A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have never approached a woman in my life... am I a failure as a man?I have had three significant relationships in my life. One isn't a great example because it happened over the internet, but the two others happened whenever I was approached in a club. As a man, it is a common assumption that I am expected to do the approaching. But any time I have tried this, either I'm blanked, their not interested or are already with someone. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. For the past month or so I've have tried to put on a more confident swagger, because it is a well known fact that women find confidence attractive. But I'm worried that for whatever reason I'm coming across as awkward.I'm not afraid to talk to women, in fact I dare say I'm great at talking to women. It's just the getting over the first part. The introduction. After that I'm sure I'd be fine, but I just don't know what to do. Please help, I could really use do with some help.
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Yes it will work. You will learn to be more at ease around the ladies.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (11 April 2011):
A couple of things can help. The first is building up your confidence, which is different from putting on a more confident swaggar, it means actually likeing the part of you that you don't like, such as your attractiveness, self belief, ability to not be awkward, or whatever it is that prevents you from making that initial move. Overcoming your sense of failure, or the fear of failure which might prevent you from even trying. What happens if you chat with a girl and she doesn't really want to talk to you, or give you her number? This can happen for lots of her own reasons that might have nothing to do with you, so you don't need to take it personally, you don't need to let other people's reactions affect your sense of worth.Also, it helps to know that women WANT men to connect with them, as much as men want to connect with women. They don't want guys to be sleazy, and some women are so used to guys being horrible that they don't give good guys a chance, but if you can brush it off when a few women reject you, you can enjoy chatting and connecting to others. If you can set your intention to just meet some good women and have some good conversations, that will take the edge off too, rather than being focused on partnering or sex.Remember, its normal for people to feel awkward or lack confidence when doing this. You are just choosing to no longer be normal, but to be something better, more of what you want to be. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I say, it's very early days as far as coming-across-as-a-confident-guy is concerned. I've only been trying for about a month or so. Is there anything more I can do to boost my confidence?Wiseoldman, just picking up on what you said, I should stress - I'm only 22. I have no interest in going to art galleries or the theatre, and I doubt I will find my ideal match in those places taking that in to consideration.However, I would like to find new hunting grounds, somewhere where communication isn't as much of a challenge. It seems like clubs and pubs are the only places to meet new people and communication is nigh on impossible in those environments. I don't know where else I can go! I know public places are ideal, but how on earth are you supposed to strike up conversation with a stranger there?Lastly, Cupidus, is that likely to work? I mean, I'm willing to try it of course and I don't mean to question it, but what makes you think I will end up with phone numbers? Is that method tried and tested?
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A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (10 April 2011):
Day 1 Ask 10 females for the time. Day 2 Ask 10 females for directionsDay 3 Ask 10 females for the nearest barDay 4 Ask 10 females if they'd like a coffeeDay 5 Ask 10 females if they like to danceThen just start asking more stuff, make it up, get really really used to just approaching and asking, then you'll feel more relaxed for when you see something that peeks your interest. You probably will also end up with alot of phone numbers.PS WISEOLDMAN That was absolutely hilarious.. loved it..
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (10 April 2011):
From the way your question is written you are well-spoken so will have no luck with the average scrubber, which is to your advantage because you don't meet girls like that in the art galleries concert halls and live theatres (NOT films- no interval/intermission) which will now be your new hunting grounds. so ditch the phoney swagger- it's not needed in these places. Read a few art and theatre books and put together a few pleasant and innocuous questions which cannot be answered with a yes or no but require conversation in return. What do you thing about...[x} is always a good start. Like Mr. Leading Actor's performance, or Mr. Artist's brushwork. And if you're paying a compliment, make it indirect, but believeable, for instance, never 'nice legs', but rather 'Are you still studying ballet?' which you can then expand upon. Ask about her poetry- they generally write it, ask if she keeps a diary, and talk about that. If she thinks you're gay, so much the better- what kind of man could be less threatening? Take her home in your gay fashion, keep pouring the wine, listen sympathetically to her problems for not longer than an hour, then offer her a backrub/footrub because the poor thing looks so tense. And there you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): NO! You simply need to get your self confidence back up, and go meet a woman or two! You need to snap out of this fatalistic thinking as it's going to create a situation where you will fail because you expect to. Girls like guys who are CONFIDENT! It's sexy to them! Co work on that and you'll get girls... FYI: At your age I was the same way... but at 24 it changed and I meet my wife- married her several years later.
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A
male
reader, thomas1214 +, writes (10 April 2011):
your lack of confidence is coming from you thinking youll come across as awkward. just go up there and be like yo..no? alright next. yo no? alright next you ya! alright cya later.. catch my drift. just go up there and start a convo by lets say "accidentally" bumping into them ;)
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