A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:If i get an abortion do I have to tell my boyfriend?I am just asking because I am having an abortion in two weeks and i havent told anyone yet other than a close female friend who had one before and is helping me through it. i am experiencing some signs of pregnancy, throwing up, tenderness, etc. And i have been trying to keep my distance from my boyfriend so he doesnt suspect anything, but i am coming to realize that he might be getting the wrong idea about our relationship, and might get worried that i am pushing him away? also i know that after an abortion you cant have sex for a while and that you bleed, there is a short recovery period. anyway i feel like my lies will unravel and he'll be mad i didnt tell him. but i havent told him because i worry that he might want to keep the baby. but i really dont want it, and i am not going to, no matter what he says. i just wanted to get rid of it and move on with my life, i'm far too young for a kid and i don't want to deal with the complications from pregnancy or abortion but its becoming unavoidable!! sooo what is the best way to proceed? do i tell him now, or after the abortion, or ever? do i keep it a secret and hope our relationship will continue on? do i have to come up with a cover story for why i am sick, or why i cant have sex (he doesnt mind doing it on my period so that wouldnt be a good excuse). we've been together for 2 years and i love him more than anything but i dont want to have his baby (yet!) and i worry that he might be offended by my decision. i know that he is pro choice like me but i know that doesnt mean he wont want me to have his baby. any advice???p.s.yes we were using birth control (the pill) and we use condoms almost all of the time as well, probably about 80% of the time, we are very safe. but accidents happen unfortunately. please dont judge me, please try to understand my situation and the complexities of it and try not to look down on me for making a decision that you personally might not have made. i dont judge women who choose to keep their babies even if they are 15, broke, high school dropouts, not necessarily going to provide a stable life for the kid, etc, etc. i respect every womans power over her own body. it is one of the most important rights we can have! i say this just because i know how contoversial it is and how it stirs up deep emotions! but all i really want is advice about dealing with this in regards to my relationship, so if anyone has anything valuable to say please do so i would love to hear it!xxxxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): I can completly relate with you situation. I am 23 years old and just found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend is 100% towards having the baby and I am 100% against it. I have made an appointment to have an abortion and do not plan on telling my boyfriend. What he doesnt know wont hurt him. I know that we will always be together and although I would love to have a baby I just know that we are both not ready to have a baby. We are both still in school, live with our parents, don't pay our own bills yet, ect. and clearly not ready for a baby. I would much rather have a baby when both of us are ready and we will be able to give a child the life it deserves.
You have every right to do what will make you happy. It is your life and your body. If you think your boyfriend will be supportive you should tell him. If you think he willbe heart broken over it, I would keep it to yourself.
Hope this helps hun and goodluck with everything. You will be fine!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2009): Hello : )
I just wanted to say from personal experience that going through something like that requires tons of support from people you love and care about. I really and I mean REALLY don't think it would be a good idea, not to tell him. Trust is a very important thing in a relationship. You need to tell him so you guys could go through it TOGETHER, believe it or not sweety it will make your relationship stronger. Even if he disagrees with your decision, at the end of the day, if he really loves you, he will be there for you and you guys will eventually work things out and get the back to "normal"..(whatever normal is : ) if anything this is just a test to see how valueable your relationship really is to one another.
Hope this helps babe!
Mrs.C2b
P.s
Follow your heart
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): You should tell him about it. Tell him that you're pregnant, give him a couple of minutes to absorb the information, then let him know your opinion on having kids right now (which is definitely not what you want). You said he's pro-choice like you, so he'll probably support you and help you through this difficult time.
If you get an abortion, there'll be a time when you'll regret it a little. Some women don't spare it a thought, while others obsess with it. If you have your boyfriend at your side, you'll feel much better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): I was married, and so was she. We had an intense affair. We were like a drug to each other.
The inevitable happened and in a moment of madness we had unprotected sex and she got pregnant. I had no idea at the time and she kept it to herself. She also went ahead and had an abortion without me even realising she was pregnant, but told me what had happened, and how she'd solved the problem by having an abortion, some months later.
My reaction was one of 'Thank God for that!' She had all the kids she wanted (4) and I had all the kids I wanted (2). Shortly afterwards I went and got a vasectomy. To my knowledge she has never regretted her decision to have an abortion.
It's an individual thing though. There's no 'one size fits all' solution or answer. A joint decision with both partners in agreement is the best solution, whether you're for or against. But at the end of the day the final decision has to come down to you. It's your body and you're free to do with it whatever you wish. You know your boyfriend better than any of us, so you're best placed to figure out how he will take it.
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A
female
reader, pastfirst  +, writes (7 January 2009):
 If you want to have a relationship built on trust with your boyfriend, you should tell him before you have the abortion.
The last word is yours, but he was partly responsible for you getting pregnant so he has the right to know.
Don't keep this a secret from him.
I am definately not judging your decision. It's your right to decide that you're not yet ready to be a parent!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): Hi there
You are faced with a very hard decision but my angel if you don’t tell hi m as you said yourself your lies will unravel, you are boss over your own body that’s true no one can make you do something you don’t wana do, I am replying coz I am 22 and had an abortion when I was 18 years old just finished school and just started working, I used drugs and that was basically my biggest reason for aborting as cocaine and ecstasy use during pregnancy can cause complications and a deformed child, but I was also not ready financially or emotionally, I am still with the same man today (after 6 years) and we made that decision together, but a part of me wish that I could go back and change my decision, I wonder if it would’ve been a boy or a girl, would it have had brown or blue eyes, but I know that at that was most probably the best choice I could’ve made, but I had my boyfriends support, back then it didn’t affect me as much as it does now, and it will probably only affect you when you start wanting kids, I feel guilty about killing my baby coz it came at an incontinence time, but now that the timing is more convenient I welcome the thought …. Sometimes it drives me insane thinking I don’t deserve to have a child ever, but I know that its not true, I know that its just guilt and that I will get better in time, I am just grateful that I have a man who understands and fully support me, I cant give you advice, as to if you should tell him or not coz angel you would have t olive with the lie and not me, I wouldn’t be able to but some people can,
Please reply and let us know how things are going, no one should go through this alone so that god you have a friend to talk to
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (7 January 2009):
This is a really tough one and I think it is going to come down to your personal moral choice. All the advice you get here is going to be people's own moral view and I think you have to take it all in and make your own decision.
Personally I think that since it is his child too, you should tell him. However, it is your choice on whether to keep it, so there is a chance you'll end up splitting up over this.
It's clear that neither of you wanted kids so there is a good chance that he will support your choice anyway.
My husband is of the view that you shouldn't tell him because if he's going to get "offended" as you put it then he may not have the emotional stability to handle pregnancy or abortion, no matter what he says.
His advice is to tell him you were pregnant but that you didn't know and have had a miscarriage. This will account for your moodiness over the last couple of weeks and the reason you can't have sex afterwards. This is a pretty big lie though and you will have to be ok with carrying this lie on forever, even knowing he'd leave you if he found out later.
I'm sure this question will get a lot of responses, and you will get some from the anti-abortion crowd so take all the advice as what it is - random people off the internet and their thoughts.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): Well, I think that you should tell your boyfriend, tell him what you want to do about it, and that you don't want the baby NOW. He should understand where your coming from. But do not keep secrets, because if by some small chance that he does find out somehow your relationship might be on the line. Try to make him understand what your thoughts are. And if he disagrees work something out that fits both of you.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (7 January 2009):
 I am not judging you at all and accidents do occur however careful you may be. I had an abortion at 23 because I was too immature to look after a baby but I have to say I have regretted it. I was seeing two guys and did not know which one was the father. I told only one of the men who urged me to have an abortion, but I did not tell the other. I did tell him years later and he was absolutely furious. I so wish I had told him because he would have helped me and I may not have gone through with it. It also transpired that I was rhesus negative and to cut a long story short I found out it was definitely his baby. Ofcourse it is totally up to you but I do think you should tell him. He will probably be enormously supportive of you and your decision. Try not to push him away. If you love him I think he should be told. I look at it like this that if I was a man I would want to know. If you do tell him sit him down and then come out with it. One of my friends texted her boyfriend but I think something as important as this should always be done face to face. i am sure he would want to know. Good Luck to you whatever you decide to do.
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