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female
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anonymous
writes: Did I do the right thing? My bf broke up with me in December due to some problems in the relationship. We were both still very much in love, but things just weren't working. I wanted to stay together and see if we could work things out, but he didn't anymore, so that was it. Or so I thought. In the months since the break-up, I feel like it's just been so many ups and downs. We're at uni together, in the same program, so we tried staying friends. The problem is that we still had this cycle - he'd get really mad at me, I'd get really upset, eventually we'd talk, it would seem like things had been resolved ... several days would pass and we'd be enjoying spending time together so much, we'd see more and more of each other, and eventually, we'd end up crossing the line from being platonic friends to being something more. And for a day or two or maybe more, he'd talk about wanting to see if things could work out. And then, suddenly, that'd be it - he'd be upset again, and it'd be like breaking up all over again.I'm sure I did my part to make him mad. It was never intentional, but I seem to have bad luck with that - I say/do stupid things that I regret. His reaction generally seems unduly severe to me, but when I stop and think about it, I can understand the underlying factor, if not the strength of the emotion.And as far as the crossing the line from friends to more than that (kissing, etc.), I'm sure I did my part. I have a tendency to be flirtatious in general, and I've wanted to get back together with him, anyway. So it'd be easy for me to be "hitting on him" without even knowing I was doing it. The thing is, even if that's true, and every time we hooked up again was completely "my fault," he always acted loving and sweet at the time and talked about getting back together ... so it didn't hurt any less when he'd change his mind again a few days later and tell me he couldn't forgive me for the things that had led to our initial problems and that we couldn't get back together after all.After a couple of months of the ups and downs, I realized I wasn't any closer to being over him than I'd been when we first broke up in December. I was still hoping there'd be a way to work things out, and knowing that he still loved me, even if I knew why he couldn't be with me, was just giving me a reason not to let go. Every time we'd resolve to be friends, within a week we'd be making out and, for a few days, acting pretty much the way things had been before the break-up.So finally, a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think being friends was going to work - not b/c I didn't care about him, but b/c I cared about him too much. I couldn't stop myself from wanting to be with him, and he couldn't stop himself from accepting the invitation. He got really mad and said it was all my fault, anyway - the original break-up had been my fault b/c I'd acted in ways I shouldn't have, the drama afterwards was my fault b/c I kept hitting on him and what did I expect?So I'm wondering - did I do the right thing by telling him we can't be friends or talk anymore, because it's too hard? Am I being immature?I wish I could be friends with him, but I feel like, 3 1/2 months of hook-up-then-break-up-then-hook-up-again say I can't. Every time he leaves I just feel so hurt - completely devastated, again. I look at so many of my friends at uni who have broken up with people they dated for a long time, and the couples still spend all their time together - as friends. I watch tv and i see these people who once dated, who now are just best friends.Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I do that?
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female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (15 March 2006):
 You did the right thing.
Some people really can't be friends and that is ok. It's not a written rule that after you break up you must hang out and have fun together.
Some people can and some can't. It depends on the person and the situation.
The main thing is to remain civil and friendly but avoid unecessary contact with each other.
One day, after time passes, you may become good mates but I wouldn't worry about that now.
I would concentrate on getting over him and moving on, meet new people, concentrate on your own studies and life for the moment.
In reality, I would say only a small percentage of couples ever stay good mates and if they do, often it is after taking a lot of time away from each other, meeting new people and getting away from the emotions of a relationship.
Take a step back, don't view this as a failure, you have learnt a lesson, enjoy your new life, meet some new people and be civil and nice to him but draw the line and don't spend time with him unless you feel you can really handle it.
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