A
female
age
41-50,
*hisyearslove
writes: I am having a very hard time, two days ago something happened to me, which I just never imagined would happen. I had been with my boyfriend for only about six months. We got pretty serious straight away- not sexually but emotionally. He seemed to totally adore me, it was definitely him doing all the chasing, and eventually he won me over. Although we only saw each other maybe every other week, sometimes more often, (as I am studying at university in another city)we spoke every day, sometimes like 20 times a day, we would stay up all night just talking about everything and nothing. We had so much in common it was scary, we just really got on. Anyway for the six months nothing seemed to go wrong, I loved him, and he continuously told me he loved and adored me and really didn't want to be without me. Last weekend we were going to stay in a hotel. He seemed very excited about it, as was I, I arrived there early, and when he got there he kissed me on the cheek, but after that he began to be cold towards me, showing me no physical affection. However he seemed determined to have sex with me as much as he could. We had sex 22 times in about 18 hours! It was violent rough sex, sometimes I told him it was hurting but he wouldn't stop. He made me so sore that I pretended to climax each time just to make it end. He kept trying to have anal sex with me, and really really hurt me when he tried to force himself inside me from behind, I screamed and he just laughed. After all this, there was no cuddles, no love like there constantly has been for the last six months. We were meant to stay in the hotel for 2 nights, but he said he had to take his sat-nav back to his mum and dads, and he left me in the hotel sobbing my heart out. I phoned him and begged him to return when he dropped off the sat-nav, but he said he couldn't. I said please you can't leave me here like this, and he said I shouldn't use emotional blackmail towards him. He said he would call me the following day. I had to call my parents to pick me up from the hotel. The next day he refused to answer my calls, or phone me back. He said he feels 'smothered' by me. I am totally in shock, I have done nothing different. I was loving towards him. It's like hes had a complete personality change. He was the most beautiful person I had met and he seems to have become this monster.Obviously I'm not stupid enough to think we could ever be back together, but I just feel so used, hurt and basically broken.I know time is meant to be a healer, but I just can't cope at the moment. Please help me xxx
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anal sex, emotional blackmail, rough sex, university, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2008): You deserve better than this man who has been very abusive towards you.
It is true that time is a great healer but it cannot take all the pain away all at once. It's good that you had your parents to help you.
Keep away from him, spend as much time as you can with family and friends doing nice things. Have some counselling if you feel you need it. Eventually you will forget all this and find someone better. Don't let yourself be used for sex only. A lot of men get lovey-dovey to get what they want, sex, don't be taken in.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): I'm so sorry to read your message. I'm really sorry but you have to understand that this guy manipulated you and then abused you and then deserted you. He is scum and you should never see him again. Do not contact him ever again and it will take a long long time to recover but your life will be much the better for it. Good luck and god bless.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (8 November 2008):
 you poor thing my heart goes out to you! apparently its quite normal for victims to miss or still hold feelings for their abusers,so please keep strong and dont contact him. i think you just miss the idea of him and all the times when he was nice,not the horrible nasty twisted side. there are good guys out there honey,keep the faith and good luck xx
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A
female
reader, thisyearslove +, writes (8 November 2008):
thisyearslove is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for your beautiful words of comfort and advice. I'm still hurting so bad, but each day I do seem to feel a little better, apart from yesterday for some reason I had the strongest urge ever to get in contact with him. You all have no idea how much comfort and strength I have taken from your kind and honest advice. It's been almost a week and he still hasn't contacted me, maybe he never will, I'm afraid I still don't hate him just yet, so the thought of never knowing what happens to him, and never knowing why he did this is kind of killing me more then anything else. That and the sense of loss, I just miss him so much, but obviously I miss someone that may no longer, or maybe never really existed in the first place. I have good friends, and I'm trying to keep busy, but I really wish I could just wake up in like a month and all this heartache be over.Thank you all once againxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): Do you know what, I thought I was treated bad by my ex until I read this post. What an absolute bastard. All you can do hun is keep strong. What this pig done to you is disgusting. You have done nothing wrong and you are way, way too good to ever give him another chance. No girl should ever go thruogh what you have. Put this behind you and try to forget. I cant even say learn from the situation as you never did anything wrong in the first place to learn from. Just make sure you dont let this loser back into your life. You will find someone eventually who will treat you like a princess which is exactly how you should be treated. In the meantime, it may be worth talking to a counsellor or even the police to find out whether what he done is classed as rape. And if it is dont let him get away with it. xx
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Yep, sounds like rape.
What if hes got a double personality? I am not sure how this is called in medical terms. I am not trying to defend him, but he might be mentally unstable, keep away from him!!!
If he is mentally unstable he will probably contact you sometime later himself like nothing happened!
Forget and move on, you seem to be a rather rational and stong person, everything will be just fine xxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Of course you feel used, hurt and broken right now, but each day will get easier. He deceived you despicably. So now you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and I really think you should also consider yourself lucky that you found out what a cad he is before you wasted anymore time on him. You will recover, honey, I promise.
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A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Dear Thisyearslove,
This is such a sad tale, as a guy i feel for you and what you must be going through right now...if i could apologise on behalf of all the guy's who mis-treat their girlfriends like this i would do so...it really makes my blood boil with anger and frustration when i hear of how badly some guy's treat their supposed "loved-ones" in this way. Make no mistake he's treated you appallingly, no-one should have had to endure what you've been thru' and i can imagine it will make you think very hard, long and carefully about who you entrust your feelings and love for in the future. This is a shame because believe me there are some nice guy's out there, the one's who know how to treat a girl properly with respect, dignity, caring, affection, and love and you will find one of these.
From what you've written it appears to me that he was out for only one thing right from the start, and lulled you into believing he was more than that..he's essentially conned you with deceit of emotions and this is a very bitter pill to swallow.
But you will and must, pick yourself up..pop into to town and buy yourself something nice (something just for you), resign the fact that this guy was a total piece of work and that you got out in time.
You mentioned time is a great healer, it is, but don't allow yourself the indignity of re-playing this over and over by dwelling on it...put it away somewhere in a closed box within you and move onwards..i feel so desperately inadequate that i can't offer more to help and heal than these words but remember this, you're worth more than than this and your value as a person is way way beyond anything he can tarnish you with..so look up..the future's a big wide open space where you can write your own script and have in it your own characters.
You will come through this and be a much stronger person as a result, I wish you well..chin up, smile..there's someone out there who loves you genuinely, and who you'll love and have a fantastic life with, you just haven't found one-another yet but you will.
Kind Regards
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A
female
reader, Reebe +, writes (4 November 2008):
 I'm not suprised you feel the way you do. what a sad thing to of happened especially when you trusted him so much.
What he did could be classed as rape. You asked him to stop and he didn't.
Stop all contact with this guy, I wouldn't be suprised if he tried to contact you and see you again. Be strong and tell him no.
The pain and hurt will pass eventually. Surround yourself with your friends and people you trust. I promise it will feel and get better.
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