| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I need help. I am getting seriously sick - literally and metaforically - because of the situation I am in.Here goes..I have been married for several years now. During the marriage me and my guy have been through a lot ups and downs and I see him as be my best friend, my soulmate, the one I will grow old with.We've always stood by each other no matter what and I am grateful for it all, the good and the bad. We have so much affection for each other, we both have the same odd morbid kinda sense of humour, we love debating with one another, we love travelling together, we have a great home, we like each others friends and families, we always have something to talk about..the list is endless. A relationship like this is oh so rare and we both know it.Why am I so eager to try and fuck it up, that is the question. We went through a particularly crappy phase a couple of years ago and during that time there was no affection, no intimacy of any kind, communication was next to nothing, even though we make such a great team in general. Looking back on it, I cannot pinpoint what it was that created this phase, perhaps it was just something that pretty much every relationship goes through, since we all evolve at our own pace and sometimes it screwes up the pace you have with your partner. And I guess sometimes the person you are closest to is the one person you cannot confide in. I reckon this is what happened to my spouse. They say that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. And that is how my spouse treated me at that point: with indifference. He wasn't cold, he wasn't mean. He was just indifferent towards my existence. I tried to figure out what was wrong and suspected he had become really depressed and pulled out all the stops to make him wake up from this apathy of his. Needless to say his apathy made me feel very low too and after a long time of banging my head against the wall and not finding any sort of solution, I gave up and suffered in silence like him. Big - BIG- mistake. Then happened the unthinkable - and it is the oldest story in the book. I met someone. And he swept me off my feet. Something completely snapped in my head. This guy made me feel so good. There was an irresistable attraction right away. I told him straight away that I was married and wasn't looking for a replacement to my spouse. But did my actions verify my words? Not quite. After one "innocent" encounter there was a kiss. A lingering, lustful kiss- which I myself initiated. Yes I was sexually frustrated and felt unwanted in my marriage and so forth, but there had previously been plenty of other opportunities like that for me to do something of the sort and I had never acted upon it before nor had I wanted to. So it wasn't about me wanting to kiss another man. It was about me wanting to kiss this particular man. (This is not an excuse of any sort. I am just telling it like it is.) And that kiss made me want him so bad it made me physically ill. I knew what would happen if I didn't stay away from this guy. And I didn't. We met up a few times and at first just talked and talked. We had some amazing conversations, I was uttely attracted to his intelligence as well as his gorgeousness. Thinking about it now I must've been one hell of a cliché- I never did say the words "my husband doesn't understand me like you do" but I bet I was thinking it all the same. Stupid me. And then one of these encounters ended up at his flat and in his bed. That night I had the most amazing sex ever. It was the first time I had ever had an orgasm during intercourse. It was so good it felt surreal. Needless to say it didn't stop there. I was hooked. Well, we both were. The affair became the epicentre of my life. I was high as a kite from the rush my secret lover gave me. When I wasn't with him, I was always thinking about him. I fantasized about him constantly. Being with him felt like the most natural thing in the world. The affair had lasted about three months when one night I went to see my lover. He sat me down and told me that he was in love with me and therefor didn't want to be "the other guy" anymore. That it was all or nothing, full stop. I told him that I was in love with him too and I meant it. Then he told me he knew that I needed time to figure out what to do and that I could have all the time I wanted. He would wait for me as long as necessary.A few days later when my spouse came home from work one night, he just looked at me in a way he hadn't looked at me for ages and simply said: "I am so sorry for neglecting you and keeping you in the dark." Then he went on about how he had felt and how it just had taken him time to sort his head out. I felt like the crappiest wife that I was. I pushed aside my heart-rending guilt and concentrated on listening to my spouse. At that point my confusion had reached monumental heights and I had to do something about it. I contacted my lover and told him I had to stop seeing him immediately. How I wish it had all ended then and there. It didn't. During the two months when I kept no contact with my lover I felt so angry towards my spouse (the guilt, the guilt) and so disappointed in myself (the guilt, the guilt) and general hatred towards all mankind (the guilt, the guilt). Oh that guilt was eating me up inside and what I hated myself for the most was the fact that despite all the crap I had already brought upon myself I still missed the other guy, constantly. I missed him like crazy. And of course I had to run into him one day by accident. After two months of silence. I had no idea what to say and neither did he. We just stood there ogling one another like idiots. And then of course we took the idiot thing a bit further and went for coffee. And the coffee turned into a dinner and the dinner turned into an all-night shagging session. I had come to senses once and then I just slipped back into insanity just like that. Our affair lasted for a couple months more and then my lover reached his limit and stated that he knew I was in a difficult position and all but that he would have to pull back and stay there if I wasn't going to end my marriage. He told me that he would still be waiting for me but would do so from a distance. Here was this guy offering me his heart on a silver platter and what did I do? I broke it. After some serious soul-searching, I clutched onto all the strength I had left and told my lover that I had chosen to be with my spouse and my spouse only from now on. This time I managed to break up for good.This was 5 months ago. I have been a complete state ever since. First of all, I cannot believe I did all this to my spouse. I cannot believe I cheated on him for such a long time. I was never drunk while I did it. It wasn't one drunken mistake. I cannot believe that my spouse-my sweet, beautiful man who was in a crisis and just didn't have the ability to open up to me- was left alone in his misery while his wife was giving her love to another man. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the countless times I have layed in my lovers arms, telling him I love him, giving him the love that my spouse was deprived from. I hate myself for being such a slut and I am shocked by the realisation that lying to someone you love is way too easy when you have a dirty secret. I want this marriage to last. I want it to be good again. And it has gotten better but I don't know if it can last if I keep this secret. Why did I have to fall in love with another man,and better yet, why did I have to act upon it? Who the hell am I? I don't want to tell my spouse what happened just to unload my guilt on him. It's not fair. After being so unfair towards him the least I can do is spare him from this. He is my best friend and my sweet sweet man whom I love and I don't want to hurt him anymore not EVER. I feel so ashamed of myself and I have a hard time dealing with this and the things I have learned about myself. I know one needs to know one's dark side but I didn't want to slip into it entirely. I hate myself so much. I have broken my spouse's heart even though he doesn't know it. Why is it that one has to go to such extremes before realising how wrong one is? And yes, why can't I still stop thinking about the other guy? Why am I still thinking of him after all this damage? Why do I miss him still? Am I insane, stupid or both?I can't talk about this to anyone because I feel so stupid and selfish and terrible. I feel so ashamed to admit that when I recently came across some old email correspondence between me and my lover a part of me felt terrible and guilty but another part of me felt so much yearning. I deleted the messages right away but the feeling didn't go away. Will it ever go away? I used to be a sexually active person and I had loads of fantasies which is perfectly safe and I guess healthy too but now I can't fantasize at all because my lover is the only fantasy I find arousing. I don't want to be thinking of him, I want to be rid of him and the thoughts of him. I feel so shitty for hurting him too how I wish he had met someone single instead of me I wish for his sake he can move on soon even though I am feeling this stupid jealousy over him though I have no right to be feeling jealous. And I know that if I had a relationship with my lover it would eventually have the ups and downs as my current one, just in a slightly different package. I am not romanticising that at all. Of course I deserve to be miserable for what I did but I don't want to make my spouse miserable in the process. I want to shield him from this it is my cross the bear and mine alone. I don't want to have my cake and eat it too. The cake makes me ill. I don't want to love the other guy I really don't I have always thought that love is a matter of will so why can't I will myself to fall out of love my heart should belong to my spouse and him alone why is this so fucking difficult why??I am not looking for pity I just need to know if anyone has any thoughts on how to move on and if anyone has been in my shoes and can tell me what I could do to deal with this I would very much appreciate it. Some of you may think that if I really loved my spouse I wouldn't have done this. Some of you may think I don't deserve to be happy again. It is your prerogative to feel that way but I reckon the judgement won't help anyone so I would rather hear some useful thoughts instead of judgement. You don't have to tell me that I am a slut and an adulterer and a selfish bitch I already know that. What I need to know is how can I stop feeling like this it is too much and I can't deal with it anymore.
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affair, best friend, depressed, drunk, jealous, move on, my ex, orgasm, sexually frustrated, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Please do not tell him, it will definitely break your marriage. U made a mistake and you are sorry. Do not break your home. Please i beg you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Please do not tell your husband!!!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): Hi,My problem is somehow kind of opposite to what you are going through. I am married to a beautiful, intelligent woman and we have a three year old boy together. She has been everything to me and I love her with all my soul. I cannot imagine the world without her. For the six years that we have been married, she's been the perfect wife, always there for me even at times when I feel I am not paying enough attention to her - such when I have to work late. But I never fell to remind her that I love her.Then my company sent me to Canada for a short course of three months. Everyday that I was there we rang each other and chatted for hours. Sometimes I rang up to five times and always ended up with the "I love you" sentence. And so did she. But one day I rang but could not connect. I tried several times that and always hoping she would call but nothing happened. Late that evening I sent her an email and spent the night tossing in bed wondering what was wrong with her. Then she rang and told me that our child had thrown the phone into his bath. I wondered why she could find a public phone to call me but decided not to sound suspicious.We continued chatting every day as usual when I realized that I was now doing all the calling. When I did not call, there was silence. To make a long painful story short, I discovered she had started seeing someone. I confronted with the little I had heard and she decided to confess. She told me that she didn't know why she did this. She swore that if I forgave her she would never repeat. To satisfy my curiosity I asked her to tell me what she and her lover had done in as graphic way as possible. I knew this was going to hurt but somehow I felt that the knowledge would explain why she cheated on me. At first she refused to tell me. When I insisted and made it a condition for my forgiveness - a kind of truth and reconciliation commission - she did. Boy, did it hurt. Not only did her narrative sound like there was nothing that I was doing in bed but I felt like I did not even have body parts to touch, feel, kiss or satisfy anyone. I was so upset at the betrayal that I decided I should end the marriage right away. But I cannot imagine my life without her. The idea of going into the world alone is more frightening than the possibility that she will cheat on me again. I believe, like many would agree, she doesn't deserve any forgiveness but I just can't get her out of my mind. I don't want to be in her presence. But once I am away from her I get worked up thinking my absence would drive her to go and see the other man. I feel so spineless because I know of friends who devorced their wives for much lesser crimes than adultery. I wonder whether if I found someone I would forget about her. But the trouble is that every time I look at a woman I am trying to see the same qualities that my wife has. I feel so helpless and stupid too. Just how do people who leave their spouses do it? Worse I am not even happy in my own home. Everytime I feel like having sex with her I start thinking that she would compare my performance with the other guy.I hope this does not drive me into suicide or homicide. I don't believe I am capable of either or both but then I never thought I could fail to solve a love-related problem.Sorry for being so long and for not offering any solution to the problem I am responding to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): Hi again everyone
I appreciate it very much that so many have taken the time to ponder my situation. Thank you all for that.
I have some serious soulsearching to do and that is exactly what I am going to do now. I am seeing a good friend of mine tonight and I am going to tell him about this. I think it might shed some more light on this predicament. Knowing he's a smart and realistic person he will no doubt be unbiased and blunt about his thoughts on this.
He will not fix my problems for me, no. It is not going to change the reality of things. I know I cannot drag this out much longer. But before I take the plunge (to tell or not to tell) I will take the advice from all of you and that which I will receive tonight from my friend, think it through and then take action. I do have a tendency to overanalyze everything. And this situation if anything is something I have been going over and over in my head and obviously it's getting me nowhere. That is why I wrote to this site. And I was genuinly surprised that all of you - well, most of you- were willing to take the time and really think about what I was saying and give me advice. Thanks again.
The majority here seems to think that honesty is the best policy. That I should just come clean. Perhaps that is the right choice. About therapy..while counselling is an ideal solution for many people, it doesn't work for me nor my spouse. Been there, done that. I am sure it helps a lot of people but it isn't for everyone.
Whatever happens it will happen soon..one way or another. I will keep you posted about this. For those who have been reading this thread and have some thoughts to share but have not yet done that, please do share..
Once again, thank you all for your replies! I will be back soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): Hi Tellulah,
I only told about my marriage because of what you had written.
"I have been on this site for quite a while, and its interesting that the people that write in telling us they had affairs, are most likely to get negative advice (for obvious reasons) from the Aunts who's partners have left them or had affairs. And positive from the happier Aunts.".
I wouldn't even have mentioned it otherwise.
I am not saying anyone is bad or good.In fact I was concentrating on the poster because telling her husband will relieve her feelings in a way.
I am sorry I didn't concentrate on your affair as things are complicated enough as it is.I have a semaphore brain which means I concentrate only on the task at hand.
This was what I said.
"Like anyone else I am just offering you this advice.Take it or leave it,its your choice."
So That's it.I gave my advice and now its up to the poster.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (14 November 2008):
 Bugs,
I totally understand your point of veiw on marriage, its a wonderfull thing if you are both happy and honest with each other. But the fact remains, that sadly! these days it's not that common. Marriage should be for life, and I really hope yours is.
But still "Shit happens" as they say, and you make decisions to do things that are not always wise choices. Does that make you a bad person, no I dont think it does. I know I'm not bad, I was just stupid and should have insisted that my partner left first and then got with me. But I didnt, I fell in love and couldnt wait to be with him. I feel desperately sorry for what I did to another person, and would never, ever go there again. Do I regret being with him "No I dont" sorry I know that will upset a lot of you, but I love him so very much.
At the same time I would never advise a person to go ahead and have an affair, I would tell them to avoid it if they possibly can. This Lady has made a mistake, she doesnt want to run off with the other guy, she wants to mend things with her husband. I feel personally that she should tell him, but that is entirely up to her. I could not forgive my ex husband for his affair, but god knows I tried. I am still glad I married him, because I have two wonderfull children. And I will always love him to my dying day, but that doesnt mean that I dont love my partner now.
Whatever you decide to do, it will be OK in the end, one way or another. And if you dont end up together then it wasn't meant to be.
XXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): My God, this is amazing I think it will turn into a journal, time to come clean and take your chances about true love.I have been also reading another amazing story which I think you should take the time to read, which will let you see it from a different side of things and may help you see the outcome from you husbands side. I have been following the story by James45 " My life of total devestation cuased by an affair" It is also an amazing read and will make your heart bleed but at least you can see from another mans story the effects of an affair and how much damage it does to the innocent party.I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (13 November 2008):
 Wow that took me ages to read, Have been in the same position as you hunny many years ago now, My husband was having an affair for months I new...I was young and I wanted to feel love so I found it in the arms of another...
Not so good the following days weeks months...I told him, I could not keep it hidden, I expected for him to say well I've been doing something maybe you should no about, But no..We wont go into what happened after this, But I was honest, My marriage lasted another 6yrs after..Then I left..Id been honest told him I felt awful guilty and so very sorry...He said he could forgive in time...Knowing all the time he was doing this...I left as I said, And it was only after I left we had a meeting one day and on the way home he said..."Don't feel guilty I've had more than one affair just thought you should no, You no what its like when children come along and you feel left out and your obviously tired more and cant go out as much well that is why it happened" well I said " I thought I had done this awful, terrible, hurtful, hateful, thing to you and you never mentioned it, I understand now you felt left out because of the children. I felt left out because my husband was being pleasured elsewhere...Leaning experiences hunny that taught me allot..I couldn't sit on my guilt (I felt ill like you are and had the same feelings ).. even if it meant leaving but he could as he was scared of loosing..it all came out..Life is full of learning curves...TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 Wow, what a great read, from start to finish and you really should be a writer. Both the question and the answers are well written!!! After I read this, I think that you aren't going to have any hope of putting this behind you until you put all of your cards on the table, as many of the Aunts have said. You are so torn up inside that keeping this to yourself isn't going to help either you or your husband. He had the courage to finally tell YOU why he was absent from your marriage, and now, for most purposes, You are the one who is AWOL. If this had been a drunken one night stand, then yes, you would have more grace in not telling him, but because this ISN'T, then I feel he deserves the right of disclosure. At this point, he should be able to make a few decisions for himself as well, and you are the only one deciding both of your fates. Once it's all out in the open, and you both know what you are dealing with, then you can seek counseling in order to pick up the pieces; and yes, there is the possibility that he might walk away, but right now, your head isn't even there, and it's not truly a marriage - at least - until you put it back together again. Good luck, Dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): Tellulah,
I understand am new to the site.But all I wanted was a plain answer with out any romanticism involved.
I have been married for 5 years.I am 29.This is my first and hopefully would be my only marriage.I have a pretty good marriage compared to Indian standards which is a very big deal.Nope!No affairs from either side.We are brutally honest with each other.So I would have known.
Also I hope to be able to come back after 20 years and say "Never".*smiles*
To the Poster:
from other posts that I have read,yes you got off easy.No I am not feeling bad about it.I am feeling bad for the other people who didn't have such a writing skill.
I am able to understand you better when you write plainly.I am sorry that I couldn't read through your Waller mode.Thanks for obliging.
You are right.you are asking for advice.I am a horrible person to have judged you.I hope you are feeling angry at me right now.
That's exactly what I hoped for.If you felt angry about a complete stranger judging you how is your husband of 9 years going to feel about the fact that you are in love with some other guy?
Even if I am booted out of the site,I would like to stand up for what's right.
you want to concentrate on your marriage.A very valuable decision.A marriage based on a lie is not going to give you happiness.I am giving you advice.Since English is not my first language maybe I am not able to put my point across.I am not telling you you must do it.Like anyone else I am just offering you this advice.Take it or leave it,its your choice.
Tell your husband.He should be given every right to make a choice.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (13 November 2008):
Hi,
I was one of the first people that answered your post.
You will get a lot of great advice on here, but unfortunatly you can also open up a whole can of worms and get bad advice. I dont believe that if you were a man you would have "got slaughtered", but you would have got opinions good, and bad. I have been on this site for quite a while, and its interesting that the people that write in telling us they had affairs, are most likely to get negative advice (for obvious reasons) from the Aunts who's partners have left them or had affairs. And positive from the happier Aunts.
I! myself have been on both sides of the coin. I had a husband that left me broken hearted, and unable to have another relationship without problems. To (after 18 years) having an affair with my married Boss, falling in love, and now living with. I should have known better, and as much as I knew taht my partner was unhappy (long before me) I should never have hurt another person like that.
Thats my point though!! If life was simple, these things wouldnt happen would they?? But they do.
Like I said before, you only have two options. Only you can make the decision as to if you should tell your husband.
If it were me, I would have to tell him. So that if it can survive, you wont live your life in fear of him finding out anyway.
And to all out there that say they would never do this, I also said that for 18 years....."never say never"... you just dont know.
Good luck, whatever you do decide to do. XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I am the original poster.Hello BugsOkay let's make it plain.Like I wrote before, I am not here for pity or sympathy. I am here for advice. ADVICE. And people can judge me all they want but that is not really the point of this site now is it? Do you think that judging me will help me try and rectify this situation? "If you had been a man you would've been torn to sheds". What are you trying to say with this? That I should've been torn to sheds? That I "got off easy?" "You have made sure that you put yourself down by calling yourself names, gathering the sympathy and grace of everyone who read it." That was not my intention. Again, my intention was to seek advice. I had no idea that in order to get it I should not write what I think and feel. That I would have to prove that I feel bad and guilty. I am trying to move on and concentrate on my marriage. What makes you think I am making excuses and glorifying things? I suggest you re-read my posts and think again. Yes I am still in love with the other guy. I have not denied that at any point. But I don't want to be. I want to get him out of my system and be a better wife. That was the whole point of me writing here in the first place. To seek advice from people, espcially those who have been through this. If you have no advice for me, why are you replying to my posts? Why do you feel the need to question the authenticity of my guilt? "Call it sixth instinct.But I have a feeling that more than guilt for betraying your husband you are in a self pity mode torn about feeling this way about the other man." Of course I am feeling some self-pity. I am not denying that either. Even though I know this is all my doing. I did not ask for this and I did not want this. If you have never experienced this yourself, I hope you never will. It is not romantic at all. It is hell. You are right about me being a romantic. But this situation does not give me any sort of romantic pleasure. I apologize if my style of writing gave the wrong idea. I am not enjoying this. If you don't believe that I feel guilty, that's your choice. Would I be able to forgive my spouse if he did this to me? I don't know. Is it fair to my spouse that I fell in love with someone else? No.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): To the Poster:
This was from your original post.
"but I reckon the judgement won't help anyone so I would rather hear some useful thoughts instead of judgement."
This is the main reason that I only told you about your way of writing.
This was from your latest post.
"Do reply again if you have more thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it..".
I may be chastised and probably stoned for being the only one who doesn't feel any sympathy for you whatsoever.
I have a feeling that you are a romantic and have glorified things a lot.
You have made sure that you put yourself down by calling yourself names, gathering the sympathy and grace of everyone who read it.
IF YOU HAD BEEN A MAN YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN TORN TO SHREDS in DearCupid by now.I am not lying.Please read some of the other posts.
The main reason I feel sorry for your husband is through your excellent wordplay you have convinced everyone else that you are feeling guilty.
Call it sixth instinct.But I have a feeling that more than guilt for betraying your husband you are in a self pity mode torn about feeling this way about the other man.you are still giving excuses.you are still in love with this guy.
From your posts I come to understand that you are a honest person.I looked through your lovely novel to arrive at this conclusion.Yes,I know that you are scared that you will lose your marriage.But is it fair on your husband that you are in love with the other guy?.
It will only be fair if your husband knows it and tells you,"I can love you enough for both of us.Its fine.It doesn't matter whatsoever to me".
Its tough losing the security that a marriage brings.But if your husband had done this to you would you have been able to forgive him?
If you ever reply to this question can you please switch off Robert Waller mode and try to answer me plainly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Hi BugsThe language i spoke in , was from the heart, it only means Go With God! or so i believe.I respect all posts and think many different angles are the best way to help somebody weigh up their problem and possible solution. So when you ruled mine out and said don't LISTEN to her. I thought that was not your place to decide who the lady should listen too. So i undervalued your words as well, to mirror what you did to me.I accept your apology with the same grace as it was given. Via con dios! amigo.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Hi I am a man and am going to put this from a different angle,I have had a number of affairs in the past some one night stands, some a little longer and one in particular which lasted for many years on and off.My wife had became a mother spent all her time looking after our child and house etc, we started to talk less, sex was dull and boring she became more distant and uninteresting, life took over so I looked as you did with out really trying too for comfort and the feel good factor else where, my wife new things were wrong between us but we loved each other in the ussual kind of way, very occasionally having sex sometimes quite hot but never mind blowing, I never told my wife about these affairs for a number of years but eventually owned up, we talked and sorted things out and moved on, our relationship became much stronger and has stood the test of time, but in the time I carried my burden about with me I could never trully be close to her as I knew what I had done was wrong, I have never strayed again and never will again,I know I can't change the past but at least I gave her the choice to know all about me and make up her own mind whether she wanted us to be together or not. If she had done the same I would like to know so I could make my mind up too whether to stay or go, you know what they say honesty is always the best policy, even if it does hurt, I agree with other posts that if it does hang heavy over you then time to come clean and take a chance on the outcome.You say about the amazing sex and your first orgasm through intercourse, well heres where mine changes, I have loving sex with my wife and enjoy it and she says she does too, she has never had an orgasm ever during intercourse unless she gives a helping hand that is, but during my long affair I had the most amazing sex life with this other woman, she couldn't get enough of me always wanted to have sex with me all the time, said it was mindblowing, treated me like I was stud of the year and said I was the best lover she had ever been with, totally unselfish and fantastic at everything I did for her, another woman I was with, who also had a long term relationship with one of my friends, who then moved on to be with my wifes friend, my wifes friend told her that this guy was the hottest lover on earth he was amazing, but the woman I was with told that I was far more amazing than he could ever have been, she also couldn't keep her hands off me, it was as much as she could get of me, any time any opportunity, both these woman had orgasms time and again during intercourse, so why is it that as with your husband it doesn't happen and also with my wife it doesn't happen, but this kind of thing happens frequently during affairs, point I am trying to make is maybe if you made things a little hotter with him indoors, maybe as another poster says he is more than capable and so are you of it being that aroused by your husband, I hope you get the just of my point from a male angle and that my points about honesty help you.All the best with your future and forget the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): "Hey, I used to love Bridges of Madison County. Yes, nowadays that story just pisses me off..."
I have nothing more to add your honor.I rest my case.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Hello allWhoa, thank you all so so much for your answers, I didn't expect there to be so many..! I have thought about the option of telling my spouse everything. But as I stated in my first post, at this point I would be doing it for the wrong reason, making myself feel less guilty-and frankly, if I told him everything that would mean that I'd be passing the guilt to him which would make me feel even more guilty and so forth..the cycle of guilt seems endless, doesn't it?One of the numerous things I hate about this situation is that it has made me question just about everything. My life, my personality, my compatability with my spouse, my sanity..how can an experience of a few months impugn an entire lifetime? Sometimes I wonder if this affair was actually an identity crisis of mine. Again, not looking for an excuse, but reasons, yes. I cannot understand why this all happened, I really can't. Yet even if I was given all the reasons, it wouldn't obliterate the fact that it happened all the same...so would it help? It did happen no matter what kind of label I stick on it. Talk about six to one and half a dozen to another..As I said, I stand to lose so much if I lose my marriage. But I am not delusional, I understand it may come to that. If my affair comes out, I know for a fact that my spouse would be gone for good. He could not forgive me for this. And knowing that makes me feel terrible, knowing that I have done something he considers unforgivable. And I couldn't give him half truths. I would have to profess that it wasn't a purely sexual thing. That I actually fell in love with someone else. Some people think that falling in love with someone and thereby "not being able to stay away" serves as a great excuse to cheating. To me it just makes things worse. A lot worse.I think one of the many problems here is that I can't really talk about this to anyone. I suppose this is the reason why so many people prolong their affairs; a lot of times the only person who can and is willing to listen and understand is the person one is having the affair with. So many times I myself have felt the need to contact my lover just to vent about this, knowing he would listen, but so far I have managed to refrain from it. I know it's a terribly bad idea. And it would be utterly unfair towards both him and my spouse. I do agree with those of you who stated that I have to steer my energy towards my marriage and "rekindle the spark". But it's not our marriage that needs it desperately. Nowadays my spouse and I have been much more attentive towards one another and there is affection and closeness so we are on the right track. It is my head that needs to rekindle the spark with my spouse and kill the other spark. We don't have sex that often, perhaps about once a fortnight. My spouse has always had a slightly lower sex drive than me and I have always been ok with that. (Someone asked if we had kids and how long we've been married. We don't have kids. And we've been together for 9 years.) I don't need to be entertained in the bedroom with tricks and treats all the time. The companionship matters to me a lot more than the sex. I suppose with my former lover it was about chemistry of the scary and intense sort. Far be it from me to ever again mock those who say their hormones triumphed their sanity, hands down.I did discover a whole new sexual side of myself. And sure it was exciting and gave me tons of pleasure. I sincerely wish that was all there was to it. I really do. Even if falling in love did buy me a ticket to Excuses land.Hey, I used to love Bridges of Madison County. Yes, nowadays that story just pisses me off...but thank you for suggesting that I become a novelist. Great compliment-especially since English is not my first language. But writing about this is not actually a bad idea...it might help me cope. Though the "novel" would be, with all probability, stuck in the drawer gathering dust and growing cobwebs for many years to come..:)but it could be a good way to vent. Again, thank you all so much for reading my post and replying, I am utterly grateful! Do reply again if you have more thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it..
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): To the Poster:
I sincerely feel you will make a great writer.You have swayed even me who would have screamed bloody murder on hearing about adultery.A very few people have the talent to do this.How about becoming an author.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Oh my Goodness.Everyday I learn something new at DearCupid.I didn't mean to hurt you or the Poster.
I feel bad that books like Bridges of Madison County come out glorifying an extra marital relationship.In reality all it gives is guilt and heart break to everyone involved.I felt her style of writing matched his.In a way its a compliment.The guy is really good at what he writes.
I have quoted what she shouldn't listen to from your post.I should have been more clear.I apologize.I only hope time doesn't test her again.As from her post she comes across as a person who is not able to bear the guilt.
I agree am far from perfect.I am sorry my upbringing didn't give me chances to do anything wrong.If this apology helps you feel better I would be glad.
Being from India I don't understand the language that you last wrote in.
Even if it means anything unpleasant DearCupid has forged patience in me and I wouldn't retaliate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Hi Bugs Bunny ! what's up doc?Don't listen to my Post ??????And why not? you had nothing of any value to say to try and help this lady who realises she has made a mistake AND IS TRYING TO RECTIFY IT. Are you perfect and have you made no mistakes in your life?You think she should be feeling bad and guilty then? You say you are not going to judge her? then say don't listen to my post anon... why have you JUDGED who she listens too? Bit of a silly thing to say bugsy.......ps. did you make her feel better or did you enjoy making her guilt heavier? Where was your concern about the ladys problem ,probably entwined within your self and Robert Wallers Book!!! via con dios ...JULIEANNE DE LA MARSAY......
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Dear Poster,
I am not going to judge you.But Please don't listen to Ms.Anonymous from 11th November 2008.
"Stop feeling bad and guilty and be prepared for TIME to maybe TEST you once more."
In such cases one time is too many.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Hi
First i actually think you are a very good person...why?
because your honesty is well engraved in your soul and you have actually thought about the consequences of hurting your husband by off loading guilt (as you put it). And you did care about your husbands feelings and tried very hard to stop your desire ( success! ). PHYSICAL LOVE vs SPIRITUAL LOVE. you have won do not be so hard on yourself, life throws curved balls at us sometimes. Look at the TIMING quite a coincidence your husband rejoining you emotionally?
I think in your case deceit is different..had you totally not given a toss about your husbands feelings and recognised his qualities and ran off with your X lover then you could be hard on yourself.
You made a choice and i think the right one.
Be brave and try to let the past fade away where it belongs and re invest passion into your marriage. Not always a wise move confessing in the name of honesty, you were honest to your soul thats enough. be content in the knowledge that you chose to stay and love your TRUE soul mate and was not fooled into earthy love that does fade in time, but true soul love is eternal and overcomes all TESTS AND TRIALS.
Stop feeling bad and guilty and be prepared for TIME to maybe TEST you once more.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): He is the guy who wrote Bridges of Madison County.I bet When the book was published it made more people have extra marital affairs.The Poster had his style of explaining things.Couldn't but remember the book.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Robert James Waller has a lot to answer about the confusion and heart break going on around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): So if sex isn't hot for a man and his wife doesn't listen to him or his sexual desires, is ok for him and everybody else out there to stray and f--k about till there hearts content, what a mess this world would be in, yes we all need hot sex, but infidelity is never the answer, you don't say how long you have been married of if you have children, which all get in the way of a great sex life. normal everyday chores that you didn't have to endure with your lover, you had all your time together for hot sex, don't ever compare an affair to that of a marriage because once the affiar became the marriage all the normal things would be the same, watching a good late night film together then its too late at night for hot sex, a hard day at work, what you had was all your time with your lover for one thing only. I am sure your husband craves great sex too so is it ok if he gets it else where to so he can feel good inside and probably make the woman he is having all his time with for sex have orgasms, many men have been with some woman who they can make orgasm during sexual intercourse but then the next woman who may be their wife they can't make orgasm in the same way, doesn't mean to say you husband is useless in bed, he may have had great sex himself elsewhere before he met you. Think its time to come clean and discuss all of this with your husband once and for all, think you need alot of courage to face this one but time to get rid of your guilt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): I strongly disagree with "Teacake" you already say that your husband was never cold or mean, so why she is saying that he was cold and abusive, changes your words and meaning straight away, you say he was indifferent but did eventually come and speak to you, he was going through a hard time and like lots of men didn't find the right words at the right time but at least he did find them. Your sex life was maybe dull due to both of you not making an effort' I do agree with "Teacake" that you should take the time and effort to spice it up, you should also tell your spouse everything as that is the only decent thing that you can salvage from this horrible situation you are in, let it be a lesson to anyone out there affairs are never the answer or the guilt and pain associated with it, many woman out there never have orgasms during sex we all no that, doesn't have to mean everything is wrong, many other ways to have orgasms as we all know and everybit as satisfying. Make up your mind quickly about what you want to do because dragging it out will only cause more pain and guilt.You have another choice which is to take a break and see how you feel in a number of weeks when you have time alone with your own mind. I wish you all the best with this one, you must be living in a nightmare. Jenny X
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reader, Teacake  +, writes (11 November 2008):
 Why was your husband being cold and distant in the first place?
Women need hot sex just as much as a man does. If your husband has been more of a friend then it makes sense why you would be so carried away. If the sex with your husband was just so so and he wasn't into you, if there isn't any passion, well it makes sense that you strayed. The guilt is understandable and thank goodness you have a conscious.
Its sad that humans can't seem to find what they need and want all from the same person. Your husband was being abusive and was not being considerate to you. Indifference is a horrible feeling! It invalidates and dismisses your very being.
The thing is, do you really want to grow old with this man? One day the sex won't be so important as the companionship.
I am sure the other fellow is very much into you but he knows you are capable of cheating. Had you left your husband for this guy and things became more real, every day common relationship, the excitement would fizzle out pretty quick and you would be in the same boat again.
This is a tough situation. How is your sex life with the husband? If you can't have an orgasm with him, something is wrong. Perhaps the two of you should explore connecting more deeply sexually. Ask him out of the blue if he would like you to tie him up.... something a bit shocking. Somehow to play out what he might enjoy fantasizing about.
men do tend to compartmentalize between the madonna/whore syndrome and can't have fulfilling sex with a woman they love. OR can't have a real relationship with a woman they sexually crave.
This guy might be on your mind for years to come. Sounds like the marriage is a little boring. I guess that's a part of reality. Ask your husband if there is anything he would like to do sexually and see what you can do to connect sexually with him in a way you haven't done before.
BUT DON'T TELL HIM. Not yet! Live with the guilt for a while longer or you might blow it. You might never tell him as it is going to go over very poorly. No one wants to hear about that. Even if his indifference drove you away.
GOOD LUCK!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): These kind of things always rear there ugly head in the end,you are already riddled with guilt about what you have done, so how long before it starts to take its toll on you and changes you forever because you can't live with it. Tell your husband the whole truth and nothing but the truth, he will ask you all sorts of questions but you have to come clean, what kind of life do you have ahead of you living with this guilt and what will it be like if this was to come out in the future once you are committed back to your marriage. Your husband also has the right to know who and what he is married too, and then can make up his own mind whether or not he wants to be with you or forgive you but he has to have the choice for himself,better to come clean now for everyones sake at least that way you will also know where you stand for the future.Yes you are right mind over matter, you have hurt your lover and your spouse, so time to clear the mind and the guilt and decide what you really want once and for all, you gambled before now gamble again but at least free up your own mind. Hope this helps you
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (11 November 2008):
Blimey!! have you ever thought of writing a novel.
I do feel sorry for your predicament, and as you say! you only have yourself to blame. But to my mind you only have two options.
1) Tell him how you were feeling and why the affair happened. Maybe, just maybe he will forgive you.
2) keep it to yourself. Nobody ever needs to know as long as this relationship doesnt rear its ugly head again.
It all depends on if you can live with the guilt. Dont forget your husband is not blameless is he?. If he had come to you and told you how he felt in the first place it wouldnt have happened.
My partner has been a git in the past, and can be very un-afectionate. All the same I would never take a lover, for the reason that I couldnt live with the guilt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): We all make mistakes, and I can understand basically what you are going thru. My experience was almost identical to yours. I havent seen my lover for over a year now, and yes, it was extremely hard to keep going every day as he was foremost in my mind at all times. All I can say is time heals all wounds and think you need to decide if your marriage is strong enough to help you thru this. Try and put all your energy into your spouse and your marriage. If it helps, visit a counsellor to try and get things right in your head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): Everyone makes mistakes. We all fuck up now and then. But sometimes we make BIG mistakes, ones that are irreversable. In your case, you have 2 choices. Either you come clean, tell your husband about your affair. Sometimes the truth will set you free. If your husbands love for you is strong enough, your marriage will survive. If you think your marriage will not survive the affair, and you're not ready to give up your husband, then don't tell him. It will hurt in the beginning, you'll feel guilty for years but eventually, it'll be okay, depending on how strong you are. Make a decision, once you've made one, stick to it. If you choose your marriage, give it a 100%, and work toward something that will give your marriage more subtext...like maybe having a baby? Hope this helps
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