A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently, well its been a feeling for some time but more prominent at the moment, I just feel so directionless! My life isn't going anywhere. I'm 21, never had a girlfriend, sex, never even had a proper kiss, no female friend. I'm quite shy and find it extremely difficult to talk to girls, and sound confident and witty. I think it might be a self-esteem issue, as I hate my weight, I was picked on for it in high school, now I am over 6 foot and approaching 15 stone, I'm always self-conscious about how I look, and I walk with a constant stoop, probably to disguise my height and prevent attraction to myself.I really feel like I need a girlfriend, I spend a lot of time on the internet on adult websites (even paid for many sites!) Often they are of a fetish nature featuring submissive females. I hate this! When I hear about girls having sex, most of the time I think they are sluts, which is absurd. Am I jealous?My job is unfulfilling, full of wasters or older women who have families and a life. I don't want to progress any further in the company (shop work), I can't drive (failed 5 times on my test, and now have to do my theory again because it has been over two years, which I then failed). Not many friends, don't go out much.I was invited to a party by two of my friends, it was just going to be us and the rest were all girls we didn't know (except one, which my friend knew) and I said no! I told them I would be uncomfortable, so we stayed away. I really feel like I am just a pathetic loser (my friend actually called me that behind my back because he wanted to go).When I think about it, I get very depressed. I either feel that way, or try to lose myself in various fiction. I'm kind of geeky, I watch a lot of anime, sci-fi and similiar things.To sum up, I just feel completely lost, like I'm drifting through life, but I can't even get a girlfriend (which annoys my dad to no end) to be happy with because I am useless with girls and too lazy to do anything about it!Advice? Is something wrong with me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw
A
female
reader, Jessypj +, writes (7 December 2010):
You remind me of my best friend!
He's overweight, nerdy and never has a girlfriend but recently he's been really confident and the girls love him!
It doesn't matter what you look like, girls lobe someone who is omf
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Walk tall my friend.
There is nothing at all wrong with you. You are only 21, you have plenty of time to find a girlfriend, and when you do it will probably be worth the wait.
Go out there and meet new friends at parties with your existing friends, be glad that you have your existing freinds around you to be able to go out with, and just enjoy yourself without feeling self conscious.
When the right person comes along you will know. Even if they don't turn out to be the right person after a while, there will be others. Time will tell. You are still young, so please enjoy life while you still can, and don't let anybody bully you into thinking that you aren't a normal guy.
You must have confidence in yourself, and forget about the nasties that happened in high school, fortunately all that is in the past now.
Be proud of who you are, and if you don't like the way you look, like weight-wise, try to lose some, and exercise to try to rectify your posture and your self esteem, otherwise just walk tall, you are alive and kicking and have your whole future ahead of you, enjoy it. Everybody is different but nobody is perfect, (though we all wish we were)!
As for your current job, at least it gives you some money, but perhaps have a look around for a different one if you really hate it there, but try and stick with that one until you find another as the money helps us do what we want and gives us some savings for that rainy day.
Hope this helps pick you up, as you sound as though you just need more confidence in yourself, then you will feel much better about going out there and really enjoy life instead of worrying about what other people think of you.
You are who you are, be proud of that.
Take care and enjoy yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): You know, it sounds to me like your main problem is your lack of confidence. You should be proud of who you are - I have many female friends who love tall men. And I can think of many men who were perceived as geeky when they were younger but have grown into themselves.
Your interests are your interests and your looks are your looks - just make sure that you make the most of them. Instead of wasting your money on porn sites that will just make you feel worse, why don't you use that money to get someone to style your hair, a personal trainer at the gym or a personal shopper who can help you with styling advice. If you hate your job, instead of blaming others for you, do something about it.....go to college and get some new skills or apply for jobs that you think you may be interested in - but remember, we all get knock-backs, so don't let these get you down even more - they are a reality in the job market at the moment. Or you could find a club that you might like - something where you can get fit, get to know other people and gradually, over time, become good at it. These things alone will address the issues you highlight, and overall will help you to become more proud of yourself and confident in yourself. You will become someone who, instead of moaning or wallowing, does something about it.
Believe me, if you follow all or even some of these things, you will find a girl no problem and have a much happier life. Just take the first step - believe you are worth it and go for it!!!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 December 2010):
Invictus
OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade, 1
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley. 1849–1903
You can't change your life when to don't even get out of the starting gate or try. Do one small change this week. Force yourself to try something new. The next time you are asked to a party; Go!
There's nothing wrong with you, and this pattern of self loathing and throwing yourself pity parties isn't changing a thing. You know what needs to change; and you are the only one who can change your own habits, your job and your circumstances. Get to a driving school, get a new job, and get a hobby that involves meeting people your own age with similar interests.
Set a timer and limit your internet time - that can be a big black hole of time wasted. Don't make excuses for yourself and stop calling yourself names. Your friend said it because he was pissed at the time; it means nothing and nobody can define you but yourself. Wish I had a 18-21 year old body again and the time to enjoy it. Life is yours for the taking, my young friend.
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