A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello dear Uncles and Aunts. I have many questions for you, but I do apologize for the book I am about to write you. ;-)I'm a twenty year old college student wondering, "WTF is happening to me?!" Once upon a time, in the glorious land of high school, I had my sights set on a rather attractive guy. Through my witty sense of humor and numerous outgoing attempts at friendship, and possibly something more, I made this Adonis mine. We were polar opposites. He was the handsome, sporty, popular type and I was the nerdy, artsy fat girl. We became best friends for some time and then dated for roughly two years. Things went sour and he ended up leaving me for the popular, bitchy, STD-ridden (seriously) cheerleader. We moved on, eventually graduated, and haven't spoken since.Now, at the age of 20, I haven't actually dated since (and its been a few years, trust me!). I've met some guys, but never made it past the initial stages. I had a sort of fling, but it just never panned out. It's not that I'm undesirable. I'm just not myself anymore.I find myself extremely self-conscious of how I appear to guys and am always anxiously wondering what they think of me. I always feel awkward, nervous, and as if other girls are thinking I'm weird and that they are better than me. I can rarely force myself to speak to new guys in school setting, let alone in a social one. I don't even dare to approach them with even the slightest smile. I lack confidence completely. But here is the kicker, my friends! It's not that I feel unattractive or as if I'm a big, fat slob. I actually think I'm attractive. I even dress well. I'm also hygienic and groomed. I see guys "check me out" and sometimes even smile at me, but, regardless of my personal confidence in my appearance, I immediately (practically involuntarily) look away at my feet or the ground. I, then, feel anxious and uncomfortable. (Obviously, this behavior sends the wrong signals...) Though, once the moment passes, I am overjoyed by the simple fact that the passing guy gave me a double take or a flirtatious smile. Anxiety consumes me and then passes until I encounter another guy (usually one I deem attractive). It's a never ending cycle.I used to be outgoing and could pursue someone if I wanted, but now I can't even make some lousy eye contact. I'm so jealous of my ex for having been able to move on so easily and I kick myself for even thinking about him after all this time. I'm not still ga-ga for him. I just am jealous that he, the cheater, was able to move on his merry way and I, the loyal companion, have been waiting and hoping, but to no avail. I guess, deep down I am a little insecure because I was left at the curb for the more conventionally attractive girl, but I honestly don't feel inferior in the looks department. I really cannot figure out what the hell is the matter with me! I've become an awkward, quiet imbecile!I'm the type of girl that prides myself for having goals of earning a PhD, a good sense of humor, a vast love for video games, a creative eye, and a nice demeanor. But how in the world is someone supposed to see all of this if I won't let anyone in? So, my questions: What's my problem? How can I alleviate my anxiety? What should I do to be more approachable and appealing? And, also, are these feelings of jealousy and contempt normal after such time has passed? How can I just get on with life and live a little?I understand there might not be the definitive answer or cure, but I appreciate any tips. Thanks so much! I look forward to reading your responses. =)
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best friend, confidence, flirt, insecure, jealous, move on, my ex, std, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (4 October 2010):
 Hooray!!! Congratulations!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought I'd let you all know I'm dating someone and I got a campus job! Life is on the up and up! Thank you all so much. Your advice helped me so much more than you can imagine!
Hugs :]
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Hello! There is no easy answer for this.
I study psychology, and through it I have met lots of people who lack confidence, and usually the common factor is that they are scared of failing at some sort of love affair, that they only get one try and if that fails they will be lonely for the rest of their life (or some variation of that).
The paradox of this problem is that the only cure for beeing scared of talking to people is talking to people. Hehe, yeah I know what you are thinking; "Well, duh...!") But its not that easy, you must really try to listen to yourself when you talk to men. "What am I really saying? Is this me? Am I beeing honest?" Because alot of insecure people put up this kind of act when they talk to an attractive person, and thats a big mistake. ALWAYS be yourself! If not its just going to spiral out of control, very fast! :)
On another note, physical excersise is one of the greatest boosters of confidence.
Alot of positive hormones are only released in the body when the body is worked harder than normal. It also contributes to better sleep-patterns which also factors in on personality.
It's hard for anyone but you to say what you shall do, but the main thing is probably just to try to smile.
Think about this: You walk down the hallway, a tight hallway, and a really handsome guy walks towards you. What are you gonna do?
You smile at him, he doesnt smile back = ok, arrogant ass... what kind of person doesnt smile back to someome they meet on the street. OR!!!! He might actually be really shy himself! Never leave that option out! Always try to put the best label on people. If you judge them as "asses", that wont help your confidence, but if you judge them as "shy", well thats probably the right choise, because alot of people are really shy, despite beeing apeshit-handsome!
So, what if the guy smiles back?!! This is where you would probably look down at your shoes, right? What happens if you keep looking at him? Where is the danger? Think about this yourself! What can possibly happen?! Nothing, at most he will probably say: "Hi. :)" Try this: Next time you get eyecontact with a guy, and you start to feel nervous, focus on his nose! Does he have a big nose? Is it small? Is it round or poity? This sounds ludacris, I know, but it will help you from hiding your face, which is what you are donig after all. Hiding it from the person, so he doesnt see your beautiful face.
Are you participating in some sort of social group? Yes? Good!
No? Then get your ass to the drama club! Haha, okey, mabye not there if you dont like drama, but its always good practice to join some sort of social group, and 95% of the time you will find a boyfriend there, instead of someone you randomly smile to at the street!
And last, but definitivly not least: Yo, you like viddigames?! Ehm, ka-ching! That makes you like 6539 times more attractive! All guys like videogames, even a boring guy like me.
If I meet a girl that likes videogames, i handcuff her to myself instantly, just because those kinds of women are so rare.
Lol, so before I go off on a total rant here, lets sum up this text:
1: Try to talk to people, but ALWAYS be yourself!
2: Try working out, perhaps at the gym. It's great!
3: Don't hide your face! Never, just avert your attention to somewhere else on his face if you get nervous.
4: Don't label people as cocky or pompous if they dont look back or smile, they may very well be shy themselves!
5: Get out and join some social groups!
6: Believe in yourself. This is the most important. You are one hell of a girl! You rock! You are hot! And here is the real gem, the real secret that not alot of people know about!
Ok, you ready?
The secret is: When you try to make it look like you have confidence, you will eventually get confident! You can be the shyest, lonliest person in the world, but if you force yourself to walk with a straight back, head high, chin up, purpose in every step, you will eventually adapt this confidence and make it your own!
So, this is it, huh? We had some good times together, you and me. :) Although we now depart, out seperate ways, I hope you will remember these words, and think about them every day, until you finally have found the confidence you are looking for. :)
Now...
GO OUT THERE!
BE YOURSELF!!!
AND LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LIVE!!!!
Egil Barland,
Psy. student,
Norway :)
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 July 2010):
Hooray!! Glad to have helped, and ABSOLUTELY update!! I love hearing updates... tell us what new things you're doing to get out there and socialize!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much, gals! Your responses made me feel more at ease about my situation and just generally so much better. It is nice to hear that it's not only happening to me. My logic tells me I'm not alone, but sometimes my emotions can get my best. So, thank you. I will try what you said, especially getting more involved in school activities, and will report whenever I have a grand update!
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (6 July 2010):
I loved reading your question - yes, you do have the creative eye!
You're in college, this means you are surrounded by opportunities. If you love being creative, etc., I think you should consider joining some activities that you'll really enjoy. You'll be comfortable, loosen up and get to know some more people (including guys). Consider joining theater, or your majors "club", or a pottery class. Something to get you out there and back in the game!
Keep reminding yourself that you are one hot tamale, because confidence (as you know) is half the battle. I think we all have that one ex who moved on way too quickly, and you spend the next couple of years thinking "how the hell did he get over me in like, ten minutes?!??", and of course, cursing him for being a lucky bastard because he hasn't spent the last few years hurting from the break up. We've all known that ex. And yeah, it sucks.
But, eventually you'll be back on your feet. You are a funny, smart, foxy girl and you're in college where you're essentially forced to socialize. I think you just need to get involved more, make some more friends and meet new people. Eventually, you'll be having so much fun that you'll barely think of that lame-ass "Adonis" (who, p.s. is probably suffering from burning every time he pees. Lord knows what sort of STD's he has - and girlfriend, STD's are just karma biting him in the ass. Excellent revenge!).
Good luck, sweet! I have faith in you, you need to have faith in you too!
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 You are clearly very funny and intelligent. I love the way you wrote this, its was almost like an English assignment. Look, I know how it feels to be dumped on by some "Adonis". The truth is he was probably not even on your wave length so he went for the stereotypically "attractive" girl because he couldn't keep up with you on an intellectual level. You will find someone, I was a lot like you, my ex destroyed my self esteem to the point where I wasn't recognisable to my friends. I am a social queen, a tomboy and a bit of a nerd but it took me a good 2 or 3 years to recover from the knock to my self esteem. I now have a wonderful group of friends and an amazing boyfriend but it took hard work. If you want to get back in the game you need to be comfortable with yourself. socialise, when you start to panic tell yourself you are stronger than that and relax. Best thing to do is not to worry about it at all the more you dwell on it the more of a big deal it will become.
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