A
male
age
30-35,
*rD
writes:I have been with my ex for almost 4 years. We were 17 ans 16 I know this is young but it was perfect. We have had our ups and downs. But our love has always won. We got our apartment in January of this year. We ended up getting into a fight and I hit her. Over the past 5 months I hit her about 2 times a month. She kept forgiving me and I ended up getting angry and doing it again. I have had a lot of things happen in my life and I feel I was letting it on her. So the last time I hit her was on Friday after that I cried and spilled out everything. She said she loves me and we should find a psychologist. I spoke to him and confronted my dad and let everything out. After this we went to dinner had unprotected sex the next 2 night. The next day I get home and she says she can't forgive me. And wants to split up. At this point her family knows and hates me and I think I have lost her forever. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did but I was doing my best to make changes and its too late. All she ever did was love me and I let my past hurt me now. But now I know that's not an excuse. Her sister told me to stay away or I'm dead. And at this point she doesn't seem like I will get another chance. I'm not sure how I have to go about this but i have to show her I'm getting help and becoming a better person. What can I do for her to see it
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my ex, split up, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MrD +, writes (19 May 2011):
MrD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChlo its ok that you are coming on strong. I was wrong and deserve it. I look at it and hoping she is pregnant is wrong but i really feel im becoming better. So i really feel i can do right. None of you nor her has any reason to believe me. I already told her i want to earn a chance not given one. As far as the sex both nights she came onto me she didnt seem scared or anything. Im getting to the point were im think she wont give me a chance and if thats what it is its on me 100%
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Hoping she is pregnant so you still have some sort of line back into her life? You sound exactly like the vile sneaky sort of selfish partners all women try to avoid. You'd be happy to see her have your child, scared, young and on her own, just so you could pry your way back into her life. I hope to God that she isn't pregnant so she can wash her hands of you for good. The unprotected sex issue just shows even more how much you don't care for her. She probably only let you as she was too scared to object. I don't care if I'm coming on strong, I've been at the hands of a vile abusive individual like yourself and turning my back on him was the best thing I ever did. Get yourself right with the help of your councillor, then leave her the hell alone and try and start afresh on your own.
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A
male
reader, MrD +, writes (19 May 2011):
MrD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm really focused on doing better now so baby or not I thank you guys for the comments now its time to do my partThanks guys
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 IF she is pregnant, you have to truly dedicate yourself to changing, mind, body and soul. IF she is pregnant, she could still decide to raise it without you, after all, in the case of many victims of abuse, they are discouraged from allowing the child near the abuser and I think her family might see to it that you stay away from the child. Don't worry about a child just yet. Focus on changing yourself for the better first.I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Would it help if you told us the things out there that make you angry enough to lash out at her?There are a lot of angry people in this world. We all have to learn to direct it away from the people and things we love. It's not a cliche' that we often hurt the ones we love dearest.
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A
male
reader, MrD +, writes (19 May 2011):
MrD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to make her to be happy and the person I am now can't make her happy hopefully she can see that I'm trying one day she will give me a chance
Next Tuesday I have counseling and then am am taking my name off the lease getting my stuff and leaving. The only thing I worried about is what of she is pregnant. I still want her and a family but I don't know of I can handle having a child with her and still be apart. But I find myself hopeing she is pregnant since it couldn't be my last shot.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (19 May 2011):
To be completely honest, even though becoming a better person with more self-control is something you need to do, I doubt it will ever bring her back. Each hit damages more than just a person's body, it damages that person's trust in you and in other people, it damages her self-esteem, her self-confidence. I wouldn't be surprised if she was beginning to question herself right now, as many victims of physical abuse do, they start asking themselves if they deserved to be treated that way.Do you think she would ever take back the man who caused her that much pain? You have to realize that right now, you aren't just an angry person, you are an abusive one and abusive people are not complicated, just violent and manipulative at times. I noticed in your post that you began to form excuses and then admitted you were in the wrong, which is a very good start but it means nothing unless you realize that there is still much more to do and it may take a long time.If you truly love her so deeply, if the love you had meant anything to you, you have to let her be happy and leave her alone. If she sees you again, you have to realize that the memories of those times you hit her will rush back and what wounds she might have began healing will start opening up again. She admitted that she cannot forgive you and that means no matter how much you try, she will never forget and there will always be that doubt and fear if she ever did decide to be with you again. But now you know the consequences of hurting someone and you bear the burden of that, its painful but at least you know now and let that drive you to be a better person so nothing like that ever happens again.In time, perhaps you could apologize to her family, tell them you are truly sorry for hurting their daughter/sister then maybe you could ask that they tell her how sorry you are just so you can spare her the burden of seeing the man who hurt her. Strive to be better and maybe you can move on.I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): I am with you my brother. I just found it odd. Many people who actively seek to judge are no where near free from wrong doing. Folks who would never physically abuse and are quick to condemn people who have, are guilty of emotional abuse of loved ones. If we are granted a long life there are ends ahead of us that are impossible to see in the beginning.You have done what you have done. You are actively engaged in redeeming yourself. This is where you continue to improve yourself and hope that she sees and approves of this improvement and let's gives you another chance. And if not you will be a better you for you and others as your life continues to unfold. BBQ
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A
male
reader, MrD +, writes (19 May 2011):
MrD is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI pointed out the unprotected part because that was one of the things that made me feel she was willing to stay with me since I'm getting help and as far as the help I have been talking to a counselor and I have even been preying I lost my faith a long time ago but it just felt like it was time I.know I'm wrong and all the talk means nothing I just want her to see that I'm trying
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): One hit is one too many. But you are a repeat offender. You can rationalize all you want about her bearing the brunt of unhappiness in other areas of your life, but the fact remains that you took it out on her.
The oddest thing I took from your post was that you had to let us know that the sex you had with her was unprotected. I can't tell you why that raises a red flag for me, but it does. You could have let us know in other ways that there is some semblance of trust remaining, but you were compelled to tell us in terms of sex and that it was unprotected.
You need to sort through this on your own and hope she is there after.
BBQ
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 The best thing that you can do now is to stay away from her. I know it is hard but picture it from her familys point of view, you have been violent to there child/sister/ niece and that wont go down well. I am guessing you have had a rough past but that doesnt excuse you for hitting a woman, there is nothing you can blame that on.
You want to show her that you are getting help and trying your best?? Well what exactly have you done to get help? You need to contact your local GP and tell him your story he will be able to forward you on to anger management or some other similar group. You need to deal with this problem now. A therapist is also a good idea if there is something in your past that is making you violent you need to get it off your chest. So make appointments and attend them until you start to progress in them, after a while write to your ex partner and tell her everything you have been doing to get help and see if this helps her change her mind.
If I am honest though sometimes when a guy is violent they dont get second chances therefore you may need to accept that she will never come back to you and move on.
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