A
male
age
41-50,
*ryingMan
writes:Help. Please help. I am truly desperate and at the end of my sanity.I have been married for 3 years, together with her for a total of 5. I do love my wife as a person. I want to be "in love" with her, but she makes it difficult to do so. I know that my wife loves me in her own way, but she has barriers up that prevent our relationship from true emotional and even physical intimacy. I don't know where the barriers come from. She has refused to go to counseling with me (I have been going on my own to try to figure everything out). She even refused to read a long letter I had written about my feelings. She has begun to show me some more affection but...I don't know if she is doing it because she feels I need it or because she actually feels the affection. Still, the barriers are now palpable and have been for a long time now. I am certain they come from her past as she continues to feel and treat me as if I have been a wonderful husband. And apart from my indiscretion, I have.We just had our first baby. He is of course precious, beautiful, adorable and I am in love with him already. In my perfect world, I would stay in this family unit and be the best, most loving father possible. And the best, most loving husband possible. But she doesn't let me love her the way I want to, the way I need to, with the emotional and physical depth and connection that I need in my life.The other woman is, I believe, the love of my life. We have known each other for about 5 years also, started out as friendly acquaintances, but then our friendship grew as my marital troubles grew. I did try to talk to my wife but she was unresponsive, saying my feelings were my problem and that I had to find a way to deal with them. No compassion or attempt to work through my feelings with me at all.I was working up the courage to leave my wife when I found out she was pregnant. Yes, unprotected sex when having trouble is not smart. It was only the third time in two months we were together, and each of those times still felt kind of contrived by that point. I just wasn't thinking- or maybe when we were together, I was longing to feel the connection with her. Two months later, I'm getting set to leave and I find out she's pregnant.I was a wreck. I decided to stay and give it a try, to try to make everything work. But my love for the other one was too strong and things with my wife didn't really change. I became depressed. And I am now at a point where it boils down to the following: stay with my newborn son and see if my marriage can be fixed and will change for the better (which will require something from both of us), or realize that I have the feelings I have for a reason, tell my wife I'm just not in love anymore and move on. (The other does not want my wife to ever know because she wants to be able to be a good stepmother to my son in the future, and if my wife knew about her, it would make it nearly impossible to foster a relationship over time. Plus, my wife knows her. Not well, but she knows her nonetheless.)Part of me feels like if there is any chance at all with my wife, I should try to stay and work it out and bond with my son. If six months from now or a year from now I find I just can't do it, at least I will have formed a bond with my son and experienced that first year of life with him, something that can't be healed if lost. The other part of me thinks that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result, and that I will be emotionally happier and better able to be a good father to my son if I realize what the truth is and leave and start the rest of my life now. I can always be a good father to my son, even if I'm not under the same roof.I'm at a loss. I feel a death either way. The baby doesn't seem to make sense without my wife. I look at him and I look at her and it does make sense. But it doesn't change the barriers I feel from her (that she acknowledges are there and says feel "natural" to her since we're different human beings) or the overwhelming emotional, physical and mental connection I feel with the other woman. I felt like I was in love with the other woman well before we even kissed. Once we did, and once we made love...well, I can say that I have never felt anything like being with her. And the passion, compassion, mutual interest, caring, consideration, chemistry, laughter and joy we feel are far beyond anything I have ever known.So, there you have it. If there is anyone who can respond with real, constructive and not hair-trigger advice, I would say a prayer and blessing for you in 10 languages in 10 religions. I must decide now. The other one has waited for so long and is so devastated that she needs to move on if I can't be there for her now. She is not forcing me to do anything; just to tell her what I want to do and am going to do, but then I must do it. She was there for me earlier this year when i was going to leave and I backtracked, but her love for me was such that she stayed with this throughout the pregnancy. I have to decide now and I am so distraught over what to do. If you can give some thoughts, you will have helped out a fellow human being who is in pain. I am considered a good, warm, loving person, a decent human being...in a horrible situation that I know I created.Thank you for any thoughts you can share. You have no idea how much I would appreciate it.Sincerely,TryingMan
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (31 December 2010):
hi Trying Man - while it's good that you have truly given up your affair, I still question if the way you are staying in your marriage is a "good" idea. Meaning, emotionally healthy for both you and your wife and improving rather than worsening your situation. I'm talking about practical matters, not just moral/ethical ones.
A couple of things come to mind from reading all your posts (unless your thoughts have changed completely from what you've written earlier):
one is that you have indicated in more than one post that your staying and trying to work it out is only temporary for now unless things improve. That's certainly a valid decision. But you state that 6 months to 1 year's time frame is when you predict you may be able to know whether to stay with your wife permanently or not.
At the same time you've said:
"I may know that the marriage can't be salvaged after 3 months, 6 months, a year...who knows? But if I have spoken up and down the road I or we know it's just not there, we can have a more orderly divorce. We can work together in the best interests of our child. Yes, it will be sad, but it will be better than blindsiding her by leaving just a few weeks after the pregnancy. Even though I've been disappointed and sad in our marriage, she knows that that would be way out of character for me to do. And I know it, too."
the short time frame, combined with the fact that you are resolved to keep your past infidelity a secret (and I know there's schools of thought that says keeping secrets is better), makes it look like you're already planning an exit strategy and not expecting your marriage rebuilding to succeed (and given what you've written about your wife's behaviors, I wouldn't blame you for that since you can't change other people and who's to say she will change now when she hasn't despite your past efforts)..
thus it looks like you are only intending to stay for 6-12 months because it's important to you to spend the first year of your son's life in the same house as him whereas after his first year you will feel OK about divorcing and living apart.
Also it sounds like you believe that divorcing now would rock the boat too much, but divorcing after a year's time is somehow "easier" so that's why you feel OK with divorcing in a year's time but not right now.
is this correct? Not judging, just trying to get at the truth.
If my interpretation is correct, this is what I think, personally:
(1) I don't think there's anything wrong with putting a time frame on marriage rebuilding efforts. this is a practical measure because some marriages truly can't be saved. However, 6-12 months seems very short to assess a marriage as broken as yours - i.e. where there has been long-term infidelity to the point of you almost leaving several times, and it's still being kept a secret, and this is on top of the baggage your wife brought into the marriage from the start....also you're still secretly recovering from a relationship break up, which alone can take that much time during which you are still not completely present emotionally in your marriage.
Thus, if you're serious about working on your marriage, I would think you should lengthen your time frame before you expect to re-evaluate whether to stay permanently or not. If the thought of longer is too overwhelming and not something you feel you can handle, then why not be honest and ask for a divorce or separation now.
(2) It seems that for now you know you are staying primarily for your son, and just hoping your marriage improves to make things more tolerable, but you still feel that you will probably divorce at some point in the near future (6-12 months is a time frame you have mentioned more than once). Therefore, I wonder if this is going to self-sabotage your marriage rebuilding efforts..??
(3) Your lover apparently has a rebound relationship already. And how do you know about this? haven't you cut off all contact with her? You should be cutting off ALL contact if you're serious about working on your marriage. No "remaining friends", at least not for a very long time until your marriage is truly stable (I'm thinking, YEARS of no-contact, some people would say forever...) ...because it messes with your mind and sabotages your marriage rebuilding efforts.
Your lover could be playing mind games with you, trying to get back at you for hurting her or trying to make you jealous. This is another reason you need to cut off all contact or it will interfere with your efforts to work on your marriage.
(4) Since your lover has a rebound relationship, ask yourself the hard question, are you sure this isn't why you are staying in your marriage?
(5) If you are already planning a possible exit strategy in 6 months' to 1 years time, do you think this will be an even bigger blindside to your wife than if you were to leave her now? Because then she would have wasted all that extra time thinking you were really working on the marriage, when instead you were just there to spend time with your son and waiting to see if things improve. Do you think that the longer you wait, the harder it will be to follow through with a divorce and thus the greater the likelihood of continuing in this state of unrest indefinitely.
As for your decision to not confess your affair to your wife. I realize there are schools of thought which say dont' confess. However, as a pragmatist, I think that keeping secrets leads to very real tangible problems, not just moral/ethical ones. Such as:
Keeping your affair a secret will very likely still affect your behavior toward your wife. unless you're a very good actor who can keep up an act 24/7, the fact that you're still experiencing the pain and withdrawal from a relationship breakup means that for a long time to come you're going to be moody, depressed, irritable, avoidant...things like that. If something reminds you of your lover, your mood will change. Again, maybe you are a very good actor and can hide these things, but can you hide it forever or at least for a very very long time? Your weird behavior will affect your wife, she'll probably notice it. You may tell her it's due to work stress or baby stress or whatever, but if so this may lead her - if she's truly trying to rebuild the marriage - to do things differently to ease your work stress or baby stress and it will not make a darn difference because that's not the real reason for your weird behavior. it's misleading her, sending her barking up the wrong tree which will be very frustrating and discouraging for her.
How can she do her part to work on the marriage if she's being misled, is all I'm saying. This is a purely practical matter. Are you giving her a fair chance to work on the marriage? Are you giving yourself a fair chance to rebuild your marriage if you're also placing on yourself the additional burden of having to put on an act around your wife?
If you confessed your affair, you would still be in withdrawal from your relationship breakup but you would be able to openly deal with it, not hide it. Hiding true feelings and true thoughts is exhausting and can really take a toll on you psychologically over the long term. At the least it can very likely make you avoidant because you're trying to minimize the internal conflict inside you. Again, this changes the relationship dynamics between you and your wife, and is a practical matter not just a moral or ethical one.
Again, are you self-sabotaging your marriage rebuilding efforts, by keeping secrets?
Your defense is that your wife says if you've cheated she doesn't want to know about it. Well this is pretty messed up too and I'm sorry she has this attitude. How are you two supposed to improve your marital relationship if she doesn't want to know the truth so you are keeping secrets? She wants to maintain major communication barriers and you're going along with it and encouraging it. Do you think you already have your answer now about whether this marriage will work?
Maybe you will be content to have a marital relationship that's merely "tolerable" but not a truly healthy or truly happy and fulfilling one. If so, that's certainly your choice. Many people settle for these kinds of marriages.
But ask yourself if this will leave you open and vulnerable to an affair again in the future, if you are still feeling deprived in your marriage and your needs are still not being met. I mean, it's already happened, you know it's a real possibility. Again, this is a PRACTICAL issue, not just a moral/ethical one. Also ask yourself what kind of a home atmosphere it will be for your son to grow up in. What kind of model you are providing him of family life.
anyway it sounds like you've made up your mind so I hope you know what you are doing, and that your situation really does improve, and good luck for the coming new year!
A
male
reader, TryingMan +, writes (31 December 2010):
TryingMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much again for everyone's thoughts and consideration. I truly appreciate it. I wanted to point out a few things or add a few pieces of information based on the responses some people have submitted.First, as to telling her - I am finding that there are two schools of thought on disclosure: one that it is for her, and one that it is for me. Half say tell, half say don't if I can bring myself back into the marriage without the disclosure. I'm not wrestling with whether I should tell her or not. Right now, I'm not. The thing that tips the scale is that she has always been insistent that if I ever did anything with anyone else, she wouldn't want to know about it. What I'm focusing on right now is this: by having the affair, I was not giving all of myself to trying to make my marriage work. So how can I point a finger at my wife and say that she wasn't either? It takes two...I realize that now.I did try at first with my wife but she shut me down. I wrote a long, heartfelt letter after many months of trying to talk to her - she rejected it and told me my depression about our lack of intimacy was my problem, not hers. That I should find other things to do rather than focus on our intimacy. I promise you, the letter was loving and compassionate. Her response was, I am who I am, deal with it. No sympathy or compassion or introspection or effort to say, let's talk about how we can make this better together. Also: she refused counseling. Said she would never, ever go.A few months later, I wrote another letter. She refused to read it. Said if I had something to say, to say it. I responded that what I had to say worked better in a letter, and that I would rather she take the time to read my thoughts, think about them and then respond. Why? Because I had never made any headway talking to her. Again - she just shuts down any conversation. So - that letter has gone unread to this day.She is, by her own acknowledgement, closed to true emotional intimacy. She won't say why; she won't talk about it. She just says that that is who and how she is. I can tell you that after many months of therapy, it has been hard, but I think I have finally stopped beating my head against a wall and realized that, yeah, this is who she is, no matter how much I would like that to be different.The other woman? She is the definition of emotional intimacy. Connected with physical intimacy. Caring, nurturing, compassionate.HOWEVER: I realize this. By straying, I was not working on my marriage. No way I could be half in, half out and not giving my marriage every effort. If I walked away now, I'm not giving my marriage a full chance - leaving no stone unturned. If I do all I can, maybe she'll follow suit in her own way and something will spark. She's not mean and, despite what I've written, she's not cold. She's just...behind a wall. It's up to her to come out of it. I need her to come out of it, just a little bit. If she does, and we can make it work, I will thank the lord because he would have given me the world. I would love nothing more than a happy home for me, my wife and our child. That, to me, is worth every effort - which I have not been giving my marriage.If it doesn't work - if it just isn't going to happen and I can't live in the marriage anymore - at least I will know that I gave the marriage a 100% effort without any distractions on the side. I would be leaving for me, and not because I wanted to be with another woman. Also, this will give me time to bond with my child, so that if I ever did leave, my son would know me, I would know my son, and our relationship would have a more solid foundation for the future. This is as much for me as it is for him - maybe even more so. But I know that it will help me to be a good father. I just know it.I know my situation is not perfect. I know I broke the marriage contract by straying. I know I should have seen the red flags long before I strayed and that the biggest red flag of all was the fact that I actually did stray. I am remorseful for this. But I am human. I tried for over a year to bridge the canyon that developed in my relationship, where my wife give me little more than cardboard to hold in my arms. Some of the things she said are so ludicrous to me that I won't even write them here. But I do think she has listened to me now - without acknowledging this explicitly - and has shown signs of this. Will it be enough? Can we establish a level of intimacy that works for both her and me? I don't know, quite honestly. But it's worth a try, and I understand that there was no way I was really trying while I was having an affair.Ending the affair has hurt so much. I do miss the other woman. I had the chance to leave my wife and infant son and be with a woman who loves me wonderfully and whom I love wonderfully. Who was ready to do all she could to be a good stepmom to my son. But the price of going for me, right now, is too high and it's too selfish. Yes, yes, I know a lot of you will give me a hair trigger response and say it's selfish of me to stay in the marriage when my heart is with another woman, etc. But I shut down the affair and am trying to bring my heart back into the four walls of my home, with my wife and my son. I'm not just saying this: I truly am trying. What a waste to say goodbye to the other woman if I'm not going to make my decision worth something. And everyone involved - me, my wife, my son, even the other woman - deserve nothing less than my full effort here. I have to make this count. So yes, I really am trying. In my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. I want this to be - need this to be - a real, honest try.The other woman has now moved on to another lover. Real or rebound (I actually think it's real...), it doesn't matter: she deserves to be happy. It hurts; I'm jealous of their laughter and their lovemaking, for sure. I'm trying to move on, and slowly succeeding. But again, the price for the alternative was too high. If, down the road, the world turns a certain way and we find ourselves able to be together, so be it. It won't be on the heels of an affair.So - there you have it - another update. Either my effort works, and we will have a happy home and an intact family. Or it won't, but it won't be for my lack of trying. I want to give my wife - my family - a legitimate chance. I will do all I can do and then see what she is willing to do. Again, she won't go to counseling, won't read any books. I can only lead the horse to water, you know...? But we'll see. I want to be able to look at myself straight in the mirror again and know that whatever decision I make, the decision is clear, honest and legitimate and that no stone was left unturned.I know my outlook is not the only one that is valid, right, wrong, whatever. But given my feelings, they are valid for me. Difficult, but valid. I need to be able to live with myself before I can live with my wife and son. I'm trying - I'm truly trying. This is the only way I can be whole. If I can get there, only then can I really know what the right next step is. I'm not there yet. But certainly, by straying I wasn't going to move forward in a healthy way, for better or for worse, and that wasn't going to help anyone. In fact, it was only hurting everyone.I hope I can get where I need to be, for everyone's sake. I will let this sentiment be my guide, give it my all and then hope for the best - whatever that may turn out to be.Happy New Year to all. Best wishes for love and happiness beginning in 2011 and lasting for life.- TryingMan
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I just read my own comments to you and realised that I missed out the most important:
You have to tell your wife of your affair. How does she fix her marriage if she doesn't know it is broken and basically how much broken it is.
Although u have made the decision to stay you will always be looking for a way out. Your wife will be wondering why, when she is trying her utmost that her marriage is not coming right. You owe it to here to be honest. Right now there is a disease, perhaps incurable in her marriage. No matter what her alternatives are, she will not be able to effectively combat this disease bec she doesn't know and understand the root cause effect.
So yes if you truly want to be the man whom your son can be proud of, and. For him to look up to you and respect You then you need to be honourable. You need to be decent to his mother.
It all start with honest communication.
You do not want to wake up one day where u even cannot look your son in the eye.
The lies stop now and proper honest communication should start.
Your wife is a good decent woman, she deserves honesty. And you need to tell her about your mistress. She will be hurt but at least she will know what she is dealing with. This is the only way forward.
Anything else will actually destroy your marriage, and will destroy your boy as he grows up.
Just think abut it.
Cut off all ties with your mistress. You have been unfair to your wife from day one. You always had your other woman in your life, as a so called friend and then your lover. From day one you short changed your wife. This is so unfair and it is blatantly wrong.
So plse cut off all ties with your lover and learn to be a faithful hb, both faithful emotionally as well as sexually.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (30 December 2010):
 So, you expect your wife to make you feel better - emotionally, mentally, and physically, and you say there are barriers. How is she supposed to make you feel better when you are actually creating barriers yourself? You are in love with someone else- don't you think your wife can sense that you are also not emotionally, mentally, or physically open with her? Maybe, she is merely reacting to you. I don't know what you should do- stay with your wife or leave her, it's up to you and it's your decision. But, I think you will regret leaving your wife. You have a child with her. You obviously care about her. But, if you do leave your wife, and you have this other woman around who is amazing... well, then what? You will be constantly going from girl to girl from then on, because you really think that this connection with the other woman will last? You have already shown that feelings for your wife faded; what makes you think feelings for this other woman wouldn't fade as well? These are questions that I think you should be asking yourself. Put your feelings aside for now and think more of the consequences of your actions. Think about how your actions will affect both of these woman and where your priorities lie. You're an adult with a child- you shouldn't be acting like the child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Since you've decided to stay in your marriage, you should be honest to your wife and confess your affair. You can't work on your marriage while still hiding secrets and true feelings from her. Otherwise you're still betraying her trust and misleading her.
You yanked her around enough already by cheating on her, almost leaving her then getting her pregnant and staying, only to almost leave her again, and now staying reluctantly for the kid while still looking over your shoulder, and still keeping secrets. You're still playing games here, this has to stop if you're going to stay with her.
If you truly are ambivalent about staying due to the other woman, then your wife needs to know that this is the real reason otherwise how can you work on your marriage under false premises?. You say you've 'put all the cards on the table' with her? if you haven't confessed your affair and how close you came to leaving her for another woman then, no, you most definitely have not put all cards on the table, not even close. Don't kid yourself.
You said you made the decision to stay, and people are applauding you. However I don't think it's right to stay with your wife under false premises while still playing games with her. You need to be honest and tell her everything. Yes by being honest it may lead to the marriage ending anyway. But thing is, you should not be the only one who gets to decide if this marriage continues or not, and by witholding crucial information you're basically robbing her of her right to be an equal decision maker in her own marriage and the life of her son - Yes he is her son too, not just yours!! She has the right to know everything so she can make decisions for his future too.
And need I say more, you've also yanked your lover around by taking advantage of her compassion for you. First telling her you'll commit to her yet getting your wife pregnant, then telling her again that you'll commit to her only to retract it again. You've been playing games with her too. Please don't contact her again even if you end up divorced.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): I think, Trying man , that now you have made that final decision to stay with your wife instead of your lover, you need to stick to this resolution. You cannot run from one woman to another, then your word has no honour. It will be so easy to end your marriage for your lover but where does this leave you, in another thread u mentioned you are a good, decent guy. Then perhaps let your words mirror your actions.
Plse realise that if u want your marriage then u need to cut all contact with your ex lover. You shortchanged your wife the first time. This other woman has been worming her way into every facet of your life, starting as mere friendship. If u truly want to be a changed man then cut off all contact with her, even as friends.
I have no faith in people who invade other peoples marriages. I have no respect for other women who take married men. I question their decency, honour and integrity.
Plse use the new year to make some positive difference in your life.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 December 2010):
I'm sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like you keep flip flopping between different courses of action because you are trying to run away from taking responsibility for your actions. And you are STILL doing it.
I think you are digging yourself into an ever deepening hole, you need to "man up" and be honest for once.
First you chose to have an affair instead of divorcing your wife whom you no longer wanted to be with (this is obviously being dishonest). OK so you tried to make it work, she would not cooperate, fine. You should have divorced her at that point instead of having an affair.
Then you were finally going to come clean and leave her (which would finally be the honest thing to do) but then you got her pregnant (again a very bad thing to do because of the circumstances, not to mention hurtful to your girlfriend whom you say is your true love and who was of course devastated).
Then you decided to leave your wife after all because you don't love her (which would finally be the honest thing to do) but found that you are enamored with your kid so you want to stay with your wife (um...?)
Now you have hurt your girlfriend whom you truly love and who has supported you, by telling her you will finally be with her (finally being honest for once) only to then change your mind (*sheesh*).
Does your word mean nothing? Do you make promises only to break them later on - such as your marriage vow which you broke when you had an affair, and now telling your girlfriend, whom you proclaim so many times is THE love of your life (and I believe you from the way you write about her), that you would be with her for real only to go back on it? How can you do that to someone you claim you love so much?
And now you are hurting your wife by staying married to her just because you don't want to be away from your kid, when you know your heart and soul still belong to the other woman, and while still keeping your affair a secret.
Dude, you need to MAN UP and live honestly rather than trying to do damage-control because that digs you even deeper into the mess...
I know your situation is difficult and you're trying to do the right thing after having made mistakes. But that means being honest even if it hurts people because trying to cover up the truth to avoid immediate fall out will only snowball later on.
You're obviously too afraid to leave your wife (it sounds like the reason you're staying with her is not because of love for her but because of the fear of future guilt over the child) so since you've decided to stay in your marriage you owe it to your wife to tell her about your affair.
You can't rebuild a marriage while keeping secrets, especially a secret so huge as this, that you broke your marriage vows and your heart still longs for someone else, and how close you came to actually leaving her.
Your wife needs to know who she is dealing with so she can have all the information she needs to make decisions for HER own life. Have you considered that??
If you tell your wife about your affair and she chooses to stay with you then at least you can go forward honestly (whether the marriage will work or not in the end is another matter)...if she chooses to leave you and take the kid away from you then that is the way it has to be ... because YOU CREATED THIS MESS in the first place by getting her pregnant when you actually wanted to leave her to be with someone else.
Working on your marriage now is not the same as if you had done it way back when. Because truth is that you DID have an affair which is extremely destructive to a relationship even if kept secret and ended because it messes with your mind and heart. Your wife needs to know the extent of the marriage problems if you are going to rebuild your marriage.
You have a child to think about now, don't you want your son to grow up in an honest household (whether with your wife or with someone else) not one built on lies and secrets??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Thank you for making the Right decision.
I want to be firm with you and say: Just stop this about 'your Love'. You are just too focused on her that you still rob your family. If u think u are sacrificing your life for them, then do them no favours and get out of their lives. When you had a lover you stole from your family, yes STOLE, and now u continue to steal from them bec you are not 200% committed. You need to re evaluate your life. Did you sacrifice your lover for your son? Yes, and why not? Do you short change your wife while u were with your lover? Yes!
If you are back in your marriage then u need to start re investing in your wife. You say she is a good woman then teach her to open up and teach her to love. Teach her to make love to u the way u want to. If you want the same passion and lust u experienced with your lover then it is up to YOU to teach your wife. Or else you will be at fault for not teaching her.
This is a hard time in your life but all is not lost. Your marriage can survive and can be beautiful if YOU choose it to be.
Start re connecting with the wife.
Help her over come her inhibitions.
Teach her to become a better lover.
Do not only focus on your son. Your wife should come first.
Start communicating with the wife. Tell her your dreams, your fears, your fantasies.
Get professional counselling as well.
Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Both you and your wife need to watch it together. You won't be sorry.
Lastly if you want to be honourable to your wife CUT OFF ALL ties with your ex lover. Basically she mustnt exist in your life. If you want your marriage to work and if you truly want to be this great family man then your mistress must remain just a memory. I think your wife deserves to have a hb who is faithful in every facet of his life.
Good luck and please remember take baby steps.
Take every day as it comes. Easy does it.you will have good days and even worse ones.
But the challenge is to anchor down and remain firm in your decision to be a hb to your wife.
It is a challenge not for the feint hearted and I think u will accept this challenge bec it is worth it.
Take Care
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): hello I just came across your thread. Wow...what a mess! I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
My take is this: from reading all you wrote right from the beginning, it seems you have chosen to stay in your marriage solely for the sake of your child. Please be advised that many people believe this is NOT a good idea. You can do an internet search "staying married for the sake of the children" or some similar search terms, and you will get a lot of explanations for why this may not good in the long run.
If you had said in your latest update that you chose to stay married because you see potential for your marriage to be what you want, then I would say go for it!! But that's not what you said, instead you said you know you have walked away from the true Love of your life, going back reluctantly to your loveless marriage, the only reason is because of your newborn son. I feel very sad when I read those words.
my view is that marriage is for the sake of the marital relationship between husband and wife. marriage is not for the kids. You are married to the woman you're with, not to your kids. If it would have been "right" for you to leave your marriage were it not for your kid, it is still "right" for you to leave the marriage in spite of having a child.
Why do you say that by leaving your wife you are essentially abandoning your child? You speak of never being able to hold him again, or see him again, until further down the road. I'm curious as to why this is. I'm from a divorced family, and I have always had both biological parents and step parents in my life for as long as I can remember so I'm not sure why you equate leaving your wife with leaving your son. But then again I dont' know the details of your personal circumstances.
The reason that many people say it's 'bad' to stay married just for the sake of the kids is because children learn about family and marriage relationships from watching their parents or the adults in their household. I have friends who now as adults really resent and disrespect their parents for having stayed married for their sake.
I guess a good barometer is this - do you want your son to have the same kind of marriage you do? because that is what will likely happen.
I've also had friends who like me came from divorced families and 'blended' families (where their parents re-married) and are more emotionally healthy and stable now as adults, because we were exposed as children to a model of happy and non-dysfunctional marriages.
I was too young to remember my original family (my parents divorced when I was a toddler) which I think is actually good because all I have ever known is my two step families and they seem normal to me because that's what I've known all my life and I have so many happy memories from my childhood. I am very close to my half siblings. At my wedding, both my biological dad and my step dad gave me away.
However when parents divorce when kids are older, kids have a harder time adjusting. I'm lucky that my parents divorced when I was too young to remember so I never had any 'adjustment' that I was aware of, all I've ever known is two happy and sane step families.
My view of marriage is that it is for the husband and wife's relationship, because you two are partners in life's journey together....life is MORE than being a parent. You are also a husband, and you are also whatever else you do in your life with your spouse by your side. your kids will eventually grow up and leave the house and then you are left with....your wife and marriage... this is why marriage is not for the sake of the kids, you are not married to your kids. You CAN raise healthy well adjusted kids without being married to their other biological parent. What matters for the kids is the daily home environment a kid is raised in, NOT the fact that both biological parents are in the same house.
I can practically feel the pain and heartbreak in your words when you describe giving up the Love Of Your Life. I worry if over time this may really gnaw at you and make you resent your wife since your marriage was already loveless to begin with.
I have a feeling that you chose to stay in your marriage out of parental guilt. You talk repeatedly about how if you leave now, that all manner of disaster will befall your son. I want to assure you this is not the case, you can make it work. Countless divorced and separated parents have done it, including mine, and so can you.
Again, if you had said you decided to stay in your marriage because you realize your wife is more important to you than your lover, and you see value in the original marital relationship, then I would say it's the "right" thing to do. But you sounded so sure that your lover is the real true Love of Your Life, and so sure that your wife is not anywhere close and hasn't ever been...and you're only staying in your marriage because of your kid....and that if it weren't for your kid you would have left long ago....that's why my heart is breaking for you, because coming from my perspective it so does not have to be that way...but everyone's circumstances are different, and if you feel you made the right decision, you will be OK with it no matter what.
And if you believe that by giving up your lover, you can truly make your marriage work and be what you need it to be, then I think you have made the right choice.
I wish you all the best in your new journey in the new year!
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reader, TryingMan +, writes (26 December 2010):
TryingMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo: I have another update on my situation. And all of you who have answered me and shared your own pain and crises have been angels to me - so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I stayed. I stayed in the home and in my marriage, with my wife and my newborn son.
I said goodbye - most likely for good - to the woman who could very well be the love of my life. No...is the love of my life. Who am I kidding...she is.
It came down to this. After holding my son, one thing was clear: I love him and I will never have another chance to hold him like this, to be there for him, to be there with him, if I leave now. Yes, I can have a relationship with him at some point down the road. Who knows what that relationship will look like - who knows how much resentment he will hold, how it will be if I have children with someone else and he begins to ask why they get to live with me but he doesn't? To leave a newborn? To not even give him or me a chance to be together and to make it work? To not take the time to know him, to be there for him as he's just entering this world and skip off only to see him a few hours a couple of times a week and every other weekend (if I'm lucky...)? That will rip a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever heal and possibly - and even worse - do the same to him.
My wife? I have been warmed by watching her with our son. And I have spoken my mind and my heart to her. No, I did not tell her about the affair. But I put all my cards on the table in a loving, constructive way. She has shown some acknowledgement - again, as I said in my first letter, she is not a (forgive the word, please) bitch. She is not mean. She is not toxic. She is "barriered", lives behind walls she has constructed. But I know she loves me, in her own way. I mean that - I'm not imagining this - I know she does.
At this point, I will focus on building my relationship with my son. As for my wife, let's see what happens. I will never know if I'm not 100% in the house and the marriage with her, and by having an affair, I now know - and will try not to fool myself any longer - that for the last year I have split myself off so that I wasn't giving my marriage my all. This is such an important realization to me. It doesn't ease the pain of missing my Love; but I know this is the type of realization that, when looking back, I will feel comfortable with. I will know it's the right way to look at this.
The thing is, it's not a clear-cut decision. I knew I and others would suffer immensely either way I chose. But the one thing that I could not live with was not giving my son a chance to live a full life with me and me a chance to live a full life with my son. Leaving after a few weeks does not constitute a chance.
I may know that the marriage can't be salvaged after 3 months, 6 months, a year...who knows? But if I have spoken up and down the road I or we know it's just not there, we can have a more orderly divorce. We can work together in the best interests of our child. Yes, it will be sad, but it will be better than blindsiding her by leaving just a few weeks after the pregnancy. Even though I've been disappointed and sad in our marriage, she knows that that would be way out of character for me to do. And I know it, too.
At this point, it's been a month or so since I told my Love that I was going to leave the marriage and come to her. But I failed her and told her I couldn't do it. It devastated her. It is devastating me, every minute of every day. In my heart and in my body I want to be with her, but I put this in motion when my wife first became pregnant. I'm afraid I made the wrong decision by staying, but after a million conversations with friends who are dads living away from their kids, I believe - 51% to 49% - that if there is a chance to salvage the home, the marriage, an intact family, you take it. There will be other lovers; there won't be another chance to give your child a loving home.
Missing my Love feels like death. But I think about the possible ramifications of leaving now. How I would feel about myself, what it might do to my son, how, if I have even a shred of doubt that leaving is the right thing to do, I shouldn't do it. My son deserves that - forget even about me and my wife.
Still - the decision is so hard. I miss my Love's laugh, her warmth, her compassion, her passion; I miss making love to her more than I could ever put into any words. I miss her joy. And I know she has moved on in order to try to forget about me, too, even though she doesn't want to. She can't wait for me anymore, and I knew that, and she knew that, going into my decision.
If anyone out there can share their advice, their support, maybe even a "you won't regret it even if you don't stay together, because giving your child a chance is something you will always know was the right thing to do" - any thoughts would be so deeply welcome and so deeply appreciated. Some people may think there is a right and a wrong here. They are right. Some may think there is no right and wrong, only what is best for me, or what seems "more right" for me, or for all involved. They are right, too. Thoughts? From people who have saved their marriage? From dads who live away from their kids? From people who have left a marriage for true love?
Thank you all. Merry Christmas, and God bless.
TryingMan
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): I commend you for making a tough decision. I say this is a tough decision because I suspect most men in your position would stay in their miserable marriages, with wives they don't want to be married to, purely out of guilt and fear of retribution or what others will think of them if they were to leave. Staying with someone you don't want to be with is NOT honorable because in the end such a relationship will hurt them too, not just you. It is not easy to be honest and leave a marriage and face judgment from people who would shame you for leaving, and it sounds like you have truly done all you could to make your marriage work but just have reached an impasse.just remember, you are not the first father on this earth who loves his kids and yet is divorced from his kids' biological mother. There isn't just ONE model of what a family should be - both biological parents living together with their children. This is the ideal, yes because that presumes that there is a lot of love throughout the entire family. But it is not the only way to be a family. Just having the kid grow up in a house with two adult warm bodies who happen to both be his biological parents doesn't in and of itself make for the kid's best interests.And certainly keeping the outer facade of both biological parents living together, while there is no love between them, is NOT the same thing as the ideal model, it is just an empty facade.Most people will say you should not stay married just for the sake of your kids and there are a lot of sound reasons for this.Ideally you would leave the marriage and be on your own for awhile before meeting someone new. But life doesn't always follow a neatly packaged linear path. sometimes, the new and healthier relationship enters the picture as the old relationship is already dying. I would however, be completely honest with your wife about the situation. Even though you are leaving her, she needs to know why. You will continue to have some sort of relationship with her for the rest of your lives since you two share a kid, so you need to make this new relationship with your soon-to-be-ex as healthy and sane as possible.I wish you the best of luck on your new journey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): thanks for the update Trying man.
Well you have chosen your lover instead of your wife. u are entitled to this. better now than waste any more of your wifes and your good years.
i just have one vital question: you blame your wife for everything gone bad in your marriage. last time i checked, it takes 2 to mess up a marriage. surely u can acknowledge this. also realise that you chose your lover over your wife, instead of working at your marriage (and plse realise i am not knocking you) and continuously trying you - not flogging a dead horse but really trying. dont be cruel to your wife and u know she will be hurt tremendously by your affair so how about just being honest with her once and for all. i think she deserves this. i also hope your lover is all she makes out to be. in the end mistresses rarely make the transition into the "wife" role so i am hoping you are one of the lucky 12%.
I am glad you have decided that you will still be the best dad to your son.
Good luck and i hope you know what u are doing.
LoveGirl
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reader, TryingMan +, writes (29 November 2010):
TryingMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all for your responses. I don't have a lot of time now to respond, and I will try to write more at a future date. For now, I will say the following.
I look at my son, and I am in love with him. I cannot fathom walking out of the house in which he will be raised. But it doesn't change the fact that my wife has chosen not to look at our marriage as just that - OUR marriage - and listen, and band together, and work out the issues with me.
As for the other woman, I can't help but feel that I am supposed to be with her. Ours is not just a physical relationship. There is an incredible emotional, physical and mental bond. There is commonality in our backgrounds and in our outlooks on life. There is so much more that ties us together, too. When I think of what life, love and marriage are supposed to be - or what I want them to be - it looks and feels exactly like what I have with the other woman.
For the life of me I don't want to leave the house in which my son will be raised. But I will feel an emptiness there in my marriage unless somehow, my wife listens to me and embraces counseling; listens to how I feel; sympathizes, empathizes, and doesn't tell me that my problems are my problems alone (as she has done to this point). When someone comes to their spouse in pain - not once but several times - and comes to them constructively, showing they care about the marriage and want it to thrive - the other spouse should WANT to listen, should want to come closer to work it out.
So...I think I know which way I have to go. But I dread going that way. I still don't know if I'll have the courage to go through with it, and it will kill me to know that I won't be there day in, day out with my son. But it doesn't change the fact that I am committed to being the best possible father I can be, and part of that is, I think, making sure he doesn't grow up in a household where his father is in pain because his mother has chosen to stay locked inside her own cold, detached castle.
TryingMan
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): This is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
If you stay with your wife, it could be the 'wrong' decision because you will be harboring negative feelings towards her which may grow and grow and manifest itself in destructive ways. I mean it already has manifested - you've been having an affair. You have broken your marriage vows. this is also unfair to your other woman who has waited for and supported you only to be left hanging and then discarded.
If you leave your wife, it could also be the "wrong" decision because your son will grow up without having his dad living with him and I'm sure your wife will not appreciate your leaving her at this vulnerable time with a new infant to take care of!!
I'm sorry but there is no clear cut path. Each option will involve someone you care about getting hurt and being unfair to them.
You really should have not had an affair, and then even then you really should not have had unprotected sex with your wife you didn't love when you were still having an affair. I suggest you just take a deep breath, flip a coin for one of the options (since both seem equally bad it's unclear which is the better choice) and then take whatever is coming to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): Some questions you may want to ask yourself:1. Are you basing your decision to leave or not, based on how you feel about your wife/marriage only? Or are you doing a comparison between your wife and lover? the reason is because it is an unfair comparison. You have seen your wife in unflattering situations, you have not seen your lover in those same situations because you don't as yet live with your lover. But the flip side is that you have experienced domestic bonding moments with your wife - sharing household duties, holding your newborn child, sharing childcare duties. These things bond you together. And you have not experienced these moments with your lover because your lover hasn't had a chance to do these things with you because you don't live together. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't be comparing your wife to your lover (on some level) because it is like comparing apples and oranges. It is a false comparison. I think you can compare them in other ways like basic personality compatibility with yours, or whether your backgrounds are similar. But just be very cautious when comparing them because it is totally different "worlds" that you interact with each of them in.2. You have known for 9 months that you were going to have a baby with your wife. Why then, have you not already come to a decision by now? Your post makes it sound as if the birth of your son was the crisis point for you to decide. But you've already known for 9 months.were you putting off making a decision until the baby is born, just so you can 'see how it feels' to decide whether or not you want to stay?? 3. You said "I decided to stay and give it a try, to try to make everything work. But my love for the other one was too strong and things with my wife didn't really change."There is the problem that you CAN'T honestly and truly work on your relationship with your wife while simultaneosly continuing the relationship with the other woman. If you really want to work on your relationship with your wife, you need to break up with the other woman first. My guess is that you were "feeling around" to see if things could get better with your wife, but not being committed to it. I don't blame you though, since by this point the marital relationship has already deteriorated so much. And I suspect that due to your love for the other woman, you deep down probably didn't really want to work it out with your wife anymore...not a criticism, just trying to help point out more truths, if they are ...4. Please also talk to your lover about how she feels about all this, if you haven't already. You say she has been very supportive of you. But who knows she may be building up resentment. Women have a hard time accepting it when the man they love get someone else pregnant!!! She may be feeling like you cheated on her since you were going to leave your marriage to be with her and then you got someone else (i.e. your wife) pregnant....She says she is willing to be a step parent to your child if you were to leave your wife. Has she REALLY thought this through? does this change now that your baby has actually been born and is not just an abstract idea anymore?? does she trust you to not cheat on her the way you cheated with her on your wife? Do you trust her not to cheat on you??
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I can sympathize for I was in a similar situation to you except I was the other woman. what I am doing now is simply moving on with my life and dealing with the hurt and pain. I did not give my man an ultimatum, once his baby was born I simply left, I just can't do it. he did want to marry me but then he got his wife pregnant and I did not talk with him about being a step parent to his child if he were to leave his wife. I could do it under different circumstances - if we broke up and then he divorced his wife FIRST and then after some time contacted me to get together, then I could consider being a step parent. But not like this, I can't even think about having any relationship with his child while he is still married to the child's mother. for me what it boils down to is that by having the affair already I was stretching my moral boundaries - I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help it because he and I truly loved each other. Once his baby was born, I couldn't stretch my conscience any more. So I have left.
Now for your situation.
You are right, you do need to make a decision, and to do it now or at least in the near future. I commend you for having the consideration to do this and for actually being serious about marrying your other woman. So many married men in affairs would have just strung on their other woman indefinitely and be too cowardly to make the tough decision in choosing one or the other, they would just try to prolong the situation to avoid losing something. So, I commend you on your courage and wanting to do the "right" thing, whatever it is.
I do however have a question for you which is how can a man have unprotected sex with a wife he really doesn't love? You did it, and so did my affair partner. I just don't understand the male psyche about this, I guess. And since your wife had barriers to emotional and physical intimacy, how did SHE accept having unprotected sex with you??? that is just so bizarre and I really am curious. Please answer this question because it's been bugging me.
Anyway....
Do you actually love your wife but are just suffering too much from having your needs unmet? Or do you just feel attached to her (because of familiarity and because she is the mother of your child) ?
I think that if you are really suffering daily from unmet needs and rejection, you should get out of the marriage. suffering unmet needs for years and years, will turn you into a negative person and then not just her but you too will have barriers and the whole family atmosphere will get soured. Get out now before it gets to that stage so that your kid doesn't have to see it or get impacted by it. Also if you divorce now while your child is still very young, then it may actually be "better" for him than if you waited until he was older before you divorced - not because you are waiting intentionally, but because you stayed and continued trying to beat a dead horse only to reach this conclusion 5 or 10 or more years from now. Research shows that there are certain age periods where children are more negatively impacted by divorce (teenage years is one)...
If you leave now when he's still too young to remember an intact home and he grows up in separate homes, well it will be all he has known so it won't feel abnormal to him, unlike if you divorced when he's much older and used to having both of you together.
Do some web research - google for studies done on the effects on children when parents stay together just for the sake of the children, versus the effects of divorce. Yes the results can be mixed and contradictory but you will have more information to make your choice.
You could also go back into counseling, but this time for this reason. family therapists would be more familiar with the effects of divorce on children.
If you decide to leave your wife, though, I would NOT immediately jump into an open relationship with your other woman. Your wife will then know that you left your marriage to be with someone else and this will kill all chances for any amicable working relationship between the two of them (if you are going to marry the other woman and she will become a step mother to your child)....rather I suggest you leave your wife but live on your own for at least a year and during that time either keep your relationship with the other woman very hushed or else put it on hold completely and then you can resume it openly after the divorce is finalized and some time has passed.
Finally, the conventional wisdom is that you should leave your marriage based ONLY on the marriage itself and not because you want to be with someone else. So, if you had never met your other woman at all, would you right now leave your wife? If you can honestly say the answer is yes then you are making the "right" decision the "right" way. But if you can honestly say that you may choose to stay with your wife if you didn't have someone else you preferred to be with...then most people will say you are leaving for the wrong reasons.
good luck
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