A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im a chinese guy and i met this indian girl at work a year from now. i felt this strong bond with her so last month i asked her out and she felt same way so she became my gf. i know most indian parents want arranged marriage or people from the same ethnicity to marry their children. but she is the person i ever loved the most out from my heart and i dont want to lose her and just let it go like that. for me, she means the world because i am not every close with my family. until last week she asked her parents if she was allowed to date me and unfortunately it was a no no from her parents. since then we broke up and wasnt together as we was when we was bf and gf. she loves her parents more than anyone in the world and puts her parents first before anything else. i spoke to her and tried to convince her to fight for our love but she said our love wasnt deep enough for her to fight against her parents. also when she told her parents last week, she was given a warning that if she done something like this again, her parents would not give her freedom and choose her husband for her in an arranged marraige and she's not allowed to choose. i've heard stories of other indian women fighting for love over their parents. and its extra hard for me because i see her at work nearly everyday but i cant do anything for us to be together without making their parents angry.my question is: should i let go and be in pain in my heart every secondor should i keep trying to fight for her? but this way i could lose a good friend because she doesnt want to fight her parents but i would be fighting for my love?
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male
reader, kewuoygy  +, writes (11 October 2010):
Given that she's 24 and you are 19, and given that she seems to have made up her mind about putting her parents first, I am afraid to say that you don't have a future with her. You are madly in love, I understand perfectly, but a cooler head needs to prevail.
Stay being friends with her and waiting for her to change her mind is a non-starter, in my opinion. It is not just a matter of how long you can wait. It is more a matter of whether SHE can wait. Suppose you could wait for, say, 6 years. By then she would be 30 but you would only be 25. For women, the biological clock ticks louder at that age. Even if--it is a very big if--she herself could wait, her parents would definitely want her to marry--someone but not you. Are you going not to see anyone else in the next 6 years, just in the off-chance that she will defy her parents and land back into your arms in some indefinite future?
I understand this is difficult, but it's time for you to fall out of love with her. In time, love will blossom again.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): smong, if you are truly committed to her , just give her some time. i think she is scared. wants to please her (is it unreasonable??) parents , doesn't want to be a disobedient daughter. i think she loves you and that she knows in her heart she wants to be with you, just that the pressure is too much right now.
so give her some space. BUT DO NOT MOVE ON. meaning do not give her or her family ammunition to find fault and to use that against you. do not have sex with some one else while you give her space. but once you decide that it is OVER, and you TELL her, then move on freely. this girl and her family will not forgive you if you "betray" her while you are still showing interest.
if she is worth the pain, be in her life.
you have nothing to be ashamed of. your career will take off one day. you are actually blessed to even have a job in this economic climate, so be proud of yourself. if they cannot accpet you for who and what you are, then it is their loss.
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A
male
reader, smong +, writes (6 October 2009):
hi its the poster to this question again
i have asked her to get married to me, but she said no, that she has not known me long enough to spend the rest of her life with, and that i don't know her or understand her at all. but i believe she is just saying this because she wants me to get over her.
she also said that she will not go against her parents, even if they are her boyfriend, best friend etc
she even told me that she was upset we couldn't be together.
and yes i truly believe her parents is the obstacle. if she didn't ask her parents, we would definitely still be seeing each other.
a few days later i was asking her and telling her that if she didn't ask, we would still be together but she denied it and said she made the decision and felt that i was blaming just her parents and she didn't like it that way. i just feel that she is saying this to make me give up because she will not fight against her parents.
yes i want to prove to her parents that i am truly committed to this girl, but right now i don't think i have anything strong enough that will win over her parents decision. basically im working in a electronic retail chain, have a certificate in btec national business, looking for a better job at the moment. but it is so hard for me to find a decent, convincing job with only 1 years retail experience, and this btec business certificate. for me, my attributes doesn't seem strong enough to convince her parents that i can support her for the rest of her life.
i do see myself and want myself to be with her forever, till we are old, have grandchildren and all the experiences we could have together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): love should not have racial divides.
if you are really really in love with her, do not write her off yet. it will take time but she will have to make a decision.
perhaps her parents are concerned that you will use her and throw her away after the sex act and then she will be used goods for her potential hb. therefore they are so against your relationship. whatever the reasons, you need to show her parents that you are in for the long haul and that this girl is precious to you. perhaps even meet them face to face and spell out your good intentions.
cannot blame parents for wanting to protect their kids but when two people are meant to be together, no one should stand in their way.
you must be very sure what you want from this girl a long standing relationship with eventally marriage or mere "long friendship" with the perks of a committed realtionship. can you see yourself with this girl 10/20 years from now? if you cannot release her and release yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): hey im the poster to this question!
thanks for your replies, made me think twice and carefully about this situation.
well im 19, she is 24.
i am willing to marry her instantly.. i just get that feeling that we could be together forever, get married, have kids, build a family etc
and
she said she had made her decision not to go for me anymore and she said she is never going to turn back. she said she will never fight against her parents for anyone, even her besets friends because simply she loves her parents more than anyone in the world.
now her parents limit her in who she can date etc and she doesn't want to disobey her parents and then lose her freedom. i know people say about the english law and its 2009 but at the end of the day i cant use those factors to fight her parents because they would think im abusing them with government powers and laughing at their culture not being modern..
and clariss, you're right in saying to be friends and try to build a good relationship across the years and see if she does want me back but she said she doesn't date muslims, and she has a very close friend she had known for 7 years and they still aren't together. my thought is if she decided not to be with me, will i have to try 7 years and still not succeed :(
she is the love of my life.. i've never met someone this unique and loveable and so sweet..
maybe i could try and talk to her younger brother who is married to an indian woman and get him to convince their parents? i believe he married someone he loved, rather than an arranged marriage. should talk to him about love and relate it to me and her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): I am an Indian girl.Not all Indian families are so old fashioned. I am brought up in a city and my parents would never behave this way. But a lot of Indians from small towns,are old fashioned. Many youngsters have trouble to marry the person of their choice.Some of them manage to convince their parents while some get married against their parents' will. But after some days,things are fine.Sometimes relations are ruined forever.In your case,things are not easy. You love her a lot but does she feel the way for you. She may love you but does she love you the way you love her? Are you sure about her commitment?Everyone has problems in life but one has to overcome them to make your loved ones happy. Her parents' decision is like an obstacle.She has to overcome this to make you happy.If she truly loves you then she must bend over backwards to make you happy.There is only one way-marry her against her parents' wish. Will she do this for you?She will be with you if she truly loves you,Indian or not Indian.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): Hi
Ok, so I am someone from the Indian background and I know the amount of emotional blackmail that is heaped on to us from day one! Yeah, it gets very tough to break away but people do it! But then your girlfriend is too young to fight for her love and if she believes that the relationship wasn't strong enough for her to fight then there is little to say on this score!
However, you can be friends and that still gives you a shot at getting close to her heart. Be glad that she hasn't cut you off right away!
As for your heartburn, well, I suggest that you give it some time. The more you think of what you could have, the more it will hurt. Focus on what you have right now! Besides, why do you need her to fight her parents? Are you willing to marry her instantly? I think you are both too young and in now way emotionally mature. I understand your anger and your frustration. It is natural. (I suffer from the same issue, except in my case it is my boyfriend who is under parental pressure!!).
Besides, being her friend will give you a shot at getting close to her heart. She hasn't said that she will never fight, she has just said that the relationship isn't strong enough for her to fight. Once she knows that you will love her as much, even without being in a relationship, perhaps she will summon the courage to fight her parents. Right now, you should put your anger aside and think about building up a strong friendship with her! As a friend, you are in a better position to influence her life etc. And strong relationships are built over years, so build one. And yes, I think with time you should move on. If she doesn't have two thoughts about choosing her parents over you, then well, you know where you stand, right?
No point wanting someone who doesn't want to be wanted!!
TAke Care :)
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (6 October 2009):
 don't push it but prove yourself worthy. Get an apartment and be COMPLETELY independent and self-reliant. Also check the law books. I don't think they can tell her what to do under English law. I know in the good ol' USA they'd be getting their asses kicked.
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A
male
reader, miamiheat31 +, writes (6 October 2009):
I am willing to bet 1 million dollars you have not had sex with this girl yet. As a girl who would have already have sex with you would not give such an answer. So honestly, have you been intimate with her yet? If not, try having sex with her and then see if her answer is the same.
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