A
male
age
51-59,
*aul72
writes:Last month my ex called to say that we were over and she needed a break from us, we'd been going out for 2 1/2 years,we'd been arguing a lot over the last few months,and I guess she'd just had enough. taking a step back from us has made me see some of the causes of why we split (I'd been getting very depressed due to us arguing and was drinking way too much and getting paranoid about what she was doing and was constantly txting or calling her, being a complete ass basically!! ) I've since stopped drinking completely, become de-stressed and am almost back to the way I was when we first met. I sent her a text a couple of weeks ago and laid out all my feelings and hopes for us for the future, she replied that she still loved me but was finding it very hard to trust me again due to all the arguing.We agreed to meet for a coffee last Tuesday (we work in the same building)and when we met it was as if we'd never been apart?? smiling straight away, laughing and being excited with each other and she was very touchy feely with me?? holding onto me,holding my arm, touching my hand ect?? we've since met up for breaks another 3 times last week (Wed,Thurs,Fri) and every time again, touchy feely with me,laughing,slight flirting(I think?)she's also mentioned that her brother found it odd that we still text each other? she replied that she wanted to stay in contact with me (is this a good thing?) she also in a round about way asked if I'd been with anyone since the split (I havnt..not interested)and that when I get a new girlfriend she'll have to put up with her hanging around as we're still on good terms?? (not sure why she said that??)whilst chatting I mentioned I was at at the work bar and women got mentioned by me as part of the conversation, she went all tense and kinda snapped at me? I have no idea what's going on?? does she still like me?? should I give her more time to sort out whats going on in her head?? I'm confused by it all?? It's Sunday and not spoke/txt her since Friday daytime,not sure if I should see how she's doing or should I give her a breather for a few more days?? any advice would be appreciated, especially from the ladies (you may have a better idea of whats going on in her head!) Many Thanks
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male
reader, paul72 +, writes (15 March 2010):
paul72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Many thanks to all that replied to my question, I guess that both of us got too wrapped up in arguing with each other that we forgot about what's really important...US! Honestly she was right in breaking up with me, we both need the rest and the break to re-charge, de-stress and become the people we used to be, I've done a lot of growing up over the past month, I've been able to sort out most of the issues that caused us to fight all the time, and I know that she is the one and only woman for me, I just hope that she can see just how in love with her I am and gives us another chance.
One thing I didn't mention that is playing a part in all this I think, my ex recently found out that she has heart problems and this is causing her untold stress (although she wouldn't admit it, she's only 31) things between us started going downhill after she found out, I tried to be there for her but she kept shutting me out...the more she did the more we argued and the deeper into the hole I got, I should have been there for her no matter what, should have understood how scared she is.
It's going to take a long time for her to trust me I think, but I've said that no matter how long it takes I'll keep trying, I think we're worth fighting for, and maybe deep down she thinks the same ...
A
male
reader, anysecondnow  +, writes (15 March 2010):
You reflected on the reasons for the breakup and took responsibility for your part. You have begun to get your act together and work on your issues. Bravo!
You told her you wanted her back, and she told you her very legitimate concerns. But she left the door open to you. Keep working on yourself and let her know that you are fighting to win her back.
Nobody's perfect and it sounds like maybe she has issues that may have also contributed to the problems you had in the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): Yes, I think she is on the fence about you. He comment about if you should get a new girlfriend that she will just have to put up with you as you two are still on good terms is her trying to prove to herself that she is still first in your priorities when it comes to women.
I think the fact that she goes back and forth between being openly affectionate and snappish is that she is trying to convince herself she is over you on the one hand and that she made a good decision by breaking up with you, but I am sure that the break up was difficult for her and she has some doubts and regrets about that decision.
If you are truly interested in getting back together with her and you have made some changes in yourself and see some changes in her that might warrant another try, then I think the first thing to do is to start to "date" her.
No friends with benefits stuff. No talkng about the past relationship and it's problems, but get together outside of "breaks" and actually do some fun activities together and show her that you can be fun and let her go live her own life without to much pressure and worry on where this is going.
Now at some point you two will have to talk about what went wrong, you will have to learn to listen to her anger or frustration without defending yourself or justifying it, but to just hear her out and let her know that you hear her. If you have anything to apologize for then do it then again without offering a justification, just a sincere I am sorry will do, and don't say it more than once.
Getting back together is like starting from day one, and rebuilding friendship and trust. Don't expect this to turn into a full blown relationship, but let her know that is what you would like to happen if you truly do.
Part of woman's reluctance is getting hurt, and having to compete with any new women you may be dating. It is extemely hard for and ex to have to do that. She doesn't want to be demoted in your eyes and the second you do that, your chance is lost my man.
Hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (14 March 2010):
I agree that I think she still likes you; however, it sounds like the way your relationship was before will only go back to the way it was before. If you were depressed in the relationship before and now you're happy, not depressed, and not drinking, wouldn't you think that you're just not happy in a relationship with her?
Anyway, it seems like she's trying to convince herself that she views you as just friends, but it's pretty apparent that she still likes you. If I don't like a guy, ex or not, I definitely don't like to give them the wrong idea, so I don't get touchy feely, drop hints, or flirt. She's kind of playing games, showing that she might be interested but referring to you as a "friend" when clearly that's not how she really feels, especially getting jealous.
I think you should give it time, because you don't want to fall back into an old pattern, and she may miss you and be lonely and thinks it's a good idea to get back with you now, only to decide that she doesn't want to be together anymore and you wind up hurt again. It happens all the tiiiime...
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (14 March 2010):
 She has obviously missed you a lot, this can happen if youve been apart even if the relationship has been broken off. It sounds like she does love you.
Shes snapping at you because she is jeleaous, and this is another sign she loves you.
If you love her, look on this as a second chance. Think of what went wrong before and try to improve on it. Dont mention other women and focus on her and make sure you really listen to her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 March 2010):
It would appear as if she still likes you. But you have a lot of work to do to get her back again. I'm sure other women will be able to give you better advice, but my advice would be to take it slow and really prove your worth to her.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (14 March 2010):
She likes you but that is all! You really need to face this as I think you are causing yourself potential further heartsche!
We will never understand women but I read that this is over. For example we have been together for 30 years, splitting last year or she left. About a month ago we went fro a drink and just like it was all touchy feely, like old times.
A couple of days latter my daughter went to see her and my wife said it had all been my idea and she was merely being friendly. Implying that I needed to move on! For four weeks I have had no contact and that says it all!
These meets for lunch have been pushed by you and it is crystal clear from her remarks about future g/f's. Move on now a little wiser?
Very best!!!!!!!!!!
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