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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I feel pretty dumb but hear me out. This classmate of mine and I were out to lunch on campus. She forgot her wallet so I insisted on buying her coffee and a soup from the salad bar. It wasn't that expensive but that's not the point. She seemed greatful thanked me and said she would buy something for me next time. So two days later we are at the same place, she pulls out her card and doesn't even mention treating me, just pays for her own food... Okay, cool maybe she forgot. But this OTHER guy classmate of mine came to class from a workout without eating anything because he forgot his wallet... I felt bad and offered him cash and he asked for three dollars so I gave him a five. He brought back two and promised to pay me back and never did. I don't get it. I'm sure they didn't just forget ... Am I the gullible one or are they the moochers? I basically got duped for 10 dollars :/ it makes me feel like never being nice again. Not because I expect something back but because i just find it rude :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 I would simply stop trying to save people from themselves. Learn the art of silence. You can listen with compassion but it doesn't mean you need to open up your wallet to people who are perfectly capable of taking care of their own meal needs.
Say, "sorry to hear that" and then.... be silent. Do not offer to pay for someone's meal. Do not rush in to fill the void. It's not your problem to fix. Practice smiling gently while keeping your mouth closed. Say nothing. Look busy with something else, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or to make a phone call if you can't stand the tension.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2012):
 If you feed them when they look at you with sadness and hunger they will never learn to feed themselves honey.
offer them a fry or something but not a full meal
and stop trying to save the world... the only part of the world you need to worry about its your part...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the helpful advice. It really helped clear up the situation for me and yes tisha is right, I can be a people pleaser sometimes. I'm not proud of it but I can be suckered out of money/rides/ food whatever, quite easily. Someone can just look at me with sadness or hunger and I will immediately offer... And I can't say no. Any advice for that? :( you've been great, all of you, thank you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2012):
OP, I read your post yesterday and I didn't quite know what to say but after Tisha pointed out that you OFFERED I can say this.
USE it as a learning experience and stop offering.
I know you want your friends to be happy and healthy but no one died from missing ONE meal and there are water fountains around so they won't dehydrate.
It's lousy to sit there and eat and drink in front of folks but if you INSIST on buying something for someone you can't expect them to pay you back.....
IF they ASK "can I borrow" well then that's a different story... I'd say "sure can you repay me on XXXXXX?" whey they say "sure" say ... "great I'll send you a text to remind you... I know I would forget"
in fact, when I borrow from friends, I always say "DON'T let me forget that I owe you money... I always forget"
and i do... I have ADHD and I forget lots of stuff.... so I don't get bent out of shape when reminded of debts and stuff I owe.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Learn from your mistakes and stop offering money to others. It just leaves a bad after taste when people don't bother to return what they've borrowed. Anyway, what you can do now is that the next time you go out with these people, say that you're short on cash and then see what they say. If they offer to pay, let them. If they don't, its a lesson learned. A soup and a cup of coffee doesn't cost much so maybe you can afford to let it go but take it as a lesson. Don't pay for other people and if you do, make sure that you talk to them about paying it back because you need the money.
Case in point: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-loaned-my-friends-some-money-for-a46.html
The OP was cheated by her so called friends who refused to pay up and only after a LOT of persuasion and reminders did they pay her back. But why go through so much unpleasantness? Remember, neither borrow nor lend. And if you really feel bad for someone and want to help them, then dont expect a return because most people wont return favours. Sadly that's how it is.
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (18 September 2012):
Not only did she never buy me food once to repay me for the hundreds of dollars I spent on my plan to ensure she didn't starve to death, she told me that she never had any intention of repaying my kindness. It didn't matter to her that I had to stretch less than $100 for a month's worth of overpriced food. She was truly a nasty selfish person and is the reason I haven't allowed an acquaintance to borrow money from me in ten years.
To try and get your money back, please act casual and confident. Act like you need the money back to get something to eat. Any normal person who is not a selfish monster like my ex-roomate, will repay the favor that you did for him/her. It is human to empathize with someone who is hungry. As long as you mention you are short on cash, hungry, and ask that they repay te favor, you should be able to get what is owed to you.
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female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (18 September 2012):
As far as the girl is considered, the next time you go together to get food, mention casually that you are a bit short on money today and ask if she can pay.
As far as the guy is concerned, he might just think, 'it is only $3.' When you see him again, tell him you are starving and short on cash, then ask if he has the $3 you lent him.
You may not get your money back. But, it is worth trying. The worst thing they can do is tell you no.
When you insist on paying for food for people, not all of them will even think about paying you back. They might be selfish, forgetful, on a tight budget, or simply hoping you will forget about the debt. One of my roomates my freshman year of college suffered from severe depression and when her boyfriend broke up with her she wouldn't leave the room. Out of concern for her health, I used my lunch plan to buy her food on the condition that she repay me by using her lunch plan. She promised she would.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): Speaking from experience, I know exactly how you feel. In this case, I find it very hard to buy my own lunch when someone else is having financial problems. I also, do the same thing as you do such as offering money/lunch to the one in need. However, some don't really care to pay me back & I don't trip about it either. My reason being is because I "offered" on my own & I don't do it to have them pay me back because they didn't ask in the first place. I did it on my own free-will. On the other hand, anything other than lunch it would be a different story. I would want them to pay me back if it was any of my property they were borrowing & something happened to it because it just wouldn't be right to just let it go. Its not even about the money, its about the Principle.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
It sounds like you are a people-pleaser. "I insisted on buying her coffee and a soup from the salad bar" and "I felt bad and offered him cash." So you ARE comfortable talking about money, just not in a way that would make you the one needing it.
Stop trying to help people out with cash if you honestly can't afford it. It's not a crime to be a cash-strapped college student, it's perfectly normal to have a very tight budget that you have to stick to.
"Sorry, I can't help you out, I'm broke myself," said with a rueful and encouraging smile is better than trying to please people when you can't afford it. Or excuse yourself to go to the bathroom when a situation like this comes up again.
We have to do lots of things in our life that make us uncomfortable. If we only ever lived in our comfort zones, we'd have pretty dull lives with no personal growth possible.
Stop trying to please people. Please yourself. Be firm. Be polite. Smile when you say 'no' if that helps. Smile when you ask for the money you feel you are owed. It'll help you feel better about it and may diffuse the tension you feel.
Be brave. It's worthwhile learning how to stick up for yourself. So many of the posts we get on here are from women who simply don't want to take their power and use it.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 September 2012):
I get that OP, but the ways I mentioned are pretty painless. Just mention it in a casual way. Look at it from this way; if the roles were reversed and you'd received money from someone, would you refuse the requests I listed? I doubt it. No decent person would and they wouldn't think less of you either.
You're going to have to learn to stand up for yourself. Don't be that person who is so afraid of ruffling other people's feathers they won't say anything at all. You'll find that they most likely won't make a big deal out of it at all, OP. And if they do you know exactly what kind of people they are-- ones not to associate with. That's valuable too.
But in order to learn these things about people you need to put yourself out there and think of yourself as an equal to them, no more no less. You have every right to claim your money back and in the back of their minds I think they expect you to, actually.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Oh well if you don't feel comfortable at all asking for it back I'd just leave it and take it as a learning lesson. It is after all only 10 dollars. But from now on don't loan anything to someone you don't feel comfortable asking it back from. And if it's someone you don't know well enough to trust to pay it back then that's another sign. You aren't gullible, just generous and they took advantage. Now be generous to people who deserve it.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (17 September 2012):
Maverick has good advice on handling this situation. I'd like to add that I don't ever loan money, even a dollar, unless they are very very good friends (I am comfortable with them to ask for it back, trust I will get it back and I don't feel used if helping a good friend) and I will be okay to be without it for awhile. Loaning money to classmates or acquaintances has never gone well for me. I also don't like to feel like I was taken advantage of or gullible so now I don't loan anything. I'd follow her advice to get your money back now but in the future limit loaning money to just close friends that you know and trust will pay you back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to add that I feel super uncomfortable ever mentioning anything having to do with money :[
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 September 2012):
There's a simple way to go about this. To the guy: "Hey, I forgot my wallet so I can't buy lunch. But since you still owe me three bucks, is there a chance you could pay me back now so I can still get something to eat?" To the girl: "Hey, I forgot my wallet. Is there any chance I could take you up on your offer to buy lunch for me that time I helped you out?"
The fact they 'forgot' tells me they are not the kind of people who'd blatantly refuse requests like that. If they do, make it clear that they owe you and that you're expecting to get your money back. "Okay, but I assume you'll pay me back [insert amount] before the end of the week, right?" If you feel like you need to appeal to their conscience, add: "I'm a little tight on cash right now."
If people owe you money, don't let it go, whether it's $10 or $100. I was once involved in a big group project and loaned $100 cash to my friends who promised to pay me back by the end of the month. Half a year later I still hadn't received anything and I nagged at them until they paid me back. I ended up posting messages on their fb page to help speed up the process and boy it's funny how people are suddenly able to do anything to shut you up when their reputation is at stake. So make sure there's an audience when you tell them your request.
Next time, don't be so generous unless you can miss the money and/or really like that person to treat them without expecting anything in return.
I've treated people on coffee's and such and most of the time they ended up paying me back by getting me one. This may not be in the same week though, so be mindful of the span of time. But if it's taking too long and you need your money, definitely be clear that you're expecting them to keep their promises.
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