A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would really appreciate your advice and comments. I do not know who else to turn to regarding my situation, someone who can give an unbiased opinion of it. I'm 21 and my 'boyfriend' is 34. We've known each other for roughly 3 years. I did not find him attractive or did not want him to be my boyfriend until about a year ago, maybe less. I did not feel comfortable with the age gap at all and some other superficial things (admittedly).I was anorexic and we did not have sex or do anything more than kiss. This was for 2 years. So we were practically flat-mates who occasionally kissed. I am over my anorexia now and we did start doing more things but not sex, I am still a virgin.I found him looking at porn and this really upset me. Instead of coming to talk to me he chose to do it behind my back. Continuously. He tells me he has only had 2 previous sexual relationships and has only had sex twice. That the second time he did not know how to tell the woman because she was raped the week before. He was staying there to "look over her" for his sister, she was his sisters friend. He tells me he had only met her the day he stayed. On the third night he slept with her. Apparently, he did not know how to turn her down. He was scared he would hurt her feelings as she had just been raped the week before. It sounds pretty sick I know. She wasn't to happy with him after sex or something and things just went tale there. He tells me he never liked her, he says he hates her now. But his sister told me yesterday that he once loved her and he mis read the signs. Could she be doing this to hurt me during our row? Or do you think he could be lying, what would be his motives. He has told me an account of what happened, quite graphically.He doesn't have a job and on a couple of occasions has asked his father for money. He moved to my university town with me and his job placement ended so I ended up supporting us and paying for everything! His family (sister in particular) thinks that I am emotionally abusing him, making him live my life, have mental problems (Which is wrong, I was anorexic, and my boyfriend does not know how to control his feelings, very paranoid character). I am getting the blame for everything when they only know his side of the story. He would run around to his sisters after we would row and be in a right state. He self harmed then and would threaten to do it. So they only have his side to go off. A row erupted over his porn and his sister got involved and has accused me of all sorts! I feel victimised. She has said that he used to tell her lots of nasty things about me, how I was neurotic etc. (I cannot see how, I was weak and anorexic) and he denies all this. But I do believe her a little, because he contradicts himself a lot and then blames it on me not letting him finish.This is only the tip of the iceberg, but I just wanted some advice, I am so lost. I want to achieve things in life and he does feel like a burden, but at the same time, he is life a comfort net, rather than a safety net.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): hey,
It seems to me like you are so wrapped up in this situation that you can no longer see what is happening. I think you should read over your question again and try to look at it as objectively as possible. Think about the things you have said about this man:
He is a lot older than you
He began seeing you when you were very emotionally vunerable (i Know, I have been there)
You question his honesty about his past
You are not comfortable with his sexual past/habits
He bad mouths you to others
He is taking advantage of you financially
You need to get out.
Take Care
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): You have quite a complex situation there....but, one thing is certain.... and somewhere deep in your heart u know it too....that you are (and probably never were) not okay about accepting him as your partner. It is perfectly okay for u to choose not to have sex with him till you feel you are ready. Do not let this episode (of him having slept with this other woman) make you feel guilty for a moment. This guy sounds insecure... he is 34 and still doesn't have a job (why?)... he runs over to his sisters when he has problems (row with you) or over to you when he doesn't have a job. He contradicts himself ... and he cannot win your faith. In addition you are not okay about the age gap . Are you in love with him at all? Why are you living with him? Loving yourself is something you owe to yourself ... you deserve a partner who can understand you and win your trust, is able to shoulder you in times of stress ...
If this is how he is at present, he is likely to remain this way for the rest of his life. Finally after all is said, you need to decide how you want to live your life. Do you want to keep on being his 'mommy'?
(im sorry if that was too harsh)
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A
female
reader, littlemomma  +, writes (9 September 2008):
 hey, I hate to break it to ya, but your in a negative relationship and should get out. I know he's a comfort and all, but NO guy should treat someone like that and his sister should but out of other peoples buisness. He's using her as a cruch, if he gets into a situation he doesnt like and doesnt know how to get out of, he pulls the "sister card" and it takes care of it. I know been there. If he truly wants to be in a relationship with you, and truly cares about you, then he wouldnt be doing that crap. He'd understand and treat you with respect.
If you do still want to be with him for some reason...then maybe you should try doing things that would please him. Such as (instead of sex) give him a hand job or blow job. Make things special every once in awhile, like making a homemade dinner of his favorite meal or something. Do things that will please him, but wont drain you. Maybe he'll relax and chill out a bit.
I hope this helps some!
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