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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and we are expecting a baby in March. My partner has 2 children (8 and 11 years) from her previous manage. The children keep on and on telling my partner how excited for their brother’s arrival, and how they can’t wait to do everything with him. They are just telling her and just addressing her with all this and not me. I feel really insignificant and I have a fear of feeling really sidelined when the baby is born like I won’t get a look in. I realist that’s people might think I’m bad for saying this but it’s genuinely how I feel and I don’t know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 December 2020):
 I can understand why you feel left out. The kids aren't doing it on purpose but in general a pregnancy is ALL about the mom, not the dad. Because she is doing ALL the work with the carrying etc.
What you CAN do, is ask the kids for help in picking out some stuff for the new arrival. Like they can help you buy a few books, ask them what THEIR favorite book was when THEY were little.
Maybe a stuffed toy they can bring or give when they GET to meet their new little brother.
SHOW them that YOU are as excited as they are!
Read some "how to be a dad" books because it doesn't just pop into your head how to DO things. Trust me. I have 3 kids... It's a leaning curve and process!
Get involved with the WHOLE family preparing for the new arrival.
If you can, take the 2 kid for a trip to the park (if allowed due to Covid restrictions) so your wife can can some rest from time to time. Or have them "help you" arrange a "pamper mom" afternoon. Have them help you make breakfast to serve to mom in bed. (they can help you clean up afterwards too. Or get a 1,000 piece puzzle they can "help" you with so mom can get some rest.
My husband used to give me these foot rubs in the evening after dinner. When things were wining down. I tell you I DO NOT like my feet being "handled" in general but when I was pregnant those foot rubs were amazing and we DO carry an extra load around.
You don't HAVE to feel sidelined, if you START including yourself.
Lastly, ENJOY the fact that the kids are looking forward to a new (basically half) sibling! so many kids get jealous instead. Not yours! They are HAPPY! GOOD!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): No, we don't feel you bad for your feeling as you do. They are just kids, and they're excited about having a new baby-brother. They don't understand the mechanics of all this, and can't really make the connections. After all, the baby is in their mother's body! How you contributed to it is a little bit beyond their childish comprehension! Even if they may know how babies are made, it doesn't click when it's your own parents.
You may need to be a little more hands-on. Don't expect children who are not your biological-kids to easily connect with you; especially if their biological-father is still around. It takes time for them to connect and become attached; and much of that responsibility is on you to be open and receptive.
You don't have to bribe them, or coerce them into acknowledging you. You should show your interest in the things they like. You should talk and interact with them; but if they seem to be stand-offish, they are just trying to be loyal to their dad. If he's not in the picture; then you have to be their dad. You have to show them affection, make them laugh, teach them things, and verbally remind them you are all a family; and the new baby is also a part of you. He is now the link that makes you all one family-unit. He is a part of you, their mother, and them as well. Let them know it makes you sad and feel a little left-out; and hope you all can feel love for each other.
No matter how kids think and behave; they react to love and protection. Be kind to them, and expect them to pull-away; but persist in showing you are their stepfather, and tell them you will make room in your heart for them. You can put that in your own words, or just as I put them. Show them pictures of you when you were a kid, help to relate to you as a person. Not just the guy who married their mother. Do a lot of family-time together. Christmas time is the best time for that.
Children know love. They respond to it. You are the adult, and it's up to you to figure it out. Most males feel as you do; but when the baby comes, you'll just have to change diapers, warm bottles, coddle, and play. Show the kids how engaged and connected you are. They'll warm-up to you, but in their own time and in their own way. Be affectionate towards you wife, and they'll get used to knowing how both she and you are one. Kids learn. They resist and pretend to be detached; but don't allow them to be the ones who determine the family dynamic. That's your jobs as parents.
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