A
female
age
30-35,
*uds123
writes:ok so me and bf have been going strong for nearly a year and a half but the other day he told me he watches porn and now i cant get the thought out of my head!! does it me he doesnt love me? or does he not find me attractive?? i guess because i dont watch it and really dont want to i dont understand it can anyone help at all?? please?? does it mean hes weird?? im sorry for all the questions im just really comfused!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Ok so we get it , your not going to change...I honestly cant say I expected you would...but if I may ask you this..
How can you know for sure taht these 'women' in porn are actually women and not girls. Im for one think some of them look quite young...how do you know for sure...the truth is you never can be....especially amatuer porn where teenage girls get talked in to all kinds of rubbish. Its expoitative whether you want to accept it or not.
The mere fact that society condemns women who sleep around as sluts yet call men who do the same studs...demonstrates how womens lives ARE irretrievably damaged through porn whether amatuer or not.,...Those 'women will, more than likely go on to have kids and how do you think they will feel 10 years down the track worrying their kids may see them???Not quite the same for the men is it???
Its sad that the studpid decsions will affect these women for the rest of their lives in ways they could never effect the men
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Hi, I've no idea which of the two posters I'm replying to. By this stage, some indication (like a first name - a false one, if preferred) would be very helpful in the interest of avoiding confusion all round. Vis-a-vis your questions: 1) I'm not doing anything to 'contribute to the betterment of women's status', nor to undermine it. 2) My 'increasing my attractiveness to a potential partner' is akin to asking me to scale Mount Everest or fly to the moon in a hand-built helicopter or command the sky to turn green, a fact I've reluctantly had to come to terms with over the last few years, and which goes a long way to explain why there is a 'market' (though I hate the word and all its capitalist connotations) for porn. There IS no potential partner. Believe me, I've tried. Though I don't take personal offence at anything that's been said by either you (hello?) or the other poster (hiya!) I do get the sense that you've both assumed no woman will go near me BECAUSE I watch porn, which is like saying eggs lay chickens or chickens hatch eggs. It's very much the other way round. I watch porn in the absence of any other sexual outlet. This is after years and years of listening to well-intentioned but utterly clueless advice along the lines of 'oh, don't worry, you'll find someone eventually who loves you for all your wonderful qualities etc. etc.'. It never happened, and I got sick of waiting. Taking everything that both of you have said on board, and with all the respect and good will in the world, I still haven't read anything here that remotely explains what's wrong with me wanting to see, hear and enjoy genuine female orgasms if they're freely put out there for public consumption by the women who're having them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Sorry, I still dont get it...so your contibuting to the betterment of womens status how? and
Your increasing you atrractiveness to a potential partner how exactly?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Good evening. Me again.
I'm well aware that you're two separate people, though it becomes difficult to tell who's who when all responses are signed 'female, anonymous.' However, that's fair enough. I'm anonymous too.
To the poster who took offence at the Pope/Ayatollah remark, I do apologise. It was probably a cheap shot. No harm was intended, though you did label me an 'unenlightened sad wanker'.
So you went to youporn and didn't like what you saw. Fair enough, but I'm sure a cursory look at any random three or four of the videos there would be enough to dispel any notion that the women are there against their will, or are being 'forced' into doing anything they're not comfortable with.
There are thousands of videos there, many of which are recreationally watched and enjoyed by both women and men. I also think it's intriguing that your main gripe with the video you happened to see was an aesthetic objection rather than a moral one - the fact that the man 'was a big old fat repulsive geezer with a paunch, possibly in his sixties.'
(We all have aesthetic preferences, and if I was to come across a video featuring a man like the one you described, or an 'old fat repulsive' female of uncertain vintage, it would also act as a turn-off for me and I would be very unlikely to watch it. But the point is, your objection was to what the man looked like, not apparently anything to do with the nature of the sexual set-up itself. Did you see any evidence of anything that looked like exploitation?)
So we're not all beautiful, handsome and sexy like the French boyfriend with whom you have swing-from-the-rafters sex. Such is life. If I were any of the above, I probably wouldn't be single and wouldn't have any need to watch porn (though, again, plenty of happily committed COUPLES watch it and enjoy it - nothing wrong there). But as I pointed out, unless YOU'RE in a situation where you know you'll never have sex again, you're not entitled to look down from a height and judge others who are in that position, who need some sort of sexual outlet to make their lives bearable, and who are trying to do so as ethically as possible in a way that doesn't harm or exploit anyone else. I'm sure you wouldn't advocate for a minute that young attractive people are inherently superior human beings to old fat repulsive paunchy people in their sixties. Or would you?
I'd refute absolutely your accusation that I'm 'holier than thou' (as I'm sure would anyone who knows me) though I'd plead guilty to the pedantry (and again, I accept that picking on people's typos was offside).
I'll take your 'Happy porn viewing' remark at face value as a genuine comment, rather than a sarcastic 'I'm getting laid and you're not' sneer, and yes I will try to watch it as happily as possible, and in that same spirit of generosity I'd like to wish you all the happiness in the world with your hot French boyfriend.
I just object to being judged, as no-one's been able to explain to me how I'm doing anything wrong. You may be old and sex-starved some day too, and if that happens, and you elect to turn to ethical amateur porn, it won't make you an inferior human being to people who have no need for it.
And to answer your question about why couples post their sex lives online, don't you think it's simply because they want to and find it a thrill? If you find it tragic or dirty, that's up to you.
(Also to the other poster: in case you were wondering, I am indeed opposed to violence and rape of women and girls).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): hi to the female anon who posted befor me...this guys a fool. he obviously cant cope with mpore than one view against what he is doing....sad how they will try to justify it in any way they can....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): The fact that you dont understand some very basic facts about womens sexuality may explain why you have no sexual partner. Womens sexuality is NOT like that shown in porn...it is personal, intimate and sacred...although men have always tried to make it like their...The fact that some women make the decision to betray their own inner truth and share this sacred part of themselves with complete strangers is tragic...and this is what you participate in..
Regardless of why they make these sad decisions you have an option not to support these myths that are portrayed in ALL porn even amatuer porn which more often than not emulates the other type of porn, with women striving to look and behave in the ways promoted by this media.
Instead of w over porn why dont you try investing your time in bettering womens staus, fighting negative atitudes towards women, advocating against violence and rape of women and girls....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): Female anon again - I did post yesterday but they haven't put it on the system which is hugely annoying!!! Either way, I'll try and remember what I wrote yesterday.
Firstly, "debating with The Pope or the Ayatollah" - where did you get that view from? Just because I have a distaste of porn!! You really do have a closed mind. Gosh, I am so trying to remember what I wrote yesterday!! I am no puritan and I have "swing from the rafters" sex with my bf. You spoke with regard to amateur porn too. Now, why would anyone having wonderful sex with their partner, want to show this to the world on youporn or whatever. What possible reasons could there be for this - none of which are good I am sure. If it's for the ego, then spiritually that is not a good thing. It's not a celebration of what they are doing, they've just turned it into a dirty act for everyone to see. A chap where I used to work came in one day laughing saying his friend had told him that he and his wife had filmed themselves having sex and put it on the internet. It was a last ditch attempt to resolve their marital issues; they were not having sex. It was like patching an old wound and I believe they are no longer together!! Sometimes, to see the bigger picture, you have to look beyond what is there in front of you. I did as you said, as I have an open mind, and went onto youporn and typed in "wedding". It then moved onto another page and gave me several options. So, I clicked on some random picture and saw what I can only describe as a young girl (possibly 18 or 19), having sex with a big old fat geezer with a paunch (possibly in his sixties). When I think of my beautiful, handsome, sexy French bf, and that poor girl having to shag some repulsive old geezer - I knew instantly there was an inequality of immense proportions. Why, oh why, would a young attractive girl shag some old fat geezer, unless she truly lacked something. I was repulsed and revolted by this - and this is the amateur porn that you claim to love so much................jeeze, saddo!! No thanks!!!!!!
Also, I thanked you in my post yesterday for pointing out my typo - conscious instead of conscience - thank you so much for pointing this out. However, the other typos you love so dearly to point out are from another female anon, who clearly shares the same views as I (you seem to be muddling what the both of us have said in your posts). I think your holier than thou ways and tendancy towards pedantry sum you up entirely. Happy amateur porn viewing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): I don't see any inequality in amateur porn, no. Because there is none.
'the men in porn are almost unanimously hideous whilst the women are predominately unscared, perk, thin and young' (I assume you mean 'unscarred and pert'...)
This comment indicates that YET AGAIN, you're referring to the horrible XXX commercial porn which I've made it very clear I disapprove of and would never watch. In amateur porn, the women come in all shapes and sizes, and vary hugely in terms of facial attractiveness, physique etc. etc.
(Also think your comment 'the men are almost unanimously hideous' tells us quite a lot about your view of the male species in general. Though if you're AGAIN referring to commercial XXX porn, you do have a point. The men in those movies are indeed repugnant.)
"Women are great, and should be treated like the goddesses they are. We keep families together, we have children, we multi-task, we are caring, nurturing and soooooo much more."..."Women basically are more sensitive, nurturing etc."....
We get it, OK. No-one's denying that women are great. But this is turning into a dialogue of the deaf. To recap, there are different types of porn. As far as the nastier variety goes, I agree with your opinion 100%. And as far as the more modern amateur porn - entirely filmed by consenting adults, loving couples having great sex with real orgasms - it's crystal-clear to me by now that you're either unaware it exists, or you don't want to know.
If you can muster up the skills to actually EXPLAIN to me why on earth amateur porn is 'exploitative of women and not men', or how it involves any sort of 'inequality' whatsoever, I'd be very interested to hear what you have to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): people lie you will never understand why porn is exploitative of women and not men...the fact that you even try to compare it says a whole lot...men never have and probably never will be assessed and judged on their bodies in the way women always have been. the men in porn are almost unanimously hideous whilst the women are predominately unscared, perk, thin and young. It is women who predominately experience rape, sexual harrassment and have poor body image..Porn really helps women to believe they are worth more than their body parts. Its interesting that you see no inequality here...hmmmmmmmmm
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): To the previous two anon female posters:
1) I do have a 'conscious' (I believe you meant 'a conscience') and a moral backbone. Which is why I would never go to a prostitute (that would be exploiting women), or watch nasty commercial porn where I sense the women are not entirely there of their own free will and are clearly not enjoying themselves, or disrespectfully ogle young ladies' bodies in the manner of your elderly neighbour.
You say I 'don't need this'...well, not as fundamentally as I need food or water, but it's a fact that we all need some sort of sexual outlet. Brilliant for you if you were able to handle three years without sex by just 'using your imagination' when you masturbated...I do the same, with an accompanying visual stimulus which isn't harming anyone. If amateur porn was to disappear tomorrow, there's no way I could bring myself to watch the sick, nasty, exploitative commercial porn that you seem to think is the only sort of porn out there.
2) Deep breath here, I sense I might as well be debating sexual morality with the Pope or the Ayatollah. I'd like you to explain how on earth I'm 'using' women who have freely elected to film their sexual exploits and posted them online for the viewing pleasure of others. If so, surely I'm also 'using' the men?
I suggest that you research the difference between amateur porn and the sick nasty exploitative commercial kind, since both of you seem to be completely unaware that there IS a (massive) difference.
If you're really prepared to be open-minded, visit a site like youporn, take a five-minute look at one of the videos (like 'wedding night' or whatever), then come back and tell me in what way I'm 'exploiting women' or perpetuating their suffering (They're not suffering at all, quite the opposite. But don't take my word for it. See for yourself.)
'There's NO justification for this treatment of women'....what treatment of women? Watching videos they've freely made with their boyfriends/husbands, which both parties are entirely happy to let other people view? What exactly do you object to? Them choosing to film it and share it with others, me choosing to watch it, or them having sex in the first place?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): To the middle aged man that told me to watch my manners - well, thanks for your reasoning but as the other anon female said, you had a choice and you chose porn. You don't need this but you choose it. Before the relationship I am in now, I went basically three years without sex. And yes, I am a female. So, you reckon it's easier for women to get laid?? not so, unless you want a skanky one night stand. Women, funnily enough, desire to be loved and wanted before giving themselves to a man. Did I use porn during the 3 years I abstained - guess what - no I didn't. Again, if I wanted to masturbate, then I would use my imagination. Women are great, and should be treated like the goddesses they are. We keep families together, we have children, we multi-task, we are caring, nurturing and soooooo much more. We shouldn't be putting our fannies up for sale to the highest bidder and basically becoming a "tool" for misguided men to wank to. Have a conscious and a moral backbone. Again, last female was right. My old neighbour, who lives on his own, always looks at my tits and I find it sooooooooooooo offensive. Don't turn into this man by getting your jollies from porn - you'll never ever meet a women who thinks you are anything but a sad loooooossssssssssssser!!!! Use your imagination, it's limitless!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Sorry but I agree its wrong......You say 'Why do I watch it? Because like quite a lot of middle-aged men, I have a non-existent sex life and no realistic hope of ever getting laid again.' and that's your choice, but so long as you realise that using women in porn as a solution to your problem only compounds it and guarantees that any woman with an ounce of self respect will never touch you again...that's unless you hide it like so many men do.There's NO justifying this treatment of women as if they are simply to be judged and ogled...regardless of why they make the sad choice to degrade themselves this way...you have a choice...to promote it by USING it or to not use and to contribute to respect for women in general. Sadly you choose the first because your orgasm is obviously more important to you than treating women right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Emerald 2000 - you stated and I quote "it means nothing", eg. porn. If that's the case, then give it up?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): 'Any person who watches porn is basically an unenlightened, sad wanker'...(last anon female poster) Watch your manners, you! I watch porn. Not the conventional XXX stuff which features steroid mutants basically abusing and brutalising desperate, demeaned women who were probably sexually abused as kids, have serious personality disorders and drug problems. I've seen that stuff on occasion, having been in social situations where some lads have switched it on, and I've always found it utterly horrifying (and said so). It makes me sick to the point of feeling faint. I assume this is the sort of porn your friend Shelley Lubben was referring to. But the more modern form of amateur porn, where hot couples who look great are kind enough to film their exploits and post them online...that stuff's pretty nice, and I'm very grateful to them for doing it. Why do I watch it? Because like quite a lot of middle-aged men, I have a non-existent sex life and no realistic hope of ever getting laid again. But I still get horny just like everyone else, and I have to make my life as bearable as possible. I would never go to a prostitute, because I think it's morally very dubious and I wouldn't expect it to be anything other than cold, empty and meaningless. So I watch porn. I'd trade it in a heartbeat for genuine love, companionship and of course sex with a willing partner who finds me sexually attractive, but that's a wish list rather than a realistic ambition. So if these people are willing to film themselves f**king, and are obviously happy for other people to watch it, you can't seriously tell me I'm not within my rights to watch it and enjoy it. If that makes me a 'dirty old man', well, so what? (The phrase itself contains three levels of bigotry - ageism, inverse sexism and puritanical judgement). Unless YOU'RE in a situation where you know you'll never get sex again (a pretty basic and fundamental human need) you're not really entitled to judge others who are in that position. Now tell me, am I an 'immature, misguided, unimaginative sad wanker'?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): Any person that continually watches porn is basically an unenlightened, sad wanker. I feel the men that all jump to porn's defence on this site are immature, misguided, unimaginative, I could roll on with the adjectives. If I want to have a wank, I'll use my imagination to get off. Clearly, what men are saying is they have no imagination, so they turn to a visual stimuli. I guess, this also explains the fundamental difference between men and women. Women basically are more sensitive, nurturing etc. They feel instinctively that porn is not right. You know the question "I don't like porn but I'm not sure why". Call that your gut instinct. From another posting on here I viewed a site yesterday with regard to an ex porn star called Shelley Lubben - and I have to admit I cried at what she had written (please google this if you can). How could I read what she has to say and it have no impact on me?? Clearly men with no souls or an overriding addiction to porn can still continue without thought for anyone else but themselves. I have viewed porn in the past but I've never really liked it. There is an underlying feeling of yes, the women are degrading themselves and from what Shelley Lubben said too, the women in porn DO NOT enjoy the sex they have; this takes away all women's nurturing, monogomous qualities and turns them into merely tits and fanny with no brain. Do you know of any of your friends who would like to have sex with some old geezer who essentially turns your stomach?? No, didn't think so. Porn is not a natural state of affairs for women, it just likes you to believe that it is. Yes, there will be women that berate me for this because they like to watch it. Id say to them, read Shelley Lubben's account and then tell me you still want to watch it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): Every single guy watches porno, from kids in middle school on their families computer to 50 year old guys in their one bedroom apartments! Look at the most visited sites on the world wide web and many of them are web 2.0 pornography sites much like youtube. Every day millions upon millions of people watch porno ( look at the data online the numbers are staggering). In our web society it has become the norm. Just because a guy watches pornography doesn't mean that he isnt attracted to you or doesn't love you. Masturbation is a perfectly normal thing that has many benefits ( once again look at the research) and in our current society the way that people perform that action has been changed by free, readily available pornography accessable on any computer.
Perhaps it would be good to have a discussion with the guy where he can tell you why he watches those videos and what he gets out of it, as well as what you think about it. By doing this you can get on the same page and hopefully get a better understanding of why he does it. If you are open to it maby you could try watching some of it with him sometime, you might be surprised, there is so much out there that there is something for everyone with an open mind. All guys do it, its a fact. I honestly don't know a single person at my college who doesn't, except for like 2 a sexual videogame addicts.
***Please not this response was written by someone who thinks porn is the greatest thing since sliced bread**** sorry for the bias!!!!!
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male
reader, Emerald2000  +, writes (20 June 2009):
Get over it.
You want the truth? Men watch porn. All men do. It doesn't mean we don't love you or want you.
If you are looking for a guy who doesn't then you will be looking for a long time. And when you find him you will only really be finding a man who is lying and hiding it.
It means nothing. Men like women's bodies and are very visually oriented and we always will be. If your bf is obsessed by it and watches it constantly, then I agree you might have a problem but if he watches it occasionally - it's just the way we're wired. As hard as it may be for you to understand it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you or how you look. You're probably a knock out.
One of the reasons the internet and bandwidth took off is porn. It's a multi-billion dollar industry. And you think guys don't watch it? Or it's just the creeps? Wake up.
If he is a good guy, treats you well, and you care for him ... for god's sake CHILL about it. Seriously.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): But thats the whole point...you dont have a good relationship...a relationship where a man needs or wants to look at other women naked and get off is a complete insult to you....Im not trying to be rude but honey, you DESERVE a man who is satisfied with just your body...a man can be wonderful AND not look at porn too. Whys dont you believe you deserve one of these men..and if your bf knows you dont like it why does he do it???Arnt your feelings more important to him than looking at other naked women...I dont think your pathetic at all, but I do think he is...sorry...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009): Ok, female anon, I posted that. Have you even thought that maybe I haven't asked him to stop? Why should I have to be controlling? Would it be fair if he asked me to give up talking to my male friends?
Plus, if it's an otherwise good relationship I don't see why it's "sad" that I compromise myself like that... People always compromise themsleves in relationships, and it's not about changing yourself for the other.
Why should I give up on an otherwise good man, because he watches porn? What if I found a guy who didn't watch porn but hated cats, and I adore cats? Or was very religious (which I'm not)? It's impossible to find someone who's perfect, sorry.
You make it sound like I'm pathetic, which I'm not. If we have a good relationship, then I'll just have to live with it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): Iys sooo very sad that women like the one before say they hate porn yet put up with it to keep their boyfriends...If your boyfriend doesnt care about you enough to give up porn if it hurts you, then I dont care if he has 1 million 'good' qualities, hes worth nothing...sorry but this is just very sad to see women compromising themselves like this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): I agree with baby duck. I happen to hate porn and dislike the fact that my boyfriend watches it very much... but I've realized I don't want to lose him. He has a thousand great qualities which are IMPOSSIBLE to come by in another guy, agains this one thing that upsets me which is that he gets off to other women. Do I want to lose the 1000 great things about him for one habit of his? He'd been single for most of his life, so what did I expect? Of course I prefer to tolerate it, hard as it may be, because where will I find such an excellent boyfriend, who on top of that doesn't watch porn? Impossible.
What works for me is "out of sight, out of mind". Tell your boyfriend how his habit makes you feel, let him reassure you and ask him to please keep it out of sight... that is to say, not leave evidence around and not talk to you about it. Porn can be a good way to explore fantasies and sexuality in general, you know, like it can be a tool used by couples. Maybe you could watch it together and you'll realize it's not so much of a deal. I've tried it, but it didn't work for me. So I just ask him not to tell me about it, and to keep it out of sight. It works great. That way he gets to watch it, and as I don't know about it, I don't have to think about it. I prefer not to know.
We have a pretty good relationship and sex life, so I can't complain.
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female
reader, puds123 +, writes (14 June 2009):
puds123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all very much for your respanses they really have helped alot!!! i was very unaware about the whole thing and you have all helped a lot thank you
take care!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): people might call this normal but it is up to you whether you want to accept this degrading behaviour from a man who claims to love you....bottom line is, if he is happy with your body then why would he even contemplate getting off over another womans naked body?
In life you get what you settle for......
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): No.. contrare. It means he's pretty much normal.
This has come up so many times on this site though, that you will do excellently to read some of our other posts and answers here, as i believe most of us here feel like broken records.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/questions-about-porn.html
This is a really good one.. we got quite a discussion going. Check the links on the side of the page. One says pornography.
~SY.
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