A
male
age
36-40,
*jed1880
writes:I've been with a girl (Lisa) since Uni, for just over 7 years. She's really a great girl who I have semi moved in with. She's a country girl who's quite shy but made the first move on me back when we started, and from that point on things were great. I moved back home from uni, and Lisa broke things off with me. I made the big effort and made a declaration to Lisa that I wanted to stay with her and meant to marry her. That was 4/5 years ago, and I stayed faithful as I wanted things to work out. I moved back to the opposite side of the country to be with her, and took a job down here to be with her.About 2 months after taking this job I met a girl (Kerry) who used to have my job (running a bar/ hotel) before she went away travelling. The first time I met her I was having a meal there with Lisa. She walked over to me to ask for help with some problem they were having, and my jaw dropped. This Kerry was simply stunning and I was instantly drawn to her. We spent 2 years working alongside each other, flirty banter rolling off our lips like there was no tomorrow, but kept relatively tame for hospitality staff. Nothing ever happened between us, and Kerry took a job working on 5* international cruise liners. She'd be away for 4 months at a time, and back for 2 months or so. I was never certain that I felt anything for Kerry, but there was some sort of stirring.Lisa is that sort of girl that is lovely, seriously homely, and has never really moved away from her family farm. She has an awful habit of dragging me down a bit with little remarks about things I like or want to do, by simply disapproving of it, not that I really pay any attention to her protests but I still hear them. I know her whole family (after 7 years not suprising, since I lived with her immediate family for a year when I first started my new job), and they all love me.Then last friday night happened. Now bear in mind, Kerry has haunted my thoughts since she'd tried to kiss me way back, and I refused because of Lisa. I dwelt on that attempted kiss, even until that Friday. Kerry and I were working behind the bar, she had a few drinks more than me and I took her home as per usual. We got outside her house and we went for the usual peck on the cheek and again she goes to kiss me. Now being as I'd kicked myself last time for nearly a year about not accepting the last kiss I uttered "For fucks sake..." and kissed her back. After a half hour of making out she stopped me, and it got a little awkward. She told me it couldn't happen as I was "smitten" with Lisa, and that she had felt like such a fool for trying to kiss me the first time. I told her that I had made my bed and that I supposed I ought to lie in it (with Lisa). She reminded me that I'm only 27, and we had a stilted sort of conversation, with her getting out of the car telling me that I needed to sort my shit out and not just for her sake. I went downstairs to cash up for the night, Kerry comes down to ask if she can have another round of shots even though we're after the license. I tell her of course she can, we chat a while before she says to me "Ok, so I'm going to go back upstairs because I want to kiss you right now, and it's bad". I tell her "Sometimes people do bad things" and she walks right over, sits on my lap and kisses the hell out of me. I've had enough of fighting the urge to get my hands on her and went back for her. I'm half watching the CCTV cameras to make sure no-one comes downstairs to catch us, and proceed to heat things up a bit. I eventually stop her, tell her to get her ass back upstairs and pour that round of shots out before some-one suspects something. She goes back up, I finish off cashing up and she's back downstairs for another bottle just as I'm putting the nights takings in the safe. I grab her again and kiss her, which she tells me "You think this is a game, but it won't last", and after a short making out she goes back upstairs. Eventually we get everybody out for gone 2am, and I am told I'm giving her a lift home. We start talking about what happened, and how she's irritated that I have a GF, but that I kissed her. She tries to tell me that I must've known she's liked me for such a long time. I tell her that I couldn't have known as she seems to be like that with everyone, and that until she tried to kiss me on the Friday night I didn't know if it was just the alcohol that was what had made her try to kiss me the first time. She understood that, and we talked about how she had wanted me for such a long time, but thought herself such a fool for trying to kiss me the first time. She then told me that she's never really had a relationship with anyone as she has people she sleeps with, people she likes, and never the twain shall meet. Until me. She really likes me for myself, my personality and the way we just suit each other, and not just in a sexual way. I tell her about how much I've liked her since I first laid eyes upon her, and how great our friendship is, but that I was sure that there could be nothing going on between us. She's got an addictive personality, as she likes new toys all the time; new gadgets, new clothes, new stuff all the time. I wanted to know whether it was just the thrill of a new thing, and that once played with and done with that it goes back on the shelf and is never wanted again, as that's what I don't want to become if we take it further. She tells me she's not even sure if that's what it is, compounded by the fact that I belong to someone else and that I'm supposed to be unobtainable, but also that she wants more than anything else to be with me. She also says that she intends to spend the remainder of the next 10 years working on Cruise ships, making life difficult for us to be together.She then says that she's not sure if I'm essentially just an itch that she has to scratch and that it would get me out of her system. I tell her "There's only one way to find out", to which she plants herself on me again and we fool around more seriously for the next 2 hours, and wind up getting naked but not actually having sex.She's as cold and dispassionate about people as I can be, and this makes it hard to read precisely what's going on... but it also makes her such a ball-breaker! But if I'm not going to see Kerry for 2/3rds of the year? And what if I am just an itch that has been scratched, is it worth throwing away 7 years with a girl that is still devoted to me? But maybe I just need a stronger hand from whichever woman in my life, to keep me from looking astray?I guess I'm posting this because I need some feedback on what I should do, I still love Lisa but I'm not sure that I can love her all that much, if I'm willing to do all that with Kerry? Is it just the buzz of something I'm not allowed?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 July 2013):
Hi. It sounds like it has given you some insight, into what is really going on in your life.
And it is always helpful to get an objective view.
Sometimes, someone else can shed light on an idea you may not have thought of yourself.
And it can open up a new door.
Life is full of possibilities, and they are virtually endless, and so we need to be ready and have an open mind.
Yes, this is something you definitely cannot rush into, by any means.
And it will take you some time.
And so you will need to be very patient, as it will happen when it is meant to happen.
The main thing now though, is that it has got you thinking and asking some questions, and that's a really good start.
Because once we start asking ouselves questions about our life, we then start finding some answers.
All in good time.
It will happen, I promise you.
A
male
reader, ejed1880 +, writes (8 July 2013):
ejed1880 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again Dorothy Dix,I don't know where you get it from but you are completely right!I am struggling to find the words to say how grateful I am for all your advice, and not because you've said what I wanted to hear. I needed to hear everything that has been said here, but I also felt like knowing what would be said I would be expected to make a snap, knee-jerk decision. You can't build a house on rushed foundations.I see completely that Kerry or Lisa isn't the main issue here, and that it lies within me. I've got to sort out "me" before I can realistically go anywhere further along that sort of path with anybody.I will provide an update in due time, once I know where I stand. Just feels like there are cracks in the walls right now...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 July 2013):
Hi. Yes, it is a big decision.
And yes also, to just change jobs to something else very similar - another hotel - might not be enough of a change, I agree.
And now regards Lisa.
Although you love her and feel some obligation to stand by her and stay with her, is obligation reallY the way to go?
And don't you think that Lisa deserves more than for someone to stay with her ONLY out of obligation?
You wouldn't like someone to stay with you because it was expected of them, would you?
Of course, you wouldn't.
You would want - as anyone would - for the person you loved, to stay with you, ONLY because they wanted to be with YOU and no-one else in the whole wide world.
And don't get my wrong here, I am not saying this to make you feel guilty.
No, not at all.
I am simply saying it, to make you have a serious think about how you REALLY feel, about Lisa.
And you don't have to make a decision about Kerry, but more as to whether you want to spend the rest of your life with Lisa.
Your heart will tell you what you want to know.
Or rather, what you NEED to know - about your life.
Sometimes, the answer can come to us through our dreams.
Because, dreams are so colourful and real, and yet also rather abstract at the same time.
And they can very clearly and EASILY tell us something that we need to know.
And so I really don't recommend that you try and make a very quick and rash decision about this - just so you can get it out of the way and then move on.
Because, that would be a really BAD move.
And what's more, it would very likely be a decision you would later regret.
Which is all the more reason to simply take your time - about ANY change you want to make.
Whether it be in changing your job, or in staying with or ending it with Lisa.
Just let things happen with time, and everything will work out well.
And for the better.
Everything in good time.
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A
male
reader, ejed1880 +, writes (7 July 2013):
ejed1880 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Dorothy Dix,Again thanks for your input here, you really are a star! You've definitely got a lot of things down here that I can relate to, a lot of things in life must happen for a reason. I really do feel an obligation towards Lisa to do the right thing by her, and that comes from the love that I bear her. It was my privilidge, my right and responsibility to care for this woman, and it feels unnatural right now to think of her in any other light. That being sad, it feels unnatural knowing what I have done. These things will never reside comfortably side-by-side I know, as what I have done by her is wrong.It is possible that in these past few months I've become ready for a change, hence I've sensed a change in a number of my perceptions towards things. Maybe it's a delayed aspect of maturity, but there again I don't believe we ever finish growing as humans.I completely agree that I need a change, and I know that change is neither good or bad, but simply is. But which change I make I suppose has to be for me to decide. Whether to try and improve this relationship with Lisa again, we've had times over the last 7 years where we had to realign but never taken an agreed upon break.Or whether to cut this tie now, and see where it takes me.I am already in the process of trying for another job in this area, as where I currently work is becoming unbearable due to the nature of the employer. Though right now I'm not sure if this is change enough.Just uncertain on my next move, as I uncomfortably feel like I'm playing with emotions...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2013): Dude... if my boyfriend did that to me, I'd be in jail right now.First thing you need to do is leave Lisa. By kissing someone else, it's clear you've already made a decision. Now all you need to do is follow through with what you're going to do about Lisa as it's not fair on her. Don't stay with her just because the other girl will be gone 2/3rds of the year. You really have made your bed.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 July 2013):
Hi. Messsage No. 2. (Sorry, I pressed the send button by accident).
It does seem like NOW is the time, for you to make some changes in your life.
And this is most likely why you met Kerry, when you did.
Remember, as one door closes, another door opens.
Kerry, might just be that door - the catalyst - you never know.
Don't ignore this opportuntiy, because if you do, you may later regret it.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 July 2013):
Hello again. It is a challenging situation to find yourself in, that's for sure.
Lisa, while being sincere and she loves you, does seem to pick on your choices sometimes, just because they are not something she would do herself.
And this must be rather annoying for you, I'm sure.
And the feeling that you need to defend your actions.
And so this is something you need to think about, and if it is something that is BIG for you, or just slightly annoying.
I suppose realistically, it is only a minor thing in actual fact.
But relationships and people are made up of a thousand tiny little things.
All tiny little pieces of a great big jigsaw puzzle.
And it is entirely possible, that in meeting Kerry was what it took to make you wonder, if it ISN'T time for change now after 7 years of being with one person.
Sometimes our heart tells us in some way, that something else needs to happen.
Something different.
And they always say, that things in life happen for a reason.
And it is true, I really believe that.
It's kind of like a catylist, you might say.
One thing happens, and it triggers some ideas in a person and encourages them to start questioning what they really want in their lives right now.
And it is a very interesting process, when that happens.
Mind you, it can be a little scarey as well.
And I mention the word "scarey", only because it usually entails change.
And change is the unknown, and so hence, the apprehension towards change.
And sometimes - probably often - we let this fear of change, define us and hold us back.
And I am of course, talking about the fear of failure.
The fear of failure, and the fear of - "Will I like this new change?" - and - "Can I go back to what things were before, if I don't like it?"
Usually though, the fear is greatly overestimated and unrealistic, as most times, people are VERY happy with the new state of things.
Change is progressive, and it signifies growth - which is always a very positive thing.
And it projects us forward in our lives, and to where we need to be, and onto the path we were always meant to be on from before birth.
I also have a distinct impression from what you say, that there is a certain level of a feeling of obligation by you towards Lisa, to stay with her, because you feel you should - and especially after 7 years history together.
And I can absolutely understand this feeling.
However in saying this, and just by the fact that you are now having some feelings of restlessness in your soul, I do feel that this is a sign from the Universe, that it could be time for change in your life.
And it clearly doesn't sit well with you.
And it never does, or ever will.
And the longer you try to fight and deny the restless feelings you have, the more those feelings will prevail, I promise you.
It will go on gnawing at you, until you finally feel you MUST make a choice.
And I am not just talking about whether to choose between Lisa or Kerry, I am talking about change on a grand scale.
I am talking big picture here.
Which means, everything - not just relationships.
I am meaning your whole life.
It could well be that you are now coming to a crossroads in your life, where you have one of two choices, where the road splits in two.
I mean, for instance, you are in the hospitality industry yourself, and so it is possible that you could also start working on cruise ships - just like Kerry.
Not necessarilty that you work on the SAME ship as Kerry, but more, that you work on cruise ships at all.
I think you might enjoy the experience.
And I get a sense of that you might be interested in pursuing this type of adventure.
And I believe that it WOULD be an adventure, for sure.
So keeping your thoughts away from what to do about Lisa, why NOT consider the idea?
It is YOUR life, and while you are still young and healthy and so inclined, it would be a fantastic opportunity for you to see some of the world, and to just enjoy sailing the high seas - and get paid for it!
I mean, how good is that?
It does seem like NOW
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013): Hi, i just wanted to add one more thing to all the other replies. As a girl's point of view who gets lots of attention and is used to see it from guys, when she does not get the same from a guy due to his commited relationship to another girl( Lisa), that makes that guy so wanted and irresitable for that girl( Kerry). Kerry might even not know why she is interested in you, while she can have other a ailae guys easily. She wants you be ause you are unreacheable and also you are working in proximity. It might not be the case with her, but i know that can be a case for some gis like me. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, adaminio +, writes (6 July 2013):
You're being unfair to Lisa, personally you need time away from both of them.. but come on dude you've snogged this other girl a few times that's not at all good.
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A
male
reader, ejed1880 +, writes (6 July 2013):
ejed1880 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, you don't have to say you're sorry as I know you're not. I welcome your honesty and sincerity in this, otherwise I wouldn't have put the situation up here for people to give me their views. I don't have any pride in what I've done, and my whole life I've abhorred even the concept of infidelity. I'm an average looking guy, and being tall I do wind up with female attention, added to the fact that in my job I have to deal with alcohol- I wind up with my fair share of offers from women. I shun every single advance made to me by all these other women, often to the amusement of my co-workers. I'm not the sort of guy who wants to go round sowing wild oats!Lisa does not deserve to be second best for anyone, but this was never even a possibility until last week...
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A
male
reader, ejed1880 +, writes (6 July 2013):
ejed1880 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Dorothy Dix, I really do appreciate another viewpoint on this, as anybody I talk to in person won't be able to judge the situation externally.I suppose you're right in the respect that it could just be "The seven year itch", and what would it be like with another woman. I've had an oddly disastrous love life, and whilst I'm a little bitter in some respects I always try to take things for what they actually are and not what I want them to be.Kerry and Lisa are two completely different people. Chalk and cheese doesn't really cover it. I can see though that some of my past GFs have been very similar to Lisa, and obviously these have all not worked out (or I wouldn't be here!). Lisa doesn't want to move away from her family home, or at least not out of close proximity to it, makes snide little remarks about things from time to time, doesn't have the same sort of drive that I had (I say had because over the past couple of years I realise how apathetic I've become towards life, something I am trying to change within myself- possibly adding to the confusion here), doesn't like the idea of travelling to a lot of the places I want to see. We met in Art school, and she's started using her drawing skills a little more to make cards etc, but doesn't want to use what she got her degree in. She has a lack of confidence which I do struggle with sometimes, even on the most basic things like driving the car back on a Monday night. I'm never sure if I'm help or hindrance with her because she gets so damned stuffy about it, and I'm made to feel bad because I don't have those problems. (I was a shy kid, and decided many years ago that I just didn't give a shit anymore and that I had to be reasonably honest with myself). Lisa has also never had a job, and currently does some paid cleaning for her grandparents, odd jobs around and volunteers with a local wildlife association. I think it's great that she does this, but I feel a serious financial burden on my shoulders by having to provide for us both on a single income (which isn't enough for dealing with the job I have!), and find it difficult when she starts telling me "We need a new fridge freezer, we need a new washing machine, etc..."Kerry obviously has had her confidence issues I'm sure (her sister used to steal men from her, causing her to think she wasn't as good as her sister), but she now exudes this self-assured charm. She's working on cruise ships seeing all these exotic places, and obviously isn't afraid of it. At work we're obviously like-minded in many respects, and we seem to be the only two who are capable of doing everything required within the business (including the owners, regardless of any amount of training given to everybody else there), we're both intelligent. We have definite differences, she likes to spend a lot of time shopping (something Lisa doesn't surprisingly!), she goes out to night-clubs (myself being a metal fan in a sleepy rural area makes my night-life impossible!) and I consider her a little more trivial with things than I am, but we get on so well as we are I'm struggling to see clearly beyond that...You are completely right in the respect that it would be tough knowing Kerry was away for 8 months of the year if we were to try and have some form of relationship. I know she has slept with people on board ship, and whilst it doesn't bother me that she has (since I'm still with Lisa and can sensibly have no qualms about it) it would affect me if she did and we had something. And lets face it, if I find her hard to resist then there must be many other men out there exactly the same! Whilst I was with Lisa, I would spend 6-8 months away from her after graduation whilst I worked at home and she stayed down here on the farm. I would visit as often as I could, but it would still mean long absences. Those times were tough, but considering the first girl I ever fell for moved away before I got to tell her how I felt, it's something I suppose I have been conditioned for.So, Dorothy, you are again completely correct in saying that I have possibly just a yearning for something I cannot have (the distance compounded by the fact that I am already with another making it a heady cocktail of "unobtainable").I don't intend to start making moves in one direction or another just yet. I know I won't see Kerry again until Christmas, and need to find out from her then how things have progressed. I'm not in any way proud of what has happened (that I have effectively cheated- it actually disgusts me), but I'm not ashamed to myself of how I feel about Kerry (?!). This decision is too big to make off the cuff, and I will need these next 4 months to decide even in myself what I want (I can't just end things with Lisa for no obvious reason). It just confuses me that I can still love Lisa as I do, but how incongruable that is with what I want with Kerry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2013):
I'm sorry but I don't agree with what your doing.. If you want to try new pastures as you clearly are and can't keep your hands to yourself , you really need to cut Lisa loose and move on.
Does Lisa deserve this treatment ? Does she s
Deserve being 2nd best, while you try and figure out what you want ? Which is clearly not your gf, is it. So let her go and find a man who shall love only her.
As for your worry, will this last are just the unobtainable factor, my opinion would be ' Yes!!' Her past behavior shows someone who becomes easyily bored with her toys and throws them away after she has had her use.
Does this make her a bad person ( well depends ) but she is single and you are not!!!
That for me is a big 'no no'
Leave your gf I'm sorry to say but she does deserve better than you and go be with your new hotly and when it doesn't work and your all alone .. Which I think will happen ..
I've been with m hubby since I was 14 teen 25 years . He is An extreme handsome man and I'm kinda cute factor . He has never looked at another female as in snogged been sexual with etc. and in a relationship that's how it should be . We made a promise in our teens that if anytime we feel it isn't working or we like someone more we will say to the other person before commencing with something behind each others back. That is only fair!!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 July 2013):
Hi there. It could be that you are attacted to someone you can't have - because you have a girlfiend already.
It is possible.
And she is so different from Lisa, in just about every way possible.
Keeping in mind, that for the last 7 years, you have been with no-one else - but Lisa.
So there is a natural curiosity to see what it would be like with someone else.
But as you were also saying here, Kerry is doing work on cruise ships for 2/3 of the year, which would be a very lonely existence for you, if you were to pursue a relationship with her.
That is 8 months of the year, Kerry is away for - every year.
And, as she has told you also, she sees herself doing this cruise ship work for the most part of the next 10 years.
And can you be sure that she wouldn't be with other men on those cruises?
There is no way you could possibly know this.
And there certainly would be plenty of opportunties on every cruise, for her to meet available young attractive men.
You would have lots of trust issues with that situation, for sure.
And no matter how hard she tried to convince you otherwise, you would still have all those doubts, just the same.
Can you imagine how you would be feeling in her absences - 8 months of the year?
Even though it is broken up - 4 months away - and 2 months back home - those 4 months of her absence is still a very long time.
That's 16 weeks away in any one time.
And it does sound like it might be a case of an itch she feels like scratching.
Kind of like a passing fad.
And then cross it off her "To Do List".
And yet, even in saying that, it is still possible that she could be ready now, for more than just casual sex with different men.
She might be thinking along the lines of being in a regular boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.
She might be getting tired of all that shallow insincere casual sex, with no real love.
Even as fantastic as great casual sex can be, in the long term though, it can become rather lonely.
As you are not really sharing your life with someone who means the world to you, as in a regular committed relationship.
Great sex can just burn istelf out after a while, if it doesn't evolve into a relationship where two people really care about each other, and want to spend time together.
And even though Lisa is more settled in her life, and loves you, you are being tempted by Kerry, as she is such a contrast to what you have with Lisa.
And I really think this is where the excitement comes into it for you.
If you did decide to pursue a relationship with Kerry, it could be a HUGE gamble for you, and it might not work out well.
You might get on well in the workplace, but if you became a couple, you might find that you don't have very much in common at all.
And you might even find that beyond the making out and kissing, that there isn't anything else going for it at all.
And then you have lost EVERYTHING!
Because, you probably couldn't go back with Lisa, as she wouldn't trust you ever again.
So as you can see, you have a lot of very serious thinking to do now.
Loneliness - compared to company and stability, and fairly dependable happiness with Lisa.
The choice is really yours now.
It is a BIG decision for you, and it won't be easy either.
And so you cannot rush into any kind of decision, in case it is the WRONG choice.
And then you might end up ALONE.
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