A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok, so seven years ago I met the man of my dreams. Total charmer. He went out of his way to impress me. But things turned south very quickly. For instance, every time I missed his phone call he would go crazy. He wouldnt talk to me for days. I would call him and text him and nothing. my friends hated him, said he was playing games with me. He started to question me. To make me feel like I was doing something that I wasnt supposed to be doing. Fast forward a few years later. He went through my personal email, and found letters from my past. He went crazy! Said I was keeping things from him, stuff that happened when we werent even together. I begged him not to leave. Begged him. He left me anyway for a month and a half. I was devastated. What did i do? after apologizing and begging him not to leave and getting zero response I ran back to my ex. I realized that I was making a mistake by using him to help me get over my boyfriend. When the time came that my boyfriend wanted to see me after it had been a month and a half, I was honest and told him what happened. I saw my ex twice. I told him the truth. Told him that I saw him because I wanted to get over him. I wanted to have sex with him but I couldnt bring myself to it. Because of that he sat me down and gave me a list of things that I would have to do in order to be with him. I would have to give him full access to everything, my phone, my bank account statements everything. I changed my telephone number, stopped talking to my closest friends and sat at home night after night waiting for him to forgive me. By the way, I take pictures of where Im going, I send him a text and a picture of places and people that Im talking to without them even knowing just to send it to him. He went out for a full month and called me drunk every night and cursed at me. The next day I had to continue to text him and send him pictures or e would get livid. I could never be mad at him. he still makes me feel like shit. IF i dont answer my phone which happened for the first time in months last week he flips out. I am not allowed to go out. Imnot allowed to drink without him, even just a beer with my friends. Im not allowed to do anything. I barely started talking to my friends again. I now have no family, I isolated all of them. I have few friends. Im in this relationship because I love him. I just feel that Im being brainwashed?? I feel that i believe that I deserve this because I hurt him. We were not together!! he throws that in my face. I have changed my entire life for this man. I dont dress the same, I dont wear makeup anymore, I dont have my own life. when he goes out, I sit at home and wait for him to call me. The kicker to all of this: I still have not met his family. And thats my fault. I just dont know if this is truly what I deserve. what the heck am i supposed to do? he has led me to believe that i did all of this. that i deserve this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): I forgot to say change your phone number, delete his and also barr his acess to your facebook, myspace etc. If he sends you threatening emails simply call the police. Once theye people realise your not a pushover they back off pretty quickly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Hi there
Your so called boyfriend is abusing you plain and simple and to put it bluntley he does not love you.
No one deserves to be treated like this, sit down and imagine that your best friend, sister or mother came to you with the same problem.
What advice would you give her. I bet the advice would be that she is a great person (which YOU are you know) and to get rid of him for good.
Look iv been with someone like this before and i kinda made myself a 10 step programme lol. My advice would be to;
STEP 1- Call him and tell him its over. If your not brave enough a text or letter will suffice. Be blunt and to the point. Dont apologise you have done NOTHING wrong. My letter said 'im ending this relationship for good, no matter what you say I deserve better than you, do not contact me again i am not interested in anything you have to say'.
STEP 2- get in touch with your family, it may be hard but they are family and will love you despite everything
STEP 3- Stay with friends or family for a couple of weeks, someone who is on your side and will be strong for you when you cant be.
STEP 4- Make contact with friends. Start calling all the people one by one that you have neglected and apologise, tell them how much they mean to you and try and arrange to meet for coffee, dinner, movies etc
STEP 5- try to avoide being alone
STEP 6 go and see a councillor to help you regain your shattered confidence.
STEP 7- do nice things for yourself, get a haircut, massage buy a great pair of jeans
STEP 7- excerise, its great for confidence and your mood
STEP 8- write a list of all the times he has made you feel bad about yourself, all the things friends have said about him that is negative and how you feel when he treats you badly and keep it look at it in moments of weakness
STEP 9- get rid of EVERY reminder of him, photo's etc burn the lot
STEP 10- realise that you do not love this person, he has just taken your confidence in yourself away and you feel like you dont deserve or could never get anything better.
STEP 11 (this is a new one) Get your friends loved ones and you yourself to list all of your good qualities and keep the list. You will be amazed by how highly people think of you.
You know that this situation isn't right. This is EXTREME menatl abuse, not a mild case. Its well documented that these people often as the relationship progresses turn to physical violence.
He sounds like an angry hateful person, he may look good on the outside and present a shiny facard (like an apple lol) to those he meets that dont know him but he is ROTTEN TO THE CORE!
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A
female
reader, minnie_me  +, writes (2 April 2009):
All this was mainly because of old emails you had. Your boyfrend/ex whatever he is sounds like a hgorrid person, u deserve so much better than him. Ok it will be very difficult to move on because you do truley love this guy and that is why your stil with him but you need to understand that he is treating you in a bad way. He foes mental if you miss 1 phone call, Hes stopped you from seeing mates, from drinking, from dressing how you want to, from wearing make-up there a whole load of things which he has done.
If this guy truley loves you then he wouldnt make you change at all he would love you for who you are and no one else. I no this might be hard but you need to understand that none of this is your fault and you deserve so much better you might want to consider moving on and dumping him. Good luck with everything!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2009):
 He's a psycho control freak and you need to let him go.
That is JUST not love, honey.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (2 April 2009):
 This is a pretty serious situation for you - you need to realise that this is an abusive and controlling relationship and you must get out! While he might not be hurting you physically, he is abusing you mentally.
There is no reason for you to stay with this man - yes you love him but he clearly does not love you or respect you otherwise he would not treat you like this. By the sounds of it, you dont want to carry on living your life like this. You realise that you have become isolated and this is dangerous for you, the more isolated you become the more control he has over you and the worse things will get.
Please, for you own good, leave this man now. Dont ever go back to him, dont even speak to him ever again. He does not deserve you - you have done nothing wrong and you shouldnt have to prove yourself just to be with this poor excuse of a man. Change your mobile number, change your email address...anything you can do to get him out of your life.
If you stay with him this will only get worse - you will end up very lonely and scared with no-one to turn to. Go to your friends and family and explain what he has been doing to you - they will forgive anything you have done in the past and they will be there for you to support you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (2 April 2009):
 You are right. get a support staff of friends and family and walk away. At this point it's either that or let him control you forever.
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