A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:argh help! i dont know what i'm doing! i broke up with my girlfriend about 3 weeks ago after a 2 year long relationship, the breakup wasn't brilliantly handled on my part in the sense that i'd never broken up with someone before and I broke up with her but was so overwhelmed at the process that I couldn't gather my thoughts and didnt really get to the bottom of what I meant.Anyway I was advised to not speak to her for 2 weeks so this is what I tried, but then she texts me after a week asking for closure, but being the indecisive bastard I am, I guess I kind of messed her around and didn't give her a straight answer, I feel awful about this but I still retain it wasn't out of spite.On a plus note we talked it out and finally got to the bottom of why I couldn't be with her (wasn't ready for the commitment), and I went round to her house after about 2 weeks and we hugged and chatted and agreed we still loved each other and we left it there.Then a couple of days ago after 3 weeks of hardly sleeping and listening to peoples advice who were clearly fans of her (and why not she is lovely), I guess I kind of convinced myself I was making a mistake and asked to get back with her, telling myself that I couldn't live with myself if I didnt even try and commit at least a bit. She agreed to take me back but I was on probabtion so to speak and if I messed this up by not spending as much time with her as I said she would leave me.This was all great but once again I am thwarted by the nagging feeling that this is not what I want and that I only wanted her back because I was upset.I just want to clarify that I think she is great and we get on like a house on fire, but I am still young and I'm not sure if she is "the one." Also when I say spend lots of time together I mean more than I was (one or two nights a week).I don't know what to do with myself, I cant put her through anymore pain by changing my mind again, and even if I did, whats stopping me from rechanging my mind afterwards, I dont know what I want and I dont know what to do, I feel like an utter asshole and I know I am immature emotionally (which was kind of the reason we split up) but I could grow up I suppose. I've never been this indecisive about anything, I just don't know what my heart wants. I know that I should get out if I am unsure, but I guess I am a coward in that respect and even if I did realise this, the pain that I would cause her has now become insumountable. Help!Liam
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): i think you should stay. why did you want her in the first
place? y do you want her gone? this is not ALL ABOUT YOU she is in it to. you need to shake thing up a bit go some where and get away. she may be scared to fall in love with you show her that she shouldn't, and i belive that there is only one percon for every one maybe she is the one may be not she might be your guideing star that show you the way, but when the day comes she is gone, and you see your one. dont be scared to tell her how you feel. she will understand, so if you choose to break up or not then get away from every thing, and everyone make it be only you and her that matters right now, and let her no that if you do break up, then you can still be her best friend
by kate heart
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): The truth is that you know what you want but you keep listening to some wrong voices telling you that your girl was awesome and so on. This is not about your girl; it is about you because you come first. I understand that you may have guilts of causing pain to someone else but read what some anonymous girl wrote: she will get over it very quickly and will have another amazing boyfriend and will be glad that you broke up with her. So don’t feel guilt, follow your intuition and listen to your conscious mind and dump her.
Do you think that if she was in the same situation, she will hesitate to dump you? No man, you are acting like a dormant, you think that you can influence someone else feelings… who you think you are? God ? Do what you got to do and let her choose to feel hurt or not, you cannot control how she feels.
They are a lot of amazing women out there, there is no need to think that only one woman is the one or not, many women can fit the bill. We are human; we love a lot of people through our lifetime, for now I think that the time that God give you to love your girl is up. There is nothing wrong to give someone a gift of goodbye, by staying with her you are being not genuine for your own good and perhaps making her misery longer and more painful.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (25 June 2008):
 You have to decide if this relationship is going anywhere.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?
Do you see yourself getting married, having a family and growing old with this girl?
Do you love her so much it hurts?
Do you want to be tied down to this one girl at this stage of your life or feel you have new things to do and try, possibly without her?
If you are unsure then suggest a break to see if you still feel the same in a few months time. You may find you miss her so much and realise she is the one. You may realise you dont need her in your life at all and dont miss her.
Listen to your heart and not your head, dont do what you think is right do what you feel. Yes if you split up again she will get hurt but it will pass and its easier if its now and not 5 years and 2 kids down the line. I wish you luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): I had a boyfriend like you, and I can only advise you from a girls perspective/hindsight. He broke up with me because he "didn't know what he wanted" and I was very upset, so my dad (who's been around for 50+ years and has had a very successful marriage for 30 years) gave me the best advice possible. Unfortunately, I'm not a guy so it doesn't do me that much good. He said that as a guy, you will always be second guessing yourself (now, 10 years down the line.. 20), your decisions, your gf/wife.. could I have gotten a hotter gf? a hotter wife? etc? So you kind of either have to accept that you're immature and stay out of serious relationship, or decide that its time for you to become the master of your own emotions, be a man (I know that sounds harsh, but thats how he said it)and have to evaluate your risks, make a decision, evaluate your risks, and STICK to it despite the second guessing. Because you say that she is wonderful, but you're not sure because you think that you're going to meet someone better right?... but did you consider what will happen if you don't find someone better?I can also tell you that I was an AMAZING gf to my bf, and he admits this even now..but he still insisted on breaking up with me b/c he was "confused". He thought that the grass would be greener for him on the other side, but unless your some kind of an amazing guy, usually, the grass is greener for girls. Because in like a month I had an awesome new bf, going out, having fun and being glad that he actually broke up with me, while he's still sitting at home, mopping about not knowing what he wants and so on. So its really only in your heart whether you want to be with her not, but this is something to consider whether you will be able to find someone MORE wonderful then her.. if not, you'll kind of regret for a very long time..
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 This is a similar situation than what I'm in right now. Was with this girl who was like you in a way (committed part). She broke up with me for a month and then came back saying she still had feelings for me. The coaster started again...
After 6 months, we had a serious discussion on our relationship and agreed to a break up so to speak. We both loved each other, but we were both our first ones too and we wanted to know if we were really "the ones" for each other and we believe that the only way to really know this would be to go our separates ways and test fate to see if we're going to end up with each other again.
It's been 3 months now with no contacts, it was a bit hard for me at first (don't know about her) but now I think I'm ok with it.
Life is about experience, through experience you learn and when you learn; you grow.
The only way you'll know if she's the one for you is by seeing other people. But you might loose her for good by doing so ... at least you'll know.
Crazy world huh?
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Well... it is really difficult to tell the future or what you will or will not want then and there. The only thing you can actually figure out is the present. You need to take some time to yourself and sit down. You could write the plus and the downs of the relationship, of your partner, and of yourself as a couple in these times. Try to be objective and pinpoint everything/anything you don't like and everything/anything you do like about the relationship. Consider what you want out of life, your goals and dreams and how that would/would not change if you were to settle down with your GF and maybe start a family. This should give you a clearer view on what is going on in your head! LOL.
Ending a relationship is very difficult for most people, even more so if you still "love" her. You have shared a lot of good experiences and times together and that is not easily forgettable. However, I am the eternal romantic maybe, but I believe that if you are in love with someone then sharing your life with that person will not feel like a burden or that your stopping yourself from doing other things because that commitment IS what you want out of life. If you can't see her right beside you when you are planning out your future, or how she compliments you and you her by that time, it might be time to say goodbye.
It is hard, you will be sad at times... but you need to stick to whatever decision you make. If ultimately you discover it is not easy finding a good partner, or that no one else can fit in her shoes, then that is something you will need to work with. Learning is part of life and being afraid to do something wrong should not stop you from taking a decision. Best of lucks!
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A
male
reader, Al 2008 +, writes (25 June 2008):
Hello,After reading what you have said i get the impression that you are confused and maybe are reading alot into things which i did too. Relax and be yourself. My advice would be to be honest with her, if you cant commit then dont kid either of you that you can. You have to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend, your girlfriend should respect you for that. A way to sort out your confusion is to take some time out and thoroughly think through the relationship, on a clear head. On the other hand maybe spend more time with her, tkae her away for a few days or whatever, give her a chance by spending time with her, you never know it could make you realise that you enjoy it. Ask yourself the questions why do you want to be with her? make sure its for the right reasons, that you like her for who she is and you enjoy spending time with her. You shouldnt think to yourself is she the one? because what will be will be, and the answer to "is she the one" would make no difference to how you feel about her now. Im sure every relationship requires effort, committment and friendship, maybe look at it from the view that what if she came to you and told you how she felt (if she was in your shoes). You need to find yourself, if you dont know what you want then you cant tell her that you cant committ because you dont know. Dont be indecisive think possitively and be truthful to yourself.
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A
female
reader, superbunny +, writes (25 June 2008):
 If you're not 100% certain that you shouldn't be with her then you shouldn't be. You need to step up and act like a man, tell her you're still so fond of her, but step away or you will end up hurting her more.
I was in a similar situation with an ex of mine. He was like the perfect guy, but I wasn't sure if I was 100% into the relationship but then things gradually fall apart + I eventually ended up cheating when I was very very drunk on holiday. It was have saved so much heartache + sadness if I've just acted mature straight away + admitted things weren't going great. I never thought I would cheat, but alcohol + confused emotions never do mix well together!
You are very young still, and maybe you need to grow a bit before tying yourself down?
I hope this helps some how. x
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A
male
reader, wildman  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I think you are putting too much emphasis on your needs. Why not forget about yourself for a while and concentrate on being the best you can for her. Find out what she wants and do it. It won't kill you and who knows she might turn out to be your match forever. good luck
P.S. relax a little, its not the end of the world, could be what is meant for you, give it your best shot for 6 months
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