A
female
age
41-50,
*prizefool
writes:I need advice. I had a wonderful relatively new relationship and I messed up. we had an almighty argument. I said things bang out of order, he gave back, so I said things worse. It was awful, and sadly all done by text. It was out first ever argument.Anyway I did the full apology with the flowers and chocolates and a card saying I truly was sorry. I expected to be left on the doorstep and was okay when he shut the door in my face, I deserved it.He texted to say thankyou for the gesture, he forgives me but it's over. I texted back to say I understand, I deserve it and that I didnt ask for a second chance because such things are his choice, but that I thought he is amazing and that I would give anything for another go and would feel like the luckiest person alive.He hasn't answered and I am unsure that he ever will, he is a kind and gentle man, highly intelligence, interesting, exceptional company which I miss so badly. I dare not try to say anything else to him because I don't want to stress him, I believe he should be able to make his own choices without influence. But all this is killing me.I have been given sleeping tablets because I wake up in stress, really feeling as though I'm choking, I know the anxiety is getting to me. I aren't eating right, I cant concentrate and I am in complete distress, often thinking of scenarios of ending everything, punishing myself for good, not like a drama queen, I honestly believe that's what I deserve. I just want him, but not as a selfish reason, I honestly believe that we could make it and things would be so good. I would like to do everything right for him and make him happy. What can I honestly do? I am in turmoil, I daren't approach him, but I ache for him. I know I can't change his mind by 'begging' but can I do anything more than I already have? I feel such a fool, how could I have been so stupid?[Moderator's note: It may be useful if you could add what are the hurtful things that you said to him and bring more details about the argument, what lead to it, etc. Thanks.]
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (26 February 2009):
 Without knowing more [as the moderator has commented] on the actual words and context of your "fight", let me just share with you a little bit of my past (but still recent) experience.
Men, as well as women, can be the victims of verbal abuse. The first time my [now ex-] partner did it, I had a gut feeling that it would be a recurring "theme". Sure enough, it was. He did it 3-4 more times after that first time, and already it was gnawing at my "self-worth". Suffice it to say, I got out of the relationship to save myself.
The question that I have for you, is whether or not you recognized that (1) you were verbally abusive to him ... particularly if you started it .. and (b) you are aware that this may recur .. aka habitual abuser ...
He may have been well aware of those points above, and had the sense to get out of it before he got too attached to you.
But, on the other hand, he could just be as moody and "explosive" as you are!
I'd give it some time if I were you. In the meantime, you might want to reflect upon yourself on what lessons learnt from this, and you would turn this experience into something positive to make you a better person, for yourself as well as for others,
Good luck!
Cat
A
female
reader, aprizefool +, writes (26 February 2009):
aprizefool is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt started initially cos I said I was unhappy with being slotted into his weekend for a few hours. I was seriously jet-lagged, I had just come back from an arctic expedition. badly PMT'd and incredibly tired. But that's no excuse I was wrong.It wasnt his fault, he had things to do, but what he actually said, was that he was having a 'late one' cos he was playing poker with his mates. I took reall offence and told him not to bother coming around at all. He didnt talk to me so I texted to say can we arrange something more substatial than a 'pathetic' (yes I regret that) couple of hours. He then sent a text saying I was messing him around, I was a bully, selfish, wierd and just like all the other women. So I sent one back with some terrible language saying he was a sad act and that he was nasty and that he was a 'compo' (Yorkshire 'Last of the Summer Wine' reference. I I smelt a break-up and wanted to get in there fist so I sent him a text saying get lost. He sent one back saying I was showing my true class (I actually live in an upper-class neighbourhood not far from where he grew up, but I never behave like a snob, my ethics are people work hard and it pays off) So I sent one back saying he contacts me again I'll take it to the police. I said that cos I was sick of him being nasty, I was very very angry. See how stupid I have been?
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