A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My question here is about making the first move in the dating world. I'm 19 and I still suffer with a lack of confidence. I'm very mind-oriented, and by that I mean my thoughts overtake me and prevent me from taking any action. Everything comes with a set of worries and possible consequences. No matter how many times I'm told "don't worry about what others think about you" it doesn't work. I can't stop my brain from creating those thoughts and worries, and frankly that's what has prevented me from ever having a relationship. I feel that my lack of confidence is increased because no guy has ever even shown interest in me. This gets in my head and makes me think what's the point of even trying? In high school I tried to make the first move on valentine's day, and when that person supposedly knew it was me, (I put 'secret admirer') he never addressed me about it and it left me permanently embarrassed. For the rest of my high school life I couldn't look at him without feeling a resurgence of that embarrassment because he knew I liked him.Ever since, I've been told endlessly by my mother to "make the first move" but I just get so nervous and don't know how to approach a guy. The worst part is that I have a friend who makes flirting seem so easy, but she's an actress so she kinda has to have permanent confidence. I can't help getting a little jealous of her but it's obvious she's got a very big, open personality that attracts people. I just don't feel that I'm that interesting. I have found that when I thrown into situations I converse more easily, but that means the guy I'm talking to probably just thinks I'm making polite necessary conversation, but I want to be good at casual conversation. I want to be able to talk to guys on my college campus. I'm already in the second half of my 2nd year and I STILL freeze up around the same guys. How can I overcome my worrisome thoughts? How can I regain my confidence? How can I flirt without coming off as weird or strange? Believe me, when I say I don't know how to flirt or handle the dating world I really truly don't. I have absolutely no experience.
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (5 January 2014):
 If it's possible for you, look into doing a course of CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. One of the things it teaches you is to recognise and challenge "unhelpful thoughts" and "negative self talk". I did a couple of courses and one section was specifically for people with social anxiety. You could download a module called Shy No Longer if you're interested. I don't know how you would find out about that in your area but try talking to your doctor.The other thing I suggest is look for support or social groups in your area for people with social anxiety. I joined one and it was great. We'd go for coffees or to movies and it would give us a chance to socialise in a completely safe environment. You knew you could say anything and no one would judge you because everyone was in the same boat. And over time this gives you the confidence to socialise in other situations.Other than that I think you should just practise talking to people. To make it easier find situations where you can talk to people in neutral, friendly situations where you don't have that pressure on you. That could be clubs or church or whatever. I think the problem is you don't have the experience talking to people, but you can't get the experience because approaching someone you like is just too much for you. That's understandable. So gaining practise and experience in a way that you can cope with might be the way to go.Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2014): Loneliness is a good motivator.
No matter what we; or your mother tells you. You're going to be ruled by your pessimism; and lack of confidence, until you simply get tired of it.
If you look around, people make connections everyday. How are you different from every other ordinary young lady your age?
You panicked on one incident, and than you let anxiety rule your life. I'm not going to talk about therapy and all that crap in your case. That's weak and dependent. Sometimes young people have to stop looking for pills and therapy couches to deal with life. Face it head on. Not be defeated by a few failures.
You need to just learn to deal with embarrassment. Overcome awkwardness; until you build confidence in the fact you're only human, and realize guys are only human.
You're not in high school anymore. You're a young woman now. Making excuses and whining. Yes, whining!
I haven't really seen anything in your post that justifies your fear.
Read it yourself.
Oh, I'm going to be tough on you, young lady! I see strength and intelligence in the way you express yourself.
I tell a lot from how people explain their feelings in writing.
Look around, and see all those young ladies out there facing their fears.
Facing rejection from guys, dealing with body-image issues, being ignored; or dealing with mixed signals from guys. They learn from their mistakes, and take it like a champ.
They hit a few snags, get broken hearts; but what doesn't kill them makes them stronger.
They are developing power by dealing with it. Learning to cope and build their own strength. Listen to your mother.
She speaks from experience. Why on earth would the woman who gave you life steer you wrong? Why would she mislead you? You dismissed her advice to come to total strangers who know nothing about you. We can't be there to hold you when you hit a bump. She can.
Be a big girl. If things get a little awkward, shrug it off.
You're new at it.
No matter how mature you get, there will be awkward moments, rejection, and embarrassment. It's part of dating, and a part of life.
Being scared has gotten you zilch! Guys aren't always going to make the first move. You're even going to fall flat on your face.
If you're not approached by guys you've singled out to crush on; then you'll just ignore everybody else. I know that game. Women are famous for it. Sorry ladies, I call it like I see it. So sue me!
Many guys are figuring you'll back off; because you walk around with fear in your eyes, and shunning their contact.
You don't even look their direction; if they're not some big-time flirt. They approach and get ignored; because you don't immediately see anything particularly striking about them.
You have to run with a stronger group of females. They'll rub off on you. Not campus roustabouts. I mean focused intelligent extroverted females, who show confidence. They are not all beauty queens. It's attitude. They know their power. They empower other young women.
Seriously girlfriend! Take a leap and keep practicing until you get it right. Learn to deal with rejection. It only means you went for the wrong guy; not that you'll always get the same unsuccessful results.
Accept an invitation out from a nice simple guy. Oh, I know how girls turn down the less popular types; and then complain about how no one pays them any attention.
That's payback for ignoring guys who are interested! He's nothing; because if he's not the hottest, then you must not be either. If hot guys come for me, that means I'm hot too!
Not really. It could mean you look easy to take advantage of. That's why power and confidence is so important.
If the " hottest men about campus" aren't blowing up your phone; try the modest sweet, more down to earth guys.
It has nothing to do with your appeal; if the popular guys aren't chasing you. They aren't usually the right type anyway. Especially for the less extroverted girl.
Like anything else, you have to learn. Deal with failure, and keep trying until you get it right. Either that, or keep writing to this site when you have the best source of support and advice on earth. YOUR MOTHER!
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