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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I were having a frank discussion the other night, and I asked her if there was anyone besides me that she fantasized about having sex with. She didn't want to tell me, but I forced the issue because I felt like she was hiding something. Finally she admitted to having fantasies about a guy she knows from work! I feel betrayed and hurt. I don't think she would really do something with this guy, but just the fact that she thinks about him drives me insane with anger and jealousy. Now I have to worry about her seeing that guy every single day when she goes to work, and I want her to tell me every time she sees him and what they talked about. How can I learn to trust her again? She did cheat on me once right after we got together about three years ago.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): Most people can shrug off the fantasy of having their partner want to be sexual with a famous movie star or a total stranger, because the chances of that fantasy ever becoming reality are quite small. In comparison, the fantasy that is most difficult to discuss is the one about a close friend, a workmate or someone they both know. This fantasy seems to cause the greatest insecurities in the other partner. Yet, having sexual thoughts about lots of people is normal. Acting out on thoughts (while normal) does not always follow fantasy. The difference between fantasy and reality is behavior. In fact, usually if a partner is willing to take the risk to tell you about their 'fantasy' and risk your jealousy, they are coming to you because they trust you and want to get closer with you. They are not doing this because they are going to act on their behavior..so stop your darn worrying, guy!
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female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (5 October 2005):
 This is what often happens in relationships . . . you think you want to know something then, once you do, you realise that ignorance WAS bliss.
But everyone has fantasies and just because she's with you doesn't mean hers go away. Don't tell me you don't have any (wink wink!). I know it's harder that it's someone she knows, as opposed to a famous person but you have to let it go. Fantasies are just that . . they will never happen and most of the time, we don't really want them to happen because they're never as good as we expected!
Don't let something like this drag you apart, let it go and get on with it. Show her the best sex she's ever had so she's got no room in her mind left to fantasise! Haha. Good luck:)
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (5 October 2005):
 I think it would just be a whole lot easier if people had fantasies only about each other but that is in the ideal world.
I think GISELA is right and I feel the same; I don't have fantasies about anyone other than my boyfriend because I am happy and in love with him and I don't have the need to think about anyone else.
I don't normally state how I feel as it isn't professional but I think this runs parallel to the porn issue. If you are really happy with someone, why would you look at porn or fantasise about someone else? Sorry POPS and Bev, I understand it being normal but is it normal in a healthy, loving relationship? Its a difficult one and is linked to a person's low self-esteem and confidence and feelings of doubt.
The fact that your girlfriend has been unfaithful doesn't help. I can understand how you feel; this must be a nightmare now for you, especially as it is a man she works with!
Ask her again how she really feels, find reassurance from her that she wouldn't do anything with him. Learn to find ways to trust her by enlisting her support in doing so. Open the communciation channels and find ways to spice up your love life.
She would feel this way too if you had fantasies about the neighbour! Try not to be too pushy with her or too hard on her but do talk and talk well.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 October 2005):
 This is why you never "force the issue" with someone you care about, when it comes to matters of what goes on inside her head.You thought "she was hiding something", and now you know what it was. Do you feel better for knowing? No. Does she feel better for being forced to admit it? No. It's a lose-lose situation that never should have come up.Next time you're tempted to "force" your girlfriend to admit what goes on in the privacy of her own mind (and think about this: how many women have you fantasised about that you haven't admitted to?), I think you should stop and remind yourself that every person is entitled to their private thoughts. Thinking sexy thoughts about another person beside your partner DOES NOT constitute cheating on that person, any more than thinking about beer constitutes getting drunk.You sound too controlling and obsessive, kiddo. Your girlfriend is a free person too, and allowed to have fantasies that you don't know about. Learn to relax and trust your girlfriend, or move on and do both of you a favour.
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reader, pops +, writes (5 October 2005):
grow up !!! What does he have that you don't? And if he is such a danger, why is she still going home with you? If you keep up this insecurity routine, she will be the one asking, why am I still going home with you? Get to work on your low self esteem. Get professional help . Your job in your marriage is to pleasure you wife, and hers is to pleasure you. That what adult sex is about - play. Its suppose to be fun. That means laughs, not a war ! You should be proud that she was able and willing to tell you her fantasy, and not obsess over it. Trust her, before you lose her.Many a woman has given up trying to please a man who just won't believe her or trust her. Jealousy is the most devisive emotion and the most destructive emotion you can have. Its the poison pill of relationship. And, its simply the express of your own self doubts. If you don't like yourself, that is your problem. Don't dump it on the people around you that love you. Deal with it, and get over it, Keep your mouth shut about her co-worker.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): its your own fault. deal with it. hard lesson to learn, if you don't want the answer then don't ask the question.
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female
reader, GISELA +, writes (4 October 2005):
I think that you should ask her why is she with you and try to find out whether she is deeply in love with you or she is just comfortable with you... For myself if I really love someone I don't need to fantasize about another block, I would only do so if I have problems and the guy that I'm with starts being an idiot or a mean person. But maybe she finds something in that guy at work that you don't have. It's important to keep the magic in your relationship and nurture it everyday. Otherwise if you fall into a routine and don't make things special with enthusiasm like at the begining the magic and love fades away and then she starts to look for excitement outside the relationship. Anyway, hope that your girlfriend forgets about this guy and you organize something really special for her to help the situation. If it doesn't work maybe the right person for you is waiting somewhere else in an unexpected moment... Good Luck.
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reader, kelly16 +, writes (4 October 2005):
Firstly get these thoughts out of ur head or its gona drive u wild, wondering wot she's getting up 2 while ur not with her, secondly haven't u ever seen a girl on the street or sum1 u know and had fantasies about them coz if u have then it's the exact same thng, apart frm she works with him. U sudn have forced the issue out of her, i bet u wished u hadn't of bugged her 2 know now, stop getting jelous over nothing wot she's described 2 u is jus a sexual fantasy, u have no prove 2 suggest she's having sex with him or even going 2, talk ur feelings thru 2 her she needs 2 no how ur feeling, so she can put ur mind at rest.x
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