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male
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anonymous
writes: I split up with my partner of 4 years 6 months ago because he wanted an open relationship which I tried but couldn't deal with.I moved back to my own flat and continued to see him as a friend which was often strained because he wanted me back. He handled the split very badly and made me feel bad for not giving the relationship another chance. He tried everything he could to win me back and eventually I agreed to try again because I was so impressed by his persistance. He has changed for the better and I've no doubt that he loves me to bits but the trouble is that I regret agreeing to try again because I realise now that I don't want to be with him anymore. So I find myself in a relationship I don't want to be in because I cannot bear the thought of hurting him even more so than I did the first time I left him. Despite everything, I love him very much but I was happier pursuing a single life and now I want that back. I just cannot live with the responsibility of breaking his heart again. What can I do?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (4 October 2005):
 It is not your responsibility if his heart is hurt. In fact, staying with him while you feel this way is worse. He has a right to be set free and find what he is looking for.
I am not so sure that he even really is as in love with you as you say since he seems to be reacting to the rejection more that losing you. Why else would he want to open up the relationship? To make you feel special? To cause chaos? To push the limits ( if he generally is addicted to a rush then this is probably true.)
Also, the dynamic might be more than you realize. Do you need the power rush of being chased? Do you need the rush of the chaos and now do you feel nothing because things are settling down?
All things to consider. What would be good is for you to leave and insist on no contact. If you want to be friends then you might be enjoying the power you have over him. If you truly ever did love him (or do), you need to allow him the space to move on. Friendship might be possible but not for a long, long time (years even).
Either way, do not jump into anything else with out doing a relationship post mortem. Learn your lessons and change yourself for the future. He can take care of himself but try to allow him to do so and give him the respectful distance to do so. Do not even allow him to know your number.
I just really have to say that any guy that wants to have others and you at the same time is trouble. Any girl willing to try it, is not in love or is seriously insecure. Why share and insist on insecure love.
Just get this all in your past and discover your own set of boundaries that you can live with. It will make you free and happy.
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