A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm 40.I have been in a relationship for about 8 years. There has been allot of water under the bridge. About 5 years ago, we got engaged and bought a house together. She suffers from chronic depression(even before I met her) and it was very hard for me to keep things going(cleaning, paying her bills when she missed work). A year ago I had to leave as I could not stand the living environment any more, the house needed cleaning and she just messed it(hording behaviour) and I got into dept paying her half of the bills. The house, I verbally gave to her as she had nowhere else to go and I wound up at some relatives, now in dept for thousands and my name still on the house (the bank will not finance her on her own).Ever since then, something broke inside me and I never felt the same about her. I'm not in love anymore. I do however, still care about her so we decided to see each other once a week like dating.It has now been a year and I have lent her about another 1000 which I know I will never see. We have no kids together.We were never married and lived commonlaw.I just don't feel like even calling her anymore. It's like my body is making the decision for me (not calling).I know it's time but I don't have the strength to just do it.If I tell her it's over, I worry about her being suicidal because of her depression.The house is also another problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. I left work early and we talked and cried about it for many hours. I made sure she knew that I didn't want to loose her as a friend but I don't feel in love like she feels for me. I didn't leave and we cried together. She didn't understand at first why "I" was crying. I wasn't crying for myself, it was because I knew that she was going to be hurt. This is just the start so it will take some time. Each day will be taken as it comes. All your advice helped me get the push I needed. In the end, this is better for both of us.Thanks
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 I am assuming that you knew she had trouble with depression because you stated she had it before you met her. You continued on into a relationship for 3 years. If you did know but stayed and tried to make things work then you must have loved her and felt you could be a good force in her life. After an engagement of 5 years and committment to buying a house you were aware I am sure that except for a miracle she probably would never become completely well.
Depression is a hard way to live. It takes it toll not only on the person who has it but on the people we are around. I say we because I know all about it. I am bi-polar. I have a chronic form that has lasted most of my near 51 years of life. Thru each stage I have learned to handle things better and cope more effectively. I have relied upon many in my lifetime to help see me thru my ordeals.
Sometimes people within our lives cause us to not be as capable of working thru our depressive state. Sometimes they even make things worse because they don't understand. This doesn't make them bad people or totally wrong but if they could gain more insight into how things are for us it could change how they see things or how they feel about our condition.
When a person with depression goes thru any life altering circumstances it can make the condition worse. Every episode can bring about chemical changes in the brain that cause mood swings and many other effects. Some people have short and/or long term memory loss. When a person can come to terms with the depression it is a great help. However it is possible to never become totally well or even worsened.
I do suggest that you try your best to put yourself in her shoes. Would you want her to leave you if you had this condition and she did not? I must say that I took care of two of my loved ones ( Mother and Stepdad) who had Alzheimers and it is hard to be a caregiver under these circumstances. I also raised 2 little boys for nearly 7 years with ADHD and learning disabilities. My heart was full of love for all of these people. My hands were full. I also took care of my newborn grandchild and my own two teenage children at the same time. I am disabled yet I also worked a full time job.
What I am trying to tell you is that you are probably burnt out. You are overworked and too stressed. It is possible that you too have developed some sort of depression by trying to deal with all of this pretty much on your own. I didn't have much help with the housework or anything else. Try to consider that many things in life can happen. If you loved this woman it is possible that you still do. In your present state of stress and confusion you might not realize that you still care or love her but you can't cope so your mind is telling you to give up.
The fact that you worry about her shows you care. You know her condition and have known so you might be feeling guilty because you don't feel strong enough to do what you feel you should. If you can't see this thru and be what she needs in a mate you have to let go with grace. She is hurting but it seems that you are too.
I have been on both sides of the fence. My husband of 14 years left me for another woman. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder less than a year after he left. I raised my children practically alone and two others that didn't belong to me. I did this while working a fulltime job and caring for my Mother, Stepdad, my newborn grandchild and two boys ages 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 years of age for just shy of 7 years. I also did this with my own two teenagers and my bf who was a recovering alcoholic while being disabled myself. I had to be strong. It isn't easy. All in all it's a choice. It all started with love.
Ask God to show you where you need to be. If you seek his will. Do what you do with Grace. He will see you thru. Think everything over before you decide. By the way over the years I have gone thru alot and I have gotten better by the Grace of God. I once walked in her shoes so I know how she feels. Do you? I pray for your understanding and that the Hope you had for a life with her isn't all lost.
God bless you and help you to make the right decision. I know that you already wish things were different and I am sure that when the time comes they will be. Whatever may come.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): What a tough one! Really hard place for you to be. But you care enough to make sure that what is to be done, is done with compassion and care.Firstly, you need to forgive yourself for wanting out. That's okay.The lesson maybe you have to learn here, might be, to be careful who you get close to in a relationship in the future. Decide and know what you can handle and are prepared to take on in your life before it becomes complicated and a mess.My advice is to think about who is close to her other than you. If she could perhaps be possibly suicidal, this is the reason you will need help in breaking away. Not because you would be responsible if she does this, but because you are aware of her emotional instability. She will need someone to monitor her and I do not beleive it should be you. She will only draw you back in and it will not be constuctive for either of you. So friends, family, medical professionals etc. Talk to someone and let them know you can't do it anymore, but are concerned as to how she is going to handle it. She needs something other than you in her life to make her happy. You need to be happy to and if your responsible about how you break up completely, then you can move on with your life now. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionstem1981: thanks for writing. I would go through your post in point form but why bother when 99% of it is what I feel is the truth, so much so it made me cry. Not the best thing at work. It is just such terrible timing with Christmas coming.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): WOW. You sound like such a caring person but your relationship has hit the end of the road. She needs to help herself. You are not responsible for her happiness. You can try to be there for her as a friend as you have shared 8 years together and it would be ashame to let that go. However, it sounds as though you have tried to wean yourself off slower. You have gone from being inlove and getting engaged to becoming sad and lonely in your own home, stressed out due to housework and bills. You have now moved out. A big sign that things are not working as they should and have been meeting up ONLY once a week for a YEAR 52/365). You wold have thought that the time apart may have brought you closer together but infact the opposite has occured. You havEnothing keeping you tied together, you are also being used as a rock to help hold her up during this depression that she is going through. That alone must be tiring. You are also in debt and are holding yourself responsible for keeping her sane. It is horrible to see the person that you love in pain and on a downward spiral but what about your happiness. Life is about suvival and she has to chose that for herself. You have to think about your self and your happiness so I think you need to decide (like you have already done) that you want more for yourself and then tell her. She deserves to know the truth and the longer you leave it the worse it will get. Good luck!
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