A
male
age
41-50,
*CAD
writes:Dear Cupid, My wifew and I have been under alot of stress since my accident 2 years ago , we just recently went through depositions for our case, which is hard for us. Yesterday we got into a big fight and she wanted me to express to her what was wrong with me and I just clammed up, then the fight got heated and we accused each other of cheating, she lied to me and said she had cheated 2 times on me (she didn't really she was just trying to get a response out of me), well I lost it. I grabbed her by her throat and choked her, I screamed in her face that I was sick of her and fed up with her and I wanted her to leave. She didn't of course and I am glad but now she feels she deserves what happened to her. I hit her before back in February during a huge fight too. She alsways says she deserves what she got. I think it's because I told her she was just like my mom when my mom would not leave my dad alone he beat on her. Does this mean I am going to end up like my parents? I wish I could take hitting my wife back but I can't. She swears it's her fault and won't leave me Reply to this Question
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (4 November 2009):
 Here is a question.
If someone got in your face. Say it was me?
6'3" 235 single digit body fat % and 2 years of muay thai and jiu jitsu.
Would you hit me and *TRY* to choke me?
I highly, highly, highly, doubt you would try anything even if I was pushing you around.
Point being, you are a bully.
You need to leave if you want any shred of your dignity to be preserved.
And no, I am not being macho, I am simply making a point.
A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (3 July 2009):
Hi,I would like to start by saying good for you for taking responsibility for your behaviour. You're spot on when you say your wife does not deserve to be treated this way and you know this inside because you feel guilt. All you need to do is to learn some new skills when you feel frustrated an injustice or stress. There will probably be some support needed for your wife so she can learn what your triggers are. Many Men who hit their wives will blame their wives and in your case with your wife blaming herself would make it a sinch for you to do this and not take responsibility. You on the other hand are being responsible and wanting to do something about it, and good for you. I encourage you to get help now, you will feel more in control of yourself and your wife and relationship will reap the benefits also. The fact that you both have been under stress since your accident will have a huge bearing on it and it simply means that you are both needing support to deal with this stress. It seems to me that she is wanting you to express your feelings to her more, be more emotionally intimate. By you clamming up, she has felt rejected and provoked you to respond. She sure got a reaction. It sounds to me that there is some emotional abuse occuring also - you clamming up and she provoking a reaction from you. These things too can be dealt with in counselling. Telling your partner you have cheated on them when you haven't is most certainly emotional abuse and would get a reaction from most people, yet does not deserve a physical response. There is no excuse or justification for hitting, you may be entitled to be pissed off but you are not justified to hit. Because you have hit her before, I suggest you definitely get some support. People can accidently be killed from these types of things. There are Men's groups out there (google steve Biddulph)that can help and also the local domestic violence centres always welcome men who want to take responsibility for themselves, in fact they welcome you with open arms. I'm afraid to say... you have ended up like your Parents yet you have the choice to stop it. As I believe, the Men's groups explore Manhood, how you were Parented and your relationship with your Father. It is done in a non confrontational way and you will find you are not alone. You will also develop friendships with like minded people and receive the support it sounds as though you need. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you just need to find out the underlying issue behind it and you may just find that you haven't had the male role model you needed when you were a boy. I challenge you to listen to yourself and address these behaviours so you can be the Man you know you can be. I wished there were more Men out there like you who are willing to take responsibility for their behaviour. I wish you all the best and although I don't support you hitting your wife, I take my hat off to you for taking responsibility for it, admitting it and trying to get help for it. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Really? Wow for one you don't hit your wife. If my Husband where to hit me I'd go after him with a baseball bat. A real man dose not need to beat up those weaker than him. And I can see that you're man enough to say you made a mistake, but the best thing for you right now is to professional help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): First of all you obviously need help (counseling). Abuse like that would cause some women to think that they do deserve it when in fact no one does...which is why more than often it is not reported. But I guess the only good part is that you do realize your error...although I feel very sorry for her, that mental damage will run deep into her. I find it sad that she has to resort to those type of things to get an answer out of you but I hope you both get counseling and can work on it together.
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