I expressed my disappointment, he just told me that I was over-reacting and to get over it. He tells me he loves me, but his actions show no thought for me. And then of course, I get upset/angry...and this triggers his panic attack (he fears I will leave him).And then, of course he had a panic attack. So bad that I thought he was going to have a stroke...I was so worried - as per usual, I have to then go to him and reassure him that everything is ok and that I love him...and finally he comes round - very upsetting to see him like this..I do believe he loves me, but I'm fed up of having to be treated like nothing...and then having to apologise to him when I confront him about an issue (because of the panic attacks).I am now wondering how we move forward with our marriage. I am very depressed (not depressed about becoming a mum, but more depressed about the holes in our relationship that this has uncovered). And of course, sleepless nights with a new baby don't help.I feel very alone with no-one to talk to about this.We are both in our late 30s, and when things are good between us, they are great. It's just my difficulties of this year have made me realise that he just doesn't support me when I am physically unwell.I love him very much but am finding it hard being in a relationship where I constantly have to walk on eggshells for fear of his panic attacks.He had counselling a few years ago ( after we got married - the panic attacks only appeared once we were married, on our honeymoon in fact!)....but the counselling did not help.Can anyone offer any advice?Thanks so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2012): So he only started having panic attacks after you got married? Have you contributed in any way to developing them? For example, your expectations of him. it seems you want him to be able to read your mind and automatically know what it is you want. It seems that you resent having to tell him what exactly you want from him (such as a birthday card from your baby...I mean, how on earth was he supposed to know you wanted that?? It would never have occurred to me as I didn't even think of that after I had my child)....
And he DID get you a birthday present yet you're not happy - you dismiss his gift as a 'last minute soaps and card". You basically invalidated him. It sounds to me like this poor man can do no right in your eyes. No wonder he's a nervous wreck by now if this is how your marriage has been from the start and he's terrified of conflict and confrontation and criticism. Maybe it started out with him feeling as if he's the one walking on eggshells around you. but of course now his panic attacks have become so bad that even if you ask him a neutral question he's been programmed to panic so now you have to walk on eggshells.
I need you need to re-adjust your expectations from him and maybe how you react to him for not being able to read your mind. You need to become an "emotionally safe" person to him, that means, he needs to not have any reason to be afraid of you.
You should cut him a lot more slack and appreciate what he does rather than focusing on what he doesn't do. Be a more positive person. otherwise he will feel like you're never satisfied and this makes him nervous about what did he do wrong this time.
he probably also needs to go back into counseling. A real panic attack is an automatic response that is beyond his control once it gets triggered. he may need medication.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Thanks for all your replies. I'm the original poster of the problem and just posted back some answers to your questions in a separate message here. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Dear Candid Cally and Aunty Em,
Thank you so much for your replies.
I confirm his attacks are real - he looks as though he is having a convulsion - body goes totally stiff, eyes rolled to back of his head so you cannot see the pupils, jaws tightly clenched, unable to speak, body shakes, cold sweats. It is tough witnessing these. I know he hates having them and is terrified.
They started on our honeymoon when we didn't know what was wrong with him then, and went to the dr s on our return. Dr arranged counselling, saying they were panic attacks. He had counselling for about 5 months but the problem still remains.
He only has an attack if I get very upset with him, like a defence as he cannot cope with criticism. He has a deep rooted fear of not being good enough, having come from a controlling family and previous controlling relationship.
He can be kind and very loving, but maybe I have too high expectations, I don't know. He helps me take care of my elderly father, and has been a great dad so far.
I just wish he could put himself in my shoes once in a while and understand my perspective.
Ironically, he is physically big and strong, but emotionally weak. Friends and family think we are the perfect couple.
He does do romantic things but only on anniversaries or valentines, where he will order flowers. But he never gives thought to my birthday.
Xx
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (6 December 2012):
His panic attacks began on your honeymoon. Are you certain they are because he thinks you are going to leave him? What triggered the first attack? Has he seen a doctor and had bloodwork performed to ensure he doesn't have a physical problem that is causing the attacks?
As for the way he is treating you...he seems ignorant. It also seems like he is using the panic attacks as an excuse to not talk about the problems you are having. Since he believes that your pregnancy was something that all women experience and he has not expressed a hint of empathy or sympathy for your pain and the major surgery you had, it is time that you confront him. When he has a 'panic attack' during the discussion, you can explain that he needs to 'get over it' and explain that real men can have constructive arguments without having panic attacks. Tell him that empathy is a two way street and you are exhausted, upset that he doesn't seem to understand that your pregnancy/birth/recovery was worse than most women experience and you are emotionally drained. If he doesn't man up and start acting like a supportive equal partner in your marriage you will want to see a marriage counselor so your issues can be addressed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): I have to agree with the above, I have seen a few fake attacks by my ex girlfriend who used her panic disorders as a tool to get around an issue or what she wanted. She liked the attention it brought her with people feeling sorry for her.I suggest next time he say's he's having an attack because you need answers, tell him to go on and have yourself a stroke because you can't deal with this anymore. You're not his mother and he's not being a man trying to get over his issues. My ex girlfriend takes meds daily, she's still my friend who's life greatly improved with a good doctor qualified for panic disorders. She did not want the panic attacks and did something about it. Granted she still has issues but nothing like it was before finding a good doctor with panic disorder experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): First of all. Congratulations of becoming a mum! Rest well and take things easy for a while, you have been through a tough year and the problems you mentioned are not going away....so they will `keep` for a little while, until you have regained your strength. So for now try and just concentrate on you and baby. Not having family/friends around is a shame but you can always join a mother and baby group, make some new friends and receive plenty of support. So Google for any in your area and do go out and meet people it will make you feel so much better about things. As for your husband. Panic attacks can't generally speaking be turned on and off like a tap! They can blow up out of nowhere, so i find it a little strange he only gets them in a confrontational situation. Once you are back on track and feeling stronger, ask him to go to the doctor for a check up. Either he has an underlying health problem or he might need a psychiatric evaluation. If he suffers anxiety a lot and has other difficulties such as being emotionally unavailable, an apparent lack of thoughtfulness, routines that cant be broken, difficulties in social situations, an inability to understand complex emotions, he might have a condition such as Aspergers. It is not uncommon among men. So do get him to go have a check up once you are back on your feet but for now, concentrate on you and baby and again, congratulations x
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 December 2012):
 From what you have described, it sounds as if your husbands panic attacks may be the result of a childhood aversion to critisism or change and he has brought those attacks into his adult hood as a kind of defence mechanism against dealing with certain issues.
It must be very difficult to be married to someone who you cannot talk to about difficulties you are facing for fear he will 'go into one' or have a hysterical reaction.
You seem to have coped at first but having a child puts a massive strain on a family and if one person is mentally unstable, then the other person (you) has to take all the pressure.
Your husband is very used to being handled with extreme care and for his feelings and reactions to be taken into consideration but he cannot or will not extend that care to you when you are feeling fragile.
I work in maternity and a cesarian section is a major operation that can take many weeks to recover from. I also fully understand the implications a new baby can bring and it is a very stressful time.
Is your husband on any medication for his condition or has he sort medical help of any kind (aside from the failed counselling attempt)?
Real panic attacks are scary and unnerving and if he is having these he should definitely be seeking help from a doctor. If he seems unwilling to get help, you have to wonder if it's because he finds his 'attacks' useful to gain attention and avoid dealing with issues he does not want to or situations which do not favour him?
I think there is evidence for this in the way he treats you when you are unwell. He is unsympathetic and cold, which suggests he sees only himself as worthy of attention during his 'episodes' and giving you attention might divert it away from him??
I know panic attacks are very real but also, in the line of my work, I have seen people feign attacks to gain attention...I have witnessed first hand the effects of a real attack and a fake attack and they are very very different.
It's hard to tell if your husbands attacks are real or not, but I do think his unsympathetic nature towards you when you are at a vulnerable stage, shows a fair bit of manipulation to suit himself.
You are now suffering the effects of depression as a result of not being able to discuss this akward situation and he knows he can 'throw one' to avoid the issue for evermore. There will come a time that this will be intolerable for you so it might be wise to tell him, unless he seeks professional help from a psychiatrist/doctor to control his attacks that you might have to leave him for a while so at least you can have some peace and time to recover fully from your ordeal.
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A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 I think there's a reason why the counselling didn't help. By the sounds of it, there isn't anything physically wrong with your husband and although his actions aren't always how you'd hope them to be, he does clearly love you.His panic attacks seem to be a form of defence mechanism that has very child like/animalistic attributes. It sounds very much like when he knows he's in the wrong he needs to try and turn the situation around to avoid confrontation. He has found that having these panic attacks makes you feel like you're in the wrong by having to apologise to him.When a child doesn't get their own way, they seek the same outcome. They will either cry to the point they make themselves sick or use another mechanism that can instantly make the mother become the submissive again. So basically what you are dealing with is an unconscious power battle.Whether your husband is knowingly doing this or is genuinely insecure, his panic attacks are his way of gaining control of the situation once more. This could have developed from childhood or from previous relationships (only knowing his past could determine that, so I have no place to comment).As you shouldn't have to deal with these outbursts at the slightest point you want to make about yourself, I would suggest maybe going to see a relationship counsellor. Not because I think the relationship needs mending but you need someone to 'referee' your points. Being able to express your feelings and lack of feeling special to him with a counsellor in the room may stem his panic attacks slightly because he won't be able to gain control, but you'd also receive a supporting arm and viewpoint from the counsellor. Your main priority right now is with your baby and you, you shouldn't have to be dealing with a husband who is slightly emotionally unstable. It should be him supporting you as you say not the other way around because he's had a panic attack. I hope this helps and I wish all the luck with this it can't be easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Either he has never had an panic attack and lied after you both got married as not to be in an conformational situations or he was covering up the real him during your dating period..You do not need counselling he needs medical treatment, get him down to the gp with him and explain the situation as you have here ..this is no life for you or your baby and being honest being unsympathetic and uncaring about you the pregnancy and your birthday has nothing to do with his panic attacks, he is being a donkeys ass, and I'm wondering if he's jealous of the situation.How was he before the pregnancy? Hope this helps..
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