A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm basically wondering what's the best way to end a long term relationship when you don't want to give the real reason?Bit of background... I'm 18 and so is my boyfriend. We've been together for 5 years and we have a daughter who's 2. We're both just finishing college now and will hopefully be going to uni in Sept. My bf has looked at the financial side of things and reckons we can afford to rent a flat come Sept and I really don't want that. I've been thinking about the future and I really can't see myself living with my daughter as she grows up and I feel horrible. My bf loves her more than anything and I know that's how I should feel too but I don't. she's a really sweet kid but I feel like I'm a babysitter or something. She's just a kid I take care of. I don't feel a bond. I'm not her Mom. My Mom ditched on us a year and a half ago so I really don't have anybdoy to talk to. I don't really want to hear how selfish and heartless I'm being anyway but I'm going to split up with himIf I end up in a 'family' situation with them I know it's going to end really messy. I can't tell him I don't want to make a long term commitment to her because that just sounds stupid when I made that committment by having her but that's the only reason I've got for us splitting up. I'll still look after her if that's what he wants but I just can't be a 'family' with them when I don't think I even love her
View related questions:
split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): You might have undiagnosed post natal depression. Or even just plain depression which is just as debilitating. Go to a doctor and tell them your story just to check if this is the reason you can't bond with your daughter. If it ends up that you don't have this then you should go to a counsellor 2nd, to talk about it as well. They won't judge you they have heard WAY worse trust me! They are only there to give you advice that is best for YOU not for your bf or your daughter (though the advice might help all of you). So...my mum was a bitch. She hated me. She loved my brother. She told me when she was pregnant with me she visualised herself in a coffin. Thanks mum! What I'm saying is...I wish she had never been in my life to damage me to the extent that she has. If my dad had been the only person that raised me...at least he loved me! Sometimes a child is better off without a toxic parent, right? Just make sure you do what's right and live up to your financial responsibilities. And don't run away and disappear as that will screw her up too. Splitting up is obviously right for you and him - but maybe there are alternatives with your daughter. Check all the medical stuff out before you decide.
A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (8 May 2009):
 I feel terribly sad reading your story, but i know that whatever you decide to do, you'll do it for what you believe to be the right reasons for now.
My mum left us when i was 5, she was never very maternal. She gave my elder sister to my nan for a few weeks to look after her then didnt bother getting her back. Why she went on to have 2 more kids is beyond me, but she did, and my sister and i grew up with my dad - he was loving and caring and brought us up well - there was a huge void where a mother was not really there, but we saw her occassionally and my father did the very best he could for us.
Mum thought she was doing the right thing all around, and perhaps she was, i dont hold a grudge about it, never did, because i was ok. My life missed out on time with my elder sister and my mums side of the family though, i missed out on really getting to know my cousins and everything on that side, which was a real shame as i feel i had a lot there i could have really benefitted from as a child and in my teens.
As it would go, i had to go live with my mum when i was 15, she took me and my younger sister in without hesitation, she was really there for us when we needed her and thats what really counted. she was never there for us growing up, but she has saved my skin a few times in the last few years and i really can't thank her enough for it.
She had said that she regrets in some ways leaving us so young with our father, but she really thought she was doing the right thing at the time. She never severed contact with us though and we all (including my elder sister) are very close now and we're doing ok.
Now, not only do i know what your daughter might face if she grows up without a mum, but i can identify with some of what you must be feeling - i met my partner at 14, was pregnant at 16, had my son 2 weeks before my 17th birthday, had a house, a kid, a partner, engagement all before i was 18 years old. I had no college or uni or trips abroad or anything a person of that age should have been doing, i had lived my life in 4 years on fast forward.
I suffered with post natal depression, i didnt know it until id come through it though, and although i love him to death, it took a hell of a lot of time to grow to love him properly. Not everyone is affected in the same way with epression so even if your family has a history of it, you may still have it and not know - you may just not have maternal instincts, just like my mum never did either, and this is nothing to be ashamed of, it is "one of those things" - however, i do think that you have a responsibility to your child, in so much as that even if you break of the relationship with the father, you have a duty and a responsibility to be in that childs life, for her and for you, you bought her into the world, you made the decision to have her and you need to remember that you are an important person in that little ones life - and at 2 years old thats a very difficult age for you to leave them behind.
Suffice to say, you will have a big decision ahead of you to make but i feel that you really should talk to a professional first, discuss how you feel and see if you can get some councelling or try to work things out - talk to your partner, maybe he'll be more understanding than you realise, keeping things a big as this bottled up will only make things worse.
In a few years time you may look back and realise just how much wonderful stuff you have on your plate righ now, even if right now it seems like a mountain of stress or needless baggage, you've got something many people would die for in a relationship, child and home , its just a shame its so early on in your life, as you will inevitably feel the need to push against it.
Dont feel like it is the end of everything though, you can still be a mum o your child and work at it alongside having a life - i went to college at 18, then university, while raising my son on my own, after i realised i just didnt want to be with his father, i was too young, we werent right for one another and we were only stringing it along for the baby.
My son is 12 now and not a day goes by where he doesnt make me smile and how he makes me glad i chose to be his mum when i did, all be it so early on in my life. It really hasnt held me back and i am now 29 years old, happilly married for 2, nearly 3, years, a son and a step son in tow and lots of wishes that id had all this so much sooner, its amazing!
Please dont cut all ties with your child, if you really have to leave. You should leave the doors wide open for her sake and for yours.
Whatevr you decide, i hope you are happy. You can only do what you feel is best and live by your own convictions.
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, louise100 +, writes (6 May 2009):
You have got an awful lot on your plate for someone so young. No wonder you feel like this.I would go and see your doctor and explain the situation to them, they will be able to point you in the right direction. You may be right to get out of your daughters life BUT you may really regret it one day and I know for sure that she will miss you.So go to your doctor or health visitor and explain the situation and get some advice. You are too young for all of this and need some support while you decide what to do. Dont make a rash decision you may regret later, but if you do split up at least then you will know that you did the right thing.If you do decide to go, keep in touch with your daughter so that she does not grow up feeling rejected by her Mother - you know how horrible that is.Think this over carfully and get some good adviceGood luckx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Thanks for the advice :)I agree that getting into serious relationships so young is a bad idea and in hindsight, if I could do everything again I'd do it all very differently. I don't think I'm depressed. There's a history of depression in my family and my sister had post natal depression so I know a bit about it. I know that makes me more likely to have depression but I'm sure I don't. I can't talk to my bf about it because I never told him how unhappy I was about being pregnant in the first place and I don't want him to feel like I've been lying and keeping secrets for the past couple of years even though I have. To be honest I just know she'd be a lot better off without me in her life and then my bf wouldnt want me either. But my niece spent a lot of time living with my Dad and with her Godfather so I've seen firsthand that having parents around sometimes isn't the best thing for the kid.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Hello,Personally I think you are suffering from post-natal depression, hence why you feel as though you don't love your daughter. while people can moan at your for having your child, it's easy for them to say as they are not in the same situation as you are. I would imagine you've had it since she was born, and therefore you have never bonded as you should, and recent developments have only made it worse. My advice to you is that you should go and see your doctor and ask for counselling. You may have to wait a while, but counselling is a good option. There's nothing to be ashamed about here, many people suffer from post-natal depression for years and don't even realise it, a friend of mine has only recently started bonding with her son, and he's almost 5 now.you really are not alone in how you feel at all.In the meantime, try talking to your boyfriend about how you feel, that you are not ready to be a family family just yet, and still want your space. Try explaining how you are feeling about your daughter too. If he's the right one he'll understand, particularly because if the recent developments in your life, it's an awful lot to take in at once.But please go and see your doctor as a priority, explain how you are feeling, and they'll put you in touch with a counsellor who can help you.Oh, and another good cure for depression of any sort is to do some sort of excercise regularly, I know it sounds pants, but ti really does work to lift the mood!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (6 May 2009):
I think you need to talk to him.
But to be honest I think you may also need help for depression. You have so much going on in your life and I refuse to believe that the feelings you have about your mum leaving have nothing to do with the way you feel about your daughter.
Tell him how you feel about moving in and how scary it is that you are just going to be another mum in the world.
I can tell you need more in your life than that. Take some time to think about what you want in life. What are your goals?
I am sure he would make a really good single dad and that may be what is best for your kid.
Why not take him to a relationship counselling service like Relate, and get all this out in the open then talk through your options.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): first off i really dont understand how you cant love your own daughter. to me it sounds a little harsh. you cant say you never planned on having her because you should have thought about it before you decided to have sex with your boyfriend because theres always the possibility of getting pregnant.
i suggest that you seriously give it some time and get to love her. im sorry about your mom ditching you but that should teach you to be a better mom. you know how it feels to have a bad mother figure so then you should try to do the opposite. you are obviously very young to be worrying about these types of problems that you shouldnt be worrying about but the truth is that they are there and you cant ignore it. i suggest that you do the smart thing and give this all some time. you dont want to be doing anything else that you will soon be regretting. always be prepared to take responsibility for your actions.
xoxoxo
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): So you were with the same guy since you were 13, and had a baby at 16, is that right? And now you are on your own and moving rapidly into a domestic set up with a 2 year old and a long time boyfriend and you are only 18. Of course you don't want to. At 18, I was just finished school and getting ready to go to college, hadn't had my first real relationship yet and didn't even give kids a thought.Your identity has been swallowed up because of how young you did all these things. And now you are resisting this change as a defense mechanism. I really feel for you, because the cold hard truth is that at this late stage, you can end the relationship with your boyfriend, but you are responsible for this little girl for a very long while. I'm not giving you a lecture about it, but there are no two ways about it: love your daughter or not, you have to do EVERYTHING you can to make sure she grows up in the best way you know how. You have no choice. If you don't feel like you love her, fake it. She needs you now, and you are the only adult she has in her life to be her mother, and she owes her existence to you. You have to find it somewhere inside you to love her.But at the same time who can blame you for being overwhelmed at your age? This is why I always get my hackles up when people say that teen pregnancy is ok, that getting involved in a long term relationship very young is ok. This is what can happen. At your age, you should feel like you have your whole life ahead of you. Instead you feel trapped in boring roles that don't inspire you. You feel in a dead end. Unfortunately at this point you are going to have to grow up and start being as much of an adult as you can. If you seriously doubt your ability to love your daughter, consider getting help. The more people she has in her life that care for her, the better. Maybe take some time out for you. Dont be afraid of asking for the burden to be lifted off you occassinally. If it's possible, get some counseling. Dont move into a new condo with your bf if you feel uncomfortable with it.Im sorry you are going through this, and it sucks that your mom is not around to help you through it. Try to be a better mom to your child than she was to you. It'll be hard, but you would awesome for doing it. In time, you will mature and by the time you are 20, you'll be as tough as nails and with plenty of life experience. I really wish you good luck sweetie!
...............................
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (6 May 2009):
 You should follow your heart then.
Remember that girl who got killed cos her grandma shoved her onto her mom when he mom didn't want her? I forget her name, and not saying you are capable of murder, but people didn't take her seriously when she didn't want this girl. And then the girl was missing and then her remains were found.
If you don't want to be a family with her, tell your bf. Children are very perceptive and if you keep her, she will sense that you don't want her, and no one wants to feel unwanted. She should be with someone who wants her around and feels a bond with her, such as her dad.
...............................
|
