A
female
age
30-35,
*ictoriaK
writes:Hi all, I just got married on May 10th. I know it's supposed to be a happy, joyous occasion, however with my husband working 2 jobs, and going to school full-time, I just sit here all day in our house, with nobody to talk to. So when he gets home, I want as much of him as I can have, we only see each other about 3 hours out of the day, and when he gets home, I understand he needs to relax, but he goes straight to the computer and plays games until it's time for bed. He never did this before we got married. I feel neglected, and unwanted. I know it sounds selfish, but I just want to spend time with him. Whenever I bring it up, he acts like it's not a big deal saying, "The computer's right next to the couch, so I'm here, and I can talk to you." He also never wants to make love. I always initiate it. :( So my question is How can I get him to spend more time with me? P.S. For everyone saying I should get a job, I'm not able to work due to heart disease and seizures. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Kama  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 I would be hurt too. To always have a computer between you and your husband during the little freetime you have would be very frustrating and not intimate. My wife and I play board games and cards - this is a lot more fun for both. I think you have an emotional "right" to be payed attention to; just because your husband is extremely busy and "bringing home the bacon" doesn't mean he can tune out and ignore you. I support your feeling ignored. Computers are addictive. Poor girl!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Aww, q, waxing all eloquent like..it's a beautiful thang, ain't it?
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female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (27 May 2010):
VictoriaK is verified as being by the original poster of the question Okay, sop I think I understand it a bit better. Before we were married, he felt the weight of taking care of me, but now that it's on paper, he's finally FEELING it? and he's 26 by the way...not my age group. about the baby thing, we've been trying since March of 2009. He is an introvert, has only a couple of really close friends. So it's like he has a leash because he can't go around screwing everything that walks? But he's never been like that either way. And we lived together before getting married....I don't know..it's all kind of surreal.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (27 May 2010):
Damn...so it's all like that now.....
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2010):
 Hey, there's a whole lot of settling that happens after the wedding and it isn't all snuggles and roses.
On my honeymoon, I came out of the restroom at a world famous museum only to find him checking work voicemail from the payphones. I wasn't too pleased, I can tell you that. It's a running joke now, but I was ticked off. And I am not a nice person when I am angry. I felt like the romance had just been sucked out of that day. I didn't comprehend that he had to worry now not only about himself and his career, but he was responsible for me as well, officially, for now and for always. Kind of a big deal, when you think about it that way. And middle management levels are CRUSHING on people who don't present as a 110% commited to the job. (This may just be a US thing but there's some truth to the phrase "the rat race.")
Have you two lived together before you got married? Or did you just move in together?
You have gone through the wedding, you've had your honeymoon (presumably), now it's back to business, only he has WAY more responsibility now than he did before you got married.
I wouldn't be surprised if Q's assessment isn't part of the issue. It's the adjusting to the finality of it, the WEIGHT of the responsibility, that you are fragile and need tending and care and it's now ALL on him. He must be feeling totally suffocated and panicked.
The video games are a way of self-medicating, I know because I do them too. They keep the brain yips at bay and act as a soother. My brother-in-law is king of those kinds of games. He is an introvert and HAS to have down time.
As for the sex part.... are you by any chance trying to get pregnant right away?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (27 May 2010):
See? Now there...we'll get you right side up!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (27 May 2010):
and this is a problem, how?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (27 May 2010):
True, if all he were doing is playing games on the PC, that would be a much different matter. But the sugar coating and glitter wearing off in a few weeks? Rather soon for the "re-tooling" isn't it?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (27 May 2010):
Umm, Tisha? Tisha's better at this stuff than I am, Me? I'd just tell you to take the bull by the horns and tell him this is how this is gonna go: hang on, shut up, and enjoy the ride, Buster....but that's me, I'm as subtle as train wreck so..hang on, let me go find Tisha.
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female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (27 May 2010):
VictoriaK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe odd thing about this whole situation, is that it didn't happen until after we got married. And as for sex, before we were having sex whenever we could, during his lunch breaks, all the time. And then we get married and I'm lucky if I get it at all! It's very frustrating, because I know he has 2 jobs and it's probably not me, but there's a part of me that believes that he just doesn't find me sexy, or he's decided that since we're married that if we don't have sex, it's okay because we're married now, if that makes any sense.
And as for trying to communicate with him about it, whenever I bring it up that I'd like to watch a movie before bed, instead of watching him play games. He always says he doesn't want to watch a movie. I guess I seem very selfish right now, but I am trying to put myself into my work here, and try and focus on others problems. Thanks for the feedback, I guess I just needed to vent a little bit.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2010):
You sound like you have the right attitude, you just need to turn your focus elsewhere for a bit. If he perceives that he's losing your attention, I'll bet he'll sit up and take notice. Make him miss you a little bit.
The other thing for you right now is that you've just had all this activity and excitement surrounding the wedding; that's all in the past now, and the days suddenly don't have the focus they did before the 10th, do they? He probably needs a lot of down time to rest his exhausted and frazzled brain. Even if he is an extravert, he probably just needs a break from people in the evenings. If he's an introvert, he absolutely needs the alone and quiet time to recharge his batteries.
Please believe me, I have been where you are right now. This can go either way and you want to nip this downward spiral in the bud.
I know, it's not fair that you are the one who has to accomodate him right now, but I just want you to do a slight attitude adjustment. For now. If this keeps up and he completely ignores you all day everyday, then come back here and we'll address that then.
My bet is that he comes home, exhausted and there you are, all bright-eyed and perky and happy to see him and soooo expectant of his company and energy that he simply can't muster it up. Try to make a date night commitment, so that he does have a night that is 100% devoted to you. I think he should be able to agree to that, even if it is pizza on the dining room table followed by a DVD and dessert on the couch.
Congratulations again. Oh, by the way, I found DearCupid to be very helpful in lifting me out of my doldrums. Putting your mind to work on other people's problems takes the focus off your own.
Hope this helps!
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female
reader, VictoriaK +, writes (27 May 2010):
VictoriaK is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, I'm going to try and get involved in some kind of activity. I appreciate all of your feedback, and I'm going to take all of your advice, and make my marriage a happy, and healthy one. Thank you again.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2010):
The real problem is that you are not getting enough social interaction with other people, so you are relying on your new husband (congrats, by the way) to provide for all of that. That's really not fair to a man holding down 2 jobs and going to school. You have to be responsible for your own mental stimulation.
Can you do volunteer work, where you sit instead of stand or lift things?
My neighborhood is very social; we have book clubs and little gatherings and walkers and runners looking for partners. I'd suggest you plan something at your new house, that will get you out of the house to shop and plan. (Can you drive?) Invite a small group of women over to high tea, or a breakfast or start a book club. Can you walk? Find a couple of walkers to join you 3 days a week. If you are physically capable of doing it, the 3 day breast cancer walk is something that can keep you focused and engaged for a long time, as you prepare for it. I did it last year and met quite a few people doing it. There are loads of charity events that need volunteers to stuff envelopes or answer phones and you might be able to give them your time.
You have this great need for socialization, but it's unfair for you to expect him to be the ONLY one you're socializing with. He needs a break, poor guy! Maybe you can rub his feet while he's on the computer? Sounds like he needs some nurturing and you need something to do. Put the two of those things together and maybe that will help solve part of the issue.
You could do on-line classes if you can't leave the house. Skype is something else that could keep you connected to people. Use your noodle; be creative. I think right now you are feeling sorry for yourself, and believe me, I fully understand where you are, because I have been there myself. It's not a happy or healthy place to be. Bottom line is that it's not his responsibility to fix; it's yours. So let's get creative!
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (27 May 2010):
 Even if you can't work maybe you can get yourself involve in a club, some kind of craft school, attend meeting, do something with your time so that you don't sit around bored having anything to do.
Your husband works two jobs and goes to school full time this must be hard and he might use the computer as a method to unwind from a long day, be a little more patient.
The only thing I think you should be concern about is how quickly he lost interest, you two are newly wed and he should be all over you and I can see how this would get you upset.
Talk to him and when he tells you there is nothing wrong reply back say something, do not stay quiet and leave these feelings bottle in.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (27 May 2010):
2 jobs AND school full-time? Geez, did you marry superman or what? That is a helluva work load for anyone!
I have been married an aggregate total of 23 years, sweetie. 12 on the 1st attempt, and now in the 11th year of my second and what you're describing is a working man's behavior.
It's very hard not to take it personal, but it's usually not about you at all.
These guys get tired, they're burning it at both ends, so the best, supportive, thing you can do is cut him some slack. The last thing that goes over really well is you complaining and asking him for more of him or fit-throwing like a petulant, pampered poodle demanding more attention. His idea of "together" may just be that you're right there on the couch and he's next to you phasing out into the computer, frying what's left of his ragged head for the day. It's not OUR idea of together, but as we know, men think very differently than we do. Be as positive and as supportive and as understanding as you can muster. Once he can catch his breath and rest up, I'm betting you'll be back here asking what to do because he won't keep his hands off you! Just give it some time. Married since the 10th? this is still pretty new yet. Hang in there and have some patience with the situation, it lays positive ground work for the times when you really have to lace into his ass about something important.
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female
reader, Casandra +, writes (27 May 2010):
 Congratulations on your marriage, however I do sympathyze with your situation. I know of a couple that had been married for some time and had a child together and the wife would sit at the computer and the husband would ask why they never spent time together and she replied that she was right there so it is spending time together. Have you expressed how spending time together isn't just sitting in the same room but actually communicating, touching, being physically and mentally together? It is also important to realize whether this just happened after your marriage or did this problem start before then? As far as spending time together, is there a movie he would like to see? Is there a favorite meal of his that you could make? There is nothing wrong with a little bribery sometimes :) It'll allow you two to sit down and then you can open the door for conversation to express how you really feel and if he insists that he wants to do his own thing and you are spending time together then I apologize but he must be dense like a brick...
I hope this helped a little.
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