A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few nights ago my boyfriend and I were talking and just goofing around and joking etc, and we ended up talking about his past sex life with his ex. This is the ex where they lost their virginity's together and the only girl he's ever been intimate with besides me. He was saying things about how cute she was being their first time and how she got right to it and wasn't shy at all and took control, and how loud she always was (which I know my boyfriend really loves these things) and a couple of other things that are a little too much to post. Now my boyfriend and I are always open with each other and never get upset over things but I guess I got a little jealous about this. Mostly because I realized I'm not really like his ex when I'm with him. I am more of the shy type, feel more comfortable with him being the one in control, and I'm not too loud. Which my boyfriend has been trying to help me to let lose more and helping me come out of my shell. I just can't help thinking that maybe he was more satisfied with her in the bedroom and now I'm even starting to think he may be comparing us in his head or thinking about her when we are with each other since we've had that talk. (My boyfriend was my first so I don't have anyone else to compare him to so I don't know if people do this)Other than that, he does treat me great in and out of the bedroom and I think he's a great boyfriend. Maybe I'm just being immature and insecure about the whole situation? I haven't said anything to my boyfriend about this and don't really plan to, because I know it's my own problem. I just want to get the opinions of others.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): I get this way too because I asked my boyfriend too many qns and he (stupidly he knows now) answered me honestly! Now if I ask a question he think I can't handle coz of my jealousy tendencies he just says: I don't want to discuss this with you because you know what happens if we do, just need to trust me that you have nothin to worry about! And I say: fine! And huff about for a minute or two but I know deep down he's done the right thing. So in the bedroom, the things that I know he loves that I do well, I just get really really good at. And now he only thinks of me when it comes to that thing! Listen to him and observe are the best way to go about that. I too am quiet mostly during sex but I indulge him with a little noise ale very now and again because I know he likes it - (even though it makes me feel like a fake!) and sometimes we watch loud porn together so someone else makes the noise for me!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): OP being open and honest is one thing, asking for the intimate details of a past relationship is another and it's a recipe for disaster.
I must say OP, he's a bit of an immature fool.
First off, not every woman is loud. There is nothing wrong with you and him telling you he wants you to come out of your shell is implying there is. There isn't. Most women are not loud, I've been with a hell of a lot of different ones and the loud ones are the rarer of the two. In fact loud ones are the ones more likely to be faking it, so perhaps his ex was too. Boys who think women are loud when sex is good are inexperienced or base everything on porn.
OP he needs to stop trying to "fix" you, to change your sexual style into something that's not you. My wife isn't loud at all, and neither am I. Basically as a teenager growing up in a packed house with very thin walls I learned to climax and have sex without any vocalisations and I'm still like that, my wife is too focused on the feeling to make noise and when she does make noise it's more grunts and pants.
OP he didn't have better sex with his ex, just different. The reason you think she may have been better is because he's trying to change your style to be more like hers. And while he may not mean to he's creating a big issue for you.
I mean of course you're going to think she may have been better if he's doing that, but what;s really happening OP is that he just has the wrong idea about sex, he's inexperienced, immature and being stupid. Let me make it clear OP, it's either lack of knowledge or he's being an asshole. There's no middle ground.
But part of that is your fault for trying to play that role.
Look he;s your first, so yes you too are being inexperienced and immature, but guess what? The whole fun about sex is learning these things.
So do have a chat with him, tell him you've been doing some research and you're just not a loud fucker. That your style is your style and there's nothing wrong with that, tell him you don't need to come out of any shell because you love sex with him and tell him his attempts to make you have sex more like his ex is making you feel insecure.
You say he's a great boyfriend, so he'll understand and he'll stop. It's not that he likes louder women more OP, it's that he thinks it's supposed to be like that, so teach him.
Oh and no offence but your relationship isn't as open and honest as it should be if you can't open up to him about things like this. So do discuss it OP. It'll ease your mind, and you can start having sex according to your personal style with no expectations and no insecurity.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Tisha above gave you wonderful advice. I have a feeling that she's looking at this from the point of view of a woman. I think you would get a lot from considering the point of view of a man. I'm not sure he said anything just because he wanted to hurt you.
Are you sure it wasn't you who opened the can of worms? You say you "ended up" talking about his previous sex life. That wouldn't have happened if YOU had avoided it. You were curious about what the man had done.
So he may have (naively) assumed that you wanted to hear the details about it, as opposed to other things you truly had in mind. You wanted reassurance, but didn't ask for that: Your question was about his previous sex life, and he gave you an answer.
You two seem to be happy together, which, let us state it clearly, means he seems to be perfectly happy with you. You don't know if he's more satisfied with her than with you. But you are assuming he is, so he can't win. Whatever he says, you will suspect him. This will lead you straight to disaster and breakup and what not. Think if this is what you want.
I had some friends who used to rent porn movies to get new "ideas" about what to do in bed. I wonder if any of the two ever thought that Mr wanted to do this and that because he was thinking about being in bed with Girl in the Porn Movie and not with Ms.
People get to like certain things about sex and they tend to repeat that with other partners. That doesn't mean they think any less of the new person. That only means they liked what they did, period.
Tisha's advice is very wise about "I don't want any more information about this". My humble opinion is that you shouldn't add the "make love to me like you mean it". That sentence is judgmental and would show you don't trust him. It would lead him to be sure that you feel his mind is elsewhere when he makes love to you. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who had that accusation pointed at my head.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Huge mistake. Massive mistake. You say you were goofing around and joking around and then you got into really personal details about how he enjoyed sex with his ex.
No, dear girl, no, never ever go there.
Oh dear.
So you are now feeling insecure and worried that he'd rather be with her in bed?
So we can spend hours listing all the rational reasons why he's with you. I'll run a few.
One is, he's not with her anymore. They broke up. They ended. They are over. If they were so brilliant and fab together then you wouldn't even be here posting this question because they would be picking out china and names for their babies.
Now, you are going to tell us that she broke up with him and so you are a wee bit worried that he's still hung up on her. That you are his second choice and that you know this is your problem and you are here trying your best to deal with this massive mistake you made.
The massive mistake was in talking specifics about sex.
I'm sure you felt you were doing the grown up mature thing about talking frankly about sex.
I'm also sure that what you really wanted was a confirmation from him that he loves having sex with you and you are really fun to be with and he can't wait to bed you again.
Instead you got a list of complaints veiled as 'she did this that I like' and what the hell, he knows you are who you are in bed.
If he's been working to bring you out of your shell he is doing an absolutely shitty job.
Talking about his ex's sexual habits.
What a freaking idiot.
Okay, now. You have to draw some boundaries and let him know how this has affected you.
You can do it nicely.
"Jonah, you know that talk we had about sex and your ex? I know we are all open and never ever get upset over anything but I have to admit that I'm having some trouble with it. I think it was too much too soon.
'I know you are crazy about me and like us together and if you were really hung up on her you'd still be with her and you certainly wouldn't be dating me.
'So let's make a pact right now to not ever talk about your sex life before me.
'And I love having sex with you and I hope you love having sex with me.
'Now make love to me like you mean it, and I will do the same.'
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