A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend asked me to marry him, and now I am torn. Idontknowif anyone else went through the same analyzing stage before getting married, but this is what I am doing right now, and question myself if this is real love and if few qualities that he posses and I clearly see now will become a real problem in a future. First of all, he has an annoying habit of denying things that are obvious or happened in a past. He tries to reassure me most times that it's not how it was and in fact it was all not the way I saw it. To show how ridiculous it gets at times, an example. He has a large dog who is very hyper and likes to chase a ball. My boyfriend throws a ball with such a strength that it hits a wall and sometimes lends in on my lap or n a couch where I sit and watch TV. Imagine a 90lb dog of course goes in the direction where his ball landed. And he jumps on me or a couch. I had few bruises from this action already. Yesterday I told my boyfriend when he did it again not to throw it with such a strength, as I end up being hurt at times. An answer was: I don't throw it like this. And this just one of hundreds examples. He has a very short memory spin. Actually I never met anyone who doesn't remember so many things. He mixes up birthday parties of our friends, Doctors appointments and his business related arrangements. I don't know may be now you ll be all thinking that I am too much, but another quality that really gets to me sometimes is that heis VERY SLOW. Sometimes I have an impression that I am dealing with a child. He is always late everywhere. He is never in a rush, never looks at the clock. He is most days late for work, good for him that he is the boss. But sometimes he comes to work and his customers and employee are waiting for him. When we go out I literally have to follow him around the house and telling him that in half an hour we need to leave, then 15 minutes, then 5 minutes. I end up going outside the house telling him, that I am all ready and waiting in a car, and then I sit in a car another 10 minutes waiting for him. Other qualities that I can list and make me very tired sometimes to deal with him, but than i don't want to burden anyone more. Of course his good qualities outweigh, thats why I am with him. He is incredible in sex. Carrying, gentle, passionate, very skilled. He never gets mad. He never shouts. He is relatively a Good provider, considering his personal qualities, he is in business for 11 years and did somewhat well for himself: nice house, nice car. He is also very generous. When it comes to me, no questions asked. I am sure he will be a good father, but I am also sure that bringing up kids will be solely my job as far as organizing our lives with them. Even now for the 4 years we are together all vacations are planned by me, all outings, concerts. Even his long time friends now are calling me to ask about plans for the weekend, because he never knows, and never has any plans. I understand with my head that he will be good for me,what everyone keep telling me, but I am not sure that I am in a proper fiancé mood to marry this man. I am not sure that it's that love that I hear from other people. I like him and care for him, but I somehow doubt about long time life together. Anyone else had doubts before marriage and ended up happy? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2013): Thankmyou all for answering. Citadel, I like your answer, it's very optimistic. And I m still thinking....he is a good guy, and I love him, buti may be just need learn not to ake it so close to my heart.
A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (23 October 2013):
Oh, I must say, I get really good vibes from this post.I suggest you try not to hard to control him, I think he has alot you can learn from him. How about living in his shoes. Sounds sweet in alot of respects. He seems to keep his customers coming so I'm thinking he's very sweet. I don't think either of your lives are going to fall apart from a missed dr.'s appointment or a missed birthday. I have a strong feeling he'll be a great father, having silly fun with the kids. That's all good stuff.Buy the dog a really soft ball and fill his Iphone with 2 week, 2 day, 2 hours alarms to keep him in the now. And I also think that when you are stressed out about him or things going on in your life, he'll sweep you up in sweetness and calm your rattled nerves, those same nerves that you seem to think hold the answer to an organized life. Yep, pretty certain you have respect and love for him and he adores the ground you walk on. This was a great read. Best of wishes. Hope your lives are wonderful and full of bliss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2013): I'd say there's nothing here really that warrants a break up or refusing a proposal.What I'd say is that if these small things are bothering you that much is it just that you've simply gone off him?I've had a similar situation where I found all of my boyfriend's little quirks endearing. But after four years all of the same little quirks annoyed the hell out of me.You either need to accept that this is him and he isn't perfect or move on.Is it that you think you can do better? Because I know first hand that the grass is rarely ever greener on the other side.It's also important to note that the most successful marriages are the ones where people aren't perfect but they are accepted for being who they are.Sorry if that seemed at all preachy but I'm just giving you some 'food for thought'.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 October 2013):
 Chiming is as "the other aunt".
I see much or what Desiree saw, especially you mothering him.
This is my second review of your post and I have something to add this time.
You said "Of course his good qualities outweigh, thats why I am with him." And, yet you are unwilling to marry.
I come across list makers here on cupid all the time. (I don't think you are a list maker, just a balance keeper) The phenomenon baffles me, I can't say that I have ever felt the urge to write down a list of qualities and difficulties and try to find a balance point in a personal relationship. I'm a person who solves problems mathematically every day, but to use this approach on a relationship is not in me. Generally when a person starts making a list or searching to find out which side of the good/bad balance they are on it is because, they are trying to convince them selves of something that they very much want, but that in reality they already know is not there. That was a very long sentence that says, "You already know you will not marry him, stop trying to prove to your self that you should."
This leaves you in a very sad position. Your relationship has come a long ways to this point. Only for you to discover that this is as far as you are willing to go. It would have been nicer, and kinder, if you had come to this conclusion sooner, but you did not know sooner. My vote is also to break it off soon.
Now I need to add a disclaimer. This advice is based on my experience and your one letter. I see your doubts as not being typical cold feet or fear of commitment. I see them as being dissatisfaction with the relationship. If you see it differently, you are much closer to the source than I, or any other of the aunts, could possibly be. This is a serious decision to make and you should not base it solely on the advice of strangers.
FA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 October 2013):
 From the submittal I read... there's plenty-enough information and details for you to say, "No, thank you."... to his marriage proposal......
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, desiree075 +, writes (21 October 2013):
I am sure your boyfriend is a very nice, sweet man. BUt all the things that you've mentioned are pretty much my biggest pet peeves! I would want someone on the same wavelength as me, as I'm sure so do you. Your boyfriend sounds naive. As you said, I am sure he will be a good father, but I can easily imagine a scenario where he's a cool, chill dad whom the kids love, while you are the bad evil mommy whose always telling them what not to do and to hurry up. Worst case scenario, you will have to take care of him as one of the children. (Seems like you might already be doing that). If all that you say is true and complete, sounds like you've been very patient. No one is perfect, but I don't see any reason to rush into marriage. Let's see what other Aunts say. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (21 October 2013):
 has he ever talked to a doctor about these issues? he might be on the autism spectrum. with counseling and stuff you would get a better understanding of how he functions and he could learn methods the handle things differently.
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