A
male
age
30-35,
*er_zyniker
writes:I suppose I'll jump right in. I'm a 23 year old, gay, college student. I've been interested in one of my friends for a while who is in the same major as me. His name is Chris. Last spring I asked him out because I knew I liked him and I wasn't 100% sure if he was straight or gay. It turned out that he's straight and he took things rather well. It was apparent that he felt a little awkward around me for a few weeks, but that was to be expected. Overall, he seemed to handle it rather well. This was also only about a mouth after I had met him. The reason I had asked him out wasn't just because I was interested. I had fallen in love with a friend twice before, and one of those times (during my senior year of high school) the friend I had fallen for wouldn't have anything to do with me after he found out about the way that I felt about him. Needless to say I was hurting, but luckily I had a few friends that I could talk to that helped me though it. I also have a tendency for becoming interested in friends and there have been a few more times that I've developed feeling for a friend, but I really didn't say anything to them about it since they're all straight. The reason I asked Chris out was because I wanted to know if there was any possibility of a relationship, and if there wasn't I wanted to get the idea out of my head asap. At the beginning of the last semester it seemed that things were going just fine between me an him, but about half way through the semester I realized, that despite the fact that I had tried to get the idea out of my head, I was starting to develop feeling for him. Since we had to do a group project together for one of our classes I decided not to bring it up since I didn't want to cause more problems than were necessary.After what happened with the friend that I fell for my senior year of high school, I know that I really couldn't deal with losing a friend for the reason that I love them again. On top of that, I really don't have the support network that I did back in high school. I really can't talk to my family since that are really against gays and I don't make friends easily since I'm a bit odd. Aside from Chris, I only have one other friend where I live now, and I've been living here for a year an a half.I considered telling Chris what is going on and that I want him to stay away from me for a while so that I can try to deal with this and shake off the feeling I've developed, but there are a few additional problems with that. Our major is chemical engineering and the class material has gotten so difficult for everyone such that if you aren't working on the homework and studying in a group, you probably won't pass your the classes. The issue is that aside from the one friend that I have other than Chris, I met everyone that I work with through Chris. The people I work with are Chris's friends and he works with them pretty much all the time. I basically need Chris in that respect. I can't tell Chris that he can't come near me and then hang around with his friend so that I can get the homework done. Plus there are only about 100 people left in our major, so I'll see him constantly in class.I'm just at a complete loss in terms of what to do. I'm tired of not being able to say a word when I have feelings for a friend. I really can't deal with losing a friend again because I love them, so I really can't let my feeling for Chris get to that point. At the same time I need him from a academic perspective. Right now I just can't deal with falling for a friend who is incapable of ever feeling the same way about me. What should I do?
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reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (20 January 2014):
 I understand how you feel. When I was in college, it seemed as though all I could do was CRUSH on guys that were straight. Probably because that's all that were around me (that I knew of).
Anyway... I never told me best friend that I was gay... but I assume that he figured it out cause at one point he told me he could never be my 'lover'. It was awkward... but sort of helped me move past the whole total crush thing.
I don't know where you're going to school/live but you might be in a similar situation as I was (small town mountain states, VERY conservative community, etc.) But, if there's an LGBTQ organization at your school... I would recommend joining, or perhaps check the local community for such an organization. You need to meet more people like yourself... rather than hanging around all the straight people all the time... and being so frustrated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): It's a matter of emotional-convenience. You drew him in under the pretense you were just making friends; and sharing a common-interest in your chosen field of study.
It's not that you are in-love. You are infatuated with the fact you can be liked by a "straight-guy;" although you are gay. You want to translate his friendship into sexual attraction. That is a futile, and slightly deceptive, attempt on your part.
You idolize straight men and you have decided to fixate on them. It's typical in the gay community. There is no age-limit. It's just another facet of homosexuality. Pursuit of the unobtainable straight-dude. Thriving on a bromance,that really doesn't exist.
Forgoing any opportunities that may arise to form mutual attractions with other gay-men. You fear being scrutinized for your flaws and imperfections. You're avoiding the likelihood of rejection you expect from other gay men. Due to your appearance and other personal-traits gay men are more sensitive to; or, more likely to be aware of.
Straight men are less critical of other men in that respect. Thus they are easier to attach to. Their masculinity is appealing, and magnetic. Gay men have exactly the same appeal; you just don't want to take the risks.
Like closely approaching a wild animal, that doesn't flee or attack when you extend a hand. You like the feeling that you've tamed them, and they trust you. You are on a mission to get a different outcome from the disappointment you faced in your attempt to seduce someone you liked in high school.
You also have this inner-desire to "change" his feelings. Your ultimate goal is to convert his sexual attraction toward you. You obsess and fantasize about it. Thus you can't pull yourself out of that frame of thought.
It becomes a challenge to pursue what you can't have. The more you realize you can't have him, the more you want him.
There is something you have to adopt into your line of thinking. That is self-control. It is irrational to avoid people; because you can't force them to be sexually attracted to you. That is very shallow.
It is foolish to tamper with your friendship; because you can't manipulate your friend. He has overcome the stigma that could be attached for being your friend, he has overlooked the suspicions that could arise from just being around you, and he is sincere.
Get a grip. Just cut the crap. Stop thinking with your smaller head, and use the one with a brain.
It's time you stop chasing straight-guys and searching for some "gay-element" or some gay-curiosity you can exploit.
I am also a gay man, and I know exactly where all this is coming from. You can't have your way, so you toss the friendship. It was all under false-pretense. You were only interested in getting into his pants. Come on. Don't be like that. Don't play it off as innocent. It is all calculating and premeditated.
Allow it to be a real friendship; because, he has put aside his own prejudices to allow that to happen. He trusts you, and he put a lot on the line, as far as his reputation with the ladies is concerned.
He is comfortable with his masculinity; that doesn't mean he is attracted to other men. In fact, his masculinity isn't threatened by anything; and he can sees people for who they are. This is rare, and you're foolish to forgo the opportunity; because you can't control your "sexual" feelings. Don't call it love. It's lust.
Avoid him if you must. It is better than pretending to be a friend, and just using him.
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