A
male
age
36-40,
*DS101
writes:Hi everyone. I have a huge shot in the heart right now and its been two weeks and still feel the same pain from the moment it happened. The final result before you all read the story is that she emailed me and said she wants to be friends, that she cares about me, and that she no longer can accept the awesome treatment I give her if I am doing this with the intent of us becoming more than friends and that her emotions towards me are not the same as the one I have towards her and she cant help that ?So I basically met her five months ago. We met at University at an event. She caught my eye yet I noticed her from before in other classes earlier in my University career. I began talking to her and we exchanged contact info to get together to study together. We then later met a few times to study and I helped her with some of her school work. I began asking to see her, and we did that, and early in our meet ups, I told her I was interested in her, but she replied with let me think about it cause she had a bad experience before and that she was really picky. I obviously said sure, ok, no prob. Ill talk to you later. In my mind I was like WTF does she mean by picky?Sometime passed and we texted while exams got underway. After exams, we started to hang out again. I would pick her up from her place, always, and will always open the door for her, and do gentlemen things because that is who I am, I am not a bad boy, just a nice guy. She told me she was sick two weeks ago. The next day, I called her and she felt better to go see a movie. I brought her a beautiful bouquet of flowers to cheer her up, and they did. In fact, the next day, she texted me that they were her new favourite. She got really sick the next week, so I “douchebagedly” made her soup and food, put it in a nice bag and brought it over for her. A couple of days come by and we hang out for the morning and do the regular talking and hanging out. As I was driving her home In the car, she was complaining to me about her best friends boyfriend and his awful behavior towards her best friend. I asked how girls wanted to be treated, and she said the way I treat her, any girl would be very happy. This boosted my confidence in our merging path and sparked the idea in my head that she already thought about my question of us being a couple earlier a few months ago.Anyways, the next day rolls up, and later in the evening, I texted her to see what she was up to, and she told me she wasn’t feeling well and that her mother was coming over to aid her. Two hours later, I open my email to the most devastating thing I ever experienced. She started off saying how great a guy I am and appreciates everything I do. She then owns me by giving the biggest Epic Fail by saying she just wants to be friends and the whole bunch I mentioned in the first paragraph. It literally came out of no-where, I threw up because when I get anxiety and stress, that’s what happens. I lost sleep and consistently think about her. That night I got the email, I emailed her back with a really detailed email. I concluded by respecting her wishes of wanting to be friends and such.The next day, she texts me saying she read the email, loved it since it was written with such meaning and perfection, that she cried, and that she was happy. I personally think the happy part is bull, just another word for relief. Anyways, we haven’t spoken since. It’s been 10 days now. She went out of town to see her relatives. I still only think about her, I feel that I actually loved her and still do, but I just can’t be just a friend because I will always want her, and it really pisses me off to think she’s with someone else. She told me most of her friends are guys, so I don’t want to be part of that friends list. I want her to be mine, and not just a friend. She knows how I feel too. Any advice as to what to do? Since I haven’t messaged her, the ball is in her court to at least ask about me.we both graduated this year, we are 23, so I know this is not some puppy love, because I actually care about her.
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male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that, based on how strongly her rejection affected you, that you had done many things (perhaps without even realizing it) that were making it extremely obvious how strong your feelings for her were. And most likely you made that way too clear before she had an opportunity to decide how she felt.brbrAnd there is also the matter of people always desiring that which they can't have. 90% of the time, when someone realizes that they can have something without having to work for it in any way, they will probably not want it nearly as much as if they did have to work for it.brbrBut cheer up, brother! We have ALL done this before. It stings, it sucks, and we hate to admit that we ruined a chance by trying too hard, too soon. But it is what it is. It can't be undone.brbrI agree with what another post said that the best thing you can do is move on. I hope this doesn't give you false hope, but you have about a 5% chance of her eventually changing her mind and desiring (which is really what yo crave) you. And the absolute only way for that to ever happen is if you move on. And I mean REALLY move on.brbrWhen you have really moved on, you will be okay with her being with someone else, and you will be open to being with someone else yourself. Those are two of the most powerful litmus tests for whether you really have moved on or not. And BELIEVE ME, she will be able to tell if you have really moved on.brbrDon't lie to yourself, or fake it, and wait a month before you start trying again. She will know.brbrGo listen to Death Cab for Cutie, find a few new hangouts. Learn this hard lesson and grow from it. Honestly, you may also be somewhat of a love addict. I would suggest you look up what it is to be a love addict. Learn a little bit about why you ended up where you did. And if you are really serious about figuring these things out, go buy a book called, "Facing Love Addiction", by Pia Mellody.brbrSo much of what you are describing I went through many years ago, and when I read that book so many things finally made sense. I learned a lot, and I can tell you might be helped as well.brbrI hope the best for you!
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (24 May 2011):
You have been relegated to the dreaded "friend zone." Once that happens, it's time to move on. Otherwise, you are going to make it worse for yourself by pining away for someone you can't have. The girl was decent enough to tell you where her head is at. So, respect that. Move on. And, don't do the "let's be friends" routine with her. That's nothing but a surefire way to extend your heartache, boost her ego, and keep you mired in the past. It will make you miserable. Don't do it. Get on with your life (without her in it). Learn from this experience and you will ultimately get with someone who wants to be with you (and vice-versa). Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Picky means that just by being a nice guy is not enough.
When it comes to picking a mate, the decision is more emotional and instinctual. It's true that girls want to be fed, given flowers. These are things you do after you know each other well and are sure of your position in the relationship. When you give out too soon it gives a message that you would do anything just to get a girlfriend, like it could be any one.
When it comes to rejecting guys, I am a mean bitch. I won't even bother saying we are friends. I just tell him the truth that I have someone else let not waste each other's time. Nothing will ever change my mind. I would tell him though the right person would come along. She is trying to sound negative, like she had a bad experience, her friends have bad experience, it's difficult to make her happy, etc. Actually it's a signal that she is not interested. A girl who's interested will be more receptive and cheerful. It could be that she already had a guy in mind and he beat you to it.
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