A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need to move on and I know that. The man I was seeing (fallen in love with) was separated and going through a divorce. He asked me out and I accepted and we had the most fantastic 5 months together. His ex started threatening to move away with the children (she didn't know about me) and couldn't cope with him not loving her anymore. The house, his business, everything is in her name. Anyhow, it was no situation for me to be in, and as much as we wanted to be together, I walked away. His life, as he admits, is a mess. How can I get him out of my head? I haven't had any contact with him for 3 months now and deleted his number. His sister told me last week he is drinking as he is so miserable and doesn't have any solution, and that he is not over me. How can I keep strong and move on? I don't want to be the other person, I just wish I could try to remember the bad times, but they were only good! Help..... (they were living apart and separated when he asked me out).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): +++ Im the original poster
Thank you all for your answers, I truly and grateful for your reponses. His ex isn't from where we live so she moved here to be with him, she has some good friends here but this isnt her home town, her hometown is about 4 hours ago, so I can understand her wanting to leave to be able to move on, but that would mean taking his kids and he couldnt ber it so there really is no solution that I can see. I believe him when he says he's not in love with her and that its me he wants but I also can see thats as much as I love him, I need to let him go or his life is going to be disasterous. I just know I'll feel sick when I bump into next, its a small town we live in, it going to happen. I need to stay calm and keep strong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Hi Im sorry to hear things didnt work out for you and this guy. I think you made the right decision to go. I guess they both fight alot and the children are being used against him. Nightmare! And if the children are young those two will probably be fighting for years to come with you sitting in the background feeling like the `other` woman. You deserve much better for yourself. Him drinking is not a valid reason to return to him. Be strong and let him sort out his own mess as he puts it. He needs a counsellor and solicitor at this point, not a gf. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Very well put softtouchmale :)When you love someone who is honest but owes something to a previous relationship it is always a tricky situation to be in. It would help to know whether he continues to go back to the ex wife for sex... And it is up to him to sort his mess. You say everything is in her name. It would take years and tons of patience to sort this out in way which does not harm children. And there may be other ties too. A divorce may take years. In a similar situation, I promised to stand by my guy as a friend or a lover. It's been a while now - four years. He lives in the same house with his wife and children but there is no sexual relationship. It looks like the mess may resolve soon. Moving on seemed like the most sensible thing yet I could not make myself do it, so I decided to see it through.It may be good to stay in touch as friends and get him started on his divorce, keep your relationship discreet and work out a strategy. Take a backseat for a while, without breaking up.I read about married men, about to be divorced men and everyone seems to assume they are predators and useless. That may be the generally true but it's heartening to know that it is not always so.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 I can't help but feel sorry for the two of you. Obviously this man was separated and trying to start a new life. He met you. He did nothing wrong, and nothing to be ashamed of. Neither did you.
You would not have been the "other woman" in these circumstances.
And now, all of that is being taken away from him and he's hit the bottle and is now drinking himself into a stupor and possibly to death.
And in the meantime,you want to get him out of your head, but you're in love with him.
From what you've written the true tragedy here is that this is hurting the both of you. His wife is the bad person in this picture. She's holding children and money over his head to break you up. She knows nothing but selfishness, has virtually no pity, and is using blackmail to get what she wants. She doesn't know how to share.
And so far, the two of you have let her have her way.
Now, two people have been punished.
You can certainly walk away from him, and its apparent that you and his sister have some great concern for him.
But empathizing with him for a second, watching him drown in alcoholism is a total sin. Alcohol destroys whatever possibility of happiness any human being can have. Turning to that is emotional suicide. It will hurt his children and it has hurt you and his sister and anyone who honestly cares about him.
I do feel for you, and if you choose to walk away from him, that is certainly a wise choice under these circumstances; but it will take a great deal of time to get over him, if in fact you are in love with him. And so you will have to stay away from him for a very long time and get that kind of emotional distance.
On the other hand, if he's still in your heart after this much time, then perhaps as they say, he should change his circumstances so that he can be yours as a divorced man. That is, assuming you want him that way. If not, then you are best keeping your distance and finding someone else; though sadly, it appears you were quite happy together once.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 Hi there, I was in a relationship almost exactly like yours about a year ago. It's only been 3 months so give yourself a break. Having reminders like his sister updating you on him won't help either.Congrats on having the good sense to leave by the way.I promise that further along the line you will be relieved and proud that you took the decision to break it off. Do you want to live a life that will revolve totally around him, his dramas with his ex, battles over the kids.The ex might start denying him access at Christmas, birthdays etc. if she feels like it.He'll be paying child support and god knows what else so unless you're very fortunate money will be tight.He'll be depressed and self pitying and you'll have to be his his full time counsellor instead of his lover.What I'm saying is this guys got way too much baggage. He'll drain you hun. Just give it some more time and someone else will come along I promise.good luck
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (6 October 2009):
 You are doing the right thing by walking away. You have to protect yourself and your heart. He is not in the right state of mind to give you what you need.
Of course you will miss him, but in time you will forget and move on. Keep yourself busy and slowly you will forget.
By ending it with him, you will leave yourself open to finding the guy that will give you everything that you deserve. The reason you only have good times because it was the honeymoon phase. it's always good times. Think with your head. Do you really want a man who is turning to drinking to solve his problems? Be strong. Until he gets his life together than only then can you too have a chance. But it looks like he needs some alone time to find himself. Only he can do this. Good luck
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