A
female
age
36-40,
*ikolas11
writes:I'm a female in a relationship with another female. I have trust issues due to previous infidelities in past relationships. I know that it's unfair for me to question her when she's done nothing wrong, but, honest to god, I can't help it. I feel like I'm going crazy. Wondering who she's talking to when she's on her phone. Wondering if she misses her ex since she acts like she meant nothing ( and in my experience, that usually either means that they really meant nothing, or they meant everything). And we aren't intimate nearly as much as we used to be. Once a month, maybe. And this is so hard to figure out on my own because the girl damn near worships the ground that I walk on. She's SO good to me. And I feel guilty for having all the questions, but the last time I ignored these feelings, I missed what was right in front of me- which was a cheating girlfriend. Idk. I guess my question is, how do you know when to follow gut feelings, and if said gut feelings have no evidence, how do you bring it up in a conversation?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 December 2017):
 Yeah OP you do need therapy this relationship won't work without trust and keep going the way you are with all these thoughts and you will go crazy.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 November 2017):
 OP, there's no maybe about it - you do need therapy. If you don't get it, you'll either drive yourself crazy and/or sabotage your relationships.
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A
female
reader, Nikolas11 +, writes (29 November 2017):
Nikolas11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the feedback. It always helps to have other views weighing in on a topic. I guess I should have clarified about all my questions and insecurities... I've never voiced them to her. It's all in my head and just a battle that I constantly fight with myself. What's important, what's a sign, what I should bring up? Question after question that I talk to myself about. And I know that we should talk about these things, but I would feel guilty bringing it up knowing that it's most likely just me being insane and nothing to do with her. Maybe I really do need therapy. Who knows at this point.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (28 November 2017):
You are going to drive her away. I dated a guy like that and I left after a month. He always accused me of talking to other guys, not being interested in him and always whined about something. Yes you can have a gut feeling, but there is also paranoia. If you suffocate her, she will leave.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 November 2017):
This is paranoia that you really need to seek therapy for immediately. Maybe she is cheating, but you've given us no proof or even suspicious behaviour.
You will push her away and sabotage any future relationship, possibly even pushing them to cheating!
If there's no evidence, you don't bring it up at all because it's PARANOIA. Seek help, OP, or you're not ready to be in a healthy relationship.
As a side note, if you've been with her for quite a while, it's natural and common for sex to become less frequent. Maybe she's stressed. Maybe she's feeling you may not trust her. Maybe she's unwell and needs a check up.
Find a therapist or you will destroy every relationship you have.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 November 2017):
 Where to start?
There is a huge difference between gut instinct and paranoia. Someone cheating on you in the past is NOT an excuse for giving your current girlfriend a hard time.
This poor girl can't win. She has obviously told you her ex means nothing to her, yet you see this as possibly meaning the opposite. You need to get a grip.
You mention - almost as a throw-away remark - that she worships the ground you walk on and is good to you, yet you don't trust her at all. Do you perhaps think she may be too good for you?
As women's sex drive can often be a reflection of the state of the relationship as a whole, it is probably little surprise she seldom feels like being intimate with you. Would YOU want to be intimate with someone who constantly questions you and accuses you of infidelity when you worship them? I think it says a lot about her feelings for you that you have ANY sex life remaining.
I think it may be an idea to discuss "coping strategies" when you are feeling insecure. Ask for a hug, or that she reminds you she loves you. Use strategies like this to replace distrust and accusations and your relationship will hopefully benefit.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (27 November 2017):
 In a loving relationship there has to be trust. That means you have to be open to being hurt. That doesn't mean you have to wander around with your eyes closed. So accept what you have and stop worrying, otherwise you will be eaten away inside.
If ever you find out you have been cheated upon then part company, because she didn't deserve your unqualified trust and love.
If you love your partner unconditionally she would be a fool to look further afield wouldn't she?
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