A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please forgive the long text but I need some help as sometimes I feel I am going crazy.My husband recently divorced me after 16 years saying that he was very unhappy, we had no common interests and that I had withheld love and affection whereas in effect he had been having (yet another) affair and just wanted to be with another woman. I fought and fought the divorce costing me tens of thousands until my lawyer took me in hand and said just give it to him or you'll be bankrupt and he'll get one in the end anyway. The whole process has made me mentally ill and since he has gone I have behaved like a crazy woman threatening him, making a pain of myself, being very difficult with the children etc. I got a very good financial settlement but I am unable to move on from this and I still feel intense anger towards him and what he has done in breaking up the family home. The things he has said about me have hurt me because they are untrue - he just wanted to leave because he had met someone else. He now leaves us totally alone which is the best thing for us all but I still cannot forgive or forget what he has done to us by leaving. I work and have friends but I just cannot move on mentally because deep down I still want him back. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (17 October 2008):
 Your life WITH your husband didn't sound too rosy to begin with having no common interests and him having yet "another" affair. It sounds to me as if you feel you "needed" him and were very dependent on him to be around no matter how bad things got between you. I AM a Counsellor and Life Coach and deal with people with similar problems like yours every day. If you want to email me here at Dear Cupid then I'd be happy to talk with you privately and in more detail about this and help you to move on. I know things seem bleak to you at the moment because everything is so raw and so different but you will be able to move on and I would be happy to help you do so.
~Eve~
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): You poor dear, of course you are hurt/upset/angry. I went through a divorce for similar reasons, and you go through a whole range of emotions. Ok, first of all, you need to realize that you are going to hurt for a very long time. Its not going to go away overnight. It won't be easy to move on, but you CAN do it, and you must for the sake of your children, and yourself. Why don't you consider seeing some sort of a counselor? Someone that you can just let all your feelings out on and you don't have to worry about them thinking anything badly about you. Of course you can talk to friends, co-workers, family..but they all have their own opinons, and sometimes people can be cruel, even though they think they are helping. I hope you understand what I mean. Sweetie, you may never really truly be able to forgive or forget what happened, but try to take it one day at a time, and go on because that's what you have to do. Your children need you, and that has to be what you focus on. Throw yourself into something that will give you some sort of peace, comfort ect. join a new group, get a new hobby (yoga, meditation, ect..are wonderful!).Involve yourself with your children, they must be very hurt and confused too. Let him go. You really don't want him, so let the jerk go. Don't destroy yourself because of him, he isn't worth it. When you start feeling really badly, remember its ok to be upset, angry, but don't let it destroy you. It will take time but I PROMISE you that you can do it. Don't shortchange yourself. From someone who has been there, done that, and living to tell about it. And you know what? One day, you will be able to look back and realize that he did you a favour. PROMISE!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): I have to ask was the marriage happy/healthy? Because if it wasn't how can you blame him for wanting out. I know you didn't want him to keep cheating on you. He obviously wanted out. Are the children adults?Sometimes if things aren't working it's best to call it quits. People change and things change. Maybe he's not the same person you married and vis versa. My husband left me for another woman and even had a child by her. Yeah I was heartbroken considering I had stopped everything in my life to be with this man and be about the right thing. But the reality is it still happened. I had to adjust myself to him not being home when I got there and the whold 9 yards, but you know what I got over it. Now granted we weren't together as long as you and your husband but it was long enough. The truth is now I'm seeing a guy who has been in a relationship for 15yrs on and off, and is asking me do I want him to leave his girlfriend. But you know what my answer to that is "NO." I think first of all he should be the one to make that decision and I don't want to be the reason he does. My husband did it to me so I definitely don't want to do it to another woman. I'm just glad they are not married and don't have any children together. But you can actually tell he's scared of commitment or something because he still haven't married her.My advice would be just hang in there and don't give him any attention. Make him wonder what you are doing. This will really drive him crazy (if he has any feelings left at all for you). Of course he'll act like he doesn't for a while but eventually he'll start wondering (especially when the new girlfriend gets old to him). You two were together to long for him to not think about you. But again maybe it's really over between you two, and that's something you're going to have to tell yourself. Always prepare yourself for the worse. I know you're a good woman, trust me you'll find someone else to spend your time with. For the record it took my husband over a year to even act like he still had interest in me, and by that time he had been with several women and I was no longer interested. We get our divorce finalized this January. We've been separated for 2yrs. Keep your head up this too shall pass. Best Hopes
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