A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. This is not really a question regarding myself beyond the fact beyond that the situation is seriously traumatizing me and really, starting to piss me off. My mom went through menopause 5 years ago and apparently, no longer possesses much of a libido. My father unfortunately has not gone though the male equivalent of one (andropause) and is therefore still in want of some action. My mom does NOT want any and he really does. They get into screaming fights over this whenever my normally tacit dad thinks it's safe to make a move on her (basically when he thinks I'm sleeping or not there....but since I don't have a car right now--I'm ALWAYS there- and have since the summer started-- witnessed it several times and aside from not being able to look my dad in the eye and speaking minimally to both of them-- i am starting to really hate them...and I don't want that because deep down I know I love them but right now all I can think about is that my life and theirs' would be so much easier if they could get an effing divorce. I'm already in my twenties so really, I'm not gonna be damaged if they separate....at the same time I know they need each other regardless of their differences. This is the first time, I've been home for summer in quite a while and before that I had been blissfully ignorant of my parents' love life....and this "thing" they're fighting over is making me miserable...I don't know how I can help them or even how to approach the situation. I know my mom wants me to be here all the time because otherwise she's afraid my dad will force her...and as for my dad...I don't even know what to say about him. They're both great parents- don't get me wrong...but now I really need some advice from someone who can understand that these people, my family is from a culturally repressed society where only recently they've accepted interracial marriage between the ASIANS much less anything more than that or homosexuality. somebody, anybody...help!
View related questions:
divorce, libido, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (14 August 2011):
AngleDlite is 100% right! Call them on their BS and avoid going into detail.
Your mother sounds 100% like a drama queen and it's unforgivable that she's trying to use you as a human shield.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2011): wow a divorce? is that what you want to happen? ....
Look it is normal that you dad wants to continue to have sex ... and your mom should understand that. weather or not a woman goes through menopause ... i dont understand why a woman would not want to do that for her husband!
it takes so little of your time and it makes him very happy! plus that will cut down on the frustration and arguments ...
If i were you i would tell your mom that when she married your father, it became her duty to satisfy him.
Does she want him to get it from someone else?
she can make this little sacrifice for him ...
Im in my mid 20's and I am very close to my parents and I tell them that they need to satisfy each other in anyway they can ...
men need physical contact to express love more than women do!
I find that you are a little small minded to get mad at the fact that your father still finds your mother attractive and want to be intimate with her .. you would rather they get a divorce instead of walking to your mother and remind her that she married this man and that it is her duty as a wife to satisfy him instead of pushing him away ...
wow this post is just incredible
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Im sorry that your parents are arguing about something that is so disturbing. Seeing your parents argue at any age is hurtful.
But, what they are doing is dragging you into their battles.
Sadly, I think your Mom is using you as a buffer to her conflict by wanting you there.
They are adults, let them sort it out.
While at home, get earplugs, listen to music, or go elsewhere. Stop coming home if that is what it takes. Let them know you are leaving because their arguments are making you depressed.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (14 August 2011):
 I'm not sure why you think a divorce would be less painful for you than hearing them argue. Back when I was twenty, my girlfriend of the same age went into a pretty deep depression when her parents divorced - it didn't help that I was young and had no idea how to help, either.
If your family is as rigidly traditional as you say, it seems unlikely she would allow him to step out. I'm with Chigirl on the "force himself" issue, though - she's being melodramatic, and a bad mother to boot if she's willing to use her daughter as a human shield, even an emotional one. If he was willing to force himself, he would have done it by now.
Further, if they're as traditional as you say, I assume your father has been the primary breadwinner all your life? That he has protected and provided for the family to the best of his ability? If so, your mom's behavior is ungrateful and cruel. The exclusivity in a marriage vow requires some level of availability from the other person - hell, even if she's not in the mood, how hard would it be to give the poor man a handjob once in a while?
I'm willing to bet the screaming matches are only happening because he has already tried seducing, asking nicely, reasoning with her, and begging her. Not much left to do besides cheat, yell, or go without.
But they're not the ones writing in. If you don't want to be part of their problems, you have to move out of the house. Get a year-round lease on whatever place you're staying for school next year. Take the bus; you don't need a car to get most places. Just walk away from the situation as soon as you can. Given your mother's statements, I doubt you could say even a word about the problem without being drawn into it, and you don't want that.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Mom needs to go see the GYN and get this fixed.my grandparents were having sex well into their 80sa sex life is healthy at any age... and I agree mom is being a drama queen.... i'm in peri-menopause now (not quite done) and I personally can't get ENOUGHmom is making excuses I'm sorry she's being so childish as to involve you.
...............................
A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (14 August 2011):
 Sex is an important part of any relationship... but I'm not going to get into that being this is your question about them, not them asking for help (which they so clearly need).Like others have mentioned, you've just got to tell them you HEAR it and you would prefer not to. Your dad's blue balls aren't going to get any bluer from waiting until you're out of ear-reach and your mom isn't going to be any more or less of a prude whether or not they wait until you're gone. Of course, I'd phrase it in a way that doesn't include the terms 'prude' or 'blue balls' when actually speaking to them, but you get the idea.They make it very easy to hear them, so make them hear you!
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (14 August 2011):
 You need to tell your mother straight up to at least occasionally pony up the booty or your dad will find it elsewhere.I equate sex like any other need, like food. Just because she's not hungry, she's going to make him starve until she wants to eat, too? That's not a very loving action.Occasionally allowing herself to be intimate with him even when she's not in the mood will do WONDERS for improving their relationship.Tell your mom to stop being such a stubborn and selfish individual and be nice to your dad. He deserves a wife who really cares about him.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 She's afraid he'll force herself on her? You know what? I call that a bluff and a drama show. If she was afraid he'd force himself on her she'd call the POLICE, not insist that her daughter stays around and then uses you as some shield against her horny husband. Im sorry, but I don't think your mom is serious when it comes to this point. For the record you mom should still aim to be intimate with your father, it is selfish of her to reject him just because she hit menopause and doesn't quite feel like it. It wont harm her to have sex, and it hurts the relationship, and next thing you know he'll cheat or there will be a divorce, and in the meantime there are horrible fights. What for? Because she decided she wasn't up for it anymore and completely stopped? There needs to be compromise, even if she isn't in the mood, there's a marriage and a husband to be taken care of here, and it is selfish to just ignore the consequences. It is hardly that unpleasant to be intimate with someone you claim to love, even if you aren't wetting your pants off any longer. Talk to your mother and suggest she seeks help for this problem, either go to a doctor and get hormones, or read online about what other couples do when this problem occurs. And trust me, this happens to MANY couples, it is quite normal in a sense. It's not something you wish to happen, but it isn't surprising that it happens. Your mother and father need to talk about this and come up with a solution other than screaming at each other and putting you in the middle as some shield. Talk to your mom, tell her you hear the fights and arguing and that you will not be used as a pawn in this game. If she is serious about him forcing himself on her she needs to call the police, and if she wants to save the marriage she needs to do something about this problem other than try to ignore it, because it wont go away. A final word to you: this isn't a traumatizing experience for you. You'll get by just fine, there's plenty of worse things in the world that you are likely to encounter, hearing parents argue over sex is close to nothing when it comes to traumatizing experiences. Don't make this a bigger deal than it is, and maybe you'll be able to see better what you can do, because there are solutions. Only your parents can work on the solutions, but you can suggest things to them, and you can also get out of the house more often. Why can't you take the bus somewhere, or have your friends pick you up if they have a car? Or play loud music in your room when they start arguing?
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (14 August 2011):
 just tell your dad (as i suspect he is the one starting the arguments) 'hey you guys kept me awake last night arguing' - you don't have to tell him that you could hear what they arguing about, he just needs to be told that you hear them, they may not realise. or next time it happens get up and go to the bathroom or kitchen or whatever, just so they will know you are awake. hopefully they will then continue their discussion in a quieter and calmer way. him shouting at your mother is not going to get him what he wants anyway!x
...............................
|
