A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So we just started to date, we're entering our 4th month now and at first we agreed to have a casual relationship, but now she is starting to fall for me (so she says) and is asking me to become exclusive with her.. I'm noticing that she's been very distant when it comes to sex, and not willing to open as much, so i asked her about that and what's wrong with her since we agreed to have a casual thing, that sex should be perhaps the biggest part of it, and her answer was (which i found hilarious and manipulative) "I can't open up to you sexually as sex is emotional for me, and I'm starting to fall for you, and having had sex with you the few times that we have, you can very well give me the best sex i've ever had by far, and if i open up to you, and we get sexually more comfortable, then I'm going to get more emotionally attached to you, and do you know how bad it will be for a woman if she gets use to a certain type of sex, and if the man she's having it with decides to not want to reciprocate exclusivity and decides that he wants to leave, then i'll be stuck looking for that same type of sex, and that can lead to BIG problems for me in the future" LOL... This is coming from a woman that has admitted to me that she had a casual relationship that lasted a few months, and by the way it sounded, she got VERY sexually open with him, having sex in places that only a woman who feels VERY sexually comfortable with a man will do, so i brought that up and she said "that guy wasn't you, and besides believe me i didn't open up to him neither" and I replied "oh really, so having sex in places that isn't a closed room, behind closed doors isn't opening up?" and what kills me the most is that she ONLY had sex with the guy 3 times, supposedly!!! So i decided to ask her if she REALLY liked that guy, at first she said that YES she was really into him, then as i questioned that, she started to change her stories, then she said "he was just a little fun" then she said "i really didn't care about him, he was just something to do" and EVERY TIME i've questioned her about that, she seems to change her answer to what she thinks i want to hear, she has confused me so much, and I'm PISSED because we've had ALOT more sex than just 3 times, yet she doesn't want to open up to me, and its FRUSTRATING to think that she opened up to some fling guy, but doesn't want to open up to me.. I'm starting to think that she was looking for something serious with the guy, but he perhaps declined it, sort of what she's doing with me, because she had just came off of a LTR and she's always been a relationship kind of girl jumping from one boyfriend right into another relationship, I think she just doesn't want to admit that this guy basically used her, and she's trying to downplay what she felt for him, and what they had, because by her actions with me, it just seems as if she has become a bit gun shy because of her past, and decided to give it a try at "casual" dating with me, since i was so straight forward and honest about seeing other women at the moment, so she felt safe and perhaps said "why not? At least he's honest unlike other men I've encountered, at least with this one I can try to guard my heart, because I know EXACTLY what to expect" but she fell for me, so now she's trying to manipulate the situation.... Ladies if you can PLEASE help me, try to understand her, I'm sure that perhaps this is a move that ALOT of women try to pull off on men, and if you can help me understand what she's trying to do, then I would APPRECIATE it BIG TIME, thanks....... Also this girl has had AT LEAST 5 men before me, i just DON'T get why she's acting as if she has only had 1 or 2 men before me, it's VERY frustrating....
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I wish for you the gifts of compassion and empathy. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI DUMPED her 2 hours ago!! Hahahahahahahahaha!! Thanks everyone for your answers...
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 why on earth are you questioning and cross examining her like this? you have a simple choice if you are not happy with the amount or quality of sex you are getting, leave. if you are, stay. she has told you how she feels. if you do not want a relationship with her dont have one. dont expect her to compromise and still give you sex when you are not giving her what she wants (committment). i dont suppose she set out to lure you into a 'casual' relationship and then turn it into a 'trap' for you! people can change their feelings along the way. for some reason (which to be honest is not apparent to me) she has accidentally fallen for you. people fall in love or out of love all the time! its part of being human. also why are you concenred with what she did with the ex and how she felt about him? doesnt mean shes gotta be the exact same way with you does it or have you treated all your previous women exactly the same way? you seem to be feeling contempt for this woman so maybe you should do her a favour and go your separate ways so you both can find more suitable partners
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2010):
Sounds like you already know what to do about this. So when are you telling her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell for the record Tisha-1, I'm NOT jealous, its just that she's manipulated this story soooo many times, and I REFUSE to be half-assed here, LOL... Plain and simple as I sated before, if you read one of my answers, I think she cheated, I think she was stuck between two men, and wound up with none, she played her cards wrong, so then she decided to move on, and found me, but ran her mouth waaayyyyy too much, without me asking her, so she opened up a can of worms, and made me curious, so I started asking, to see whom I was dealing with, turns out her love life has been TRAGIC, and VERY confusing, jumping from man to another, always confused.. In fact her time frames of relationships DON'T even make sense mathematically according to the years she's been having sex, which leads me to believe that she didn't only cheat on her last man, but also on the one prior... She is a confused woman...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2010):
Look, this poor woman hasn't figured out that sleeping with the guy doesn't guarantee that he's going to fall for her. She's confused and unhappy because the last guy she got freaky with didn't fall for her. So she's gun-shy now. You want her to get freaky with you, but she's just learned the very hard way that doing that just winds up making her feel used and doesn't guarantee a relationship going forward.
Honestly, the best thing for her to do is to move along from you, as you have a great deal of mistrust and anger toward her for her apparent manipulative actions and words. You'd be doing her a favor.
If she was the one writing in here, she'd probably be saying something like, "I've got myself involved with a FWB thing and he wants more sex and the last guy I was with dumped me when I wanted a more exclusive thing. The new guy's angry with me for not "opening up sexually" [I'm still not exactly clear what you mean by that but I assume you want to do things she's done in the past that are borderline uncomfortable for her and make her extremely vulnerable physically, emotionally and mentally--like anal? outdoor sex? threesomes? what?]
"It turns out he's also a jealous guy and keeps asking a bunch of questions about the last guy, who I only had sex with 3 times. I really liked the last guy and wanted to make it work, if it had, I wouldn't even be here, I'd be with him, but he dumped me and made me feel really badly about things. I've tried to get back in the dating scene and keep on seeing people and this new guy is really appealing. At first I told him the truth, that I was into the last guy, but it became apparent that he was really jealous, so I'm trying to downplay my feelings for the last guy and make this guy feel better about us as a couple.
"He's still seeing other girls and I'm really afraid my heart is going to get stomped on again. What do I do?"
My answer to her would be to stop the FWB altogether, go date guys for a while who are actually looking for a relationship and don't get sexually involved with the guy until she knows he's actually not commitment-phobic. In other words, I'd tell her that you two are a not a good match at this point.
Look, she sounds like she doesn't recognize that having sex too early is a problem if her expectations are different from the guy's. You probably will be better off ending the relationship as the sexual demands are unlikely to be met. She's told you she wants a relationship. You don't want one. Let her go find the next guy who might want one. Good luck finding a girl who is into the same things you are, just be honest as you have been. Leading people on from either side of this is just not a good idea, as you've now experienced.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 I agree with danceinthedark.
She clearly made mistakes with the last guy and shes not keen on a repeat occurrence. She's looking after herself and good on her I say.
"Exclusive" committed relationships have perks, perks which don't necessarily come with the "casual, unexclusive packaged deal". Don't like it? Get the upgrade.
I wouldn't quite call it manipulation... a shopkeeper selling an apple for 50 cents isn't manipulating you to buy it. Influencing your decision maybe if he pulls out a megaphone and starts spruking about how tasty the apples are. But at the end of the day its your choice to either take it or leave it... Pretty simple really.
Kudos on being honest and straight forward with her from the start though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNO, I actually think that she cheated, that YES she started a casual thing with that man, but that her ex came back into the picture, and she perhaps was stuck between the two, and when her and her ex failed again a month later, she went back to the other guy for a little more fun, all while trying to keep her ex on the side as a "safety net".. I have what I think is some proof, through finding things out, but OF COURSE she will NEVER admit it.. So therefore that's what brought me to this.. And she couldn't have been sooooo hurt, because she started dating me 4 months after alll that ordeal, one would think she would have taken a looooonnggggg break from men, but she didn't, she actually hopped back into the game... I think she's one of those girls that just needs a man in her life, at whatever expense, it just so happens that I'm paying for the past.. Sucks for me, but I think I'm ready to leave her alone, because I'm NOT going to get manipulated into something right after a bad situation like that, its as if I'm the man she wants to "settle" for, and I'm NOT just a man for a woman to settle with.. She has to handle her issues on her own...
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Alright, I think I can interpret what's going on in her head, but one point first.
You're probably going to get a few answers shaming you about how you feel about her. Don't worry too much about it. You are entitled to your feelings. Arguing with her the way you did was counter-productive, if my udnerstanding of the situation is correct, but the feelings are completely fine.
I'm not clear on what you want out of this relationship - are you? It seems that either you want to keep it casual, but have better sex - or, you want it to be serious, but you want her to be honest instead of manipulative. Decide now which one is most important to you. You can't work toward a goal if you aren't clear on what that goal is.
Anyway, your assessment about her feelings for the last guy are correct. Many women end up feeling very strongly for their flings, because the guys know how to push all their attraction buttons. The guy made it clear that he was only a fling, so rather than accepting that, she tried to entice him to stay with good sex - pretty much running on the "keep that high status man at all costs!" instinct. This whole business of flings is still new to her - no matter how many boyfriends a woman has had, it won't prepare her for hookups and casual sex (the reverse is also true, but more universally accepted).
She's not being honest with you because she doesn't know the truth herself. If she did know the truth, she would either be honest with you or tell a more convincing lie in order to get what she wants. As it is, she knows she enjoyed the fling, but she envisions herself as a relationship girl; she knows she's dependent on male attention (witness previous relationships), but she envisions herslef as independent and selective. Her self-image is in conflict with the evidence, and she is workign hard to rationalize it.
What her big, quoted speech means is that she does not know if she wants to have a real relationship, a fling, or nothing at all, so she is asking for all three, and without promising anything in return. That's why you're confused. Anyone would be. Worse, if you give her one of the things she's asking for, she'll be upset not to have gotten the other two.
Basically, she's confused and lost. She is acting out of her own self-interest, but without a clear idea of what that is. It's not your job to rescue her from herself. She's got to work out her issues on her own, and trying to help will most likely lead to heartache and frustration. I'd say part ways amicably.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 What exactly is your question here?
Do women lie about their sexual past. Some do yes, especially when their partner, like you, make it so bloody obvious they wish the woman they are having sex with outside of marriage to be a virgin bride.
But a part of dating is lying, or at least polish the truth to make it shine a bit better.
Do women who want a serious relationship have flings, casual sex, one night stands before? No, all women are saints who have no desires, no weaknesses and sit at home waiting for prince charming.
Do women use sex to get what they want? Yes. She is trying to trade sex for commitment. The old barter system at work, you want sex, she wants commitment. Have other guys got sex without commitment? Perhaps. Your problem seems to be, why should I buy the cow when others got the milk for free. Not a very attitude. Understandable but not nice.
But it shows how you truly think about her. Basically you want her to be a different person then she is. She is a human being, with a past and some of it she might regret, some of it she might cherish as fond memories and some of it she will hide because she knows that others will be hurt by it. That is real life in a relationship between adults with real lifes.
Only in storybooks does the virgin prince meet the virgin princess and neither have a past beyond "there once was".
I think your frustration is not so much with this woman but with some unresolved issues regarding your view of the world and how it really is. And say you dumped her, that would add yet another mark on her bedpost, another part of her past to hide for the next hypocrite who wants sex before marriage and then bitches his woman had sex before marriage.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 Sounds like she got hurt bad with him. And she really likes you, and doesn't want to make the same mistake with you.
She just wants a relationship with you, and she wants you want to be in a relationship with her too.
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