A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello!I come from a very traditional Asian family. I have been told to respect those older than me and those with higher authority (example, my mom is the oldest in her family so all my cousins address me as big sister or so, even if they are older than me.) I am 20. I have just moved out of my family's home to be with my boyfriend (across the united states). Before I left, things were rough between my brother, my mom, and I. My oldest brother who is 31 is marrying an 18 year old and she was moving in with us. I was against it because of her age, and that they've only known each other for a few weeks. He had gone to Asia and 'fell in love.' I think she is a con and only wants him so she can come here. My mom insists I show her respect because she is marrying my older brother, which she and I fought about every time we talked. I think its ridiculous that I have to call her big sister. Upon hearing she was moving in with us, I packed my bags and moved to the east coast (I am from the west) and I have been very happy ever since. My mom blames my brother for my moving away but when she and I talk, she'll call me rude, disrespectful and etc. We're clashing on a number of things. I think someone ought to deserve my respect instead of automatically receiving it because of rank whereas she believes I have to be on my knees catering to my new big sister because they're getting married. In her time it was common (she and My dad have a 20 year gap) but to me all I see is the girl trying to get her papers.She has been trying to be nice to me, but I cannot find it in my being to be as nice back. Am I being too stubborn and bitchy about the whole thing or is my anger understandable?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I understand your concern about the character of your brother's fiancé and you've already expressed that so there isn't much more you can (or should) do. And your concern for your brother should not escalate to the point that you and he are estranged. Kind of defeats the whole point, doesn't it?
If she is a con artist - IF - then you're doing her a huge favour by drawing attention away from her and on to you. People won't see her actions. What they'll see is YOUR animosity toward her.
You don't have to refer to her as big sister, but surely you can at least be courteous. The more reasonable you are, the more people will listen to you. Who knows, you may come to learn you were wrong about her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): If you're so in favour of earning respect why is it ok for your cousins to defer to you?
You don't need to worship the ground she walks on but for love of your brother get to know her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): I do understand you,and see where you are coming from but REALLY in the scheme of things, does it really matter. Does this have to ruin family relationships? why not let family members make their own mistakes (if they are).
Rank and titles are ego bound and don't mean a great deal unless you believe it does yourself.
You like you are coping well on your own, so why not try to 'let go' of this pointless situation that 'helps create unessesary stress, and just get on with your own life. You talk about Respect....kindness, acceptance, tolerance should come way before respect...the 'ego' commands respect, don't you think that kindness, acceptance, and tolerance BRINGS respect.
life can be happy if we all learn to be a bit more gentle.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (12 March 2014):
I think you are taking out your resentment for your mom and traditional ways on your soon to be sister in law. You may suspect her of using your brother and disapprove of their age difference, but it isn't your life or your decision. And you say that she has been nice to you. So you don't agree about the traditional chinese values about age and respect. So what? You don't have to respect her to be nice and polite towards the person your brother is choosing to marry. Respect isn't just about what you do on the surface. In the army, you have to salute those of higher rank than you. You might think they are unworthy and incompetent and not really respect them, but you still have to.
Maybe you are right about her. In your shoes, I would be concerned and suspicious too. But your being nasty is very unlikely to change your brothers mind. It will just serve to alienate you from your family and paint you as the bad guy, for picking on her for no apparent reason. I really get where you are coming from, not agreeing with family values. I am chinese canadian. But politeness and genuine respect are not the same thing.
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