A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:hey all those who are there...im having a little issue with my partner at the moment...all my life i've been treated differently because i'm female and it really bugs me, i don't understand why all women are put under the same category like being defenseless and unable to stand up for themselves, and my partner of three months (i'm 21 and he's 22) has been an absolute angel to me but it just bugs me that when it comes to me going home in the evening he insists everyt ime to walk me home despite the fact that i'm more then capable of walking up one road for 20 mins to get home. i don't mind it when were out or up the pub its only when were at his because i can see he wants to go to bed yet still insists that he has to make sure i get home ok. i understand im not the biggest of girls, i'm only 5ft but still i've walked home alone almost every night i've gone out since i was 18. and when he's at mine and i offer to walk back with him its a strict no. i don't know if i'm just being silly or not. i've raised the point that its bugging me but we just argue. i just don't want to be treated differently because of my gender... what can i do?thanks all x Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HippyChick +, writes (23 November 2011):
 Men and women are different, that's just a fact. I can think of something good about being a woman, and that is if there is a war, we don't get conscripted, into the armed forces, these days they do let women go to war, but it is our choice we are not forced to go.
On walking you home he is showing he cares, wants you to be safe, I don't think that is something you should be getting annoyed about.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Are you seriously trying to suggest that the group most commonly raped has privilege over the group doing the raping because 3% of the time (that's the actual statistic) the law sides with the victim?And you realize that a large chunk of homeless people are women (the number varies a lot depending on where you look) and that the majority of them are sexually assaulted while homeless, often more than once, right?
...............................
A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 Who has more privilege? The one who can walk the streets without much fear of being accosted OR the one surrounded by people willing to rush to their defense if they are?
All I know is the people at the very top of society -- the Bill Gates, Hilary Clintons, and Brad Pitts of the world -- can't go anywhere without bodyguards. Homeless bums, on the other hand, can roam the streets all night without any trouble. I know who I'd rather be. Being helped doesn't mean you are weak or oppressed, no matter what certain groups may say.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 November 2011):
"all my life i've been treated differently because i'm female and it really bugs me,"This, it's called living in a patriarchy. You are part of an oppressed group as a woman. If you don't like it you can either move to another planet, or join a feminist group.But here's the thing. It's more likely that you'd be attacked by someone you know, but that doesn't make it any safer to walk in a deserted area by yourself at night. The fact of the matter is that unless something about you screams "don't mess with me" (which being a 5ft tall female does not) if some guy has a weapon and tries to overpower you, there's not much you can do. And then you'd probably get blamed for being out alone at night, because again, patriarchy. Victim-blaming.You SHOULD have the right to walk anywhere at any time dressed however you like. But this is why there used to be "take back the night" marches, because as is right now, not only is it not the safest thing in the world, but you'd probably get blamed for it if it did happen.It's not a matter of what SHOULD be true, it's a matter of what is true. He's probably been raised as someone who should protect the women in his life, which while I get it's a gender role thing, this is not the place to be taking a stand. Gender roles about cooking and cleaning, child raising, jobs, who can or can't be assaulted, yes, fight that. But when you have someone caring about you who wants to walk you home to make sure something horrible doesn't happen, fight that gender role by fighting the fact that women are assaulted in general. Not the fact that your boyfriend wants to prevent assault from happening.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 November 2011):
 P.S. Are you saying that he doesn't walk his boyfriends home???????
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 November 2011):
If you polled, you'd likely find that almost 100% of the women on this site would be ecstatic to find a B/F who cared enough about them to assure that they got home safely.Count your blessings....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): I find this a really interesting issue and I find the responses to it very interesting as well.There are lots of things going on here.For one thing, the idea that any woman should be able to freely choose whether she wants to walk home alone at night is, at heart, both a political and a gender political issue that goes way beyond the scope of your own relationship. It might help you to realise that this is an issue for every woman, and not just centred around your boyfriend's preferences.I personally LOVE walking in the dark, it is one of my favourite things because it can feel very sensual and liberating. However, having been mugged and despite always being careful, I am aware that society is currently very far from allowing for this "ideal". This is frustrating because it should not have to feel like it is an "ideal" at all - it should just be a given right for a woman to be able to choose this without fearing the consequences. This is why movements exist such as "reclaim the night" in which women walk together to protest at not feeling safe to walk at night.Another things is, however, that any man should also be able to offer to walk his girlfriend home without fear of retribution/being punished for asking. You could say that it is just as natural for him to want to protect his mate as it is for her to want to feel free sometimes. If you are pro-gender equality, then you have to take this into consideration just as much as you seem to consider that it is actually inconveniencing him to walk you back from his own home.Ironically, if everyone felt the way that your boyfriend clearly does - ie. that women must be respected and protected - there would be no need for him to walk you home because men in general would not harm you or other women. So essentially your boyfriend's attitude is a positive one.What seems important here - but kind of undervalued - is that your boyfriend is at least giving you more of a choice by offering to walk you home than if he were not offering this. Even though it may be difficult (and to some might seem crazy) for you to decline his offer for your own reasons, you still have the option to do so. This would not be the case if he never (as my ex did even after I got mugged) offered to walk you home - in a situation like that, you would not have the choice between declining his offer or not, you would just have to go home alone. Having since been with a man who without question or asking just walked me to my nearest point of safety - train station etc and made sure I got off okay, I know also how it can feel that you are "inconveniencing" someone. But this is still giving you the choice to decline or at least compromise.What I am suggesting is don't undervalue the fact that your boyfriend is putting you in a position where you can at least choose, however much it might seem difficult to carry out your own preferences. It seems like, for you, exercising your own choices is really important at this time in your life, but don't overlook the fact that he is not actually giving you less choice but more and/or that your own preferences might change with time. As a compromise, you could talk to him about it and let him walk you home sometimes but not at others - roughly a 50/50 ratio and see how you both feel. But really, as I said before, the problem is a bigger one to do with how society fails to ensure women's safety at night time and how other men simply don't have anything like the respect that your boyfriend does - if you feel strongly enough about it, then get active in those areas and you may enjoy feeling that you are helping other women who don't have such a kind boyfriend as you!
...............................
A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (19 November 2011):
If you make a huge deal out of it and really put your foot down, he should respect that and stop accompanying you. But that probably would be a mistake on your part. He's not trying to make you feel weak and helpless, he's trying to keep you safe. What's wrong with that? There are other guys who would rather go to sleep and not care if their gf got home safely. Would you prefer one of them?
If you were built like the wrestler Chyna and had her fighting skills, everyone would let you walk alone. It's not just a gender thing. Take a cab home if it still bothers you that much, then you'll both be satisfied.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 gender has nothing to do with it. It's all about self confidence which it sounds like you're a little short on. Might I suggest you take some cources like the Dal Carnegie Course?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 November 2011):
 OMG are you looking for things to fight with him about?
you are probably very capable of taking care of yourself but in the dark at 5 feet tall a strong wind can blow you off balance what do you think someone who WANTS you down can do?
what about a loose dog... I've seen people mauled by their own pets who turned on them..
I would SO love that a man cared enough about me to walk me home and make sure I was safe...
this is a VERY good thing.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): I don't think this is all a gender issue. I think perhaps that you don't like being a 5 feet tall woman and the reaction that you get from other people. You don't like being treated like a child when you're 21 years old. You don't like being treated like you're weak or vulnerable because internally you don't feel that way. You feel adult and competent and you resent other people treating you otherwise just because of your appearance.
I get that....but please don't take out this frustration on your boyfriend. It seems that he is genuinely doing this because he cares for your safety. And generally, I would agree with him it's always safer for a woman to walk with someone else if she's coming home at night.
I could talk till I'm blue in the face, but you won't appreciate this until something bad does happen to you....and believe it me it can and when it does, it's very frightening. No matter what you think of yourself, there are people who will treat you based on your appearance. It's not fair or equal, but it is the way the world is built. It is smarter to expect and prepare for the worse than to rail against gender inequality.
People who would harass you or attack you are not going to stop and perform a questionnaire to discern how truly vulnerable or competent you are before they follow you home, corner you, or mug you.
Perhaps he enjoys feeling like a protector and you don't like that he gets this feeling at your expense. I would say give him this privilege because at the heart of it, he genuinely cares for you and to a certain degree he's right, it's safer to walk in a twos at night.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 November 2011):
 Dump the guy and go out with someone who has different morals and manners. He wants to make you safe, he would feel angry with himself if he let you walk alone. His family would probably be upset as well. It's the way he's been brought up, he's got old fashioned manners. It would make him sick and feel less of a man if he didn't walk with you.
Of course, you have a right to walk the earth alone. Don't argue with him, that is pointless, it will only ruin your relationship. Find a guy who has no problem staying in bed whilst you walk in the dark for 20minutes alone. Them guys will give you what you want, but I often find then don't respect women very much.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 I think feminism has got nothing to do with safety and prudence. We may make all the socio/ anthropological debates you want, at the end of the day there are still around many more men attacking a woman alone, for mugging or raping her, than viceversa. That you might be physically overpowered by some ill-intentioned stranger is a VERY distinct possibility in some areas and times , and if you meet one who wants your purse , or worse, your 5' frame and the strength of your independent mind won't be able to stop him. The presence of a male companion ( or simply,if you wish, of another person : there's safety in numbers ) acts as a deterrent, even if your bf is not Hulk Hogan. Simply, his presence makes you a less convenient and appetible target.
The fact that so far you haven't had any trouble does not mean that it could NOT ever happen, and if your bf kindly wants to see you home safe, at the price of a very little inconvenience for him, and minimize the odds of some unpleasant encounter for you , it does not mean he is controlling or machoist, it means he has normal common sense .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): I think you should thank your lucky stars you have a boyfriend who is so considerate.
Walking a girl home is a safety thing nowadays, its a sign of our times sadly.
I know you probably like to be independant strong etc, but there are times when its good to be treated like the well, vulnerable one.
I have a daughter and she lives in the city so knowing shes home safe is a relief and anyone who gets her home safe is a star in my book
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 You should look at this as a positive not a negative. He cares about you and he just does not want to see anything happening to you, you hear stories all the time about young girls out walking alone at night, and he just does not want to see anything bad happening to you, it does not mean that he sees you as weak or unable to look after yourself he just cares about you, try and look at it as a good thing, that he wants to look after you. Try and lay of him a little bit he is just trying to be a gentleman.
...............................
|
