A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This may sound a little sick and twisted and that's cause it is. My boyfriend was my brothers best friend growing up (he's 10 yrs older than me). He's been a friend of the family for years. We have been together going on 4 yrs (no kids or talks of marriage-he doesn't believe in it and I'm fine with that) I just found out today, from him, that he slept with my mom when he was 18. This was close to 20 years ago but I am really torn as to whether I can stay with him or not. I now know the real reason my mom doesn't like him and has so much animosity towards him. I think I'm more hurt by the fact that my mom didn't tell me when she saw that we were starting a relationship together. They never had any type of relationship, they just slept together. I want to know the facts surrounding the situation (were they drunk, did they mean for it to happen or did it "just happen", etc) but I'm not sure that I can handle what he tells me. I really love him and don't want our relationship to end I'm just not sure how I can move past this. Please help, anyone that has a similar situation or has anything to say. Thanks
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female
reader, Love is all you need  +, writes (6 August 2009):
 ask your mom hy she did it? why didn't she tell you in the first place? let her know your not ok with it. but if yu think the relationships worth saving then go for it and work past it, or if you think its too much that you were lied to then i guess your stuck with the question....who do you not talk to your guy or yor mom?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): You need to talk to your mom and ask her why she didn't tell you about this before you started dating your boyfriend. He should have told you as well when you started dating, but she is your family and she should have talked to about it. You deserve an explanation of why she did this and what the circumstances were. You will not be able to put this behind you and move on until you get the whole story. You should be demanding an explanation from her. You won't be able to decide what to do and how to move on until you get the truth. Good luck and post back here if you talk to your mom and get an explanation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): i agree with your friend- your bf is a *ick for mentioning his sexual act with yopur mom. maybe he wants out and knows this is the only way. maybe he wants you to have it out with your mom and he wants revenge on her. maybe he cruely wants to rib it in her face that now you know her secret. your bf is up to no good. he came clean for a reason - you need to find out why now he is confessing. do not cut him slack. love him? watch him, some more uncovered secrets to confess?
you need to have a frank talk with your mum as well. as adults discuss and tell her that you expected the truth from her.
Grimm is right, you need to fix you and you need to work through this.
good luck
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (5 August 2009):
 You simply have to make your choice whether or not that this is something that 1) you can move past and 2) feel comfortable in remaining with your BF.
Gosh this must be such an agonizing decision for you, and I really do feel for your plight.
I guess you really aren't expecting to get straight answers at this late date, or at least the answers you want. I figure that those answers will never come.
Rather than focusing on this lurid incident, try taking some time away from both of them. It is something that I think that you need to sort through with a professional.
Im sure you feel very broken, and that your relatiuonship with him is all for naught. But don't think that. You need to fix YOU and your feelings because at this late date you cant expect them to do anything outside of playing the "He said, she said" game. And that will get you nowhere.
I suggest seeing a therapist and moving forward without either of them for now, until you can fully come to grips with this tragedy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): well they are both at fault, the lies in covering up their (do i call it an affair??). although it was your mothers responsibility to tell you the truth, i can perhaps understand why she hid it. your bf on the otherhand knew what it would do to you yet he kept quiet. i think he owes you a proper explanation for hiding the truth. maybe your mother was humiliated when he started going ou with you therefore she kept quiet hoping that you would not find out her sordid past. doesn't excuse her behaviour though.i think you have to make wise choices if you want to continue in this relationship.i think you are leaning more towards favouring your bf instead of your mother. although they are almost equally to blame by not telling you, he should have definitely confided in you before sleeping with you too. has he bragged that he bagged both mother and daughter?? also maybe you need to be a bit sensitive towards your mother- after all the man she slept with is now with her daughter. as for the bf, he has some explananing to do - not for sleeping with your mother, but for lying and hiding the truth. this revelation will damamge your relationship with your mother, so be prepared. so he doesn't want kids or marriage- what is so stable about this man. your best years are being wasted on this man, who did not value you in the first place. more trauma in store for you. what else has he lied about. he knew when he started with you the consequences when you found out. you invested 4 years, how else have you not discovered about him.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 You can't expect your mother to reveal something like that to you, why would she take the chance of ruining her relationship with you by doing that. He is a dope for mentioning it and quite frankly would be the kind of thing to do to end a relationship..intentionally. And if not intentional then you have every right to tell him to move on for only an uncaring, thoughtless, stupid person would do that to someone they loved. Its time for him to go and for you to allow your mother not to be punished for something that happened so long ago.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (5 August 2009):
 That is kind of weird, but you know, it happened twenty years ago. Twenty years is a long time. It is awkward all around which is probably why your mom didn't mention it. I mean, how can you start that conversation?
Maybe he slept with her once, nothing happened again because it was weird, and he stopped calling. He was 18 though...18 year old guys are not always great at relationships.
Give it time. Try not to think about it. I would not pry any further because I personally would not want the mental image. Just consider it something crazy that happened long ago and move on.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Hi - not sure if this helps as its kind of different.... but my boyfriends Mum slept with his close friend (his mate is 10 years older than him and his Mum is young so not that much of an age gap) and it happened when his Mum was going through her divorce. My boyfriend only found out when his mate boasted about it. This kind of divided the family and I don't think things were ever the same a lot of resentment - although understandable. Trouble is its such an intimate thing and lots of emotions get mixed in mistake or otherwise. I think your Mum tried to put your feelings before her own in not telling you but has also struggled to deal with it - she's kind of getting her nose rubbed in the dirt with him starting a relationship with you. I think you are missing the fact that actually it was your boyfriends responsibility to tell you about all this before you two got involved so you had a choice and the fact he has kept this a secret from you does not bode well in my opinion... By starting a relationship with you he was holding your mother to ransome in a way because he knew she would be unable to easily tell you about it and that must have been horrible for her to live with. Its not a nice thing that he has done to either of you. You need to ask yourself some questions as to whether it is going to play on your mind each time you are now intimate with your boyfriend and whether you want to go through the heartache of trying to get through the awkwardness associated with it all. Unwittingly you are now stuck in the middle. My boyfriend still has massive hangups about his Mum even with his friend and so I don't think these things ever do go away I'm afraid. I think you need some time to get used to the revelation and reflect on the boundaries of trust that have now been broken. If you can trust your boyfriend maybe you have a chance but if I am being honest I would say it will be easier to finish with him. Is he worth it?
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A
female
reader, mrshamilton +, writes (5 August 2009):
 well i dunno cos u say he's 10 yrs older than you and you woulda been eight when he slept with her so u wouldn't have been gng out wi him(i hope!!)
it in the past and just keep it there. it must have been a mistake
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