A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. Three of those months were spent doing long distance. I'm a freshman in university and he's a senior in high school. At first, we were okay, we were making it work. But recently we've been fighting a lot. Small fights turned into big fights, but we would always make up a couple of hours later. We wouldn't let the day end fighting. Except today. Today, I asked him that if it bothered him that we weren't from the same religion (I'm Catholic, he's not) and if he saw a future with me. He said religion didn't bother him and that he could see us staying together for two years, but that he had a lot of difficulty imagining us together for longer. After hearing that I got dispirited, so I asked if we were better off ending things now. What's the point of doing long distance?He got mad that I suggested that. And he said some pretty mean things. What struck me the most was when said that just because I had friends who are getting pretty serious, engaged, and planning a life together, the same thing wouldn't happen to me. He said I should wake the f*ck up and be grateful. Hearing him say that, I cried even more and I said sorry and that I was grateful. I've always been grateful I had him. Fast forward to a few hours later. He said sorry. And I'm asking for some time away. I want to cool off, I wanted time for myself. I wanted to see if this was what I wanted. He kept asking why I needed that since he already said sorry and explained himself, saying that he was just mad and that I had misunderstood things. I forgive him for what he said, but I don't feel the love anymore. I told him that I felt empty and then he said he was having a bad day. A friend of his had died and quitting smoking was making him crazy. He said that he wanted to die and that he was a waste of time. I told him that he was important and that he deserved to live, but even while saying that it felt like I was doing it more out of obligation than love. I feel like I want to break up, but then a few minutes later I want to go crawling back to him. But I'm just sick and tired of us fighting, and when we fight, after he says he's sorry, he'll point say it's my fault for misunderstanding and that I shouldn't be mad/hurt because I'm the one who misunderstood. Then he throws everything he's done for me to my face and says I should be thankful. I gave up my only guy friend (whom I've been friends with for five years) and I lied to my best friends for his sake. I told them he and I weren't together because he said it was for the best. But when I try to bring that up, he said that I knew why we had to do that and that I shouldn't be mad because I agreed to do that. And the thing that catalysed our fights was when I found out my guy friend wanted to talk to me because his sister has cancer. I told my boyfriend about it, hoping he would understand, but instead he dismisses my friend's sister. Says it's a ploy to get me. And when I told him about losing two of my friends to a disaster, he asks for proof --- he immediately thought I was lying.I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me wants to break up with him, the other part wants me to stay. But I'm sick and tired of how when we fight, he'll throw everything to my face. He said that I just kept thinking of the bad things because I was mad, but even when I feel calm, I can't remember the good things anymore. I see all the horrible things more clearly.I don't even know what I'm asking for anymore. Maybe I just want a willing ear to listen. Maybe advice.
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best friend, engaged, long distance, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 December 2013):
 Have you managed to end the relationship? Or are you still stuck?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 December 2013):
 You are LDR...
call him say "it's over and we are done don't bother trying to say anything it won't change my mind and you can't bully me into staying. It is NOT open for discussion"
READ THAT to him. THEN HANG UP
delete his number
block him on the phone, on email and social media.
DO NOT engage with him.
you are LDR there is no way he can FORCE you to stay with him. STOP being afraid of being alone and just DO IT.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2013):
 You " tried " ? ... When you get out of home in the morning, you don't " try " to open the door, you put your hand on the handleand push,voila, done. You just have to do it, not to try. Same as you don't need to try leaving someone - you make up your mind and leave them !
What you " tried " was finding a nice way of leaving him, or a reason that he would accept, or a point of view that he might share.... Newsflash : you don't need to give a flying f..k about any of this, it's not about him, ehat he " accepts ", wants, likes and prefers - it 's about you and getting out of an abusive relationship, you do it for YOUR own good, not his- who cares if the process is uncomfortable for him !
Don't find excuses now, - what does it mean that " he won't accept it "? he will have to, once you tell him your decision, and cut any contact with him, stop answering his messages, in fact, if needs be , block hom on email and social networks and change your phone no !
He can't send a horse mounted military corp to your door to retrieve you and bring you back to him, can he... ? No ? Then the power is in your hands , - use it !
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 December 2013):
I tried breaking up with him but he just wouldn't accept it.
--Sorry but the relationship is over.
I tried being mean about it, saying that I had no feelings for him anymore, that I didn't love him.
--The relationship is over.
I tried telling him I just wanted to be alone and focus on uni. But no dice.
--The relationship is over.
He kept saying that I just felt this way because I was mad that we fought. He said that he was sure I was letting anger cloud my judgement. He kept insisting I should think this through and to "take a break".
--I don't need a break, the relationship is over.
---Sorry but the relationship is over.
When I told him that we can't stay together because I have no feelings for him at all, he wouldn't accept it. He said that that was a crappy, no good reason.
--It may be a crappy no good reason but that doesn't change the fact that the relationship is over.
So, exhausted beyond relief, I retracted my statements. I know that was wrong and cowardly of me, but I did't know what else to do.
--I unretract my statements. The relationship is over.
He wouldn't see my side of the story. He kept saying that he would never give up on me.
--The relationship is over. Anything else is a manipulative bullshit abusers crapola.
Now we're "back together" again. He thinks everything is okay now but its not. I don't love, I was just afraid of being alone, I can see that clearly. But I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and helpless.
--"Dear John, I know it is difficult for you to accept this. The relationship is over. I am not your girlfriend. We are now broken up. I have notified your family so they know my position. I have also notified my family and friends so they know that the relationship is over. I am sorry that I have to be this specific and graphic about it but you seem to be having some trouble taking this on board. I will say it again. We are no longer a couple. The relationship is over."
----
If you fear for your safety then take steps to protect yourself. You are not trapped or helpless unless you decide to do nothing.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 December 2013):
Call him, tell him it's over and there's no discussion.
The end. It's over. Bye bye.
Get your friends and family to support you.
If you can't end the relationship then you are in an abusive relationship and need outside help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): Hi, guys, it me. OP. I tried breaking up with him but he just wouldn't accept it. I tried being mean about it, saying that I had no feelings for him anymore, that I didn't love him. I tried telling him I just wanted to be alone and focus on uni. But no dice. He kept saying that I just felt this way because I was mad that we fought. He said that he was sure I was letting anger cloud my judgement. He kept insisting I should think this through and to "take a break".When I told him that we can't stay together because I have no feelings for him at all, he wouldn't accept it. He said that that was a crappy, no good reason.So, exhausted beyond relief, I retracted my statements. I know that was wrong and cowardly of me, but I did't know what else to do. He wouldn't see my side of the story. He kept saying that he would never give up on me. Now we're "back together" again. He thinks everything is okay now but its not. I don't love, I was just afraid of being alone, I can see that clearly. But I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and helpless.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2013):
To recap: together for six months HALF of which has been LDR…
You are older than he is by one year approximately based on the fact that you are in college and he’s in high school still… ( NORMALLY not a big deal)
YOU are FIGHTING a lot…. (your words) BIG DEAL!
You are from two different religions (not a big deal for some)
You asked him if he saw a future with you and he said “two years” that alone makes NO sense to me… why would he say you have two years together if you are LDR now and will be for at least 4 years with college… why bother to stay together? You should have NOT ASKED him if he wanted to end things, you should have just ENDED THEM then and there.
HE got mad that you WISELY suggested ending it now… why? He’s the one who’s put an end date on it already.
The he said MEAN THINGS to you… so I am assuming they were abusive in nature?
He thinks you should be GRATEFUL… for WHAT? And you cried and you are grateful? For what for an abusive, immature, manipulative creep of a boyfriend?
YOU want to break up which is wise… the crawling back and begging him is out of fear of being alone but your alone already with this guy as your partner.
You fight all the time and then he BLAMES YOU and does not own his behavior?
YOU gave up friends for him? WHY? Because he thinks you should not have guy friends? YOU’VE LIED because of this boy?
You boyfriend is a boy. He’s immature, he’s insecure and he’s not behaving as an adult. ADULTS are responsible for their choices and behavior. HE is not being an adult.
I’d kick him to the curb.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 December 2013):
 Why would anyone make the comment to their girlfriend that they only see themselves dating for two years? You're right - what's the point in staying when there's an apparent expiration date? That's a really bad thing to to say to your boyfriend/girlfriend. And then to get shocked when you get offended? Please. of course you got offended. Who wouldn't?
He also tells you who you can and can't be friends with? I wouldn't put up with that for a second. It's sad your poor friend can't even talk to you when his sister is diagnosed with cancer. He's got to be going through an incredibly hard time. He needs you. That's pathetic of your boyfriend.
I Know it takes two to fight but your relationship just doesn't seem happy. And more important - YOU don't seem happy. You're a freshman in college! You have the whole world at your finger tips and so much to experience! Don't let it pass you by staying in a miserable and unhealthy relationship.
If I were you, I'd definitely consider ending it, as you both don't seem too terribly compatible. Enjoy your college experience!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 December 2013):
Honey,this is not working and you know it, I guess.
Six months should be the height of honeymoon and mutual enthrallment, and you have already spend half of these months bickering and arguing. It means that between you there's infatuation but no compatibility . Plus, LDRS are difficult for everybody , including people with maturity, the money , time, and possibility to get together often ( say every weekend ) and a definite plan for being together in a couple of years. Imagine in your situation, it's just doomed- and you are right, what's the point of doing long distance for you , when you have years of being apart... and will not even know if you'll end up together. ( Although your bf has been honest in that, he gave you the only honest answer that a kid still in school can give you, i.e. that they can't make set plans for their personal life for long term, - and if they do , they are either telling you lies , or ..daydreaming. )
All that, even if your bf were a nice caring loving type- but he is even, pardon me, a presumptuous bratty prick !
OP, wake up ! Whaaaat ? ... You should be thankful to have him.... ? OP, not in the way he means it ! He means it like " you should be thankful you got me because if it weren't for generous me no other male would be attracted to you or would settle for you ! " This is a very mean put down, and a manipulative way to keep you under his thumb. I suspect that he is insecure and in fact knows that you can do much better than him, if only you open your eyes, reason for which he is tryng to undermine your confidence .
Don't let him do this to you, don't be afraid, and move on. If you don't feel the love it is because this is not love this is just a young immature selfish "all about me " brat who wants to have things go his way.
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